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*******************EDIT**************
moderators note: do not disrupt this thread by signing up to lecture posters. That is our job. If you have an issue with other posters, notify the moderators
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 05/22/12 07:37 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive
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TRT
Lyncing is part of the process, in order to bring any moral decent part of you that's left out we need to lynch the wayward foggy part.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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[
Yes, I want help. I don't want to be made into a cuckold by someone who doesn't know me, when clearly my responsibility is solely to my wife. How is shaming me productive to the building of my marriage? It's incongruent, irrational, and morally bankrupt.
I came here for help. Not a lynching. sheeesh, more drama!  If you are acting like a drama queen, folks are going to point that out. How about knocking off the drama and getting serious here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Former this forum uses MB principals. Advice is given following the mb principals not personal views.
The vets CAN judge because they have extensive experience in how to defog Waywards, assess affairs and rebuild marriages.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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****************EDIT************* Uh, FSU, you might want to actually read and absorb the MB concepts before you start posting to these threads in support of a WS and criticizing the methods. Just sayin'
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 05/22/12 07:40 PM. Reason: removing quote
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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[
Yes, I want help. I don't want to be made into a cuckold by someone who doesn't know me, when clearly my responsibility is solely to my wife. How is shaming me productive to the building of my marriage? It's incongruent, irrational, and morally bankrupt.
I came here for help. Not a lynching. sheeesh, more drama! If you are acting like a drama queen, folks are going to point that out. How about knocking off the drama and getting serious here? ITA Thank you for letting me know up front that you aren't serious. I'll check back to see when you are, and until then, I'll help your wife. And FTR, that was NOT a lynching. You committed a SIN, and you LIED about it, FOR YEARS. You are a serial adulterer that doesn't deserve your loving wife. I hope that you wake up and learn what you really need to do to save your marriage.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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*****************EDIT**************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 05/22/12 07:43 PM. Reason: TOS more disruption
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Former, what is your story? Maybe you could start your own thread and we could offer you some help.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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It's occurred to me that I haven't even asked the question I've been wanting to.
I have repeatedly stated that I "don't know what to do", an that is the truth. I feel like she won't believe me in the least when I try to "show" her that I want to be in this.
How can I defeat that, and what could I possibly do to prove that I want to be here? How to I break past the fear of failure, and the obvious fear of success?
I'm a guy who's walked a spell in your shoes. Over on around p.7 of the Recovery boards, you can see a bit of my story in summary.
You want to know the words that will guarantee that your wife will stick it out with you while you try to rebuild your marriage with her?
There aren't any.
Words won't do it. Your word is as good as dust. You ground it into powder by your own actions & deceptions & lies. So actions -- sustained & over time -- are the only things that can, in installments, with time, restore any matter of credibility.
You want to have some measure of assurance & certainty that this'll all work out? After the tsunami of uncertainty you've just spread all over your wife's world, you've gotta admit, that notion is pretty rich, ain't it? I'm sure that if you look at it with a calm eye, you'll see the irony.
Actions are all you've got going for you.
You want to make your marriage better than the one you had before the cheating? It's possible. With actions.
It won't come easy or cheap. Nothing worth holding onto ever does. There are a lot of half-men out there who only want easy & cheap. On your one spin around the earth, are you willing to settle for being one of those?
If not, then: Actions.
Start by geting Surviving An Affair. It's a book that my wife & I would both tell you just may have saved our marriage after my affair; and I don't get a penny for saying so. (Heck, I should be catching up on work now.) Read it cover to cover, with your wife. Around p.70 or so, look at the stuff on "Extraordinary Precautions." List yours. I wanna see your list here, in 48 hours. (That's not merely a rhetorical comment. I wanna see your list. As does your wife, I'm sure.)
-- If OW is a work acquaintance, lose the job & get another.
-- If you talked or texted by cellphone, you change the number tomorrow at opening of business. Not just block her. Change your number altogether. Give your wife any passwords to the device.
-- If you e-mailed any of the OWs, you change your e-mail address. First thing in the morning. And give your wife your passwords.
-- If you haven't verifiably sent no-contact letters that your wife has seen & approved according to the MarriageBuilders format, then do it.
And more.
-- If your wife wants you to take a polygraph to get at the whole truth, you agree to it. Not reluctantly, but with a gracious smile on your face. Ask your wife to make the appointment(s) and you be there.
-- If she wants you to get tested for STDs, you offer to get tested twice.
-- If she wants you to do all the laundry, you get up early & do it.
-- If she wants to rant & scream at you & pound on your chest & ask "Why?", you sit there & you take it with meekness & humility.
-- If she wants to go out for dinner, you take her. If she wants love, you give it to her.
-- If she asks questions, you answer truthfully, fully & with no purpose of evasion.
-- If she wants you to shuddup because she can't stand to hear anymore for a spell, you shut up.
-- If she goes into a pit of despair and wants you to stand silently by, or to hold her while she sobs, or to get the hell out of the house for a few hours, you do what she wants.
-- If you don't know what she wants, you ask her.
-- You be there for her.
-- If she wants to learn your emotional needs, you communicate truthfully.
-- If she wants you to do better at meeting her needs, you learn them, and figure out how.
-- You keep at it, day after day & week after week.
-- If she feels depressed because her world's been turned upside down, you remind yourself that you were the cause.
-- If you feel depressed because your world feels turned upside down, you remind yourself that you were the cause.
-- If you want forgiveness, you remind yourself that forgiveness, by definition, can't be deserved or earned -- it can only be given as a gift -- that's the "give" in "forgive." And you nevertheless do your best to try to earn it every day anyway.
-- You don't set deadlines. You relinquish any assumed "right" to set timetables or to call the shots. You allow her to set the pace of recovery. And you can help at the margins by taking all these actions to help her feel emotionally safe with you once again.
-- And you don't quit. Because she didn't count on taking a ring on her finger from a quitter.
You got questions? Ask me. I won't sugarcoat anything for you. That's a promise you can count on.
You're ahead of the game. She hasn't kicked you out. She hasn't sicked a lawyer on you.
You don't deserve that much slack. I didn't either.
Start earning it.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I do not think either of you should push sex until you have both been tested for STD's. I disagree. The two of you need to be intimate quickly, and often. There are ways to do that without compromising your health. Use condoms. Experiment with different types of sex that won't compromise your health until both of you have been given a clean report. But don't stop having SF - this is very important.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Yes, I want help. I don't want to be made into a cuckold by someone who doesn't know me, when clearly my responsibility is solely to my wife. A cuckold is a man whose wife is screwing around with another man. I have no idea what you're saying, here.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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P.S. -- rightthing, let me also suggest something that was suggested to me by the marriage counselor that my wife & I used in the aftermath of my affair.
(And so that you don't misread my tone, which is easy to do on an internet board, please keep in mind that I'm not yellin' at ya; I'm whispering to you here as a friend over a virtual cup of coffee):
I think you really oughtta drop the hyperbolic language, ok?
It doesn't accomplish anything positive for you, and certainly doesn't gain you any sympathy.
"Lynching"? Really? Listen to that. You just put your wife's health at risk without her knowledge, and yet you're using the term "lynching" -- which means an extra-legal murder by hanging at the hands of a mob -- to describe getting called out by some people on an internet forum? (People who are right on-target, by the way, as you may see one day soon when you go back & re-read with a cooler head what people are trying to get across to you.)
The comparison implicit in the term is not remotely applicable. It only embarrasses you. (I say that as a guy who did & said plenty about which I'll be forever embarrassed.)
Take the hyperbolic language out of the equation, especially when speaking with your wife, and also if you could, please, when speaking with the volunteer posters here who are trying to help the two of you. Calmness & humility will get you a long way right now. That's something I learned the hard way. But your wife will appreciate it.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I have suggested that we give this 6 months and if, at the end, either of us is not happy, we'll reevaluate. Six months .... You're making a mistake. How do I know? I have been lying to my wife for almost 10 years It's going to take a minimum of 5 years, due to your lengthy history of dishonesty and "agressive" flirtatious behaviors/habits. At this point, I don't feel like she will ever have a reason to believe me. That's a terrifying prospect and one that I feel I'm using as a crutch to hold me back from doing what is necessary to save our marriage. Do you have any substance abuse issues? You mentioned depression and suicidal ideation. Did you know that you will minimize some of those issues once you develop a pattern of behaviors which show integrity? You won't need skanks to boost your ego. When you use women to define a 'reflected sense of self', you weaken your self esteem. Weakened self esteem can lead to depression, drugs, drinking, suidical thoughts, and other acts of self-loathing. Basically a downward spiral. Want to feel better about yourself? Behave with honor and integrity. If I say "Cut the crap", it causes you to become angry, because you rely on others to define who you are. Instead of lashing out at me, try looking at the issue at hand. Your melodramatic hyperbole are not the garments chosen by a man looking to become a better husband. We, all of us, want you to cut the crap and take it easy on the drama. It's pointless. And, we will ' high five' your progress as easily as we tell you to "Cut the crap". 
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Well Said GloveOil.....  <as I sit enjoying a cup of virtual coffee with both of you, enjoying the wise wispers of G.O.>
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And, we will ' high five' your progress as easily as we tell you to "Cut the crap". Pep is one of the sweetest things since they invented chocolate..... She will be one of your greatest fans when your actions deserve merit..... So be nice!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And, we will ' high five' your progress as easily as we tell you to "Cut the crap". Pep is one of the sweetest things since they invented chocolate..... She will be one of your greatest fans when your actions deserve merit..... So be nice! Tell the truth, PapaBear .... How much did you hate my guts during your false recovery period? LOL I had little affection towards you for a spell ... Now, you're like one of my own kids.  <~~~~~ Pass that kiss on to your wife. Tell her I said "hey".
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TRT, understand that NO ONE here wants you to fail at becoming a FORMER wayward spouse. That would be the best thing for your wife, your family, and more importantly, yourself.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Okay. I'm listening. This feels terrible, but I'm listening.
Go. Because my wife is sitting upstairs almost completely incommunicado and I want to fix this.
Hyperbole done.
Listening begins.
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Well, I gave you a lot to read. As did Pep and others. We gave you some to-do's. Any reactions?
You're not the only guy who's ever felt like you feel now. I know that, 'cuz I lived it.
Sometimes the best prayer in your arsenal is "Lord, please get me through the next 5 minutes." -- 12 times in a row if you need it to get you through an hour.
And sometimes the Lord drops a pile of tools at your feet, and expects you to pick 'em up and practice with them until you get good with them.
I think Surviving An Affair is one of the best tools out there for a guy in your place.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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rightthing, go upstairs & tell her that you're all-in. That you'll do what it takes. For as long as it takes. Even if you have a lot of learning to do just to learn what all "it" is.
Might not happen today, but if you're really lucky, she might tell you what my wife said to me on our D-Day (see red text, 2nd quote, below). Because that means she's willing to give you a 2nd chance.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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