Thanks guys.

No nightmares last night, but I must have had a dream of sorts because I woke up thinking WH had 65 Facebook friends, all appropriate people. Took a few minutes to realize there was no way I could know that since we have no contact.

Hopefully will be too preoccupied today to dwell on WH. Getting me and the kids ready for the party, the 45 minute drive up there and then again back and a couple hours with old friends while our kids play together. It'll be past the kids bedtime when we get home, so hopefully it'll be a fun day or at least a diversion from my internal emotional stuff.

Enjoy the kiddos and day my friend.

The kids and I had a good time at the party. They ran around like crazy people, ate a bunch of food and got to play with someone else's toys. I got to have adult conversation and talk about baby stuff.

More interesting, I watched the married people. I saw the attentiveness of a man towards his pregnant wife. I saw how great this guy was with his little daughter, never once trying to pawn her off on someone else because he was trying to hang out with his coworkers. Neither of which is a sure indicator of a solid marriage, but both made me realize how much the kids and I had allowed ourselves to miss out on by taking the scraps.

My wonderful best friend offered to throw me a baby shower. Seeing how uncomfortable that made me, she offered to throw a smaller baby sprinkle or even a meet the baby party for after I had the baby. I was very close to tears. It's so easy to forget that there are people who care about you when your whole world is consumed by the betrayal.

More dreams, but nothing I clearly remember which is for the best. Just a snippet with my dad asking me if it mattered if WH went to jail instead of prison or vice versa. Strange.

I know! I don't have children, but I remember that feeling of the rose coloured glasses coming off.

Glad to see it happening to you!

Last night while trying to go to sleep, I kept on thinking that I have never gone so long without talking to WH. It was sad, but not an overwhelming end of the world feeling. It was ok.

Today is less ok. The impulse to contact him is strong. More need to tell him that he sucks and exactly why. That whether he wants to acknowledge it or not, he's choosing booze and his crappy friends over his pregnant wife and kids. That if we meant anything to him at all, he wouldn't even hesitate to give up the things that hurt our family.

I haven't done it. Managed to remain still, do nothing. I'd love to say that it's because I know better, but that's not true. I logically think it could do no harm. I haven't done it because I don't want to come back here to you guys and tell you I did it. Not the best of reasons, but it's stopped me so far.

That's pretty much the same reason we all stay dark! I found it hard not to snoop, but I can always tell when others are snooping or not going through withdrawal and I know I can't cheat on my plan.

Accountability is key.

It sounds like you're going through a normal withdrawal and I am glad to see it.

It means a) you still have ahealthy lovebank, and I was a bit afraid hed drained you dry and b) it means you'll feel better once you go through the withdrawal. I can't describe it but you feel much more zen.

When coming up with all the reasons I should contact him (because it's so easy to talk yourself into something) this was one of the things I considered.

I understand the concept of Plan B and how it is supposed to protect your lovebank. I think I don't fully grasp why it would work though.

No contact, no snooping, no anything to do with him should in theory keep him from hurting me - that I get.

But I feel that his not taking the kids when he's supposed to makes withdrawals anyway. Even following the no contact, only going through IM feels like it's withdrawing from my lovebank. It shows an utter lack of concern about me and the kids, at least in my mind.

We can cut off all contact, make every precaution and follow every tenant of Plan B, but if someone truly wanted to break through that - there is always a way. It may only work once before the BS can block that possibility again, but there will always be yet another way.

As crazy as it sounds, his not finding a way past no contact feels like it's making love withdrawals. Here's a man that has proven time and again he has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to dealing with other people. While it's nice to think he's respecting my wishes by staying away, it's much more obvious that he's unconcerned about me and the kids at all.

I think my need to make contact comes from the urge to say - hey, I'm still here. I'm still pissed. I still expect you to make this right. And don't think for a second that I'll just go away and make this easier for you.

With children, the LB$ does remove in PB. That is why it is even MORE important NOT to have even indirect contact with your WS.

A LOT of the reason that I didn't do certain things has been because I didn't want to let this board down. Kept me accountable. Keep it up. You're doing great.

There is a certain evaporation of the lovebank in Plan B, even when you don't have children.

The fact they don't take up the offer of reconcilliation, don't tell the IM they will do everything, makes you feel abandoned, and that withdraws units slowly.

But it is nowhere near as swift as the lovebank withdrawals in direct contact.

After some time in Plan B divorce hurts less, so the slow evaporation is OK. It puts an expiration date on your offer.

jenn, i am so proud of you! NC is HARD, i know. every day that went by without some kind of contact made me simultaneously PEEVED OFF and totally depressed. plus, you are aching for a hit yourself. posting my feelings to this board and talking w/my friends and family helped me not break it, which is paramount, because if you do, he'll know your PB is weak and he can cake eat.

you can journal your anger. i just opened a google doc, and when i was mad OR depressed, i just typed away my feelings (i type better than i handwrite). yes, it sometimes resulted in a good cry. but crying is good - it's helps you get through the grief and releases the tension of your anger and depression.

keep up the good work jenn.

Ok, so my lovebank is lessening, but it's slower than it would be if I had direct contact. I get that and totally feel the difference between how things were before and how they are now, internally.

There is a lot more peace. A lot more acceptance of the situation as it is. Much surely has to do with the ADs, but I can see how no contact would be important too.

I just can't help feel that by removing myself from his life, I've stepped aside to allow the behavior to continue. It feels like I'm enabling him to continue without repercussion for as long as he likes. Yes, I'm saving my love for him, but for what, exactly? So that when he finally gets it out of his system, I'm still willing to take him back? Do I really want to have love for him a year from now when that may occur? Wouldn't it be better to stand in his way, even if that risked any love that's left in process, and make the freedom less enjoyable? At least speed up the process a bit, because I really don't want to love him a year down the line?



More than accountability, I think this is the root of my hesitation to contact him and blast him. This is the fear that keeps me still.

Contacting him will move some of his focus back to me. Make him have to see that I'm not leaving him to his fun. All good, except he will try to turn it into keeping me and the "fun." Contacting him will tell him that I'm not strong enough to risk losing him over the cake eating. Not true, but that is how he'll see it.

You can't control his behaviour though. No one can control another person. All we can do is control how we are treated and stop taking it.



You met more than half his needs. You used to reward his behaviour by meeting needs. Now he is left with half the fun and no reward. Most waywards in Plan B are miserable, just like drug addicts with no home or income. They still have their drug, but its cost them their real life.

Letting his abuse bust the love down in a faster way would harm you. BWs have been taken into psychiatric facilities and the children taken in by OPs.

It would be like a battered wife volunteering for beatings to destroy love.

And the wayward would top up the lovebank in between beatings.

His actions are none of your business now. Focus entirely on yourself. Build a life and future that is entirely for you.

Don't let him live in your head rent free.

Heal over a sensible time frame. You will see things more and more clearly as time goes on, just as you did at the party.

It won't hurt as much when you're through withdrawal and you won't even be aware of the protected lovebank. It will be so locked up, so frozen, you'll feel much more neutral about him than you do now.

Well, good. I'm just having a hard time not being able to witness his being miserable. I want to know he's miserable. It would make me feel better.



The reality of that struck me today. Even more to the extent that I really do know absolutely nothing. He could be in jail. He could be dead. He could be having the time of his life while knocking up women up and down the eastern seaboard. Didn't really need to consider that last one.

Not knowing is better, I'm sure of it. But I've never really bought into "what you don't know won't hurt you." It's a difficult adjustment to make.

But you do know! You know he's wayward and undeserving of any of your time or any space in your brain. Any energy at all.

And you shouldn't buy into that phrase. Oh certainly not. That would never be my motto either. See my sig for my motto. I'm all about truth and openness.

When its something to do with you and your life. Your business.

He isn't anything to do with you now. He isn't your problem or concern any more. He's other peoples problem now! Let's see how well the fair weather friends do.

I know this is a HUGE adjustment to make. You're so used to his actions having some effect on you.

It takes time. One day, fairly soon in fact, you will see its possible to stop wondering and caring what he does.

Right now you want to see him miserable because you still see yourself as joined to him. That's just a symptom of withdrawal sickness.

You do know, deep down that you would much rather have a happier healther landscape to view, better things to do, worthier tasks to occupy you.

You don't really want a front seat in waywardsville. Becoming repulsed and pitying and angry in turns, do you?

He doesn't DESERVE your attention unless he EARNS them.

Plan B is not 'what you don't know what hurts you'

Plan B is 'I'm going to take my hands out of the sewage water and stop sifting it to see how dirty it is'

Plan B is Plan New Life, Plan Me and Plan I Dont Have Time To Think About How Stupid You Are.

Wow Indie.

You go girl!

Thanks reading.

I actually think people like me, with a single OW who has a romantic hold on the WS have an easier time of it than BWs who have greedy cake eater husbands with multiple OW like JiLs.

I know my OW. I know she's dumpy, bad tempered, promiscuous, controlling and was loathed by my WH for making his friends life a misery before they began grieving together.

When I read on here that a wayward has no taste, has no need to pick a good person, who meets needs well, I readily believe it because I've seen it. They just need a cheap hit.

When I read a wayward with an attractive/intelligient/affectionate spouse, doesn't need an attractive/affectionate/intelligient mistress, I believe it.

For a start a person with those qualities wouldn't be a mistress.

I have read that the OP 'could have been a goat' and I believe that is true. Because I've seen my husband's goat.

But when there is multiple OW, you must feel like you're being attacked by ghosts.

In the BSs mind, there is an endless supply of beautiful young things, sexy, fun and exciting.

And the WS in their mind is happier than ever, in an endless orgy and no commitment. That's what he always wished for isn't it?

Well be careful what you wish for.

There is a time I would have believed the endless orgy theory too, but we see it play out differently too often on here.

Look at Peachy's H and his open attitude to relationships. He swapped a brave and beautiful wife for a tawdry cheap copy. Then swapped the first OP for an even cheaper copy of her for his wistress. He just kept trading down and down so he could be with women who allowed him to cheat. He kept spiralling under the infliuence of these horrible women until his work suffered and he lost everything: job, children, home, money, freedom (he was jailed).

I actually think types like my WH with his SS 'soulmate schmoopie' are more comfortable in Plan B at first than those with orgy lifestyles.

SS types at first feel they haven't lost anything. They lost an old love, but they have a new love. All is well! Better than well! They have never felt so (doped up) in love! It takes time for that illusion to shatter.

Orgy types have lost nine needs in favour of one: sex. This is immediately apparent and they go crazy trying to break Plan B. They get one need met with one girl, the same need me with another. Same, same, same. Same as always, but less than before. They've had the buffet taken away and replaced with one food item they have to eat forever.

And they have no home. No one who gives a damn when the drinking stops.

Unless they can get the wife back. Or a wife that will allow him to cheat, a la Peachys H.

This is true. And I still feel the effects of his actions when he doesn't pick up the kids or pay for their preschool.

But - when he told me about his newest DUI, that didn't effect me like it once would have. I didn't have to worry about insurance costs, fine, court fees, etc because I rarely see money from him anyway. I didn't have to worry about being inconvenienced by his inability to drive for 2 years, because it is in no way my problem and I knew that immediately. It was a relief. Something I wasn't going to have to deal with like I always had before. He'll get a ride to pick up the kids, or he won't show. Not much different from now. And if he ever tries to put my kids in his car while he's unlicensed, I'll call the police. Easy enough.



This perfectly describes, at the very least, the last 2 years of my life. I was beginning to believe those were the only feelings I could feel anymore. At least towards him. Add some desperation in there and that was my life. I cringe at the thought.

Yes. And you worry, irrationally or not, how the heck are you supposed to compete with that? Who picks the 30+ woman with a herd of kids when the world is full of drunken sluts?



Of course. How do you not see separation as a way of continuing the drunken orgy without having to hide it anymore? I mean, sure, he still has to hide it from me (if I wasn't in Plan B, that is) but lying to me is second nature by now. He can openly screw around under the guise of a "separation" that was "mutual." That he really tried to come home, but the things I wanted were too "controlling," so why shouldn't he have "fun?"



But isn't that what they were after all along? Nonstop sex. No one complaining about the drinking? Isn't it possible that some WS just don't care if their other ENs are met, as long as there is SF and no LBs?

I ask purely from a curiosity standpoint. And I agree and question the above because that truly is what runs through my head at times.

At the current moment, my mind is clear. The word repulsed from the last post dances in my head. That is the crux of the entire situation and it's easy to see when not in consumed by the urges withdrawal creates. Dealing with him, in this situation is repulsive. It makes my skin crawl. Makes me want to shower. Repeatedly. I know that. Have known that for a very long time. I don't want him back while things are like this. Withdrawal just makes you crazy and forgetful at certain moments.

Thank you for talking sense into me. I really needed it.

At my moms and she plays the messages on her answering machine. My WS called and left me a message on her phone this morning. That was a surprise.

My FIL is in the hospital. Call him back. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I eventually decided to message one of my brother in laws, just saying that I wasn't sure what was going on with his dad, but that I was thinking about him and if my MIL needed anything to call me.

My brother in law got back to me right away. Not to worry, just his appendix which will probably be removed today.

I'm glad my FIL is fine. I really do love that man. But I'm totally irked that WH tried to use his illness as a way to get me to contact him. Cause, you know, if I did nothing, I was a huge uncaring jerk.

Totally glad I rationally thought of a way to show my care for FIL without having to deal with WH too. I just wish I hadn't had to hear his voice. That's going to bug me for a while.

And it would have been nice if he could have at least mentioned whether or not he was picking his kids up from school today. Now I still have to hike over there and make sure this afternoon since he hasn't picked them up the last 3 times he was supposed to.