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SAA isn't available on audio.

And what would be better, is for kiss to study the books.
I've read SAA at least a dozen times. I highlight and make notes as well. This isn't for leisure, it's for saving a marriage and a family.

I'm sure if OW had mentioned how much she would have admired kiss if he would have read the book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", by Dale Carnegie,(or any other book) kiss would have tripped all over himself just trying to get to the book store and read it that day in order to impress her.


I can appreciate he struggles with reading, so do I. I prefer audio books, as my vision is terrible. I've had multiple eye surgeries in an attempt to repair the muscle damages around my eyes. So yes reading is very difficult, but I do it anyways. We all do what's important to us.
How important is this marriage??
His actions and effort will say it all!






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
That is why I was looking at ordering audiobooks for him.

redflag

If you are having to do it for him, that is not a good sign.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks guys, point taken. I have to stop doing his work for him.


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Thanks guys, point taken. I have to stop doing his work for him.

Now you're getting it. If he is a true remorseful, repentant wayward his ACTIONS will speak to you.

His lack of actions are a huge redflag to all of us.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm concerned that he's fighting to get back into residency with you before demonstrating how he's a changed man. He seems like the same man just fighting for control and a way back to status quo before you turned his world upside down by growing a backbone.

It's too bad he broke your Plan B and you let him back into contact with you before he hit bottom. He seems to have an expectation that if he says he's sorry enough you will go back to the old marriage.

Take a strong stand that you are never going back to that old marriage; that you are a different woman than the woman he trampled.

Watch for actions, not tantrums or words.

Find a way to Plan B!!! Really seriously this time.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Well, I had trouble playing the radio clips on my WH's laptop too. Not sure why? He just got it so maybe it isn't set up with a program to play it. I dunno. I downloaded itunes and it still wouldn't work.

KaylaAndy - thank you for your advice. I am truly starting to see a change in him recently. I am standing strong for a "new" marriage, but am fortunate to know that I have the inner strength to stand alone if I need to thanks to the advice given to me by this forum.I will continue the current path that I am on right now. And wanted to let you know that I hold very close to my heart and my head one of your quotes "I don't need to be married that badly!" I know that I respect myself enough to not settle for anything less than what I want!

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We finally got our EN's questionnaires done the other night and it was an interesting experience. I don't feel like I am fully "onborad" with it yet. I can't help but feel that we are moving too quickly on to marriagebuilding and the big elephant isn't being addressed. The A isn't even spoken about in MC unless I bring it up. I'm doing what I can fulfilling his needs and avoiding LB's, but I still feel like I am lacking what I really need.
I told a friend of mine that it's like we're building a pretty new house on a cesspool, pretty soon the stink will be unbearable!!

Still going to church and I am so glad that I started to go again. I will keep praying for God to give me strength and to give my WH forgiveness. I will keep praying that He will continue to guide me.

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So what about Dr. H's advice about letting him move back in with you?

You still aren't ready for that?

Did you hear the radio clips where Dr. H talks to a couple (WH, serial cheater and a BW) who moved him home and she was having nightmares and constant triggers?
If you'd like to find the clips I will.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BH, thanks for the clips. I will listen to them tonight. To answer your question, no, I don't feel that I am ready to have him move in. I know that Dr. Harley says that I should. But I feel that what I WANT and NEED from him are being overlooked and he is getting everything that he wants and needs. I know that sounds selfish and bitter. But having him move in, to me, feels like I am shutting the door on what my requirements are and settling. I can't do that.

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Have you decided how your husband can best give you just compensation?

That's what I am reading here: you haven't seen enough hat-in-hand type behavior from him. What will it take for you to get that?

You need to figure this out so that you can ask for what you need.

Did you two ever really talk about the affair? You know, have the "one, big conversation" about it? Did you express your hurt and devastation to him?

Often, when one feels something is lacking and they can't move forward it's because he or she doesn't feel understood yet. It leaves you feeling unimportant or unloved - and without security.



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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SunnyD- I think the one big thing I need. The huge emotional need that I have to be able to forgive him and move on is to see, not just hear" that he owns 100% responsibility for the affair. That he has "OWNED his choices and the consequences they cause" and that has not happened yet. I feel that he is still blaming the state of our marriage for it. I still feel that he feels justified in what he did. And that bothers me a great deal.

I have asked him to call the coaching center a few times and he has not. Will it help with this? Who knows. Should he be doing it because I asked him to and not make every excuse not to? I certainly think so!

We have had a few talks about the affair and he has answered questions for me. I am satisfied that I know what I need to know and he is good with answering questions when I have one.

Side note - I am still dealing with flak from family and while I am trying to ignore it and focus on my marriage, it is difficult. I do believe that my WH owes them an apology and even a thank you and yet he refuses to do so. So how do I stand by the side of someone who is so disrespectful to them and justify it??

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Oh! I had posted about the "protection phase" back on the 19th. That was from a post from Susie Q. This is where I am still stuck at.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Side note - I am still dealing with flak from family and while I am trying to ignore it and focus on my marriage, it is difficult. I do believe that my WH owes them an apology and even a thank you and yet he refuses to do so. So how do I stand by the side of someone who is so disrespectful to them and justify it??

...which kind of goes back to your statement about him owning his choices.

Going in circles isn't getting you anywhere, it's time that he breaks the stupid cycle and follows up with your family.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
.I feel like I am i the middle and am being told that I have to choose my family (who has supported me through this whole ordeal) and my WH (who has caused this whole ordeal).

It sucks.
RQ,
You wrote this on another thread.

I'm sure you're already aware of this, but if kiss doesn't "stand up and take responsibility for his actions and start making amends for them(just compensation) you will remain stuck.

Recovery is tough enough with a repentant spouse but all most impossible without a repentant spouse.

What is his excuse for not calling the coaching center?

A truly repentant spouse will do whatever it takes for their spouse. How is the level of your LB?

You've been seperated how long?

I'm worried about your health. How are you truly? You need to protect your LB.

Dr. Harley just said on the radio show. "It is very difficult to recover from an affair if the BS is doing all the work".

You're already seperated have you thought about Plan B? You know your health better than us.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainhurts, awww thanks for caring about my health. I'm actually doing quite well. I am still on my AD and have gained back 6 of the poumds I had lost on the infidelity diet.

No, he still has not called the coaching center and I had
mentioned it to him AGIAN today. As we are separated, I feel that I am in a good place to not allow him to move in until he starts to take responsibilty for his actions.

I do think I need to give myself a deadline though. And Plan B was very difficult on me and my kids. I have been in Plan C since March 5th. I am prepared to go to Plan D if I feel that is what I have to do.

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Plan C was exactly what I was worried about with you.
You already know what Dr. Harley says on this, correct? So I don't need to beat you up.

Read this BS Plan C is not a MB plan

Listen to these radio clips.
Radio clip on Plan A & B
Radio clip on Plan C


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, I have read that and agree with the absurdity of it. I really shouldn't say I am in Plan C. My WH is not the fogged out alien he used to be and isn't lying, denying or cake-eating like he was.
And I am not the person I used to be who believed she was "just a friend", allowed his cake-eating, believed his lies, felt guilty and scared about exposure and had nearly convinced myself that I WAS crazy.
I know that I went through H-E-double-toothpicks fighting for my marriage. I learned that I am a woman worthy of a GOOD husband, and I know that should my WH not make me feel that I am worthy of "whatever it takes", then I am strong enough to stand alone. I will know when I am ready.



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RQ,

That's why you need to either jump all in and work on your M and tell your family that the way how they can support you right now is to back off.

Plan B kiss or Plan B your family(for now).

You need Plan RQ (which is MB (BTW).


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Just spoke to Joyce, I'll be on the show TODAY!!

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