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#2628237 05/22/12 02:36 AM
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Here's my story. I'll try to be detailed, but it's 3:24 am here, and I'm exhausted from the peak of this situation. I owe my wife the respect of confessing this, and I can think of no better place than here.

I've been married for almost 7 years, have three children (1, 3, 7) and have been unfaithful to my wife for all of our years of marriage.

The first one was an emotional affair that lead nowhere. I wanted it to, but it didn't go there. She found out about it, I lied my face off, and she let it go (to some extent).

The subsequent affairs were the same. People fulfilling the emotional needs that my wife wasn't meeting due to my lack of communication. She was as guilty as I was in the deterioration of our relationship, but I was the one killing it by seeking outside aid. All of these affairs could have turned physical, but my nerved wouldn't let them.

The last affair, and the one I was officially busted on, I explained was an emotional affair. I told my wife that it was just that, but I was lying. It was a physical affair with someone that I worked with. We consummated our relationship twice, and shared a mutual feeling of love and adoration for each other.

We met at work, where she initially flirted with me. This is not usual for me, as I'm a highly flirtatious person, and very aggressive at it. She caught me off guard, and I was intrigued, if not a little scared. We continued talking, mostly about comic books and geek stuff, the friendship evolved into sharing intimate details about each other's lives, and further down the road into overtly sexual topics.

She was intrigued, and so was I. We arranged a meeting place (her apartment) on the premise that she thought I'd never go through with it, I met her there, and we wound up in bed.

The second time was identical, minus the lack of faith in my showing up.

The affair lasted from early March of this year, to the beginning of May.

I was called out about 2 and a half weeks ago with a text message from my wife linking to several articles from MB detailing how to survive an affair. Every single thing that the Dr. wrote described me to a T. I was caught and feeling guiltier than ever, but still unwilling to confess.

Later that day, and after reading several more articles, I went outside under the guise of calling a friend to talk, and instead called my affair partner. I broke it off with her and told her that we would no longer be seeing each other. We both cried heavily.

I also contacted my doctor and requested that he put me on an extended medical leave (a leave that I had been on due to depression), set up an appointment, and went. My leave was extended.

I confided in my wife that I was having an emotional affair with someone at work, and that I had broken it off with her. I cried as I told my wife that the reason I was with the other woman was because she made me feel like I deserved to be loved, and that she (my wife) wasn't doing that for me.

We talked about it and decided to research MB in full. Over the next few days, I printed off several questionnaires, we filled them out, and we began to understand each other better.

In the past few days, as my wife started experiencing PMS, we hit a bad patch. I started thinking about the other woman again, feeling guilt for hurting her, and I started being cold and short with my wife. I felt guilt for betraying her, but couldn't fathom the idea of telling her that and facing her.

Throughout all of this, my wife insisted that I still wasn't telling her everything.

Tonight, as I wrote a two page list of EPs, we spoke at length about how we were feeling. She expressed dissatisfaction, and I got angry. We argued, and she walked away with the impression that I "just didn't want to do this". She was right.

I folded laundry and took a shower while I mulled over my options. I could swallow this and keep going, but the relationship would suffer. I could walk out, but the children would suffer. Or I could fess up and face the music.

I sat down and told my wife that I couldn't do this anymore because I didn't want to. I them told her that I had slept with the other woman.

We have been arguing every since, and I told her at about 12am today. We are arguing because I cannot seem to show emotion, although I feel absolutely terrible. I too, am in shock. I never thought I would tell her.

We spoke about taking a polygraph, which I am vehemently against, but have agreed to do so voluntarily. I do not know if this will help or hinder our relationship, and the lack of control that I would be able to have over the situation terrifies me. It would help her with her peace of mind, and that is why I have agreed.

I do not trust my wife, and she does not trust me. We have three children together, and they don't suspect a thing. I do not want this relationship to end, but I don't know what to do. I will follow the advice put forth by MB until I see the result I want. The result WE want.

We have completed the EN worksheets, have discussed the LB worksheets, have completed the personal history worksheets, have purchased and started reading His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; and the Love Busters Workbooks. I plan on devouring all three and proving to my wife that I am here 100%.

I intend to stick to my EPs to the letter, and also show my wife that she is the only one for me. I want to be a better man, and a better husband.

I have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts, and this event has taken me to a very dark place. I am determined to prevail, as I know that she is the person I want to be with forever.

I have a doctor appointment on Thursday where I will disclose this information to my doctor and request all tests that could give results about STIs, STDs, and any other sexually transmitted anything that one could possibly test for. I have faith in the fact that we are both clean, but I want my wife to have that peace of mind as well.

I have suggested that we give this 6 months and if, at the end, either of us is not happy, we'll reevaluate.

I am writing this on a public forum with full knowledge that she will read it. I intend to give her a link to this post, and to give her my password for this forum, as I have given her all of my passwords, logins, records, and every other form of admittance to my internet, cell phone, and personal life.

She has full access to everything but what's inside my head. I have promised to give her complete and radical honesty, openness and transparency.

I intend to work very hard at this. I intend to succeed.

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I have texted the link to this post to my wife.

Tomorrow I will start to rebuild our relationship as best as I can. I just hope it's not too late.

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I must also admit that every bit of truth revealed has been "trickle truth".

The physical relationship is the ONLY truth that I have offered voluntarily. It was the last thing I was hiding, and this the reason I am willing to follow through with a polygraph.

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Welcome to Marriage Builders. I hope you're serious about recovering your M. There will be vets that will sniff you out if you aren't. You ready to get to real work?

It's actions your BW needs right now. She needs to actually see a changed man.

So you need to expose this, your children, your boss, your family, your wife's family.

Were any of these OW married?

You need to find another job.

You need to schedule the poly and take it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Listen to this radio clip of what Dr. Harley tells a WH he needs to do to save his marriage.
Radio clip at 3:50 mark

Tell me what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you written NC letters and let your BW read and send it?

No Contact Letters

Will your BW come here so we may help her?

Call the coaching center today and set up an appointment.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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therightthing,

I'm sure you have more things to hide and first thing is to voluntarily offer the number, the names, the places, the extent and the whole timeline of your affairs to your wife. The full truth. Honesty includes also historical honesty. Then polygraph. Schedule it and pay for it yourself. There is no place for getting angry, this is not about you, it is making amends to your W and kids. From now on, when your W wants to talk about your secret second life, know details and all, you calmly offer her this information without getting angry or upset in any way. As for her emotions and feelings, you have to be there, because if she chooses to stay married to you at all, it will be difficult times ahead, she needs all the support, because processing all this [censored] is sometimes unbearable.

You have to take full responsibility for your actions and you better lose this entitlement you still have - your W is not responsible for your poor choices at all and never will be. So the deterioration and killing your marriage is on you and only you.

MB is a lifestyle, this is not some 6-months programme. If you are not happy then you are not following the programme, it is as simple. Recovering your marriage from your affairs takes 2-5 years.

I would call the coaching centre - MB Coaching Centre. They will help you.

What exactly have you done so far regarding extraordinary precautions? Could you give us a list?

Welcome to MB.

Last edited by Mrs_Recon6mo; 05/22/12 03:23 AM.

Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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Originally Posted by therightthing
The subsequent affairs were the same. People fulfilling the emotional needs that my wife wasn't meeting due to my lack of communication. She was as guilty as I was in the deterioration of our relationship, but I was the one killing it by seeking outside aid. All of these affairs could have turned physical, but my nerved wouldn't let them.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I wanted to address a couple things that stood out to me. The first is the comment above because it implies that your wife is responsible for your affairs. She is not. The reason you had the affairs is because you have pisspoor boundaries around women and are out actively seeking action. You can't blame your wife for that. If she were meeting your needs perfectly, you would still be having affairs if you have poor boundaries and are out chasing skanks. Nothing your wife does can overcome that.

You have to decide if you want to be a married man or a single man and make a decision to stop abusing your wife. What you have done to her is as traumtic for her as being raped or assaulted. And you have done it over and over again. Do you realize that? You are not a safe person until you affair proof your life.

In order to affair proof your life, you need to radically change the environment that allowed your affairs. For example, if you work with women, that should be changed. Your wife should have full access to your cell phone, bank records, everything; your life should be so transparent that it is impossible to have an affair. All of your leisure time should be spent together.

Additionally, your affairs should be exposed. To the husbands of these women, your families and your friends, your employer, your children. Everyone should know what you have done. The more people that know, the more people to hold you accountable.

Do you still work with any of your OW?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have researched polygraph costs where I live and have chosen one that we could potentially visit.

My no contact letter was sent in the firm of an email that my wife approved and witnessed me sending. I went behind her back and sent another one from a secret email address that my wife subsequently found. This was two and a half weeks ago. I read the email to her out loud.

I am making plans to leave my job. My worry is that, as the sole income earner, I fear I will not be able to find something that keeps us afloat financially. I would like to be able to fix this marriage AND retain out ability to pay bills. Like I said, this is a worry, as finances have always been a major source of argument.

I have taken full responsibility, but still feel cold inside. I would like to hear from men in my position and have discourse with so I can fully understand what this is supposed to feel like.

I readily admit that I'm being distant from this forum because of the pack mentality, and that that is a bad sign. I would like to open up to you all, but I do not feel comfortable. I understand that this is normal.

I have been lying to my wife for almost 10 years. At this point, I don't feel like she will ever have a reason to believe me. That's a terrifying prospect and one that I feel I'm using as a crutch to hold me back from doing what is necessary to save our marriage.

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I don't know what to do. I feel so cold and distant from all of this. My wife explained I me that I'm thinking in a fog or clouding my judgement. Right now, I feel like I don't deserve to be here and that my efforts will be wasted. I'm scared to leave and I'm scared to stay.

I fully admit that I'm looking for someone to tell me what to do, and to tell me that there is an easy way, but I know there isn't one.

I've destroyed my marriage, and I've broken my wife's heart. I don't see anything good coming from this at all.

Is this normal?

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You can only solve a problem when you face it head on. Half measures lead to half results.

Your guardedness and defensiveness only serve to protect you, not your wife, your children or your marriage.

Only you can decide what is more important to you. You or your family and marriage.

Surrendering takes courage. More courage then walking away.


Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr

A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow

Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Originally Posted by therightthing
I owe my wife the respect of confessing this

Hi therightthing. This is a very important step - honesty. It is the lies that hurt the most and what many BS's agonize over the most-how you could look her in the eye and lie. So tell your BW EVERYTHING. She can handle it...it is the lies that she can't handle.

Take the poly. This will go far in your effort to EARN back her trust and respect. I'm curious why you state that you do not trust your BW.

Have you committed to NC for LIFE with the OW?

Have you posted here under another name?

Welcome to MB. You have found a great place to learn how to rebuild the love and respect in your marriage.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by therightthing
I am making plans to leave my job. My worry is that, as the sole income earner, I fear I will not be able to find something that keeps us afloat financially. I would like to be able to fix this marriage AND retain out ability to pay bills. Like I said, this is a worry, as finances have always been a major source of argument.

I agree that it would be a good idea to have another job lined up before you leave. Are there any OW at work?

Quote
I have taken full responsibility, but still feel cold inside. I would like to hear from men in my position and have discourse with so I can fully understand what this is supposed to feel like.

"Taking responsibility" has to be backed up by actions, not empty words. You haven't taken responbility yet. And you don't need to hear from specifically men who have had affairs, you need to hear from those who understand the Marriage Builders program. That is all you need. Examining your feelings is not a solution; following a plan to save your marriage IS.

Quote
I readily admit that I'm being distant from this forum because of the pack mentality, and that that is a bad sign. I would like to open up to you all, but I do not feel comfortable. I understand that this is normal.

Asking people for help and then calling us a "pack mentality" is not going to get you too far. If you want our help, then you might want to show some respect. It is not important that you "open up" but that you listen to US. You don't know how to save a marriage, we do.

Quote
I have been lying to my wife for almost 10 years. At this point, I don't feel like she will ever have a reason to believe me. That's a terrifying prospect and one that I feel I'm using as a crutch to hold me back from doing what is necessary to save our marriage.

Of course she has no reason to believe you. You have to EARN trust. That is what one does when he claims to be "taking responsibility."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by therightthing
I have suggested that we give this 6 months and if, at the end, either of us is not happy, we'll reevaluate.

Change this to: "I will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to save my marriage and keep my family together."


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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So when are you calling the coaching center?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have committed to No Vontact for LIFE with the other woman.

It was just revealed to me that my wife has had contact with her, and she responded as we've been talking for the past hour.

The other woman was a co-worker. My medical leave ends in the beginning of July.

I am sorry for being so defensive and inappropriate with my comments thus far. I do feel at a loss and really do not know what to do. I am researching all of the advice that you have shared. I will respond personally (with quotes) when I have a moment at a computer and not my iPhone. I am responding to you all in front of my wife. She is aware of ALL of my actions.

As for a disclosure letter, my wife has admitted that she does not want a public shaming in front of her family, and agrees that I should tell the truth to my family and the friends I have confided in regarding this. We already have strained relations with her mother.

I will try to respond in more detail later. Thank you for your comments. I really DO appreciate them and your advice. And again, I'm sorry for being judgmental and rude.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when are you calling the coaching center?

My wife and I have come to the agreement that we cannot afford this right now, but I have decided that I will save up for it and may sell some of my belongings in order to afford it.

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Originally Posted by therightthing
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when are you calling the coaching center?

My wife and I have come to the agreement that we cannot afford this right now, but I have decided that I will save up for it and may sell some of my belongings in order to afford it.

That's too bad because a divorce could cost so much more.

Will your BW come on here and post so we may help her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by therightthing
The other woman was a co-worker. My medical leave ends in the beginning of July.

Does she still work there? And are any of the OW married? If they are, Dr Harley suggests that the BS inform the other spouse.

Additionally, any children over the age of 4 should be told what is happening.

You and your wife can recover your marriage using the books and the forum if you are very diligent. I would get these books: Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and the Five Steps to Romantic Love. They sell them cheap here or you can get them used on amazon.com. Another great resource that is free is the radio show.

Will your wife come here and post to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here's the radio clip of Dr. Harley to tell children even as young as four.

The Harley's discuss telling the children even as young as 4 about the affair


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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