Folks,

trt's wife is posting under the user name "AlmostInvictus", hence his nickname "Al".

Um, okay - I'm missing something. Her name is Almost Invictus. HIS nickname is Al. He's posting as trt. What am I missing?

Bliss,

trt is the WS

Almostinvictus (aka, Al) is the BS

You're overthinking it, MsBliss. "AI" is his nickname for her.

Bliss, what you been smokin girl?

Marital Bliss, with all due respect, PLEASE tell me you know that there are STD's that can be spread even WITH the use of a condom??? HPV, the NUMBER ONE spread STD, the virus that is responsible for genital warts, can be spread by skin contact even without penetration. I have read a thread on here within the last two months of a BW who contracted this from her WH.

I understand SF is an EN, but seriously. This woman has been through enough than to have to deal with an STD contracted from her WH. It doesn't take long to get most tests back, there is no reason she should be exposed in that amount of time to meet an EN.

Don't have sex until you are tested for STD's. Please. I have read that 1 in 4 people have HPV, many who don't even know it. And this is only one example of STD's that can be contracted WITH the use of a condom, there are others. These can cause lifelong health problems. You may not have thought of your wife when you were exposing yourself to this, but think of her and protect her now.

LOL! I don't smoke the stuff, so I can't blame it on that!

I understand your concern, but also understand that there are sexual acts that can be safely carried out without endangering either person's health. Many married people deal with the same thing every day. They adapt. They make it work.

The intimate act of SF can be accomplished without endangering the health of either partner and should not be dismissed until it's been confirmed that a partner is disease-free. They need to be reconnecting ASAP.

No genital to genital contact though.

Hey I understand the need for SF, trust me! But reconnecting at the risk of someone's health because you can't wait the 2 weeks it would take to get test results back is just not the answer.

Enough said.

Of course. Creative and committed people can overcome a lot of things. They can wait two weeks for results that will give them the go-ahead to have genital contact. (I also suggest they ask their physician for a 'safe' date to resume genital sex.) Until then, there are other options for SF. They should also get 'safe sex' information from a health care provider.

OK trt how about your list of EP's???


You've been home all day! PROCRASTINATION??

Did you get your poly scheduled today??

Did you get to the Dr. for the std test?

Actions!
Actions!
Actions!

Please don't be another member of the ATNA club, OK!

(ATNA = All Talk No Action)

You are really making excuses here, and we would do you a real disservice if we did not call you on it.

Those three kids are going to have some serious odds stacked against them if their parents' marriage does not succeed, so those three kids are a reason to work FASTER. Put a video on for them or take them out to the backyard, and get cracking.

HerPapaBear, one of the wonderful posters here helping you, had SIX kids at the time that he came back to his marriage. He put together a big todo list within ONE day and started ticking them off. You've already put us off for a day; you told us yesterday you'd post EPs this morning, and here we are at nightfall and they are nowhere to be found. HPB's got like eight or a dozen kids now, and still finds plenty of time to make a good marriage.

You can make this work, and you must make this work.

I've got six kids myself, so I don't see three as a lot! :P That dog won't hunt on this thread.

Hey, rightthing, this is not a rhetorical question. You need to become familiar with this material. Have you watched the video? Have you read the entire "how to survive infidelity" section of the website, all 29 or so pages?

I am 100% behind this and, even though AI says that it's her choice and not mine, I have blatantly stated that I will not have sex with her until we are both in the clear. At which point, it is going to be her choice as to whether or not she wants to share herself with me again.

It is not my choice to engage in sexual activity with my wife. It IS my choice to refuse to sleep with her if I could potentially have a disease.

Except for how I've already done that. Like a total a-hole.

Here we are. I've got my list of EPs, and Markos and the Bear on my back, so let's make this count.

Also, I'm really starting to like you guys.

My EPs. (Please help me add to this if you can. I'm open to suggestions and additions. I've also shown/read this to AI, and she approves... but I think more can be added)

- Leave my current place of employment
- Willingly take STD test (scheduled for tomorrow morning)
- Voluntarily submit to a polygraph test
- Inform AI if I am contacted by offending females, in any way, immediately (done and will continue)
- Invest in at least 15 hours of UA on a weekly basis
- Find and employ an appropriate outlet for my frustration, anger, and excess energy (looking at BMX biking or Skateboarding)
- Change cell phone # and only give to select contacts that AI approves of (done)
- Vet my book collection of any offensive/disrespectful material that will not directly help my marriage to AI* (done)
- Lessen my online presence (i.e.: blog, FB, Twitter, etc.)(done)
- Make my cell phone available to AI upon her request at any time, for any reason (done)
- Remove anybody from Facebook that may pose a threat to the marriage (done)
- Remove anyone from cell contact that may pose a threat to the marriage (done)
- DO NOT engage in any personal relationships with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT share ANY personal information with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT add any females to Facebook or any social media site without AI's approval
- DO NOT send ANY emails to members of the opposite sex without AI reading and approving of them first
- IMMEDIATELY Provide AI with any and all passwords to email, social media, websites, banking information, cell phone, financial information, etc. (done)
- DO NOT have ANY contact, FOR LIFE, with any of the offending females, or anyone I was in an intimate relationship with before or during my marriage to AI.
- DO NOT flirt, help, or be excessively nice to any members of the opposite sex, with the exception of AI
- DO NOT attend ANY place (convention, reading, meeting, dinner, etc.) alone that may present a threat to the marriage
- DO NOT contact ANY member of the opposite sex via email, Facebook, Twitter, Text, Phone, DM, PM, etc. unless for business or professional purposes
- DO NOT vet, hide, or delete any emails, texts, PM, DM, etc., before AI's approval
- DO NOT put any projects, assignments, jobs, ideas, etc., before the wife and kids.
- DO NOT give cell phone number to anyone unless AI approves
- DO NOT take cell phone to the bathroom or outside for a smoke without AI's approval
- DO NOT compliment people excessively
- DO NOT use terms of endearment with anyone but AI and my children

There are a ton more, I'm sure, but these were the ones (in a list that had more *promises* than EPs,) that we agreed were crucial. My original list, with the aforementioned promises, was actually 2 full pages long, with in columns.

*AI approves of me getting rid of all of this material. I am relieved to have it out of the house.

We sat on the back deck and had some great conversations tonight. She cried about having to submit to the STD tests, and I held her and told her I was sorry for doing this to her. We spoke at length about the fact that this entire thing is my fault, and that I put her in this shameful and horrible position.

We listened to music and had great conversations about the kids and potential hobbies that I could partake in to redirect my need for accolades and the gratification I get from "the chase" and the way people respond to my excessively friendly and flirtatious nature.

She also told me I was a fake and a liar and handed me so many goddamned insults that I couldn't possibly write them here for fear of setting my computer screen on fire. And I didn't blink. I took every single one. I asked her for more and agreed with her 100%. We went for a walk earlier and basically agreed that our anniversary, which is about 3 weeks away, is completely ruined. We talked about our future together, and renewing our vows if this works and we (read: I) make the effort to prove myself.

And then she asked me questions about my relationship with the POSOW, and I told her absolutely everything with great detail. I left nothing out. From our first interaction to the last. I told her about all of the "future" plans we had made, and exactly how I felt every step of the way.

And then she tore more strips off me. And I deserved it and took it. I'm still taking some via text. Because she's right. I put her here. I did this.

And I'm still of the mind that I'm going to grab this relationship by the horns and "love" it right.

I got the shipping confirmation that SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and FALL IN LOVE, STAY IN LOVE are on their way. I'm still working through HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, and ordering another copy of the workbook, and AI is reading currently LOVE BUSTERS.

And now I'm going to join my wife in bed and tell her that I love her and that I will protect her and this relationship. And then I'm going to do everything I can to make her feel secure and loved for the rest of our lives.

That's right, twinkletoes.

I would change all old email accounts and only have joint emails and facebook with AI or get off all social media all together.

What about no Internet at all?
No cell phone?

You need to get rid of all conditions that allowed your affair. If it was texting get rid of texting.

TRT,

You are getting top-notch triage advice here, keep following it.


Now, I'm going to throw out some rehab;

Get your preventative measures in line, but while you have all this time on medical leave... you and AI should also be getting childcare, and getting out for some UA time.

UA time should be pleasant for both of you. Take the opportunity to brainstorm some ideas with your wife, and PoJA some activities.


In the midst of all of this work, you should also be making UA time of 20-30 hours each week. It's not just part of your marital recovery, it is the most important part from here until you stop breathing.

Great start TRT. It's good to see a wayward starting to get it.

BH, and HHH got a few of the things I thought about when I read through your list. There is one other thing I would like to address though.


THIS IS ON YOU, NOT THEM. YOU are the one who needs to change, not the people around you. You can't control what other people do, or how they "react". Flirting is only okay when you are single. Do you flirt with men as well? Probably not, because flirting is a part of COURTING. That is the biggest hole you have in your weak boundaries.

Have you read anything about Just Compensation? I think that since most of your affairs were conducted online, you need to get rid of social media altogether. This is a danger to your marriage, and it needs to go. You need to do everything within your power to make up for, and protect your wife and marriage from YOUR actions.

You are one lucky man to have a loving wife who would even consider forgiving you, and attempting to recover your marriage. It's gonna take a lot of work, and time, but you can get there.