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RQ, you posting on this thread is distracting to KISS, and it is precisely due to defending the WS that BSs are encouraged NOT to post on their WS's thread.

KISS, I wish that my family stood up for me the way that your BW's family is sticking up for her. They SHOULD be angry with you. You HURT their daughter/sister/mother/friend. That was something that THEY had to see the effects of while you ran off.

Also, ITA with HPB and ML. You haven't been treated as poorly as you think. You are feeling the CONSEQUENCES of your actions. If you don't deal with them, and choose to run, I would advise your BW not to attempt recovery with her because you would be dangerous to her. You need to deal with the consequences and make yourself into a better person. The only way you can do that is work at it.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I don't believe you're yet serious about recovery.

I would be DELIGHTED if you proved me wrong.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Kiss,

I still thank my In-Laws, and extended family and friends, for being my wife's life support system, while I was putting one knife after another in her back during my A....

Without them, she may not have survived the extent of damage I created.

There were a lot of bad feelings between my sister's (MovingForward) WH and our family after his A. We are a very close family and we became very involved in making sure she was protected and in calling him (WH) out on his bad behavior.

His coming to us hat in hand and doing what HPB did (apologizing to us and thanking us for supporting MF) went a long way in healing and making things right.

I can only imagine if his attitude had been like yours that the situation would have kept escalating...as it has done in your case.

This makes me very sad for RQ and your family. frown


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted by kiss
.... I am commiting to checking in at least once a day!!


Is this the way you demonstrate your committments after just five short weeks?

Will you treat your marriage the same way?






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by kiss
......The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. ...


Kiss, I thought I would re-visit this post.

When I examine your wifes "sig line";

Quote
10/25 trouble in the air
11/8 WH wanted separation
11/15 Found out about OP (EA?)

Your wife sensed an emotional affair had already begun, "because it had".

And your re-writing of the Thanksgiving Day history is such typical wayward crapola that it almost makes me laugh to read it again.

Do you see the dishonesty in this post of yours?

I know it's tough to admit it, but you really set up the whole Thanksgiving Day drama to excuse yourself from going anywhere. My bet is you were in contact with OW that day. It's pretty typical wayward behavior...... and so is the re-write!

Do you see this??

I did the same things, you're not unique my friend! It's all stuff right outa the wayward handbook...

Last edited by HerPapaBear; 05/14/12 07:59 PM.




Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by kiss
.... I truely love my wife and im willing to do what ever it takes to win her back.

Your wife's list of requirement included;

Demonstrating remorse (Godly remorse, not I'm sorry I got caught remorse)

Posting on this forum

Apologies to those you've harmed (immediate and extended families)


The current score ------- 0 for 3 (thats a strike out)






Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by kiss
I am willing to do anything to make her feel secure and I want to build her trust back in me.


What ways can you accomplish this "build her trust back in me", because dissin' her family ain't a good start.


Feelings of security will come from loving actions as well as respect for others.

Read Matt 5:46-47 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?


And

Matt 23:23-27 �Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices�mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law�justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

�Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

�Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.



This kinda sums up both you and me (me during my first recovery)..... Do you see yourself in any of these verses? And we wanted others to trust us?? jeesh, theyd've been crazy to trust such a viper... ya know!






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Originally Posted by kiss
I am truely in love with my wife and willing to do what ever it takes.


Specifically,

What

Does

This

Quote

Mean

To

You

???????





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Originally Posted by kiss
My heart is in this 100 percent what ever it takes. I love my wife more then life its self. I will do anything she needs. I do not want our marriage to go back to the way it was. I want us to have the best marriage ever. I want us to be best friends.
I am very sorry for what I have done. I am ashamed by what I have done and all the pain that I have caused. I am constantly trying to make her feel secure and answer all of her questions when she has them.
I have changed. I have surrendered my self to my wife. I am commited to our wedding vows and willing to do what ever it takes.I'm willing to fight for my marriage and put 110 percent into everyday, every moment. My wife and kids come first not my career. I would change my job if my wife wanted me to. If she thought all the hours and weekends are to much. I would do anything.
I want her to call me out when im wrong or when she has even the smallest issue with anything I say or do.


Was this for real?

Did you have a sincere moment out of the fog and then disappear back into the abyss again a short week or so later?


Look, I disappeared back into the abyss after a few weeks of recovery and it took months before I returned.... But the damages were far greater than I ever imagined possible....

It doesn't have to be that way!

You don't have to travel the path I traveled.

But

If you want to avoid that destruction,

You must truly surrender all (to God). In doing so, you'll become sweetly broken instead of resentful and angry.







Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by kiss
I have not read any of Dr. Harley's books.

Has this changed yet??





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Kiss,

Have you asked your wife to detail her days when you were out of the house?

Details about the kids days, and nights?


My kids all suffered greatly for my infidelity, just as yours did..... Have you asked for all the details?

My 13 yr old daughter cried herself to sleep every night.
My 9 yr old son banged his head on the walls to the point of bruising.
My 7 yr old son laid in my closet (that was empty) and cried saying he just wanted to be close to his daddy.

Even my mother-in-law cried for and with my wife daily while I was wayward.

Have you asked for the details of what happened because of your horrid actions of adultery....












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How many other peoples threads have you read on the forums??

Can you relate with any of them??

Did you see yourself in any of their stories? Or have you only been focused on you.


The turing point for many of us begins when we have compassion for the pain of others instead of only seeing our own pain. Would you agree?





Recovery began 10/07;

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If you aren't going to return and post;

1) Get your tail in the same home as your wife, no more excuses. This most of all shows a lack of commitment and regard toward your marriage.

2) Read Surviving an Affair.

3) Continue your coaching with Steve Harley.


Whatever your forum experience has been, don't judge MB based on it. In fact, if you've coached with Steve... you know better already.

Continue the coaching, read the book, MOVE HOME.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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PS: Home is where your wife and children live.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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sorry for not posting in a while. My wife has made it clear that this is important to her so I am going to make the effort to keep posting not only for her but i know that it is beneficial for me. I have been so crazy at work and baseball with both kids it seems that it is non stop.
It seems like we spend two or three days together then we don't see each other for a day or two. That time apart seems forever and seems to set us back. I constantly think of my wife and miss her miserably. It also seems to set her back and just seems to add to this slow painful process of recovery. We need to start scheduling time together and family time with the kids better.
I have moved in with my wife and kids. It has been great to really help with the kids and be able to hold my wife at night. I am really mad at my self for not thinking and getting involved in an affair. What I could have lost is invaluable.
I have listened to the audio for his needs her needs and I realize now that I wasn't as great the best husband and need to focus on meeting all of my wife's EN's.

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What POJA efforts are you making?

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Quote
What I could have lost is invaluable.

What you could still lose. Don't get comfy in your efforts. Comfy leads very quickly to lazy. You can do this if you work at it. You can also still lose everything if you don't work at it.

Posting here again is an excellent first step. Welcome back!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by kiss
We need to start scheduling time together and family time with the kids better.

Okay, when are you going to start scheduling?

Quote
I am really mad at my self for not thinking and getting involved in an affair.

Your anger is counter productive.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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we really haven't had any situations that have needed any.

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Try POJA while grocery shopping if there are no other low-emotion choices to be made. Dr. Harley said that it can be a good way of practicing, for most couples, anyway. (Occasionally you may have someone who just feels too strongly about their produce to make it work. Hopefully you and RQ would manage not to brawl over rutabagas. grin )


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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