He met her at a bar. She does not live near by and there are no other connections friend wise to tie her to us.

Sugar,

I did ask my H today if there was someone else. Of course, he said no and asked me why I always assume that another person is responsible for the way that he feels. He said that there isn't anyone else and there hasn't been since he broke it off with her.

He also said that he has never loved anyone but me. I believe him when he says this.

In his fragile mind he does not believe that his A was wrong and this has plagued us for the past three months. I can't help however to feel like the way he is acting is the same as he did when he was an an A a few months ago.

His behavior just does not make sense. Yesterday we were out to dinner having a great time, I bring up our recovery, he tells me how he feels, it upsets me and I ask for more = Today he wants to call it quits. Something is just not adding up in my mind.

I will not give up without a fight!!! Wish me luck this week!

We'll be here in your corner during your fight with words, prayers and advice if requested. Do NOT fight fair, XVY. I remind you that your children's well-being is as much on the line as your own.

Thanks NG and thank your wife for her wise words and wish her a happy moms day.

Sorry to keep venting here but I have a few other thoughts that have been haunting me all day. The past few weeks my h has really been stepping up to both husband and parent duties. We done a number of things together as a family and have really enjoyed this time together. This is something that rarely happened before. This once again makes me question why now, today he decided to call it quits. Do I have the right to ask him this?

Since we are keeping this quiet from our children this week I think I am going to Plan A to the extreme!!! I have already been plan A ing him for the past few months but I am not going to let his decision today get me down or change the way that I am treating him. In fact I am going to go above and beyond.

Does this sound like a good idea?

wow, you guys have been busy this morning. it's 7am here and i'm off to work, but...

there was an RA??

i will catch up when i get home! oh dear...

Letty,

You make me laugh. The RA was in January and yes it does add s
Drama to the situation. It is quite amazing how much can happen in 24 hours. Yesterday at this time my H and I were eating sausage and sipping wine at our favorite winery....so many wonderful memories

I don't think a WS can ever completely understand what it is like for a BS. One minute you love them and would do anything to keep your family together, the next minute you are so enraged you wish they would die a terrible death for everything they've done to you and your children. Everything triggers pain - angry words, beautiful memories, a gentle touch - it all triggers memories of betrayal and what you have done to them. They want so badly to have their family back, their marriage back - but you have permanently altered it, defiled it. It's going to take work to clean up that mess. It is doable. I believe almost all of us BS's in our hearts want nothing more than to build a beautiful marriage with our WS's.

I can say with deep remorse that I blew it when my WH started to turn his heart toward me again, after months of praying and trying to get to that point. When he finally began to come toward me again, it was like it was finally safe for all the anger to boil up that I had been repressing in order to do what I had to do to try to save the marriage. And then I was terrified. What if it wasn't real? What if he didn't mean it? What if I opened my heart to him just so he could shatter it again? I hardened myself to protect myself. It was sheer terror that I let take over me, that caused me to distance myself a little when he finally turned toward me. I wanted him to keep coming, to prove that he wasn't taking off again. I needed that. And I let some anger come through because I needed desperately to see some real understanding and remorse from him.

I would give anything to have him be where you are right now, but I can also see your BH point of view. He's an emotional wreck. And if he had an A too, in retaliation, that is grossly irresponsible and wrong. But you still have to own that you started all this.

I do not know him, or you, but I can tell you what would have helped me (and even my kids) in this situation. I needed to see that my WH meant it, that he was really going to change, try to make up for things, separate from OW, love me and our children, protect us all from further pain. Don't go running after him begging and pleading. Let him express his anger, let him take off, you can't control his poor choices in reaction to yours. But just quietly continue to do everything you can to SHOW him that you love him, that you are a changed woman, that you are sorry, that you will be a great wife and mom, that you would never do something so horrible again. My husband and I were in recovery for a few months, and I saw this from him. I began to trust him again. I have never felt so in love with him or so close to him as I did then. But when we hit a rough spot, I got scared and closed off a little. He could have turned that around in a couple of days of just demonstrating love. But he let it scare him too, and left. Biggest mistake of both our lives. We are in hell now, OW is back with a vengeance. Awful. He started to turn toward me again a few months ago, after being separated for over a year (situation I described above), but I was even more scared this time, and he didn't do what it took to convince me.

Be the wife you keep promising him that you can be, and remain that person regardless of what he does or does not do. He has a whole lot of anger and grief to work through - he's afraid, but when he sees that he can trust you to remain constant in your love and your resolve, even through some ups and downs from him, I think you will begin to see him open his heart, trust you, and be the husband you need as well. I'm no expert, but that's my 2 cents from a BS point of view.

Most likely something triggered him, whether direct contact or indirect.

If he was only a BS, or only a WS, it would be much easier to predict and understand his behavior and thought processes. Because he is both, it's not usually possible to tell which one he is at any given moment.

That's why you don't stress it, even when it's stressful. You stick to fixing you, and keep doing that until/unless it becomes time to Plan B. (It's not yet.)

RS,
Those two cents were worth more than a million bucks to me. I know that no matter how hard I try I will never completely understand my betrayal the way he does. Even though he had his own RA it is just not the same. No matter what I am planning to continue to be the best wife and mother I can be. I owe that to everyone including myself.

Be careful he's not perceiving it as you quite possibly pouring it on in front of the kids such that you are guilting him into staying or worse...making him out to be the bad guy if and when he decides to separate/divorce.

Mr. W

That was and is not my intention but I see your point. I think I am just going to act the same way I have been. I will not kill him with kindness but I will not mope, cry, and beg for him to stay behind closed doors. I am well aware it has to be his decision. I am also aware that if he can't forgive me, then our marriage does not have a shot. Right now, I fear that he has convinced himself of this.

Once a person has become indifferent, is there any turning back?

Yes, and if you begin to see anger that's actually a good sign. Anger is a step closer than indifference.

fifteen. Maybe it is just a Mothers Day trigger. I had the same problem myself on Fathers Day...especially when I had to look at all those sappy cards. I would work myself into a rage (before I found MB). I ruined two Fathers Day before I got a grip (and a couple of B-Days also.)

I would love to see him get on board with MB. That is when I was able to work through my anger and find peace.

Stick with it. It is very early days for you.

PF,
I have been trying so hard to get him on here for support. That is and has always been on of his biggest problems, keeping everything in. Sometimes he reads the forum but he will not post.

Will he do coaching with Steve Harley?

I brought that up today and he did not really respond one way or another to it.

Okay, it's Sunday night. What are your plans for promoting your plan on Monday?

I'm glad if it helped a little. Keep going! Don't give up! Your marriage and family are worth it:)