I've had a few rough nights, having weird vivid dreams that aren't quite nightmares, but are so unsettling they wake me up.

I've been reading other threads on here and listening to the show pretty much daily. I am having an epiphany of sorts looking at therightthing and his BS's threads. I have had no respect for myself throughout this process.

This man, who I once loved so dearly, has despised me, ridiculed me, disrespected our marriage. He has broken my daughters hearts...we used to call them "our" daughters but he has shown he didn't deserve their love. He has ruined me financially and continues to do so. It's almost as if he takes a glee in all of this pain he is causing me...I just don't understand why, why why!!

So...my epiphany...I'm doing this to myself. I'm willing to accept crumbs from him here and there, willing to tolerate such poor behavior (heck, as I did so long during our marriage, as he vacillated between renter and freeloader while I tried desperately to be a buyer). But I'm doing this to myself!

I wonder sometimes why people don't respond to my posts. Tonight I went back and read my original thread (probably should ask to have them merged, huh, I've had three now...)

People don't respond because I haven't done what people tell me to. I haven't entered plan B. I'm not in Plan A right now, because we have very little communication and I'm clearly not meeting any emotional needs of his. I'm in plan C. UGGHHH!!!! I don't think I can convey how disgusted I am with myself right now. Here I am, a very educated woman, a very accomplished woman, and I'm licking the crumbs off the floor from this self-rightous man who was lucky that I was willing to share my life and family with, and who has thrown it all away!

I think back to the good relationship he used to have with my daughters...and know he would be capable of being a decent dad if he wanted. I think back to how he cried while we watched pursuit of happyness when I was pregnant with our son, for fear he wouldn't be a great dad, and then contrast that with 1) his neglect of our sons educational needs as a stay at home dad 2)his destruction of our sons family 3) his fogbabble excuses why its okay for him to miss key things in our son's life 4) his absolutely ludicrous idea that he should go for primary custody of our son, when he can't support even himself and can't meet our son's needs (I think it's just so he could try and get child support out of me...I think he, deep down, still wants me to support him as I was doing all these years).

He's disgusting. Really. Appalling. And I am still attracted to him, still want whatever crumbs he's been sending me. Still pine for the man he could be, while not recognizing the man he is.

Uggh.

So...I commit to entering plan B within 12 hours of securing an IM. I have been brainstorming and there's one more person I think I can try, I'll call her when it's a decent hour. Or, if anyone on here will be my IM, I promise I'll be good. I don't say that word lightly.


So...since after seeing all my threads, I see that no one is interested in my talk, I need to show action. I need an IM. Desperately. I need someone to get me into plan B. I'm humbly asking on here if someone is willing to give me a chance. I will be serious about this, I will not waffle on it, I've already committed to leaving my church if necessary, given them a leave of absence from the teaching position I have there, moved out, etc.

The only other thing I never fully did, or at least did in a trickle way, is exposure. I did not expose OW on facebook (which is where she targeted my WH). I did, in person, tell two mutual friends we have on facebook a couple of months ago, gave them all the details and warning.

Yes my friend I still think you should expose OW. We were trying to tell you this.

Sounds like your taker is heading full force ahead and going through conflict and then it will be withdrawal as your lovebank starts to deplete.

Yes please have your threads merged together so people can follow you.

Sometimes it takes some of us longer to "get it" and it sounds like your getting it.

You deserve way more than those silly crumbs you deserve the whole darn cake.

Please secure up your IM. Tell her it's nothing but a filter to protect you. She just needs to send messages and filter out all his bull crap.

I'm so proud of you. You are growing!!!

Okay, two big steps forward...

One, I got a promotion!! This is really hard to get in state government these days, and I feel quite accomplished to have gotten it. And of course, the increase in pay will help my life as a single parent.

Two, I found an IM! She'll be awesome...she's been through similar bad experiences with men, and won't take any B.S., and I know she'll keep me safe (from myself!!) I'm sending her the link to the IM training school but I have faith that it will work out.

So...onward...implementing plans.

By tomorrow night, I will complete facebook exposure of OW.
By Sunday, I will be all ready for Plan B.

I'm taking control of my life. I was reading a book tonight (a kid book, actually) and it had a good quote in it..."Fair means everyone gets what they need. And the only way to get what you need is to make that happen yourself." Seemed like a beautiful embodiment of the marriage builder's principles and plans.

my friend

Keep us updated on the exposure.

You rock!!!

Congratulations, Jennifer!!

Okay...so here is my exposure letter. Please give me feedback as soon as possible, I'd like to get started sending it ASAP. Thank you!!

Dear friend of two-timer,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that two-timer had an inappropriate online relationship with my husband, WH, over Facebook and Google+. She was also still married at the time. WH and I have been married for 5 years and have a son together who�s life has been thrown into upheaval in the aftermath of this relationship.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with two-timer to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at XXX.

Thank you, JenniferVoyager

Have you seen the latest on the exposure 101 thread?

Providing a link with your proof so people can see it for themselves.

Check it out.

I wish I had that kind of proof...but also, I'm glad I don't. My proof is in some messages she sent me over facebook acknowledging their private conversations. I don't think they've met in person since I caught them chatting, but who really knows...the proof I have is their private conversations. Anywho...does it look okay?

I'm about to change my profile pic to one of my favorite pictures of WH and I together...it's painful to even think about. It was taken only a few months before all this craziness, and we look (and were) so happy. I've unblocked him on facebook for now...so if he gets wind of exposure, he could come and look at me and see US (he's got me blocked now...he goes back and forth on blocking me and me him).

Jennifer -

Letter looks good. Very minor detail, but the editor in me saw it - "who's" in your first paragraph should be "whose." You want to look as intelligent and "together" as you can. Good luck! You will feel so much better. (Yeah, look at me saying that:)

Thanks for catching that Rainy! I'd already sent some, but I'll get it right from here on out. And it looked wrong to me but honestly, I'm so tired that I didn't take the time to figure out what would look better

Thanks for the inspiration of your own exposure...I delayed probably too long to make any difference in my marriage as well, but at least it will be out there. I'm tired of the darkness.

Okay...I'm running into a number of her facebook friends who I don't have message links to. Is that something new? I thought you could message anyone unless they'd specifically blocked you...

excellent decision jenn! i'm glad you're finally getting somewhere. i don't often comment because everyone else has said what i would say and i don't necessarily feel i can add anything to the conversation.

i am looking forward to you exposing and getting into PB. keep your chin up. :O)

Hmmm it's not letting you send a message at all to them?

That's exactly what I said. Just told OW's BH that, in fact. "I am done living in darkness." I don't know that you're too late. But either way, at least you will be back in the light. I think I started hallucinating by last night. Seriously. But keep going! You can do it

I had a few like that too. In the privacy settings, you can set it so you only receive messages from friends or friends of friends now, if you want to. Just cross 'em off, and keep going! It'll get back to them.

Letty, I greatly appreciated your comments to me, just FYI!

Finishing up exposure of OW right now (last night I literally was falling asleep between messages until I just decided to listen to my body.)

WH has unblocked me on facebook so I think something got through to him...we'll see!

Oh, one other thing, I noticed on her friends list she has a person with no profile pic called "[herfirstname] Secretive" and another called "[hernickname] Farmer" so...typical wayward?

Good job and keep it going.

Exposure Done! Actually, he hadn't unblocked me, but for some reason I could see a message I'd sent him from ages ago while I was going through my messages.

Now on to plan B. I hope to have everything ready to hand him a letter when he comes to drop off our son tomorrow.

I am feeling good about the progress in my life!