Hello, I was hoping to get some advice and help from the good people of this site on a situation my fiance and I are experiencing. I hope this is the right forum.
Fist, I'll tell you our backstory. Somewhat condensed, to keep it managable!

Ok, my fiance and I met about 6-7 years ago when we were employed by the same company. We were a part of the same "lunch group" for a few years, and just casual aquaintances for a while, and about 3-4 years ago, we began chatting over IM pretty regularly at work. We were both married at the time, and it was innocent chatting in the beginning. We discovered fairly quickly that we shared lots of similar interests and tastes in music, humor, life, etc, and that gave us things to talk about. I began to realize right off, however, that we were heading into the classic definition of an Emotional Affair, and expressed my concerns to her, and we tried to keep things innocent. What was really happening however, was that we were both falling for each other pretty quickly. I was not someone who was interested in having an affair, although I was in an unhappy marriage for a long time. (13 yr marriage, of which, the last 8-9 was spent in and out of counseling) My "friend" at the time, was also in a 7 yr marriage, which consisted of lots of control, blame, and emotional abuse on his part, so she was pretty checked out on her end as well. Long story short here, within a couple months of us realizing there were feelings that weren't going to go away, I had moved out of my house, and my ex and I began divorce proceedings. My friend lost her job at my company, and I feared that meant she would stay with her husband, but she didn't. Despite being unemployed, she had the courage to leave him anyway, and got an apartment on her own. By January of '10, we were both divorced and serious in a relationship of our own.
A lot has happened since that time. We have been completely inseparable, and we are as affectionate each and every day as we were in the very beginning. We both absolutely love each other and are truly best friends. We've been living together for the past year, along with her two kids, and my son. (we have custody of them every other week, and then we have a week to ourselves, to spend alone with each other. Its actually worked out very nicely.) We enjoy our family time, and our alone time to do many things together and build life experiences.
Last November, we went on a cruise with my parents, and I asked her to marry me, and she enthusiastically accepted.
So, yes, I know things went really fast, and many will say "you need time alone", or something along those lines, but I already know that she is everything I've looked for that was missing in my life, and I know she feels the same. I've learned from my mistakes from my first marriage (lack of asserting my feelings, and letting things build into resentment, etc) and I make it a point to openly discuss things with my fiance, and so far thats gone really well for us.
So, you�re probably wondering what the problem is at this point? Ok, here goes�

For the past year and a half, my fianc� has been employed at a job where her department consists of just herself, her male counterpart, and her female boss. So, she has to work pretty directly with her male counterpart on a daily basis.
Within two weeks of her working there, we determined that he was a little awkward and inappropriate with some of his actions. For example, she put up pictures of us in her booth, and he asked right off if we were happy together. Who does that?? She of course said yes, and came home and told me about it. I got a little miffed, and was like, here we go�I�ve gotta watch this guy, huh? She was like, �no worries�he�s married, and harmless�.
Well, as time went on, we realized that he had a lot of the same interests we have�same type of music�design related stuff, etc� and as time went on he was sending songs and music to her via chat at work, etc. Also, they have to chat via skype at work throughout the day.
He would sent txts on her phone every now and again, and I noticed one day that she erased his txts, so I confronted her about it, and she said she didn�t want to accidentally respond to a txt he sent, with something intended for me ( we txt intimately fairly often). I didn�t know what to think, but she said, that she would just leave them on there, if it concerned me. A month or so later, we were home one night in our office, and he was contacting her on chat over gmail, and I told her I didn�t like that, that he got to talk to her all day long, and that nights and weekends were for us. She agreed, and stopped chatting with him on gmail.
I repeatedly told her that I was concerned, because WE had always chatted, and that�s how our relationship started, and that theirs just looked so similar. She said she understood, and that I had NOTHING to worry about, because she had no interest in him in any way other than work, and that she has to be friendly, because they have to work together all the time. I just asked her to police herself, and be mindful of boundaries. Especially since I felt he was seeking an emotional affair, because he seemed unhappy in his home life.
Whenever she mentioned him to me, she would be like, �bonehead at work did this..or he annoys me because his personality sucks�reminds me of my ex� etc, so I was like, ok�nothing to be concerned about.
So, fast foreward a few months, and I discovered a chat she had with him (via iChat) one day when she was working from home with a sick kid. It was mostly innocent, but she was very motherly to him�concerned about his feelings�.wants to see him happy, etc. And he mentioned that he had left a coffee for her on her desk, not knowing she wasn�t coming in�and there was even some sexual joke about his �junk� in there. I was devastated, as this was not at all what she portrayed their relationship to me was like, so I confronted her about it again. She cried and really beat herself up about it, and was upset that she disappointed me, and promised to never chat over iChat again, as it was too easy to mess up and talk inappropriately, since its not monitored by her work, like Skype is.
She honored that, and hasn�t been back on iChat since.
SO, the latest is�.I was able to see her Skype account recently, and noticed that she had gone to lunch with this guy that day, across the street from her office at the caf� the employees use. I nonchalantly asked her what she did fro lunch that day, and she said she ate alone. ☹
I woke her up in the middle of the night, and asked her if she really ate alone, or if she ate with him. She said she ate with him, but that others were supposed to come, but didn�t, and that she didn�t tell me because she knew I�d be upset, and that she�s accustomed to having to make stuff up, because her ex was always going into a tirade of accusations on her, so she was avoiding that. I told her that it was way more damaging for her to lie to me, and that it was unnecessary, because I�m NOT her ex.
We came to the conclusion that we needed to see a counselor to work thru this baggage from her previous marriage, and that we really need to solve this transparency and honestly issue. We�ve been to one session so far, and the counselor we picked just sat and listened, as I shared basically what I�ve shared here, and she didn�t sap a word, so�not sure where that�ll lead. We�re going back in a couple of weeks to see what happens.
Anyway, since then, I�ve checked her skype account pretty regularly, and it�s mostly innocent. No sexual jokes on her part or anything, but still very playful�sometimes mothering�.and he jokes with her a lot, almost like a brother would tease a little sister. But I noticed she never mentions me, even though there are pictures and cards I�ve sent her all over her walls. And she isn�t distant when I come see her at work or anything. Just as affectionate as ever. But when asked over skypw what she did that weekend, she might say, �I worked on the house� or �Took the kids to the park�, etc, but never says �M and I had the best day at the park..� or something..I think she�s afraid to hurt HIS feelings or something??? I dunno�.I feel like shes honored my requests to not contct him via other avenues, but says she has to chat with him on skype because that�s what they use for work stuff. And she says she doesn�t chat one on one very much, but that most chats are group chats with the boss included. But what I�ve seen shows plenty of one on one chats as well. I just want her to be transparent with me, and she says she is, but I don�t know how to get her to REALLY do so. I don�t want her to know that I can see her skype chats, because that might send her into a defensive, and shut me out. What should I do? I fear that even though we are really happy and wonderful now, what happens a few years down the road as their �closeness� continues to grow? I really want to prevent an emotional affair, even though I know that I give her everything she needs emotionally. We talk about it frequently. And, I also don�t like the fact that when I chat with her throughout the day, that I know I�m sharing her with someone else at the same time?
Help!

You started as an affair, so I suppose you cannot be surprised when she begins another one.

Dr. Harley gives relationships like this a low success probability. I would agree.

And that is leaving out the renters mentality you are both treating this relationship with, one that you have brought children into witness.

You see .. the thing is ... your marriage started as an affair ... even just emotional at first .. it created enough damage in your relationships and enough contrast that you persued each other because of the feelings your interactions created. If you think your ex spouses couldnt feel the neglect or the emotional drifting prior to your NEW marriage .. your kidding yourself. You were high on an addiction to the chemical in your brain called dopamine and when you seen her .. it released seretonin which completed the cycle of your reward system. Now that you dont work with your wife anymore .. and she spends all her time with a new guy at work .. you wonder why she is drifting from you? See the pattern? SHe is doing to you exactly what she did to her previous hubby .. and your doing the same!

My suggestion? Read all you can here ... get a keylogger on your PC and a VAR in her car to record her conversations on her way to work. Shes building up to replace you again. You only have like a 20% chance of saving this ... and that is if you BOTH get on board and you BOTH recognize your poor boundries around the opposite sex ... ELIMINATE THEM. Get the books SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE, LOVE BUSTERS, and BUYERS RENTERS AND FREELOADERS.

ALso your wife will HAVE to leave that job where that guy is .. its an EA and it will soon be PA if its not already. You got a TON of work to do.

MNG

How typical, isn't it?

Her ex was "controlling", "blaming", "emotionally abusive".

You say you are not her ex.

But are you aware that she will start to paint you as "controlling", "blaming", and "emotionally abusive"?

You see, history is repeating itself.

Her husband had every reason to go into a "tirade of accusations"... was he wrong? After all, she WAS shopping for a new man. Just like she is doing now.

Be thankful you are only engaged and GET OUT.

You are a 'branch' for a monkey woman -> she won't let go of one branch (man) until she grabs another.

I hope you too can learn and recover from this experience- if you want a faithful spouse, don't choose one that is a proven adulterer.

You see, you took the ex-husband's position and you left a job vacancy.

ok...I am not getting what the problem is here. She is doing the same thing to you that she did with you. [except she is not married to you] You KNEW she was like this because she did it with you. She is developing strong feelings for another man. She is pursuing her feelings with this man and has every right to do so because she is a free agent! She is not married to you. You are just an adultery partner to whom she has no committment.

You knew what you were getting into so I view the basic issue as an inability to accept the consequences of your actions. When you buy a dog, don't get upset when he barks.

To sum up the three prior posts:

What she'll do WITH you, she'll do TO you.

Bail, my friend.

They are not married and he has no right to spy on her. Her relationship with this new guy is just as legitimate as his relationship with the OP. The woman has simply found another man. That is her right.

Want to emphasize that this is not an affair!! They are not married. Yes, she might be cheating, but cheating is an acceptable practice in this relationship. These people CONDONE and ENDORSE cheating. The OP knew that when he commenced his relationship.

The problem is not an "affair" but a willingness to face the reality of one's stupid choices.

What did her ex-husband always 'accuse' her of?

Inappropriate contact with men at work? Flirting with other men? Having an affair?

.............. was he wrong?

It's groundhog day!!!

Wow,
I came on here, sharing all of the information about our history, with the hope of getting some solid advice as to what we can do to PREVENT issues moving forward. NOT get labeled and branded as unfixable, heartless souls who have no hope of having a viable relationship. Where is the CONSTRUCTIVE help?
My fiance and I have talked openly about our past, and we talk confidently about our long term future. We are absolutely present for each other and extremely loving and communicative when we are together, and are ALWAYS in touch when we are at work. Does she talk more with this guy than I'd prefer? sure. But like I said, it is mostly about innocent stuff, save for a few missteps, and it's ONLY at work. Hardly worthy of being branded as a cheater and "in love with another man". Good Lord.
As far as her ex, I witnessed firsthand the way he treated her, and it WAS a lot of unfounded accusations. (i.e, if she merely MENTIONED another man's name, he accused her of sleeping with him, etc...) so, yes, she IS damaged by 13 years of that treatment. Did she ultimately "stray"? YES. Does she regret not leaving the marriage first? YES.
We are two people trying to recover from mistakes of our past and make things right with what we have now, and I am seeking advice. Not responses of emoticons rolling on the floor laughing. If you call yourself a Christian, Shame on you. Save the judgement for GOD, remember?
I am on here looking for constructive help. If you cant offer that, then please keep your jaded opinions to yourself. You all are being asked to offer help to help someone who needs it, not throw us under the bus, based on preconceptions.

Your problem is that you have used a lack of sound judgement yourself. Your judgement in hooking up with an adulteress is very poorly thought out. She is only doing what you know she does. You run from reality by calling it "jaded" because you are out of touch with reality.

If it was ok for her to cheat with you, it is ok for her to cheat ON you. You need to man up and accept the consequences of your poor decisions. She is a free agent and has no committment to you. You need to accept that.

We are just treating your commitment to her with the same leek of respect you are.

You haven't been committed enough to marry her, and you disrespected her originally by being involved in an affair with her.

We are not judging. We are reacting to the facts as you told us.

"the floor laughing. If you call yourself a Christian, Shame on you. Save the judgement for GOD, remember?"

You weren't trotting out scripture when you were committing adultery so your use of it now is a little hypocritical. You dont understand that scripture or you would realize you just violated it.

P.s. not being able to judge right from wrong is what has led you to this terrible place. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is right where they belong. Think on that....

Jesus Christ. (ooh, did I say that name in vain?) I'm not spouting scripture! I'm just reminding you who the judgement is supposed to be left to.
And I AM committing myself to marry her, we are planning a wedding as we speak, and I have NO misunderstandings about my past. I am well aware of the fact that I was married when we got together. Again.....TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD HERE....
You know, by the logic you are sharing here, you're basically saying that every single one of you who has cheated or been cheated on, to just give it up because your spouse WILL cheat on you again, or YOU will cheat again, whatever...how friggin hopeless.

@melody lane, suddenly I belong in prison? Do me a favor. Stop talking.

Huh?

Our spouses will cheat on us again because of whatnow?

You aren't married. You aren't actually committed to this woman. You were her affair partner earlier.

That? Has nothing to do with our marriages.

She didn't say you belong in prison.

Please try and read what is being said to you. Believe it or not- people ate trying to help you- but you aren't getting the help you expected.


Think of it as going to the doctor. You go to the doctor for help and a cure. Not to argue with him or her about the diagnosis.

By the way, this is a marriage forum, not a save the affair forum. You are in the wrong place, bub.