I found this site the on D-DAY. I keep coming back to it. So here's my story:

Last Saturday I called my husband. The phone turned on by no "hello". He owns his on Business. So I thought he was w/a client. I kept listening, and realized this was NOT a client. I rushed to his office, only to get there, minutes after she left. But he picked up the phone while I was en route. And of course denied it and hung up. We fought, he said many hurtful things. I'm not the perfect wife, etc. He will not live with me looking over shoulder, etc.

I left and returned, I asked for details. Got details. He said, it was over, it (oral sex) had happened twice. 1st time 8 mos ago, outside a club in his car, but they had sent texts. Of course he deleted everything from the phone. He went to stay with his parents. I briefly explained to the children.

2 days later I wanted to see him. He came by and we had sex, crying,crazy, but we did it. All initiated by me. Over the last week, the sex has continued, and he has been ultra supportive.

We went out as a family, and for the first time I was in the car, all the feelings I thought had disappeared, reappeared. I have sooo many questions, was it all that he claims? Were there others??? Just question after question.
We have been trying to find a counselor, but not hard enough. Today, makes 1 week, and I need to move forward, to start to talk through this, to get counseling immediately.
This hurt is choking me...I literally struggle breathing when this comes up.

HELP!!!!!
MsXS

Who is the woman? Is she married? Does she work with him?

Are you married? How long married? Is this his first affair?


Why not? Apparently you should be looking over his shoulder.

Welcome to MB MsXS, I am sorry for the pain that has brought your here but you have found the best place for advice, encouragement.

I am relatively new, but others more "senior" and the vets will be along to help answer your questions. Please listen to their advice at times it may seem counterintuitive but they have "been there" and have helped many over the years.

The reference to the 8mths seems to indicate your husband has been having an affair, but the vets will be able to verify this as the communicate further with you.

Weekends can be slow, but plese be patient the vets will help. In the meantime there is a thread for Newly Betrayed Spouses, this is helpful whilst you wait for advice.I will bump it up for you.

I see MelodyLane is already on board, you are in good hands.

In the forum Announcement/Important Information, go to Notble Posts. There are many useful threads.

I need to look into how to add a link to my post, this would make it easier to find.

I'm sorry, after I posted, I realized I left some things out.
We have been married 12 year (13 in July), we have been together like 16.

This is the first affair that I know of. As for the OW she was a waitress at the bar/club.

After, the first day, he apologized for many of the things said during the DDAY. He said he was scared, and wanted to protect himself. He has since, says he knows this could take a lifetime, but is willing. He also says he will stop clubbing/partying etc.

My heart just beats fast, as I go over things, replay things, wonder if this was it. I think I want a polygraph. I know its a lot, but I need to know this was what he says it was/is.

***SIGH****
This absolutely, sucks, I feel like a spectator of my own life.

Thank you both for reaching out on a Saturday.

MRsXS, that is a good idea to ask him to take a polygraph. It sounds like he has been conducting a secret second life. I would also get all the information about the OW. Her full name, where she works, everything. You need to find out as much as possible about her and go meet with her. Find out if she is married and if so, expose the affair to her husband. Everyone should know about his affair, your family, friends, children. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable and give you support.

She's not married, I listened to the 2 of them talk during the time on the phone, she's 29 and works at a club. ARGHHHH!!!!

How in the world do I/we tell the kids???

It is a normal reaction to replay and question etc. One thing to understand waywards re write our history in an attempt to justify their behaviour. They also dengirate/demonise the betrayed spouse to find excuses for their actions. Try not to self doubt your memories are real. Your husband is responsible for his decision to have an affair, it is not your fault, it is his inability to maintain appropriate boundaries that led to the affair.

As you read other threads you will see that although the details may differ all waywards seem to follow a script, they all turn into aliens. Reading the other threads can be helpful as you follow people on their journey and see how we all grow stronger, in time we heal and hopefully recover our marriages. You will see you are not alone. MB is a great place, the principles will help your personal recovery and are the best chance for marital recovery. Another great benefit is you are in contact with people who have walked in your shoes, they get it, they can relate to how you are feeling and offer invaluable insight.

Hang in there and stay strong

MsXS, There is a radio clip where Dr. Harley advises how to tell children of the affair. I'm sure it was posted on my thread. I have and will continue to look for it for you. Failing that you can go to the MB radio archives and look for it.

In the articles section of this website is a useful article about the Lesson Children Learn from Infidelity.

hello mrsxs. i'm sorry you're here, but you are in the right place! weekends can be a little slow sometimes, but you're on the right board (most active, too).

your job right now is twofold. plan a and investigate. both of these are hard, and going to get harder, but your M is worth it, right?

i will try to find the plan a link and post it here for you. pop over to the investigation board and see what you can do. you will learn a lot of new skills!

be strong.

have bumped the carrot and stick of plan a up to the top of this board. have a good read, and post your questions here.

you are going to want to believe everything your H (husband) tells you. this is normal, but not wise. ML is a great, respected resource here. whatever she tells you to do, no matter how you feel about it, is the correct advice.

our culture normalises affair behaviour and forces BSs to hide the truth. this is the worst way to recover a M. stay strong, get reading, and post all your questions here.

do NOT tell your spouse about this board. these resources are for you. he can come on later when he is ready for recovery.

(((mrsxs)))

Read this and it will tell you how to tell the kids.
Exposure 101

You need to find out all the information on this OW. Her name and then investigate on her. Find out her family and friends. Find her facebook.

I can't find the link to the radio clip, I may have found it either in the archive or as a link in someone else's thread.

What to tell your children really depends on their age so long as it is age appropriate it is fine.

My youngest is 6yrs what I told him was based on Dr Harley's radio advice (archive)- dad became best friend with OW, mum should have been his best friend. Dad loves you very much. He doesn't want to live with mum he wants to live with his new best friend. You did not do anything wrong it is not your fault. Sometimes adults do not always make good decisions.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Harley's post on a thread:

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

This is an except from the Exposure 101 thread:

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

Hope this helps.

Here's a radio clip of Dr. Harley telling to children even as young as four.
Radio clip of telling children even as young as 4

Thanks BH, that what I was looking for. I should have asked you. You are the "Queen of links"

Hugs to Brainhurts, Letty and happy!!! You guys are awesome!

You're welcome my friend.

My way to pay it forward.

Thanks. We've learned from the best.

Ditto what else could I add. Its good to be able to pay it forward, healing too.

You're in Plan A for now so read this.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Also this will help with the polygraph.
Polygraph Testing