There are many marriages that recover even when BOTH spouses know about MB.

Have you told her about MB? Do you think she checks your history? Why do you think that she's reading your thread?

She may know things that you will do and won't do beforehand, but that doesn't hurt your chances at recovery. There are times when I wished that my WH would know about MB, then he would know that it IS possible to recover from adultery. I won't go out and tell him though. This place is my safety net.

What does Steve tell you to do when she does this?

Scotland, it was mainly intuition based on her reactions to my actions. It could just be my paranoia though. I am not the most trusting person anymore with her I have no proof she is reading my thread. I have no proof of anything.

She knows about MB and we had joint sessions with Steve from the end of November through the middle of January, then she refused to continue with Steve, although I have of course. We did all the questionnaires in November. She has not really read alot though on the site though.

The last week has continued to be crappy mostly. Today I again brought up working with Steve and turning our marriage into something we both enjoy. She says she just does not want to, does not feel like it, and that she has done what I wanted our entire marriage and now she won't. She tells me she is staying only because she does not want to take the kids out of my life (she has said this for a few months off and on) and although living together we need to live seperate lives. Then she started to list a litany of ways I failed her in our marriage and that we are just too different.

I responded with my script from Steve and stayed on message without DJs. At the end I just changed the subject and we then had lunch with the kids and her mom. I worry that I may be bringing up working with Steve too often and she is feeling too much pressure from me.

Brainhurts,

I've got a call with him tomorrow, and will ask his advice. This is sort of a new tactic from her. Steve usually just tells me to stay anchored and don't react to what she throws at me, let it roll off my back and just keep on plan. And be ready for a long plan A unfortunately...

Steve advised to address her disrespect by asking her what she is trying to achieve, and then using that as a hook back to the original idea: creating a M we both enjoy, being in love again is better than seperation or a D.

He advised not to dismiss it, as that could give her sense it is ok and acceptable.

Thanks BlackHawk for the feedback from Steve. I learn so much from his coaching to you.

Do you know how you will address this with her?

BlackHawk,

So I'm not hijacking anyone else's thread, you're welcome! When you feel up to it, let me know. There is SOOOOOO much more that you can do if you're willing to learn, which you seem to be.

Well, she gave me an opportunity to try yesterday, and I basically just asked her what is she trying to do by being mean, she said I told you what I want, and I said do you think a D or seperation or seperate lives while living together would be better than a happy repationship or being in-love? She did not answer snd just got angry so I retreated.

Steve has a lot of hooks he can give, but the main thing is to make sure the discussion always turns into that question above. She will kick and scream, but stay matter of fact and w/o emotion. That is sometimes difficult, as is maintaining no expectations

She is struggling and contrasting her feelings for me now and in her fog memories of what we had pre-affair versus what she had with dead OM last year. Steve says things are getting through. I am opposing her and representing an idea opposite of what she right now believes she wants. She will struggle like this until she becomes more of a believer, I guess like where we were earlier this year. I also need to work on getting her to open up her concerns with the entire approach, apparently she got off track with the basic premise, which is being in love with father of kids is the ideal scenario for her happiness.

Thanks AJoseJake. Let me play with this some and then let's talk again. Thanks for the advice!

Thanks BlackHawk for sharing.

For anyone following my thread, I have not updated in some time since there has been nothing really new to say. We are still living together as a family and I continue to counsel with Steve regularly by myself and to plan A and meet her ENs as much as she will allow. There are good days and then bad days, but the bad days seem fewer now.

Thanks for the update BlackHawk. She still isn't talking to Steve?

With less bad days do you think you're on the road to recovery?

How much UA time are you getting?

Blackhawk,

I have been wondering how you and your wife are doing.
So glad the bad times are fewer, just keep loving her, someday she will really see you again.
She is a lucky woman.
Jessi

BrainHurts,

She is still not willing to speak with Steve, but I keep trying to chip away at that with Steve's guidance. We are not yet on the road to recovery by any means, but our interactions seem to be improving as I plan A better and at a pace she is confortable with. It is hard and slow work and it sucks, but I am at a sustainable pace right now.

On UA time, this is a problem. We get family time all together a couple hours a day and longer on week-ends, but UA time is a lot, lot, lot less. It is hurting us, but she is super resistant. Steve counseled me that exposure and care over time will have an impact, so I keep plugging away.

Thanks Jessi for your kind words. I continue to follow the plan and chip away at her resistance and meet her ENs as she allows, and I continue to counsel with Steve every couple of weeks. As I wrote above, Steve has counseled me that exposre and time will have an impact, so I keep at it. Patience and perseverance...

So what can you do to improve your UA time?

And by exposure I mean to each other (with care shown to her).

BrainHurts,

UA time is a good question. She is reluctant to do things together without the kids the last few months. I keep suggesting things like shopping and lunch. I come home early from work some days, stay home some days. I will just keep trying.

Blackhawk,

Is your WW still communicating with OMs ex'es.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Gamma,

Not to my knowledge since mid-February.