I am about to do something I have never done before .... Post a link about FR to a wayward spouse.

FR = false recovery

Link to FR thread

This is an experiment, Mortimer, and I have hopes you will use the info on the linked thread wisely.
By that I mean, use the info to improve your chances of recovery by avoiding dumb rookie mistakes.
If I see that this thread helps you avoid mistakes, I might continue to share it with other waywards still waiting to come out of their rat hole.


Pay attention to why it has been proven time and time again that a waywards words carry no currency.
Actions alone are the measuring tool we've come to value in marital recovery.

Do not over-intellectualize this.
You know what K.I.S.S. means, don'cha?

There is a PLAN for recovery. Just do it.

Jesus, that FR page is brutal.

I appreciate the link and will go through it more to see any warning signs as to whether or not I'M still in a fog, but I can't help but feel that a WH who *isn't* 100% would glean too much information that would help them lie more.

Like I said, I appreciate it, but I also think that that kind of information might be dangerous.

Also wanted to update that I'm (willingly) losing my two remaining emails in favor of one that will be merged with AI's, and that I've told her mother. In person. THAT, I believe, could have quite possibly been more uncomfortable than an unwanted aenema. But it had to be done.

Off to write a letter to my parents to tell them what kind of monster they raised...

Btw... Mortimer?

Clang clang rattle bing bang
Gonna make my noise all day!
Clang clang rattle bing bang
Gonna make my noise all daaay!

Also, AI and I were talking about computer usage. I don't want to get more detailed than the following, but I write. I want to eventually continue writing, but have some safeguards in place that will assure her that everything is above board.

Suggestions?

Oh good, you're still here! Keep it up!

Telling your parents-in-law and your parents: good job. I salute you!

Writing and computers: do your writing on a computer that is not connected to the internet. No network card, no wireless adapter. Do your internet usage on a computer in the living room (or kitchen) where it will always be seen in the presence of your wife.

Can you and AI get some days away for just you and her, away from the kids and everyone? A little vacation?

Thanks, Markos. I can use her laptop and have her password/disable the Internet.

Brain: we talked about it, and we'd like to, but we don't have the support system, funds, or anyone we trust to take the kids. It'll be years before we can leave our kids with someone for more than a few hours, unfortunately. We never got to have a honeymoon, either.

That's a good solution as long as your wife is comfortable with that.


Find a homeschool group in your area. There are usually some online groups that meet for book sales and/or support meetings. There are also co-op groups you can seek out....

The reason I mention this?

For building a support network!

You can usually find some very responsible, homeschooling, young ladies that will take a day, partial day, etc and baby sit for you. This worked effectively for us throuhgout our marriage. And our daughter (18) has been sitting for a family with 7 children, all still under the age of 12, for 3 years now. Homeschooling circles are a great way to build a support network.

As for overnighters? not as necessary if you are taking some time out while using a sitter.
The remaing hours of UA time will need to come from creative time management.
The most important thing we did; had a consistent bed time for the little ones. We had them tucked in every night by 8:00 and then the evening was our time together. This allows for 2 hours of UA time every night of the week. A nice 4+ hour stretch with a baby sitter once a week.

You can also look into youth programs. All of my kids go to a local youth group at a church not far from our house. DD14 and DD12 go one night, and DD5 goes another while DD14 volunteers to help with the little ones on that night.

That's two hours each of those nights.

Still here.

Working hard at all the ENs and being positive. Got SaA in the mail today, which AI promptly stole. I got a chance to dig in after the kids went to bed. I feel really good about this book. Will make more reading time tomorrow.

Told my parents and my brother about the affair via email, last night. I received their replies this morning/afternoon. Seems that they weren't really that surprised, but that they're also rooting for our marriage. To me, that's a red flag. I must have been more of a [censored] than I thought.

Had a few arguments with AI this weekend. I, in true TRT fashion, exhibited some angry outbursts. I have to control that crap behavior, that's for sure. If ever there was a deal breaker, it's my overbearing need for control. I also should approach situations differently, and stop expecting that AI is going to make ME feel better when I'm down. It's not fair. She's hurting a lot more than I am.

But we had a lot of really great "breakthrough" conversations.

Oh, and my mother in law shoved a bible under my nose tonight. I'm not a prayin' man in the least, but that Proverbs 5 sure does pack a punch. I'll post it later if anyone is interested.

Sleep now.

Anyone have links to advice on controlling sensitivity and outbursts?

Get Dr. Harley's "Lovebusters" it has an excellent chapter on AO.

Also listen to this from Dr. Harley.
Anger Mgmt 101

Another thing that helped me with my AO that Dr. Harley told me "No one makes you have an angry outburst Brain, you have that control"

Awesome. Thank you. I have Love Busters and will take it on right after SAA.

I also found another blog that I forgot about. It's gone now. Again, the sense of freedom that comes with all of this is incredible. I'm actually reading a book I've long wanted to read, but haven't had time for since all of my focus was elsewhere. That, and the fact that I've decided to reread To Kill A Mockingbird, make me feel like I've been missing out on something by being a giant d-bag.

What's the general opinion regarding Atticus Finch's portrayal as the ideal Father/man, on these boards? I've heard pray tell that folks tend to believe that his character is the best example of how an honest man should present himself. I like that idea and have always loved his character.

Well, I've read TKAM a couple of times, and I liked the character overall. But Atticus Finch is a single father, making it alone and raising his children alone as best he can. He's an independent man.

My thinking is that married men need to measure themselves by their wife's ruler. Men and women are very different and see things very differently and see a lot of things that the other misses. When a husband parents in a way that BOTH he and his wife think is a great idea, then he is MUCH more likely to be a good father. Moreover, every child and every family is different. Your children share your DNA and your wife's DNA, as well as a common history with you and your wife. Because of this, nobody on this earth is more uniquely suited to understand your children and successfully help them build character than you and your wife. Your perspective plus your wife's perspective is going to be more suited for your children than just about anything anybody else says.

Kudos on getting the book Surviving an Affair. I see you are DOING and not just TALKING, and that's a good sign.

Okay, that said, now let me take you to task on angry outbursts.

You have no idea what hell your wife goes through when you have an angry outburst. Against her, against your children, even just against a third party or an inanimate object, it probably scares the crud out of her, removes all sense of security, completely obliterates the possibility that she can be in love with you and be fulfilled in your marriage.

Add to that the hell she's experienced from your unfaithfulness and I'm sure you will agree that she does not deserve to go through this again, EVER.

HerPapaBear and his wife have commented that if he had had even ONE angry outburst, disrespectful judgment, or selfish demand during their recovery, that they would not have recovered. There is no way his wife could have stood that after his betrayal.

Marriage Builders is about filling your account in your wife's Love Bank. That cannot be done if you knock holes in the bottom of the bank: love busters. And your wife is only going to become MORE sensitive to those over time as she comes to grips with what has happened.

I'm going to gently suggest we stop talking about Atticus Finch and start talking about therightthing eliminating all angry outbursts in his life for the rest of his life. That'll take you 80% of the way to being a great father.

Dr. Harley writes and talks a LOT about Angry Outbursts. They are serious, and he says they cannot be tolerated in marriage. I'm sure you can see why.

An argument is a nuclear war. There is no way to win; the only way to win is not to play. You have a closet full of nuclear weapons that include demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts, and if there is even the potential that you MIGHT use any one of them, then you and your wife will never negotiate and have a good marriage, and instead you will have a permanent cold war. And every time you set one of these off there will be fallout for what will feel like a thousand years.

When a conflict comes up (and by conflict I mean any difference of opinion!) you have got to make it your highest priority not to use any demands, disrespect, or angry outbursts. They must be avoided AT ALL COSTS. Even if the problem has to remain unsolved for a little while.

Listen to the radio clips that BrainHurts posted, and in fact, become a daily listener of Dr. Harley's show, because he talks about angry outbursts all the time. You will learn that you need to:
* Take full responsibility for your angry outbursts: nobody can make you angry. It's all on you.
* Practice relaxation every day so that you can learn to relax in response to frustration.
* Practice thinking about things that frustrate you while staying relaxed so that you can learn to problem solve instead of blow up.
* Seek out effective professional anger management therapy if you can't stop being angry.

Angry outbursts can and must be completely ELIMINATED. Not just minimized, made infrequent, controlled, hidden, etc. ELIMINATED.

More reading material for you on abuse and control, and angry outbursts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html

Go down the left sidebar and click all the links. 23 articles in all in the "How to Overcome Love Busters" section, most of them are about abuse and control, and angry outbursts. Read them all, even if you think from the title they don't apply directly to you, because there is good information in there that you need anyway.

If you read the first couple chapters of Love Busters, you may learn just how devastating these "breakthrough" conversations were to your wife. It is typical for a love busting husband to feel that he and his wife "finally got somewhere" after an argument in which problems were laid out on the table, while his wife retreats and reels from the pain, bleeding and dying emotionally.

The opening chapter of Love Busters so resembles my early marriage that it is extremely painful to me to read it. I can't imagine what it must do to my wife.

There are ways of getting your problems on the table and resolved together that don't involve arguments. Arguments (nuclear wars) must be avoided AT ALL COSTS. Don't put the problems on the table until you can learn to do it without demands, disrespect, and anger.

What did you two argue about?

Along with markos's excellent article ideas I found some more clips, enjoy.
Radio clip on AO

Radio clip on AO
Radio clip on Dr. Harley's view on anger

Hey, you said what I was thinking.

Listen to Marcos.
He knows what he's talking about.

So wait.. your focus went from blogging and facebook to reading Non-MB material? This helps AL how?

rightthing, i too, had a pretty big online presence. i have a couple of professional blogs, twitter, google+, etc, presented regularly at conferences, wrote, had a huge reading list in my RSS feed, etc. i found most of my life satisfaction from my work. but you know what? i realised that what *should* be most important to me is my marriage. i spent a lot of time at work, and when i was home, doing work-related things online.

i have now stopped almost all of this, and guess what? i don't miss any of it! sure, sometimes i feel sad, when my colleagues are talking of upcoming conferences, and my CV comes to a bit of a standstill; i won't be there to attend the tweetmeet and the like, but the satisfaction i am getting from my marriage by spending my time with my H is MUCH greater. getting satisfaction from acquaintances is nothing compared to getting satisfaction and admiration from the person you love.

i am happy to hear that you are cutting the extraneous stuff from your life and committing to your W. leaving IB behind isn't easy at first, but it gets easier and easier as your pleasure comes from your M.