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- Leave my current place of employment
- Willingly take STD test (scheduled for tomorrow morning)
- Voluntarily submit to a polygraph test
- Inform AI if I am contacted by offending females, in any way, immediately (done and will continue)
- Invest in at least 15 hours of UA on a weekly basis (15 is for happy marriages. You need 20-30)
- Find and employ an appropriate outlet for my frustration, anger, and excess energy (looking at BMX biking or Skateboarding) which my wife can either participate in and/or join in, while the kids are elsewhere, as part of our UA time
- Change cell phone # and only give to select contacts that AI approves of (done)
- Vet my book collection of any offensive/disrespectful material that will not directly help my marriage to AI* (done)
- Lessen my online presence (i.e.: blog, FB, Twitter, etc.)(done) No internet. Computer for children's school use.
- Make my cell phone available to AI upon her request at any time, for any reason (done)
- Remove anybody from Facebook that may pose a threat to the marriage (done) No Facebook. No internet. Computer for children's school use.
- Remove anyone from cell contact that may pose a threat to the marriage (done)
- DO NOT engage in any personal relationships with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT share ANY personal information with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT add any females to Facebook or any social media site without AI's approval No Facebook. No internet. Computer for children's school use.
- DO NOT send ANY emails to members of the opposite sex without AI reading and approving of them first
- IMMEDIATELY Provide AI with any and all passwords to email, social media, websites, banking information, cell phone, financial information, etc. (done)
- DO NOT have ANY contact, FOR LIFE, with any of the offending females, or anyone I was in an intimate relationship with before or during my marriage to AI.
- DO NOT flirt, help, or be excessively nice to any members of the opposite sex, with the exception of AI
- DO NOT attend ANY place (convention, reading, meeting, dinner, etc.) alone that may present a threat to the marriage
- DO NOT contact ANY member of the opposite sex via email, Facebook, Twitter, Text, Phone, DM, PM, etc. unless for business or professional purposes No internet. Computer for children's school use.
- DO NOT vet, hide, or delete any emails, texts, PM, DM, etc., before AI's approval
- DO NOT put any projects, assignments, jobs, ideas, etc., before the wife and kids.
- DO NOT give cell phone number to anyone unless AI approves
- DO NOT take cell phone to the bathroom or outside for a smoke without AI's approval
- DO NOT compliment people excessively Since you are a WS, you probably don't realize this, but you don't need to compliment anyone of the opposite sex, EVER
- DO NOT use terms of endearment with anyone but AI and my children I have made a few suggestions. You are a grown man, husband, and father. You do not need to use social media at all. We all lived fine without it (and I'm sure I'm much younger than you and I do just fine too).
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Alis: I use social media as part of my vocation and to promote my work. Ditching social media all together is something AI and I talked about, and decided that it should be suspended, not eradicated.
I'm keeping texting because AI and I text to each other all the time.
I haven't read much of anything regarding Just Compensation, but will look into it more. Any links/suggestions?
As for the quote about "the way people react to my flirtatious... etc.", that was in reference to a conversation between myself and AI. It was decided/discussed that the way people respond is a direct result of the fact that I do this at all. I am aware that the onus is on me. Not them. Flirting with anyone but AI is not okay under any circumstances.
What else? Bring it on. I'd love to have something I can finalize and present to AI. Also, should I make a "legit" signed copy and have it witnessed? What's the protocol for things like this?
Does anyone here use ANY literature that *isn't* Harley and/or MB that they find useful? Curious.
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That's a good list, TRT. It'll be even better when you & she have gone over it together & she's on-board.
Re: just compensation, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
In the months after my affair, I read lots of stuff. I didn't find anything that was as succinct or practical as SAA, although there are other books ("Boundaries in Marriage" is one that's popular; there are others.)
But you can't read your way out of where you're at, nor read your way to a better relationship with your wife. Once you learn about EPs and Emotional Needs, the main thing is to stick to the former, and meet the latter (and express your own in appropriate, non-demanding ways).
I noticed from AI's posts that one of the things that cuts her is how you've spoken positively about the latest OW. That has to change on your part. At some point, you need to see her for what she was: an opportunist who, figuratively speaking, made a choice to mug your wife from a blind alley, steal her purse, cut her face, and kick her in the teeth while she was down. None of that excuses your choices, of course. But you've really gotta ask yourself why you chose to blind yourself to that ethical black hole on her part.
The answer, of course, is that you'd gotten just as blind. You saw what you wanted to see & chose to see in OW. But now you're snapping out of that, right? So you need to start seeing her like she was. She was no one you'd want your daughter to be, and nobody of the sort that you'd want your son to hook up with.
Yeah, she was nice to you. You made it easy for her. You threw attention her way, and she didn't have to worry about your mortgage or feeding your kids or doing your family's laundry or getting the brakes repaired or helping your children with their math homework or taking them to the dentist or any of that crap, so she could throw attention your way. That's not real, though -- that's an artificial, fantasy-existence right there. It's completely unsustainable in real life. And you bought into it, huh? Just like I did.
It took me months to drift all the way out of that fog. I hope you can get yourself squared away more quickly.
P.S. -- Internet? Maybe for your job, with your wife's approval & knowledge of all passwords, and with a keylogger that she controls. But Facebook? Uh-uh. My advice: Close your account. You need to be focusing on what's going on inside your home anyway, and with your EPs and your UA time goals, you just don't have time to pee away on Facebook anyway.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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What sort of career do you have? I can't help but wonder if your career choice itself needs to change, if it involves Facebook and twitter.
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What sort of career do you have? I can't help but wonder if your career choice itself needs to change, if it involves Facebook and twitter. I understand your concerns and have dialed back so much as to close several accounts and limit my presence online to that of reasercher and "viewer", not commenter. As for my career, it's not imperative to disclose that information in order to save my marriage. It is also too personal and identifying. Gloveoil: (I'm curious as to the origin of that name) You're speaking VOLUMES as to how this program and my life in marriage should work. I feel like printing out every post you submit and workinging them into a mission statement of sorts. Thank you.
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RTR, I'm a weekend center fielder (unfortunately one with a 2nd-baseman's arm).
Don't shortchange anything HerpapBear tells you either.
I'm taking my wife to Florida for our 20th anniversary, so I won't be around for a few days.
I hear you've got an anniversary coming up. In the grand scheme of things, no, it probably won't end up as your or your wife's favorite one, but I wouldn't write it off either. Do it up right.
//
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I hear you've got an anniversary coming up. In the grand scheme of things, no, it probably won't end up as your or your wife's favorite one, but I wouldn't write it off either. Do it up right.
// ^^^^^^^^ Do not be cavalier about this upcoming anniversary. This is a place and time to walk the walk of marriage recovery with no expectations on her. Do something entirely different and memorable with her that can make a load of deposits in her lovebank. Go over what her emotional needs are and take charge of planning something that will put her at ease in your company. If you're accustomed to going out to dinner or something - change it up. Take the time to consider her favorite recreational activities and go river rafting, or hiking to a water fall. Start coming up with a plan though that requires the effort one would expect of major soul renovation that you are embarking on.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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What about having joint facebook and twitter with AI?
Joint emails?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Got the STD test today. Hurt like a [censored], but I bet my wife hurts more. Told my wife's cousin about my infidelity today as well, because she showed up at the Doc's office. Figured I'd just get to it. She immediately went out to AI in the car and hugged the crap out of her. She's beginning to develop a support system. Spending as much time with AI as possible and depositing some MAJOR Love Bank goodness. The kids are driving us both nuts, but it's nothing like the epically fertile Papa Bear and Markos, so I can't complain.  not losing track of the goal here. I have to get AI through this and start building our marriage. Still waiting on Surviving An Affair to show up, but I'm reading HN, HN and LB as much as possible. Back to playing with the kids while AI feeds the baby to sleep. Then it's more Deposits and Affirmations.
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Cut the melodrama, Drama Queen! It's time to fulfill AI's Emotional Needs until I turn blue in the G.D. face!  That's right, twinkletoes. Twinkletoes. :roflmao:
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Anyone have any advice as per eating and numb feelings in the BS? She's eating very little, and I'm all over her with niceness and love, but she's just not hungry. Day one was anger and sadness, Day 2 was anger, and today is numbness and a zombie-like state. We've talked about it, and we're both concerned. I'm love banking all over the place, and while that's great, I'd like advice as to what I can do to help her more.
What say you?
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My friend,
She is in shock!
What she is experiencing is normal!
It will take months (6-12) for her physical condition to feel more normal.
I've never seen anyone experience such a huge loss and feel hungry. I've actually seen several betrayed spouses (that have lost a child) describe the angst/emotions associated with betrayal as far worse than the angst/emotions associated with the loss of their child.
You have a great deal of work to do, and following through with this work will do more for your wife than anything else you can possibly think of, OK!
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 05/24/12 07:21 PM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Does anyone here use ANY literature that *isn't* Harley and/or MB that they find useful? Curious. Yes, but that can come after you get MB under your belt. One of my favorite non-MB books is Passionate Marriage. It's quite didactic and takes effort to slog through. I do not recommend you buy that book until you've got a year of MB based recovery. Passionate Marriage will not address recovery from infidelity at all. Having said that, it's one of my favorite relationship books. Mostly because it opened my eyes to various crucibles offered by marriage as an integrity growing opportunity/ process. When it comes to recovery from adultery, no other literature is as useful as the MB program. Keep your eye on the prize, Mable.
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Bear: I figured as much. The shock of something like this is reportedly worse than anything. And if what Harley says is in fact the case, she's absolutely broken.
I'm keeping up the deposits and taking care of all of the kid and house stuff. We homeschool the kids, so I'm trying to learn AI's curriculum, slowly. I want to help as much as possible.
Pepper: Got it. Start with MB and eventually branch out to polish things up. Focus on this.
Also, how many nicknames am I going to have after this? Lol.
AI is having moments of lucidity. We've been able to have conversations about things other than this event, and even when it comes up I'm extremely honest and forthright. Historical honesty, as embarrassing as it is, can't possibly be worse than what she's going through.
It's going to be a long and hard road, but I'm in it for the long haul. Keep on truckin'.
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Anyone have any advice as per eating and numb feelings in the BS? She's eating very little, and I'm all over her with niceness and love, but she's just not hungry. Day one was anger and sadness, Day 2 was anger, and today is numbness and a zombie-like state. We've talked about it, and we're both concerned. I'm love banking all over the place, and while that's great, I'd like advice as to what I can do to help her more.
What say you? This is the exact reason Dr. Harley recommends for spouses to go to their doctor and get AD's and or anxiety meds and sleep aide if needed.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Brain: We discussed the possibility of a sleep aide, but as a breastfeeding mother, we don't know how it would affect the baby. More research needs to be done. She's sleeping in this morning.  It's time for me to clean the house and kill the laundry.
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Have you read the articles I gave you links to yesterday and watched the video Pepperband and I posted? Hey, rightthing, this is not a rhetorical question. You need to become familiar with this material. Have you watched the video? Have you read the entire "how to survive infidelity" section of the website, all 29 or so pages? Okay, I must ask again. I cannot count the number of times I have seen HerPapaBear ask "formerly" wayward spouses on this site if they own and have read Surviving an Affair. After being on the site for years. And the answer is NO! We have a surprising number of people who show up here and talk a lot and yet never become familiar with Dr. Harley's materials. Those marriages do not recover. Have you watched Dr. Harley's video? Have you read the How to Survive Infidelity section of the website? Do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair, yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Alis: I use social media as part of my vocation and to promote my work. If you need social media for your work, change jobs, or hire someone to take care of that for you. Social media is mostly a way to bond with hundreds of people at once. Right now and for the next 2-5 years you need to focus on bonding only with your wife and children. One of your big problems has been bonding too freely with everybody. The overly friendly nature needs to change, as you've already acknowledged. If you are going to "suspend" Facebook, I wouldn't suspend it for anything less than two years. But really, I would ditch it altogether. If you try to bargain over the boundaries that people suggest here, it's not a very good sign that you guys are going to make it. You have to be "all in." I am trying to help you learn what characteristics people have who make it. You can pick your odds. I have seen more than one marriage here that did not make it because the unfaithful spouse would not give up social media. What else? Bring it on. I'd love to have something I can finalize and present to AI. Also, should I make a "legit" signed copy and have it witnessed? What's the protocol for things like this? Maybe it's just me, but witnessing, signing, etc. doesn't mean much. Your vows were witnessed, and your marriage license was signed. Presenting your plan to your wife is good, but in my opinion, presenting the plan to her is not a milestone. Instead, it's an opportunity for feedback: "Honey, this is what I am going to do. What else do you suggest? What else do you need?" Give her everything she asks for on this count. And then, the point is not to have it written out, but to DO it, of course. Always remember that words mean nothing, actions mean everything.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Presenting your plan to your wife is good, but in my opinion, presenting the plan to her is not a milestone. Instead, it's an opportunity for feedback: I agree with Markos's opinion.
Last edited by Pepperband; 05/25/12 09:32 AM. Reason: iPhone fingers
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Have you watched Dr. Harley's video? Have you read the How to Survive Infidelity section of the website? Do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair, yet? Just a quick response before I take the family out for fun time: Re: the video - Yes, I've watched it. It cleared a lot of my questions up and made me understand things a little better. Re: The website - Yes, I've been reading and rereading that section. It's opened my eyes to how my wife feels, but I know I will never fully understand. But I know what I MUST do. Re: The book - I received my shipping notice the day before yesterday. It should be here today it tomorrow, at which point I'll dive right in. For now, I'm reading in my off time and spending the rest of my time with AI and the kids. And now I'm off to do just that.
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