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#2627301 05/19/12 08:21 AM
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Hello,
I find myself in a very stuck situation.
My FWH wants to invite my daughter's homosexual partner to our home. He wants me to accept her even though he knows that I find it very hurtful and I am already depressed about his past infidelity and various other problems.
An hour ago he said "I have invited them sometimes this weekend, ok". I find there is nothing I can say, saying I don't want to see this girl will lead to an argument. The only thing I can do is go somewhere else but that might lead to an argument too. And I am spent, I have no strength left in me.
To make things clear our daughter comes home to visit once a week (we also phone each other several times a week) but without her partner, that's not good enough for my husband who says it is unfair for our daughter not to be able to bring her partner.

Last edited by lorraine555; 05/19/12 08:23 AM.
lorraine555 #2627304 05/19/12 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
Hello,
I find myself in a very stuck situation.
My FWH wants to invite my daughter's homosexual partner to our home. He wants me to accept her even though he knows that I find it very hurtful and I am already depressed about his past infidelity and various other problems.
An hour ago he said "I have invited them sometimes this weekend, ok". I find there is nothing I can say, saying I don't want to see this girl will lead to an argument. The only thing I can do is go somewhere else but that might lead to an argument too. And I am spent, I have no strength left in me.
To make things clear our daughter comes home to visit once a week (we also phone each other several times a week) but without her partner, that's not good enough for my husband who says it is unfair for our daughter not to be able to bring her partner.

Why didn't you POJA this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2627305 05/19/12 08:26 AM
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What does it mean, please?

lorraine555 #2627308 05/19/12 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
What does it mean, please?

The policy of joint agreement. Never do anything without each others enthusiastic agreement.

Here The Policy of Joint Agreement


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2627309 05/19/12 08:31 AM
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It also sounds like you haven't recovered from his affair, correct?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2627310 05/19/12 08:32 AM
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What is hurtful about your daughter's partner? Is she mean to you ? Has she hurt you in some manner?


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
lorraine555 #2627311 05/19/12 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
An hour ago he said "I have invited them sometimes this weekend, ok".

He asked you if it's ok. It's very important for you to say "no." Did you?


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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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markos #2627317 05/19/12 08:37 AM
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I really and truly hope on this board that it isn't going to support being prejudiced about sexual orientation. frown


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
BrainHurts #2627320 05/19/12 08:41 AM
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I see.
He says that not being able to receive our daughter in our home with her partner hurts him so he finally decided to do it without asking me. And I avoid meeting them together at all costs because I absolutely can't bear more grief, I find very difficult to go on as it is. I have told him.
He has also arranged a little holiday for the three of them, cycling in Finland (our son lives in Finland at the moment). He announced it to me when everything was organised and he added "Do you want to come with us?" I said no.
So POJA, I can't imagine it.

RidicSit #2627323 05/19/12 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
I really and truly hope on this board that it isn't going to support being prejudiced about sexual orientation. frown
I don't believe anyone's gone in that direction except you, Ridic smile

The sexual orientation of this person isn't the issue here. The issue is that the poster and her husband are not using the POJA to arrive at solutions that are agreeable to both of them.

Your question to the poster is a good one: Why doesn't she want the woman in her house? Does she not trust her for some reason? Is the woman mean in some way? Her thoughts regarding this may make her husband understand her reluctance to have the woman in her home.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2627327 05/19/12 08:45 AM
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I hope that is the case. My life experience has taught me otherwise, so I will be thrilled and happy to be proven wrong about the OP.

I look forward to her explaining why the partner bothers her. I will be so happy to be wrong.



Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
maritalbliss #2627330 05/19/12 08:47 AM
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Lorraine555 in your original post you said you said "He wants me to accept her even though he knows I find "it" very hurtful.". Can you please clarify what is the "it" that is hurtful?

maritalbliss #2627331 05/19/12 08:47 AM
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also? marital bliss? I don't enjoy the snarky smiley. my genuine concern over the situation did not warrant that.



Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
RidicSit #2627333 05/19/12 08:48 AM
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Kerala- that is what jumped out at me, too.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
lorraine555 #2627334 05/19/12 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
An hour ago he said "I have invited them sometimes this weekend, ok". I find there is nothing I can say, saying I don't want to see this girl will lead to an argument. The only thing I can do is go somewhere else but that might lead to an argument too. And I am spent, I have no strength left in me.

Lorraine, it doesn't sound like your marriage has recovered, however, it is up to you to be honest with your husband and tell him your feelings about having this woman in your home. You have every right to have a say over who comes in your home, and need to honestly tell your husband you don't want her there. Honesty is the first step.

Afterwards, I would take the steps to really recover your marriage because it is clear your marriage has not recovered.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


maritalbliss #2627335 05/19/12 08:51 AM
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So your husband is making an effort to bind your family together, and include your daughter's partner- and it causes you too much grief to bear?

Can you elaborate on why? It's difficult to see where POJA factors in without knowing the motivation on both sides.

What would your husband tell us about this situation?


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
lorraine555 #2627338 05/19/12 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
To make things clear our daughter comes home to visit once a week (we also phone each other several times a week) but without her partner, that's not good enough for my husband who says it is unfair for our daughter not to be able to bring her partner.

Lorraine, it is very thoughtless of your husband to foist a relationship on you of which you don't approve. He needs to put his marriage first. But that begins with honesty from you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


RidicSit #2627339 05/19/12 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
So your husband is making an effort to bind your family together, and include your daughter's partner- and it causes you too much grief to bear?

Apparently she does not approve, which is her right. He is not considering her feelings about this relationship.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


RidicSit #2627342 05/19/12 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
also? marital bliss? I don't enjoy the snarky smiley. my genuine concern over the situation did not warrant that.
I wasn't being snarky, Ridic. My snarky icon is this: cool

I was trying to lighten up what would come across as being chastising. smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

lorraine555 #2627343 05/19/12 08:57 AM
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Markos: There was no question mark and I did not say no because it would have lead to an argument and I can't take any more.

RidicSit: Sexual orientation is NOT the subject here. As a parent you may well feel grief when you find this out all the same. On top of that at one point our daughter wanted help because she did not want to lead a homosexual life and I eventually found a lot of info on this, the possibility of therapy and so on.

Brainhurts: There was a 3 and a half year long affair when my husband was at times depressed and at times unpleasant. I found out when it was finished and he did his best for a while but now all that is finished.

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