Maybe. Are you prepared to wait for this to happen? Are you prepared to be his children's nanny and his cook and housecleaner while he stays intimately involved with OW?

Remember, my H's EA continued for 5 FLIPPING YEARS after he changed jobs so that he would not be required to travel any more. And, far from fizzling out, it was hotting up again when I discovered the email last year. They were planning to meet again, because her H was taking early retirement and moving back to their home country in September. Even if my H were not free to travel to her - which he would have been, really, since it's only 3 hours by train from London to Brussels - she would have been free to travel to him, coming to stay at hotels in London. I would never have known that the "meeting" he was in when I rang his office was actually a sex session in a central London hotel. This happened to me before, after D Day when I was watching him like a hawk. This would have happened again.

Who knows when and whether the affair will fizzled out? Some mistress whores wait for OM for 15 years. My younger child was 6 when the affair started and 14 last year when I intercepted the email with them planning to meet. Who is to say that in a couple of years after that, my H would not have deemed my son old enough to understand and cope without a father, and moved out to be with her?

Who is to say? Is that a risk you are willing to take?

Now, you made ME laugh!

zouzouni, I have to go out for a couple of hours. Please keep posting questions to this thread and other people will answer them. We have wonderful people here always helping - but you have to keep posting, because we are kept busy answering the active threads.

When is the last time he was physically abusive to you?

Are your inlaws Christian?

Can you start putting money aside?

Also you need to expose to the OW's BH. Read this Exposure 101

Here's what Dr. Harley says about telling the children.

The Harley's discuss telling the children even as young as 4 about the affair

Hi BrianHurts... The last time he was physically abusive to me was Oct 22, 2008. Funny that I can even remember it was around 3pm. That was the time he held the scissors to my throat and my father in law threatened to kick him out of our house if he ever raised a hand to me again.

My in laws are a mixed breed when it comes to religion. My mother in law is a Jehova's Witness and very fanatical about it. I have nothing against it and she has finally stopped trying to convert me as I am from an Italian heritage and a devout Catholic. Yet there are no catholic churches in my area and the local priest told me I had to convert or I was not welcome in the church.

I am trying to put money aside but this is a very big issue with my husband. He is still furious that I have my own bank account. I am trying to put 100-50 a way per month which means it will take forever.

My daughter asks me what's wrong, every single day. They both know that something is up and I keep telling them that I can't say. Will read the link, thanks!

P.S. Can't find out who the other woman is and the directories here are limited. Most people have these cheap SIM cards that cost 5 euro and they are only traceable through the legal system. I have no idea what her last name is and I search the internet every day to find some trace of her or her family. I only have her screen names but they are not listed on most websites as they are here in Europe.

zouzouni, you never really answered my question about whether you would be willing to wait this out.

I think we need to know a few more details. Are your children nationals of your H's country? (If they were born there then this is likely.) Have you any idea whether they would be entitled to USA nationality?

I have spoken to somebody who has some knowledge of cases where one parent has taken the children away unilaterally, and there has been a court case. (This person is not a lawyer and neither am I.) Having done that, I think I should retract what I said about not taking your children out of the country. I think you need to find a way to get your children out of that country.

This might be difficult, though, if you have USA nationality and they do not. I know that in the UK, a parent travelling alone with the kids, where they have UK nationality and the travelling parent does not, will be stopped from leaving the country until the border authorities are satisfied that the parent has the spouse's permission to take the kids away. The UK government, and no doubt other European governments, is acting this way because of the growing number of child "kidnapping" cases by one parent.

But, if you can get your kids away, perhaps by telling your H that you are taking them to see their American grandparents, then you stand some chance of being able to stay away, especially if you tell a court about physical and emotional abuse followed by an affair. This, though, would take co-operation from the kids, and you will never get that if you do not tell them why you are keeping them in the USA. You would have to tell them about the affair and physical abuse. The kids would have to tell a court that they wanted to live in the USA, and they won't do that if they do not understand what has happened in your marriage.

So, the options seem to be first, for you to get out of that house and ideally out of the country. Can you squirrel away small amounts of money from your mother to work towards that goal?

The second option is to wait out the affair for at least six years until your children are 18 and can make their own decision to leave with you. This sounds like a horrendously long time, but it can be done if you think the end goal is worth it. If the affair appears to be ongoing during that time, or if your H continues his ill-treatment of you, you must keep him at arms length to protect your physical and mental health. You need to live with him with enough civility for him to support you and keep his hands off you, but with enough distance for you not to be hurt by his affair.

What do you feel able to do?

ZZ,

I am so sorry! It pains me to read your post, especially the parts that involve your children. Early on in your post you stated that your husbands brother's wife kicked him out and will not let him see the children? Do you know the reasons for this? Are the similar to your own? Is there any way you can contact your sister in law for help with your situation?

I feel that I have no choice but to wait this out. My children have dual citizenship. They were born in the USA and my husband has signed them into our community registry and has them marked as citizens here.

A trip home would cost something like 5,000 euro (that is what it cost when I found a special rate on tickets and went for a visit in 2008). Right now he is so worried that I will leave, he would never let us go.

I realized last night that I am obsessing over this affair and his still being in contact with her because I don't know what to make of his actions and I have no way of knowing if he has ended the affair or not.

He had been on the computer yesterday and I commented that he always plays songs about missing someone and wanting to be in their arms again. He had a fit and told me he was going to password protect his computer so no one can touch it. I told him that our relationship would be over immediately if he did that. He mentioned something similar later in the afternoon. I left the room. About 20 minutes after I left the room, he went out for a bike ride with his cell phone. He has never done this before. I decided to go for a walk in the village to he corner store and we looked for him but he was nowhere to be found. Probably hiding somewhere in some corner talking to her. I asked him if he called her and he said no. He said he is sick of me constantly nagging him about the same things over and over again and if I can just be patient and let some time pass, I will see that what he is saying is true.

He slept on the sofa again last night and the night before. I have asked him not to do this but he doesn't seem to care about how much it bothers me.

I feel like I need to let go and push him away but then I feel like this is exactly what I did once before and it resulted in an affair. How do I stop following him around, checking on him, making all the wrong comments and nagging him. How do I let this go? I have never been any good at playing mind games and quite frankly, my mind is totally fried at this point.

Dear fifteenyears, thank you for joining my post, I can use all the help I can get. My sister in law was never a nice or happy person and she was jealous and rude to me from the start. I noted on a few occasions that her husband publicly berated her and I did not like it at all. Yet this is very common where I live -the men are superior to the women. She will not accept my calls or anything from me because she thinks it is a trap. I really do not know many details about their divorce at all. I am extremely doubtful that he cheated on her, I think he was just mean and possibly abusive (mentally for sure, physyically... not so sure).

You can't stop snooping on him until he starts acting like a married man and stops his affair.

So you're going to wait this out and put money aside?

Sugarcane gave you some excellent advice.

So you're not going to expose his affair and demand he stop his affair? So you will continue to live like this why he goes out and cheats?

Then you need to protect yourself and not have sex with him and hope his ticking bomb doesn't go off on you.

You can't recover your marriage with three people in your M.

I was going to say all that, and this time Brainy got there first.

It was not my idea that you should just put up with his affair and stop snooping. It was not my suggestion that "waiting it out" involved trusting him and letting go of your suspicions.

It should be more like planning a prison escape. You need to play nice just to the extent that he stops ill-treating you, but not to the extent where he possibly has sex with his whore and also with you. You do not know where that nasty woman has been and you do not want to be picking up her diseases. Also, trying to have a loving marriage with a man who is having an affair harms a wife's emotional and physical health. You should not allow your self to become sucked in.

So, plan your prison escape carefully. Find a way to save money in an account of which he has no knowledge. Get your mother's support. Find a place to escape to within your country if your H becomes violent or abusive again. And although six years is longest you should have to wait, you might get an opportunity (or be forced) to leave before that time, so find out your rights and grab any opportunities.

I do not support your keeping the children ignorant about the affair. I don't see how that can be protecting them. They already know that something is badly wrong between their parents and they do not know what. It is cruel to leave the facts to their worst imagination. They need to know who or what is threatening their family and that they have one parent - you - who will look after them and defend them no matter what. If you keep them in the dark about their father's affair and other ill-treatment you are failing to protect them.

Does your mother know about the affair?

Zouzouni,

Please listen to Sugarcane.

Ok, thanks. My mother knows about the affair. She can't help as she has suffered seriously in the economic crisis and had to choose between losing her job or losing almost half of her salary. She is an excellent form of support and I speak to her almost every day. My in laws know about the affair and my husband's 2 brothers know about it. His two best friends know about the affair, one of them (the most important to him) has cut him off completely until he has his life back together and knows that he is treating me right. The other is keeping a distance to some degree. My 4 closest friends know about the affair and although timing is an issue, I am talking to them here and there. Two of them have been through their husbands having had an affair, one is still with her husband after 7 years and the other is divorced.

I don't know how to confront my husband again. I haven't caught him again, they are only suspicions and I am starting to question my own sanity at this point.

You're not crazy he's a wayward.

Please read these and you'll see they follow the wayward script.
Never Take the word of a wayward
Craziest things to come out of a wayward's Piehole

about the prison escape... I have been trying to plan such an escape for 8 years and haven't managed to do anything right. It is hard to imagine that I was once the strongest, most independent person I knew and my friends and colleagues looked to me for advice. I sit here a withered bag of bones who pays homage to a hateful man. He has used the children against me as they are my weakest point and managed to get me down so hard under his thumb that I don't even know which way is up. I chalked it up as a waiting game in the past. Waiting for the children to grow.

Today a good friend offered me a phone call with a counselor who speaks English. I am trying to set up an appointment for Monday morning. I really believe that I have to pull myself out of this rut somehow before I can make any kind of attempt at doing anything else. I am still an anxious, shaky mess and I am not eating or sleeping. I can't get out of my funk and right now that is the most important thing to me. To be able to function normally again.

Can You get to your doctor for some meds?

Dr. Harley recommends AD or anti anxiety meds.

Please read this What Are Plan A & B

In this country I can go to any pharmacy and ask for anything I want as long as it is not narcotic. Any thoughts?

What country are you in and what are you looking to get, AD? Some drug names vary from country to country. I am a pharmacist in the US and i can help you make by making some suggestions and cross reference for you with your country drug names.

Greece and anything that will stop me from crying all day, in public, thoughts of suicide, total breakdowns when my husband gives me a look or says something nasty. I need to think clearly for the first time in a month.