I did the flowers thing too!

Great minds....

Hey JiL, hope things are going well for you! Please give us an update when you get a chance, we're here to help support and encourage you through these very difficult times.

Not much to update. I continue to take my Prozac and think. The break in Plan B had more of an effect than I originally realized, because while I've been sleeping and eating better, I still managed to lose another 2 pounds (plus that one I gained). I can't even see how that's possible with all the junk I've been eating, but who knows anymore.

I'm still pretty much in the get the divorce and be done with it camp. I've accepted that I don't need him. I've accepted that he won't change. I know whether he changes or not isn't my concern (I do hear you guys, really) but it's hard not to think about just the same.

The only time I waiver from divorce full steam ahead, is when my 3 year old has another one of her hysterical "I want dada" fits. Like just a few minutes ago. At those times, I seriously consider just taking him back. Not as a crazy, it'll be better this time, scenario. Of course, it wouldn't. But he'd be here and my kids wouldn't be so hurt. The 4 year old mostly gets it, but the 3 year old just can't process what's going on at all.

When things were bad before I kicked him out, I seriously considered sticking it out and waiting until the youngest was like 6 and then just divorcing him. Not that it's ever easy on kids of any age, but she'd understand a little more and I could work without full time day care. Of course, with a baby on the way, that adds another 6 years of unhappy marriage for slightly happier children and a bit more help in raising them. Not exactly the best trade off.

It's not a serious consideration. I could never stick it out that long and I'd end up right back here - him kicked out again and the situation the same.

So, yeah, as an update - my mind is not a clear sane space at the moment - but I remain in a holding pattern for the time being, taking my pills and trying to make my kids a little more comfortable with the current situation.

Jen, you just need to stay dark, keep your focus on you.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will walk through the pain.

You hurt because of the wounds from your marriage and the break in Plan B. If you refuse contact, if you refuse to take any more wounds from your attacker, the old ones will heal.

Spent all day yesterday dying - my 3rd stomach flu of this pregnancy. I'm beginning to think all these vitamins they make you take do absolutely nothing to boost the immune system.

My weight took a huge hit (a loss of 6 more pounds) with the not being able to keep anything down for over 24 hours, but hopefully that was just water weight that I'll gain back quickly now that I feel a little better. Managed to eat a little soup last night, so it looks like I'm on the mend.

Seeing the specialist for another ultrasound today, to double check on heart development. Not too concerned as I've yet to have a baby that will stay in the proper position long enough to get the views on the first try. And yay, more 3d pictures.

Yesterday I was too sick to be angry. More like occasionally sad that I yet again have to struggle through illness while pregnant with 2 small children at home with no help from the one person who should actually have to be here helping.

Now I feel better and the anger is there. Remembering more of the gibberish he tried feeding me during the Plan B break. About how he wouldn't do the list and I should just "date" him for 4 weeks instead and then all the excitement and anticipation would come back and he would move back home. Other clear stupidity. I think the rainy weather has me extra ornery.

I don't have any thing to give except

((((hugs)))))

Hang in there. You are doing a great job keeping it together for your little ones. I know it's easy to be bitter with ur WH but try to keep your focus on them. They need you!

Take care of yourself!

Jen, you are so strong. Entering Plan B, putting one foot in front of the other, looking after your children and your unborn baby, tending to yourself whilst sick.

Be proud of yourself and the actions you are taking in the face of adversity. And be kind to yourself.

I also think you have all the reasons under the sun to be angry with WH. Rant all you want. Let it out. Anger is a stage of grief.

Just wanted you to know you are sure to be inspiring others.

My poor children. They are stuck in the middle of this no matter how much I try to keep things normal for them.

I knew WH wouldn't come for his visitation yesterday or tomorrow. During Plan B break, he told me of his new work schedule and asked if he could, instead of picking them up at school since he wouldn't make it in time, come by here around 6pm those nights. Get the kids into bed and then hang out with me. I said no, of course, so therefore, he wasn't going to see them until this Friday for his weekend.

Just got an email from our IM. He wants to know if he can pick them up about 45 minutes late. The IM reiterated what I already know - that he's forfeited his right to my being flexible and if he can't make it, he misses the visit - but it's ultimately up to me. In my heart, I want to say just that. This is the situation he himself created.

But then my 4 year old wakes up and the first this she asks for is dada hug. My 3 year old doesn't want to go to preschool anymore and they have to forceably remove her from my person so I can leave. And I waiver, because I could make it so they could see him - by lowering myself to dealing with his crap. I shouldn't and won't, really, but it's hard not to take the blame onto myself even when I know where it truly lies.

And worse, I feel selfish for wanting the weekend to myself. Just a tiny break from the non-stop cries for dada. I made plans to have lunch with an old college friend who's visiting. I planned on driving up to my best friend's house to hang out with a bunch of friends from high school. To reconnect with some of the important people in my life that I lost sight of when dealing with the day to day drama that was WH infidelity. I can, and will, alter my plans to include the kids while still getting to do these things, but I feel bad about myself that I feel disappointed that I have to. If that makes sense.

I guess I'm not asking anything here. I know I have to tell him it's not going to happen. That he yet again lost his chance to see the kids. Maybe next Tuesday if he manages to make it. There is no guarantee he'll learn anything at all, but he definitely won't learn anything if I keep making this easier on him.

I totally understand wher you are coming from. During my plan B, I felt like the bad guy because the kids wanted to see Daddy and talk to Daddy and had a lot of anger towards me because I am the one who moved them from their home, I'm the one who wouldn't talk to Daddy, I'm the one who hid in the bedroom when he showed up at the house, and I'm the one who would call the cops when he did. My little ones are 7 and 5 and didn't understand why it hurt me so much to see him. I can also understand needing a break from your kids. Don't feel guilty about that! (I know, easier said then done!) But I tell my kids that even mommies need a time-out. Perhaps you can ask these old friends of yours for a little help with the kids?
Soon your WH will realize that you mean business. Next time he won't be late or whatever his excuse is.
Your doing great Jen! Keep it up!

Understood completely. Being in parent mode 100% can wear you down fast. Instead of feeling guilty, remember that you and the kids would benefit from you getting time to recharge.

As RQ suggested, see if you can find some people to help out sometimes. Maybe those with children of similar ages would let you drop yours off for a few hours while you did nothing for a while.

Jennifer,

Hang in there! Sometimes when things are as overwhelming as they are for you right now, just think of getting through the day, let tomorrow be tomorrow's worry. Has your tummy settled down yet? Any ginger ale, sometimes that helps me, or emetrol the anti-nausea medicine, if it's okay while pregnant.

Are there any other people that can help you with the kids, family nearby or anything? Are you part of a church or any other community groups?

I know how hard it is to leave a crying child at school, my own little fellow does that off and on, and it just breaks my heart.

So, what are you doing tonight to make yourself feel extra good and loved? Bubble bath? Paper plates so less dishes? Calling up a friend in the evening? Reading a good book? Watching a funny TV show? Make sure you are nurturing yourself!

Thinking about you...

Thanks everyone. I'm completely better, stomach-wise.

I don't have many people I'm close to, or would feel comfortable asking to take my kids for a while, except for my parents. And I'm not part of any community groups. Only recently realizing how isolated I made myself once my marriage started having trouble.

The kids were very good about school today - no crying or hanging onto to me. 3 year old firmly stated she did not want to go to school, but was willing to stay without an argument once we got there. It's progress.

After the kids went to bed last night, I decided to make myself some brownies. I'd say they came out terrible, but the truth is nothing tastes right anymore. Yet another weird pregnancy thing. They're chocolate and nontoxic, so the children will love them tonight regardless.

Had trouble sleeping last night. Mind kept wandering back to WH and the what and whys of it all. I was very good about pushing those thoughts out of my head and concentrated instead on trying to come up with a new baby name while I was lying in bed not sleeping. He tainted the one we chose together and I feel it will always be a reminder of this time. I think I may have come up with something, but will continue to work on it when those obsessive thoughts take over my head.

I felt a little bad about coming up with a new baby name that he didn't have any say in, but then I realized - it's his own fault he's not here to have the discussion with me. He could have been if we were actually important to him. So, his loss.

Do WS have some sort of radar that tells them when their BS are dealing better?

Silence for days. No attempted breaks in no contact. And I'm doing good. Eating. Taking care of the kids. The house. Even the laundry has been getting put away as soon as it's out of the dryer. That's like unheard of. Plus, finally not feeling effected by WH absence every moment.

Just like last week. Everything going through the IM. At that point where Plan Bing for the long haul seems possible.

This time the phone rings. The house phone. The one that's never ever used, except for right at this moment because of my lack of cell phone. Yay for caller ID - I don't answer and no message. Just the one call, thus far. But it's like he's in my head now.

And I was actually pretty tempted to answer it. Had to stop myself when I realized what I was about to do. No good would come of that. Just need to keep reminding myself that it isn't my husband trying to contact me, just the demon who now wears his face.

Jen,

I know you have no cell right now but can you change that home number?

See him just trying to contact you has you spinning again. This is exactly why the cracks in Plan B are so hurtful to you.

Waywards do not have any kind of radar. They just want their cake and eat it too.
If he truly wants to contact you and work on your M he would follow the path you gave him in your Plan B letter.

What are you doing for you? What is in your plan for you TODAY?

What are you fount gor

Nope. They have no logic, no plan, they just rage and rain on your Plan B shelter like a storm. If there's any cracks in the roof, a bit of storm will get in.

Change your number.

Whenever the storm interrupts your perfect peace, as he did with calling the number. Think gratefully that it was not too bad, it did not spill into full contact and it shows you where the crack in your roof is. Easy to fix.

The landline is a crack. Tools out and fix it.

I didn't change my previously unused landline number either straight away. Got a text to the line from WH number when I was having a low day. I still don't know how I had the stregnth to hang up without listening. Thank god I did though.

We BSs are HALF the WSs addiction. There isn't any route they won't try.

I am racking my brain and I have no idea what you meant to say!

Dang kindle!!!! Can't even go back and edit. I tried and see what I did.

Jennifer, sounds great, a good day with the kids and you taking care of yourself! So, let me share my best brownie recipe, we call it "Grandma's brownies" because she gave it to us, and my sister and I used to make these a lot as a kid. Recommend eaten fresh out of the oven with heaps of vanilla ice cream.

1 stick butter, melted
1 cup sugar
1 t. vanilla
1/3 c. cocoa powder
2 eggs
1/4 t. salt
1/4 t. baking powder
1/2 c. flour (adding a little more makes them a tad less gooey, if you like)
chopped walnuts if desired
9 inch square pan, Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes (resist overbaking!)

About the baby name...I remember being there with my ex while I was pregnant with DD2. Luckily I had my sister living nearby and we were pretty close at the time, so she and I talked pretty extensively about baby names. I ended up choosing a name that just sung out to me. Then I gave ex a list of middle names that he could choose from. It was a short list. Seeing as he was a thousand miles away, there wasn't any darn thing he could do about it. Feel free to reach out to people you care about and trust, but pick what feels absolutely right for you...you will remember this experience forever, of nurturing your baby on your own, and it is so important for you to own the experience. Do you have help for the birth? I had a doula for mine and she was awesome, also had a homebirth so my midwife was great. It really made a huge difference to have supportive people around. The doula was money very well spent. And you might find a doula-in-training who will volunteer for free if that would be helpful. Also, you can have a doula with you no matter what birth experience you're having, from home birth to planned c-section, and they are great people to run interference on pesky relatives that might disrupt your peaceful birthing.

Have a great day, Jennifer, it all will get better, and just take it one day at a time!

And yes, change your home phone number!! (and make sure the company doesn't put a "the number you have dialed has changed, the new number is..." message. Plan B is for YOU, and with everything on your plate right now, you need the peace of mind. You deserve it.

Yesterday, I didn't really have a plan for me. Without thinking about it, I had done everything that needed to be done. I guess what I did for me was at the end of the day, I had some uninterrupted TV time and then went to bed early. Seemed like such a good plan - something I needed. Sort of proved otherwise though, since I had nightmares.

That's exactly what I did to chose this baby's name originally. But then he sort of ruined the first name for me. I picked a new first name, but now the middle name he chose from the short list doesn't work with it (first, middle and last names all ending in A seems strange to me). So it's still a work in progress.