You know, when I was going through my divorce, I desperately wanted to have a relationship, to fill my void. I was scared, and wanted to have someone I could lean against. I got XBF. He fell in love with me and I could tell he wanted to marry me. But that actually scared me a bit, just like now my COO dude is scarying me. The reason I felt scared when XBF hinted he wanted to marry early on, is very similar to how you felt when you thought your friends might have thought B was your husband/LT boyfriend. It was the fear, I did not like to feel I was erasing my XH and replacing him with someone else. Even though I was looking for someone to fill my void. It did not make sense. I guess because I was in love with XH still. And I did not want to feel that I was destroying my original family, and replacing DS's father with someone else. Even though it was XH who had left.

Then now with the COO guy, this time, I do not have such fear of replacing XBF with someone else, either because I have become so much stronger over time, especially after having gone through divorce, or because in the end he is not DS's father. Also we were not living together. Whatever the reason is, I do not have the same level of concerns and hesitation, although I do have many sweet memories with XBF. The only reason I am not happy about this guy's aggressive approach is simply I am not that into him. On top of it, now I learned something new about him...

I know we are not perfect. I have made many mistakes too. So I know it is not fair to demand so much in others either... and I do not, usually. I am a very accepting person when it comes to my friends and all others. I always find something great about people, and I think that is why I never had any issues at school and workplace, I never had 'bad' bosses. Even those others may call 'jerk', I could become friends with because I managed to 'get' and like them.

Yet, when it comes to my partner, I know I have a very high standard - even when he is having a bad day, if he takes on me, it really hurts and I lose respect. I know it's wrong. I need to support him no matter what. If he is mean to others, it bothers me, and again I tend to lose respect. Even though I might be doing the same things without my realizing it. Maybe I am very selfish and demanding only in a romantic relationship.

Would I be okay without a relationship? That's a good question. I thought I rather have a BF than another husband before - that is when I was dating XBF. I did not want to go through all the troubles and issues and betrayals and heartaches and disappointment again. But over time I began wanting to have a family again. And the pressure pushed XBF away. Now I am on the other end. The pressure from the COO is not pleasant. But that does not mean I do not want to have a family. I think I DO want to have a family life again. I just want to have someone I can completely trust, and spend time together without having worried about him resenting of his freedom being taken away. I want someone we can grow old together. I am not planning on taking him for granted, but at the same time I would want a relationship where we never even question about 'us' being together, because it's so natural and we cannot imagine being without each other.

A partner shouldn't take out his bad day on you. I don't think you are wrong for losing respect there. You certainly aren't wrong for losing respect over him cheating. I'm sorry but no matter what your spouse does, I will never be convinced that it is OK to cheat.

I don't see you as being selfish and demanding after I've read the stuff your XBF did. He is the selfish and demanding one.

I like what you want in a relationship. I've told myself that I won't settle for less than a man who worships the ground I walk on (and I in return worship the ground he walks on).

Milkshake,

The phenomeonon you describe with both XBF and COO is what the author of www.baggagereclaim.com describes as "future faking" and "fast forwarding":

When someone is a Future Faker they via their words and initial actions give you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present. They make thinly veiled or even direct references to stuff like marriage, babies, moving in together, going on holiday, being together the following year and other such things that imply or state that you�re a part of their life, and then they either disappear or replace the person you thought they were with someone altogether different.

When someone Fast Forwards you, they speed you through, in particular, the early stages of dating by sweeping you up in a tide of intensity, so that you miss red flags and mistake the intensity as being reflective of their deep feelings for you. Fast Forwarding is not just the words of Future Faking, but pushing for emotional and sexual commitment, contacting you or wanting to be together all of the time, introducing you very quickly to people, taking you to look at places or giving you their key, and other such madness.

Wow. Very interesting, this is the first time I heard of these terms. Do women do this to men too, or only men do this to women?

Don't men (maybe women do this too, but since I never dated women, lol, I don't know) all this though?

When I was dating XH, he asked if I could marry him if we were still together in the future. That was only the first or the second month after we started dating. The other guys I briefly dated mentioned marriage right away. XBF mentioned marriage early on, and I was introduced to his mom and other family members right away. Now the COO guy. He keeps telling how much he loves me, but I haven't returned the L word back, because I cannot. He wants to introduce me and DS to his family but I do not want to introduce him to my son yet. I thought all guys do this early on when they feel they are in this intense feeling of love. My XH met his current GF a few years ago, and he was so much in love that he even shared the story with me, which was weird. They got engaged last year and are getting married this summer.

I do not want too fast a development, but at the same time looking back how XBF and I 'lost' fuel in the long-term relationship, I do not want to spend too much time before we move onto the next level either. It's a huge dilemma.

I had not heard those terms either but it makes me wonder about my ex-fiance...maybe he did both. I don't think he consciously set out to, but that was his display. Very interesting. I guess it just shows we not only need to be careful about not letting a relationship go too fast in the beginning but also need to be so aware of red flags, esp. someone that seems to be manipulating us by using what we want to get what they want.

Milkshake,

No, not all men do this. There is a different between good guys and those who are emotionally unavailable or [censored]. The good guys take things slow...they don't try and bed you on the first date...in fact, many of them won't even try to kiss you on the first date. They don't rubber band back and forth between hot and and cold. Let me repeat: normal, respectful people with empathy and care don�t behave this way.

I encourage you, strongly, to spend time reading the multitude of articles on www.baggagereclaim.com about relationships and dating. It made a world of difference to my life. I was the type who continually got involved with guys who eventually broke my heart through disappearing (what I called "poofing"), the "slow fade", cheating on me (both when I was married to him or while I was dating them), really wanting only sex and using me for it, etc. After one, particularly hard breakup, after my divorce, I spent a great deal of time reading and thinking about the ideas on Baggage Reclaim. It totally helped me see where my perceptions were off and taught me to rethink the men I was meeting/dating. It was long after that I met an absolutely super guy who didn't kiss me goodnight on our first date but did follow up afterward telling me what a nice time he had, who didn't try to jump into a relationship hot and heavy straight away, who didn't blow hot and cold or try to bed me on the first or second date....in fact, it was many months, who didn't tell me he loved me for MANY months, who didn't push to move in with me, who doesn't have financial or work issues, who doesn't lie when its convenient or to cover up misdeeds, who doesn't have drinking problems and isn't still hung up on an ex or clinging to his past, someone who valued me for who I am inside, not just on the outside. This man didn't run away from marriage...in fact, I didn't have to bring the subject up and we didn't talk about it ad infinitum. It was him who brought it up at the appropriate time two years after we met, not two minutes, two days or two months.

If a guy is future faking or fast forwarding, it's a HUGE red flag....beware!

Happy Friday and...pre Mother's Day to all of you wonderful mothers!!!

You too milkshake.

You too MS! Haven't heard from my kids but I took my 90 year old mom out last night...she is mentally very gone so it's hard to watch her decline. We're in the painful process of trying to get intervention through the courts so we can assure her safety as she doesn't cooperate or let us help her. I wouldn't wish this on anyone...so it is that this year Mother's Day kind of has a dual edge for me.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that KC. But I'm sure when she has the moment when she knows what's going on around her, she appreciates her daughter being with her.

My mom is very negative and mentally ill...always has been. It's just worse now, it's progressed and dementia has set in. I'm trying to be patient with her and know God will make her well next time around. She's NOT enjoyable to be around, but we're trying to be good kids and do the right thing regardless. It's tough.

I did get to spend some time with my son and his fiance, that was great!

I hope you all had a good mother's day!

{{{{{KC}}}}}

That's funny, Daisy, I just sent you hugs in the other thread! LOL

awww, thanks!

Like others say, the "fastfowarding" is a red flag, and I think that "I am doing so not because of his wealth.. I think that's a part of his attraction towards me" is also a red flag...I think you are taking that to mean "she is independent, that is awesome" where it could also mean "I have no money so she sure as heck can't rely on me and maybe I can get some out of her".