Just a quick update, H is still athome with no talk of moving out. In fact the past couple days have been really nice.

15 - so happy for all the progress.

I do not usually follow WS' threads because of the triggers, but I've been cheering for you and your H, to find peace together!

Good luck!

Thank you E!! That means so much to me coming from you. I have also followed your story and I know your BH has hurt you immensely. It takes a truly brave and strong person to cheer on someone who has hurt their family in the Same way that you and your family have been hurt.

H is still at home with no talk of moving out. In fact the past couple days have been really nice.

Now what are your plans for tomorrow, and the holiday weekend?

And to make it more of a sure thing, my friend, tell us why the past couple of days were really nice - for HIM. Actually, you don't have to tell us - what's important is that you actively identify those things that mean "happy marriage" to him, and bury him in them.

NG,

Thanks for asking and thanks for holding me accountable....actions not just words. I have been filling my Hs top needs to the max and it is making me feel better.

One thing I noticed this past week is that my H asked me about my end of school party. This is a party that involves teachers only. Spouses can come but are often times encouraged not to. My H actually asked me if I was going. 1. Showing me that be did care about me even if he says he does not. 2. That he still does not trust me...a given. This gave me the opportunity to show him action by not going or even thinking about it, and also letting him know that I will never again attend an after school function without him. Instead we spent the entire weekend together....lots of UA time.

In addition, I continue to read MB stuff and apply it to myself and my marriage. My H is still not totally on board but I find him trading the posts from my phone and asking a lot of questions.

On another posters forum today, Pepper gave some good advice on empathy to another Wayward. It was very ironic that I read this because I continue to struggle with my feelings and sometimes forget what I put him though. This forum and the wise people on it always bring me back to reality.

That's sad that the school would not encourage spouses to attend. No wonder we see so many affairs involved with teachers/professors.

Did you POJA this? Why not have him go with you and send even a bigger message to the school that you will have your BH attend and let your BH see your interactions with your coworkers?

I'm all for UA time because that's more important.

I don't join ANY work functions that doesn't allow spouses. I've been very vocal about this at work that they have changed their policy to always include spouses. Just something to think about.

Good job! My school ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS includes the spouses. It's a big red flag when a workplace doesn't want them. If the only issue is the cost, well, just don't have events as often. Maybe you can be a catalyst for change.

I see you looking at me.


Go read that same thread today.

XOXO

15Y,

I guess what I am getting at is has your wife expressed why she has had these changes? Are you sure they dont have something to do with you?

The only change my wife acknowledged is that after OM2 she never felt the same about me. I think it was part her and part me, my part was that I gained some weight at that time which reduced her attraction to me, and her part is her guilt which she has carried all these years.

I know she feels guilty because talking about it is like her touching an electric fence, and she retreats behind a brick wall after a brief statement. Oh well I hope my speaking with OM helps nudge her into talking.

God Bless
Gamma

Yeah my school is really bad about happy hours and parties that do not involve spouses. My H and I did talk about it and he says that he does not want to go to any work related party any time soon (big trigger for him).

That is fine with me because I do not hang out with this group of people anymore and not to sound high and mighty but a number of them and their behavior repulses me...funny how I never realized this before. The head of my department and his ex-wayward lover hang out all of the time. And he wonders why his wife does not like him?

I told my H that I will never ever go to another work event without his presence and if he does not want to go, then we wont go.

Pepper,

I really want to get back to that thread. I read the entire thing yesterday and really feel for both the WW and her BH. I hope they can both learn through this forum and MB.

15, I'm really happy you jumped in to help out the noobie WW.
Helping out others will deepen your own understanding of MB in action.

And it will help show new people that WWs CAN turn themselves around. There needs to be more FWWs around to help noobies out.

What is the plural of "hiatus"? Anyway, I hate them on threads that I am committed to following!

What goes on, XVY? How are you facilitating and expediting the recovery process since last you posted?

NG,

I have gone nowhere just listening to advice on others forums and giving advice when I can. Lots of UA time between H and I. It has been nice. Still however very conflicted over the inlaws. I will explain more when I can get on computer vs. my phone and really explain my dilema.

Hiati?

Did someone mention Tahiti?

Tahiti??? Can anyone come, or is it an exclusive party?

I want to come! Especially after today when I realized how small the world really is. I just found out that one of the coaches who I will be working with used to be neighbors my Hs OW and her ex.

She told me some very disturbing info about OW that is completely the opposite of what my H told me. In his defense I think she had him fooled as well so it was her lies, not his. I don't think after what I did to him he would turn around and date a swinging, drug addict, who cheated in her H with a married man and broke up his marriage and her own.

My dilema is I don't know what to do with this information. For some reason it is really bothering me. It opened up my healing wound. I want to talk to my H about it but don't want to upset him and not sure if my reasoning is just.

There's no one pat answer for stuff like that. As a general rule, it's usually better not to bring up bad stuff you find out about an OP. Even if you have proof, it still tends to activate the defensiveness nerve pathways of the WS/FWS. If they're far enough on the road to R they may not act on the impulse, but it will be there.

It's because when they defend the OP, they're really defending themselves. "If OP was really a lying, cheating drug addict, only a stupidhead would be with them. I was with them, I am not a stupidhead, therefore they cannot really be a lying, cheating drug addict."

I would advise on telling only if the following conditions apply:

1. It's not just blurted out on impulse, or to make you feel better.
2. After careful reflection, you have a concrete benefit to R that will occur for both of you as a result of him knowing.

My personal opinion is that the PORH does not automatically extend to info about the FOP. It needs to be carefully weighed and prayerfully considered. If I somehow and without seeking it out came into a knowledge of something horrible and shocking to do with the XOW, would I tell AJ? *ONLY* if it had some relevancy and importance to our life now, like if she was moving in next door.

I might tell him if she was dead. Maybe.

Even negative info has the risk of tapping into old $LB balances, which is why it's so important to weigh the risk against the benefit.