Oh no, the mysterious picture was bull and she holds to that it wasn't anything of consequence. Bull&!$# ad nauseum. I have been a sickly enabler and I'm done. Thanks for the 2x4, it was needed.

I'm sick and tired of going back and forth between anger, sadness, and just wanting to be away from it all. Every time I've tried to talk with W about it, it somehow gets twisted into all about her. That's why I came here, because I need a plan.

Still working on getting the OMW contact info. I don't want to expose without her being told.

Got the proverbial smack in the face today, realizing that just because WW doesn't have a car doesn't mean that she can't get out.

On my way home, get a call from her... "Oh by the way, had to go to the store so I won't be home when you get there."

I don't know if I want to keep my mistrust quiet and try to get a keylogger on her computer or just go ahead and ask for NC letter, EP's, polygraph, etc. Even if she catches the keylogger her reaction would be valuable to see I figure. Any advice on how to proceed here?

You need to be double 007 and put your emotions aside for now. I know it's difficult but if you follow the plan your enabling days are over.

Once you expose it's a huge relief being lifted.

How did she go to the store? Did you go find where she's at? Take pictures? Can you afford a PI? They will be able to get OM's BW information also.

New OM - The fact that I can't say for sure "no" scares me. The big red flag is the random unexplained picture which was only a couple months ago (March 2012). I've seen *nothing* else on her phone and I check her SD card/phone memory for deleted files when I can. (When you delete a file using any computer, phone, etc., traces stick around the special software can find). There hasn't been any more but I haven't gotten a satisfactory explanation. Just from the way she uses her phone and computer she would catch a keylogger on either. Either way her reaction to finding them would be useful, I think... In any case, I confronted her about the picture almost immediately and she fed me a BS story. Whoops, should have looked for more before I confronted!

Maybe I should take her hyper sensitive computer security habits as another red flag? I've got access to everything but if she's good about deleting information (esp. Facebook conversations, application install/remove logs on phone/computer, etc.), I'd never know. I need a good couple hour sit down on her computer to really dig into it but I never get the opportunity.

Yes, she went to a garden store. I tried to meet up with her after she called but was already on the way home. There were new plants and a receipt that matches the time frame.

PI is out of the question. I'm the sole income for our family and she's got a hawk eye on the finances.

Edit: Facebook panned out. Me and WW are both blocked from OM and OMW's page, and a created a dummy account but neither have any public information. I hit the jackpot with the OM's kids page (already saved the friends names).

Oh yes big red flag.

Ok so you just need to get contact information on OM's BW and then you can drop the exposure bomb, correct?

What about on the Om's kids page could you see anything for the BW? Do you have her name? Did you do a people search?
Trying to figure out identity

Need OMW phone then I'm golden. Not doing email cause it's too easy to intercept. Email/Facebook would work for everyone else, but not her.

I have her full legal name. It's a matter of waiting on my cell bill reprint to come in the mail, that's all. Yes did a search but turned up nothing for free.

Can you check her cell bill online?

Nah, it only goes back so far so I had to get it re-printed. They are sending it to my parent's house so there's virtually zero chance W discovers I'm looking for it that way.

This is probably my last opportunity to post here tonight. Couple of lingering questions:

1) Plan A is all about meeting her ENs, right? I'm pretty sure SF is one of her top needs. I've not been completely stupid about it (she got STD testing after DDay #1), but she sees not wanting to reciprocate her advances as a sign I'm in a bad mood/thinking about something/whatever, and nearly always leads to a talk about the affair. Just grin it and bear the best I can?

2) About a month ago she wanted to stop SF until we were "recovered" (whatever that means in her head). My reaction was... sub-par ("Uhm, why on Earth do you want to do that?") and her replies were almost amusing (not so much at the time). Things like how it was funny I was incredulous at the thought of her suggesting such a thing. Any possible explanation? Asking her about it is surely a minefield at best.

3) Our MC is expensive and feels useless. I'm not sure how to approach this without arousing her suspicion that I think something is wrong.

2) About a month ago she wanted to stop SF until we were "recovered" (whatever that means in her head)...Any possible explanation? Asking her about it is surely a minefield at best.

How utterly charming! She has decided to be sexually faithful to the man in her life...AND IT AIN'T YOU, PAL!

WWs getting busy with an OM go one of two ways - shut off BH's nookie access, or increase the availability to distract him.

BTW: Was it about the time she closed the cookie jar that she sent you the picture in the lingerie that you were not going to see up close and personal?

Here's a suggestion for your MB profile epilogue:

"There is none so blind as he who will not see!"

They were about a month apart. Either one alone should have set my suspicion into high gear. I like the quote, if I wasn't seething right now I'd go ahead and use it.

I'm working on getting eblaster right now. All our spare cell phones might get randomly donated to charity after I've got the chance to check them out.

I love this place, it helps me see.

Why don't you make the Keylogger a REQUIREMENT if she would like to stay married to you?

If she finds it, tell her its staying. Otherwise she can leave.

When she pouts, throws a tantrum, gives you the silent treatment -- or any other of her manipulation tactics -- STAND YOUR GROUND.

If she wants that chance for strike 3 -- you must have some requirements -- a whole list of requirements. And if she would like the opportunity to EARN back your trust, she can START by being TRANSPARENT (and not bitchin' about it).

DITTO!

I would take it a step further and say you need to do your exposure, then sit your WW down and have a "talk" with her about what it is going to take to stay in this M.

More than the keylogger, the gaming is going to have to go.

So...I assume she is in charge of childcare of DD3? You realize this poor child is probably being neglected while she is gaming and having online EAs, right?

I sure hope you have been documenting all of WW's behavior since 2009.

Okay, I screwed up. I let her in on that I am on high alert after OM attempted contact. She's going to expect a "talk" about it and will stop at nothing, including not letting me sleep, to talk about it.

I've told her to write an NC letter and let me see it. Should I give her my list of EP's? I was trying to verify if she was doing something right now or not but I've screwed it up now. Help please... I just want to end with the best situation for our M and DD.

Edit: Got 2 minutes alone with her phone and got a keylogger on there.

What the <blank>? Every single time I've ever expressed even a shred of concern I've been kept awake, badgered and harassed into a "talk" by my W until she's satisfied that I'm content at that moment. Today I let it slip to her in a text message that OM's recent attempted contact to her really bothered me. I got home fully expecting one of these talks.

Nothing happened. W didn't even mention it. It's such a break from normal for her. Uhhhh

Really can't wait until the first opportunity to install a keylogger on her computer.

Of course she wants to avoid the talk because she has something to hide.

Keep up the Intel.

So far nothing at all.

Say she's not doing anything *right now*. How do I convince her that being honest about what she's done is a requirement? She has always held to that the trip with OM #1 was nothing physical, which I know is damn near not the truth, but I want to hear her admit it.

What if she is doing something right now? My mind is way too busy just thinking about the possibilities.

Let me tell you that online games are a breeding ground for EA's and PA's... find my thread and you can see what my wife and I went through with online games .. ITs SUCH a distraction from each other.

I played an online social game for 8 years ... and it had my wife and I totally consumed like it was our life ... she had her friends in her own clan .. and I had mine ... we would be playing together .. but almost against each other since our clans rivaled. What a waste of 8 years ... To this day .. I would rather work out and spend time with my family than level my character in an online game... its a negative trigger for me now to play any online game as the resentment i had towards my wife and the guys she "hung out with" in the game that ended up on her facebook .. and MSN chat ... and in general getting more of her attention than I did.. esentially EA's without us even knowing they were until I found MB and all the light bulbs came on as to what was happening to us... I tried to get my wife on board after I quit gaming (she didnt) and it got ugly several times ... (almost like teh games and ppl in the games were worth more to her than I was and at the time they probably were as we did NOT meet each others needs at all really ... She told me to go to counseling becasue there was something wrong with me for not trusting her to chat with guys online and all my snooping etc was invading her privacy. It got bad emotionally ... I went to counselling then i got her to come too ..

After we went to counseling together... (which was a waste of money as we always left angrier than when we went in) I presented to my wife the MB stuff AGAIN, specifily the POJA and it really hit her hard as to what she was doing (the fog was lifted a bit)... we read about 7 of the books together and now we can not even bother to turn on the PCs much anymore ... we go for walks ... we play cards .. we go to movies .. and dinner dates .. etc ... gaming took too much of our time from kids and our UA time (which is critical to being in love .. you didnt fall in love by ignoring each other).

Its a tough habit to break ... but you MUST break the online gaming habit .. its too easy to get sucked in for hours ... while ignoring each other. When I game now (hardly ever) .. its a stand alone game with no interactions with real people. FAR less consuming.

Keep up the snooping .. then bring it here before you confront her with your intel so we can help you with the next steps

MNG