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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by HopeforChange
I agree, it does. She has kids, too. My kids will go there this summer to their house with her 2 kids plus her ex-stepson that she has part of the year, and be squished into their craziness. She has her kids alternating daycare with super scheduled when they aren't with their dad 50% timeshare. My kids have never met her or her children (thank goodness so far!) and will be forced into a new "family" and I have no clue how to prepare them for that because he hasn't told them he is living with her.
I know this sucks and since you have no choice but to let them go.

Are you in Plan B with your ex? How do the kids feel about going?

My plan B has been very ineffective. I've had to interact with him nonstop despite my own desires. My lawyer has been very bad as an IM because I need things done and he drags his feet on everything and his lawyer never responds. Both his lawyer and he lie to the court, ignore discovery requests, and respond with fog rather than answers. The court forced us into mediation despite domestic violence background as well and 2 previous protective orders. Then we were admonished to "work together like adults" which ended up with me working and him being a foggy liar and manipulative controlling person more. Now I'm in a different state than he is and he texts me 20 times a day to either bug me about our kids, calls our kids and harasses them about what they're doing and the fact they don't always want to talk to him and be berated by him, or texts me to rattle off his fog about how I'm the reason for the divorce (despite the fact he left me for another woman and filed for divorce himself). Court interactions has forced me to not be in the dark repeatedly (during the first protective order, they directed that I had to supervise visitation in my home 6 days a week up to 6 hours at a time because I couldn't pay for an outside private service at $15 an hour. Now he still has all the finances but isn't paying the bills, keeps changing addresses on all my bills to his then I don't get statements, among all the custody interactions. I don't know how to make plan B work with all the nonsense that the court keeps handing me because they keep believing HIS lies despite me having the evidence of them being lies.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Originally Posted by HopeforChange
My plan B has been very ineffective. I've had to interact with him nonstop despite my own desires. My lawyer has been very bad as an IM because I need things done and he drags his feet on everything and his lawyer never responds. Both his lawyer and he lie to the court, ignore discovery requests, and respond with fog rather than answers. The court forced us into mediation despite domestic violence background as well and 2 previous protective orders. Then we were admonished to "work together like adults" which ended up with me working and him being a foggy liar and manipulative controlling person more. Now I'm in a different state than he is and he texts me 20 times a day to either bug me about our kids, calls our kids and harasses them about what they're doing and the fact they don't always want to talk to him and be berated by him, or texts me to rattle off his fog about how I'm the reason for the divorce (despite the fact he left me for another woman and filed for divorce himself). Court interactions has forced me to not be in the dark repeatedly (during the first protective order, they directed that I had to supervise visitation in my home 6 days a week up to 6 hours at a time because I couldn't pay for an outside private service at $15 an hour. Now he still has all the finances but isn't paying the bills, keeps changing addresses on all my bills to his then I don't get statements, among all the custody interactions. I don't know how to make plan B work with all the nonsense that the court keeps handing me because they keep believing HIS lies despite me having the evidence of them being lies.

So you can't use an IM for all his drivel of texts and emails and such? This would at least cut down all the craziness/drama he sends.

Also what are you doing to prepare your children for their visits? Since they have to go I would try and prepare them.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't know how to prepare them. How do I do that? My kids have never been away from me their entire lives! They've never gone more than a day without seeing me ever. And that is when I was in the hospital pregnant with my youngest on bedrest and my mom brought them to see me every day.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Originally Posted by HopeforChange
I don't know how to prepare them. How do I do that? My kids have never been away from me their entire lives! They've never gone more than a day without seeing me ever. And that is when I was in the hospital pregnant with my youngest on bedrest and my mom brought them to see me every day.
That is a tough one. How will they be going? Flying? Driving?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hopeforchange:
I cannot even imagine what you are going through! I think that unknown would drive me crazy. And you are doing all this while you are being a mom to a large family , a large , young family! My heart goes out to you.
I have 4 kids , but they are a bit older than yours (now 24, 22, 17 ,16).
My H had a PA with a much younger woman (a want to be bikini model from Poland with immigration issues), it had started 4 years ago and went off and on for about 3to 3 1/2. It was very difficult for my kids, especially the younger ones. Dad just checked out, missed events he never would have if he was not in that affair) We were also separated off and on during that time....I was even served divorce papers. Very , very long story short...we have reconciled. I am sure one of the reasons is that he (H) finally saw her for what she was , she wanted him for money and security, and a way to get and stay in this country. Because my husband was in the insane fog of the affair he did not have our business as a priority , we also had the expenses of 2 different household (seperated), but the kicker was he was giving her so much money , he was paying someone to get her in to the country illegally , he developed a gambling addiction (they would travel to casinos together) which then caused him to owe casinos tens of thousands of dollars , paid her expenses (apartment in NYC) and paid for her travel (we live in another state) on and on and on.....She would send me awful emails , she had very shady people follow me and even had my life threatened (by the man that was trying to get her into this country , paid for by my H...there is a police report , this was the beginning of the end for my H and his mistress because my H happened to be home when it happened)....well, then we lost everything and guess whose relationship fizzled.....So , I know the frustration of all the money spent towards affair .Right now I am working hard on forgiveness in the arena of our finances and it is difficult to let go of the anger I feel towards my husband about our finances (this is bizarre but I have had an easier time forgiving him of the lovely STD I have and will have for the rest of my life)... Our home is in foreclosure , we may have to declare bankruptcy. It is such a mess. I have gotten 2 part-time jobs because I do not have any skills that the workforce wants (I was a stay at home mom for 24 years that helped her husband's business and raised 4 sons while he traipsed around the world with pretty young thing).... Like I said , my kids are older and they were able to express to their dad that they would spend time with him but would never accept that woman in their lives ( I never encouraged them to say that)....that got my H to really think. He never did have them meet, and he said he never would.
I have no idea what I would do in your situation , but I think there may not be a whole lot you can do....hopefully someone can give you the advice as to how to prepare the kids...then I would pray, pray , pray.
Just know that I am thinking of you....and yes somehow, some way things will get better...have hope...have hope <3

~~ S

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by HopeforChange
I don't know how to prepare them. How do I do that? My kids have never been away from me their entire lives! They've never gone more than a day without seeing me ever. And that is when I was in the hospital pregnant with my youngest on bedrest and my mom brought them to see me every day.
That is a tough one. How will they be going? Flying? Driving?
I don't even know. Likely driving.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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I'm so sorry for what you're being put through, it's nuts. The kids are the main concern and since they have to go, I would prepare them for being away from you by being away short periods of time, maybe sleepovers with a trust adult (aunt? friends?). I don't know how old your kids are, but if they have a stuffed animal they sleep with, make sure they take it with them and check to make sure it comes back with them. Sometimes you have to wonder about our system!

As for the taxes, you can file exempt as injured party, you'll have to search to find out the form number. That way anything owing he'll get stuck with eventually. The courts should determine who gets to claim the kids what years.

I'd also go to health and human services for aid with supporting the children and let them garnish his future wages for the back support to reimburse them, so you don't have to deal with it.


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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
I'm so sorry for what you're being put through, it's nuts. The kids are the main concern and since they have to go, I would prepare them for being away from you by being away short periods of time, maybe sleepovers with a trust adult (aunt? friends?). I don't know how old your kids are, but if they have a stuffed animal they sleep with, make sure they take it with them and check to make sure it comes back with them. Sometimes you have to wonder about our system!

As for the taxes, you can file exempt as injured party, you'll have to search to find out the form number. That way anything owing he'll get stuck with eventually. The courts should determine who gets to claim the kids what years.

I'd also go to health and human services for aid with supporting the children and let them garnish his future wages for the back support to reimburse them, so you don't have to deal with it.

Excellent advice. Also, can you drive with them so they can get prepared to be with him? Is there anyway he will lessen the time? I know he has a right to his 6 weeks and it's tough on the kids. Remind me again your kids' ages?

Do you really think he will go through with it or back out because it's a long time to have her kids and his??


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Your story broke my heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I think BH is right. Your WH might not even be able to handle the kids for the whole time.

Maybe you could get Skype on the computer and teach the kids how to use it? That way you could have some "face time" with them.


BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
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Hello,
Here are some more thoughts to consider: perhaps you can buy your eldest child a cell phone (don't know how old he/she is) and teach them how to use it so you can contact them and vice versa if they need to get a hold of you...IPhones are nice because you can also see their face on the screen. You could also consider going there on the weekends and stay at a nearby hotel and drive by the home to check and see the neighborhood. I would want to make myself available to the kids because of the duration of the visit. Check and make sure you'd be in compliance with the court if you did the latter. Keep us posted...


Me BW 52
H WH 55
M 26 1/2 years
26 DD
2 1/2 year EA
stbxh and OW living together for over a year since Feb 2011
Exposed 6-15-09
1 false recovery - really addicted
Sordid affair continues
Working on MY recovery -
Filed for divorce 6-2011
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Originally Posted by warrioress
Hello,
Here are some more thoughts to consider: perhaps you can buy your eldest child a cell phone (don't know how old he/she is) and teach them how to use it so you can contact them and vice versa if they need to get a hold of you...IPhones are nice because you can also see their face on the screen. You could also consider going there on the weekends and stay at a nearby hotel and drive by the home to check and see the neighborhood. I would want to make myself available to the kids because of the duration of the visit. Check and make sure you'd be in compliance with the court if you did the latter. Keep us posted...

I don't have the right to local visitation with them during his parenting time except for Mother's Day, my birthday, and their birthdays. None of which fall during his 6 weeks this summer. Honestly, I can't afford to go there 7 states away and stay at a hotel. I'm unemployed and stretching the $6,000 in April that the court gave me as far as possible which really will only pay my bills a couple months. I've been looking for a job but it's hard when the divorce is being handled in NM while I'm in OH finally, requiring travel for that and hearings, plus finding childcare that is less cost than I would make with no degree. It's a circular bad situation.

My oldest will be 9 this summer, she has Asperger's so her emotional maturity is more like that of 4 1/2-5 years old. And her dad is not likely to let her keep a cell phone even if I purchase her one of her own.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Originally Posted by estrela
Your story broke my heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I think BH is right. Your WH might not even be able to handle the kids for the whole time.

Maybe you could get Skype on the computer and teach the kids how to use it? That way you could have some "face time" with them.

We have Skype, it's how they contact their dad currently. The question then comes if HE will allow them to use it to remain in contact with me during his parenting time. He took parenting time for 4 days (one of which was my birthday) in March when our youngest was in the hospital. I saw them once during that time, during which he complained and made it as miserable as possible on all of us. He's a very controlling person and abuse was a factor in our marriage that further complicates it all.

I pray in many ways he chooses to not take his parenting time. I will feel horrible for my kids if he doesn't, but the idea of being apart from them kills me. And the idea of them being with WH and OW and her kids this summer makes me sick to my stomach.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Hope, just imagine being a woman with her own kids, trying to have a romantic affair, and being landed with 5 kids under 9, one a baby, a 3 yo, and an 8 yo Aspie who hates change and will act out a treat and scream blue murder most of the time.

Being apart from them you think may kill you (it won't), but having 5 unruly unhappy, very young kids for 6 weeks plus her own to cope with, with a selfish man not helping out, will definitely kill her!!!! They are your H bomb you insert into their relationship. Stop panicking the kids will pick up your mood. Tell them they will have a great time with Daddy and to be sure and ask and nag Daddy and friend also, for everything they ever wanted!!


Me:BS 66
H: WS 67
Stalking by OW commenced Oct 2010
EA: March 2011-May 2011
SA: June 2011-present.
Moved out 7th March 2012
Status: Plan A
DD EA: June 11
DD SA: 31-12-11
M: 7 years: my second (widowed at 43, his 3rd)
My DS: 40 y.o.
My Grandson: 7 y.o.
Don't ever give up
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He won't have the baby actually. I managed to work it in the parenting plan that youngest won't go to WH until youngest is 3 years old because I am breastfeeding and youngest was a preemie with a lot of extra medical needs.

WH actually in his craziness once he realized the court wouldn't hand 100% custody of the kids over to him and just cut me out of his life completely, tried to argue with the court then tried to convince me to ONLY give him the oldest child not the others. frown Said he likes her best and gets along with her better. He's just so screwed up in this parenting thing let alone the marriage.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Originally Posted by HopeforChange
He won't have the baby actually. I managed to work it in the parenting plan that youngest won't go to WH until youngest is 3 years old because I am breastfeeding and youngest was a preemie with a lot of extra medical needs.

WH actually in his craziness once he realized the court wouldn't hand 100% custody of the kids over to him and just cut me out of his life completely, tried to argue with the court then tried to convince me to ONLY give him the oldest child not the others. frown Said he likes her best and gets along with her better. He's just so screwed up in this parenting thing let alone the marriage.

How sad for the kids.

Has he even made arrangements yet? The time should be close with summer here, correct?

Those are going to be expensive tickets. Does he have to pay both ways?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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His parenting time starts as soon as July 5th and goes through until 5 days prior to school starting in August. He hasn't made any arrangements yet to my knowledge for their travel. New Mexico is an income shares state and since I am the one who relocated, I was told that it would decrease child support (despite it's already measly amount) to account for the cost of transporting the kids to him for his time sharing.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
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Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. What a crappy day.


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
Joined: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by HopeforChange
Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. What a crappy day.

So sorry for this. hug

You need to start making new memories. So what can you do tomoorow that will be fun? With family or friends?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm going to have lunch with my brother and his family tomorrow with my kids. I don't think they realize tomorrow is my anniversary, I was talking to my mom tonight and she won't even acknowledge it. I wish someone in my family could be emotionally available to support me through this, I've been doing it all alone and it is so hard. My grandma stayed with me for a while after he filed for divorce and most of what I heard from her was how if I'd been a better wife... frown


I am BW to WH of 9 years, 11 together
5 kids- 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old
OW is in another state, WH moved to be with her and her 3 kids
D-day of EA/PA Jan 11, Fully Disclosed July 2011
Plan B September 11 against my will when WH filed Divorce
OW dumped WH in May, WH wants divorce final but to work on things
Divorce Settlement Facilitation Completed, divorce final second week of July
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
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Can you tell them? Then say I just need your support today by xyz, but I will do my best to stay upbeat.

I'm sure your family wouldn't want you to suffer. What about gurlfriends IRL?

How is your support system with all your kids? Are you a SAHM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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