Hi Everyone:

I am back and need your help. I want to go into Plan B and separate from my husband. I need help with what to put in a separation agreement (my state does have legal separation so I am going to work with a counselor to draft up an agreement that I will present to my husband).

Since I last posted, my husband has still battled his addiction. He said that he still fantasizes about other woman and has a wondering eye (he looks at other women). Also, he recently admitted that he was engaging in an affair (an emotional affair) with a female coworker. He says he does not see her anymore and he stopped talking to her about 3 years ago. My DH also says he does he engage in watching porn or chatting online with other women. However, he still is not interested in me. We do not engage in SF and he does not pursue me.

He is distant and does not talk with me. When we do talk about our relationship (I bring up the distant and lack of communication and lack of SF), he cannot open up. He shuts down and does not talk. In the past 2 weeks, he responds by saying I don�t love him. I don�t trust him or I just want to get rid of him. I am emotionally tired from all of this. I asked him to go back to the marriage counselor on his own because he stated he wants to prove to me that he has changed.

After several weeks of seeing the therapist and his preacher, nothing has changed. He is so defensive when I ask him to open up and talk to me. Also, I started asking him about if he was viewing porn or seeing the other women. And I know he looks at other women because I see him looking at women when we go to the store and other places.

He got so defensive that he started yelling at me and asking me why don�t I trust him. And that I was punishing him because I am not letting what he has done in the past go. I could not take him screaming at me because he has never done that before. I asked him to leave the house for one night. He called everyone (family, preacher and counselor) and told them I kicked him out of the house.

The counselor called him back on Saturday night and told him to be a man and come back home and be the man of the house. Also, the counselor told my husband to tell me to call him on Sunday. On Sunday, I called the counselor. This is the marriage counselor my husband and I had seen him in the past for marriage counseling.

I told the counselor about the lack of communication, how my DH and I do not talk and that we have not slept in the same room in almost a 1-2 years. The counselor told me he was shocked because this is not what my DH told him in counseling sessions. The counselor asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I am so emotionally tired and I wanted to feel healthy again. I said I wanted to separate. The counselor said he would mediate the separation. Even though my state does not recognize legal separation, he said we can still put together an agreement. The counselor wants during this time for my husband to work on making changes. Also, the counselor asked me to draft up what I want in the separation agreement, items that I feel my husband should work towards in the interim for reconciliation. I really feel my DH should present something to me. But I do want to present what I feel would make me feel safe and what my boundaries are.

So, I am asking for help on what I should include in the agreement.
I want to first off include:
1. Complete his sex addiction counseling (he stopped going after 2 months)
2. Attend the 12 step program for sex addiction (he stopped this meeting after 2 group sessions)
3. Find an accountability partner for his sex addiction
4. Stop talking to the coworker (I will address this more with the counselor tomorrow. I just learned this from him. He says he does not see her anymore. The counselor did not know this until I told him today). Not sure if I need to do the exposure of this as well because he said it happened so long ago.
5. A plan for not viewing porn and chatting online with other women
6. Individual counseling to deal with communication skills and his fear of rejection (this is what the counselor has said he fears rejection and being alone)
7. I want him to be a partner with me � he does not help with parenting. I do all the housework. I pay all of the bills. And this is tiresome.
Am I going in the right direction? What else should I include? I never thought I would be getting to this point. So, I really need help.

Here is what I have done:
� I have completed counseling with a sex addiction counselor who works with spouses of sex addicts for my recovery
� I have attended a group program for spouses of sex addicts
� I have learned so much about myself and realized where I can do better and worked hard on improving myself.

Do you have this on Plan B?
How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples

I would also add to do MB coaching.

Do you have an IM lined up? This will help you.
IM training school

Thank you for the list. And Yes, I need to add MB. I was thinking about the coaching earlier this week.

No, I do not have an IM lined up. I don't have anyone that could do this for me. Is there someone on the forum that I can reach out to for this?

Thanks again.

Hi Everyone:

I looked at the sample Plan B letters and crafted one.
- I included the steps for reconciliation as I had mentioned in my earlier post.
- I added MB
- And I borrowed the following statements from one of the letters and added to my section for reconciliation: (1) - A detailed recovery plan (what it is and how YOU plan to implement it) and (2) - Proof you're working a 12-step program for addiction.

I gave my Plan B letter to the therapist and my DH. My DH�s response was he wanted to give me room to heal. He kept apologizing for hurting me and he does this a lot. He says he feels so full of guilt and shame about what he has done. My DH has set an appointment to start back with the 12-step program. The therapist had recommended an inpatient program for him for addiction since he did not go to the outpatient counseling but for about 5 sessions. My DH states he will go to the inpatient addiction program.

But, I feel disappointed. I wanted us to try MB before moving to Plan B. It seems there is more we can do instead of him walking away today so easily with the thought of separation. I know I sound emotional and I do feel it.

About 8 months ago, he asked to borrow my copy of �his needs her needs� to read along with �Boundaries� to read. He said he understood the basic concepts from the his needs her needs book. He asked me about my top needs and has told me so many times he wants to work on meeting them. From the assessments, I used to think my top need was SF. I still do think it is one of my top needs. However, I�m beginning to feel that Honesty and Openness and conversation are top needs followed by SF. The reason is each time my DH and I talk and he tells me how he wants to change and he doesn�t want to lose me and he never tries to meet my needs, I feel so crushed. Maybe, I am the stumbling block here. I�ve wondered if we both have our top needs wrong.

My DH says that conversation is his top needs but I think his top need is admiration but he tells me it is not. The reason I think this is one time he told me he wants me to feel proud of him. Also, when we talk, he is still distant. I find myself doing all the talking and he sits there in a daze. When I stop talking, he gets upset and says I don�t want to talk to him. So, it seems that conversation is more of a chore for him than a motivator.

Also, I think he is trying to meet my needs with what he really wants from me. For example, some days gives me too many compliments and praises me excessively. I gently had to tell him that these gestures are sweet but I really wanted him to talk more so I can learn more about him, his feelings, his goals, and spend time with him. I want us to spend time together, for us to talk, for him to show me he cares about me by being interested in what I have to say and not tuning me out so much. And for him to be interested in me and attracted to me physically. This is when he shuts down or he gets frustrated because he tells me he is trying to meet my needs.
I feel that since he doesn�t open up, I don�t know much about him and he doesn�t know much about me. I find it hard to give him praise because I don�t know him. I don�t want to lie and give him false admiration.

I guess I feel that we haven�t tried everything yet. Or maybe I�m just feeling too emotional right now.
My DH keeps telling me he has stopped viewing porn, not seeing the coworker, not fantasizing about other women, not chatting with other woman online but he is so distant from me. He says he fears loosing me. But he has not put out the effort to work on our marriage. I still have the tracking software on the computer and nothing has been emailed to me that is inappropriate in awhile. It is just the distance and lack of SF that makes me wonder what is really going on.

So since you gave him the Plan B letter is he out?

Do you have an IM?

You need to go dark now until he's ready to meet all your conditions.

I can't remember but do you have children?

He's a sex addict and Dr. Harley says with addicts that MB won't work until the addict is clean.

After he becomes clean will be the time for you to work on the M.

Now use Plan B to protect you and your lovebank.

He is not out yet. We will make a plan for who moves out in the next few weeks. This is because of my state laws. Legally, the plan B document does not hold weight in court as there is no such thing as a legal separation. Also, I cannot by law make him leave our home nor can he make me leave unless there is threat of physical violence.

I am using the plan B document because I believed it would help me express my terms for reconcillation and how much pain my DH has put me through. The plan B document is serving that goal.

By presenting my plan B with a marriage counselor, it helped my DH to agree because he wants me to have space. So, the next step is to define the terms of who will move out. Right now, I want to move out and I am finalizing my transition to another house. If I stay in our home and he moves, he has the right to come in and out as he pleases.

Thanks! I will keep everyone posted.

Registest - I'm sorry it's come to this. Perhaps your separating from him will wake him up and he'll get real help for his affair and addictions.

Words mean nothing. Only his actions matter. I'm glad you are seeing this. He seems sincere - at least he is saying he wants to make things work. This is a good sign.

This cannot be easy for you - you've been through a lot of hurt and disappointment. BrainHurts is right: going dark will protect your love bank so you have the motivation to work on the marriage after your H makes the necessary changes you outlined in your letter.

I am following your post and cheering you on!

PLEASE PLEASE MAKE HIM GO! (I have similiar struggles as your husbad...its an addiction) I am going to talk from an addicts perspective. His addiction is the same as an alcoholics (just different vice). Did he think he was strong enough to battle through it on his own? If so, he was a fool and while he still has a chance with you I want to smack upside the head and encourage him to go. I got my last chance and stopped going to counseling because I thought I could do it on my own. I wanted my wife to "make" me go because I knew I needed it but felt so much shame and guilt it was easier to think I could do it on my own. I have to learn to see this through for me...

From your perspective you have to protect yourself. My wife "kicked" me out and I am living with my mom. I have 4 nights a week that I am "free" the other 3 I am with my kids. He needs some kind of motivation that will ROCK HIS WORLD...and give him no choice but to go. I may have lost my wife because I thought I was strong....If your husband needs to talk to someone who he can relate to...have him send me a message. I am learning the hard way...and it hurts so much.