This is an Islamic country, alcohol is illegal but readily available. I really can't go home, my dad passed 4 years ago and my mom was hit by a car in Dec. 2010 so I really only have my brothers and sisters there but they wouldn't really be in a position to help. I do have support here through my friends and his family, his mom especially. Everytime I exposed him before, she was always with me and she will support my decision to kick him out. Of course she will try to talk me out of it, scream at him and make him feel horrible (good) and try to make it better. I did get the nationality here so he cannot try to ban me from leaving and I've been here so long, 11 years, I feel like this is home. I refuse to take my kids from their home, I refuse to leave my house, I didn't make the choice to destroy our marriage, he did. He should be the one worrying about where to go and how to live.

I'm glad you feel supported, and if you feel that you can stay there and not have to deal with the logistics and legalities of taking the children out of the country, that's good.

But please don't ever say you refuse to leave the home. Who is right and wrong, and who caused the trauma is irrelevant if you are keeping yourself trapped in a terrible situation. Its fine if you feel that staying in the house can be managed to your satisfaction, but not if it is keeping you in a situation of abuse.

PS: I did say that you need to get him out of the house, and you didn't respond to that.

What actions are you prepared to take to end this situation?

If his mom supports you in kicking him out then why don't you?

Do you know what Plan B is? How To Plan B properly

Also please listen to this radio clip of what Dr. Harley says about alcoholics.
Radio clip on alcoholics

Here are some more good shows on how to deal with addictions.
Radio clip on addictions
Segment #2

Thank you for the links, I will go to them now. I am going to kick him out, actually I'm just waiting for my kids to finish their final exams so I told him he has until Monday to find a place to go. I really don't want my kids to have to worry about this during their exams, especially my OS who is 14 and my OD who is 11. They will be done with school on the 5th. I will kick him out. I've had enough.

Good job. Can you get an IM and do a proper Plan B? IM training school

You will tell the kids the truth, correct?

The alcohol and the affairs?

Please make sure your children understand that their father is an alcoholic and adulterer and that it is unsafe for all of you to be around him in that state.

Read up on Plan B. You need to go into solid lock-down mode. You don't want this to devolve into a situation where he calls, the two of you argue, he wheedles and wears you down, and then BANG! he's back home and nothing has changed.

I would immediately file for separation and make sure you and the kids are protected financially.

I would also get his mom on board with you asap. I would hope she has spine enough to refuse to allow him to live with her.

There isn't legal separation here, actually men are legally allowed to have 4 wives...so yeah, that sucks. I have to do this on my own. I will expose to his friends and family, again, but I'm very hesitant when it comes to telling my children. I think that it will damage them forever, yes, I know that what he is doing is what is damaging, but I think just kicking him out without going into detail with my kids is enough, I don't want to have them worry and be depressed more than they will be already. I know you all will disagree with me, but the dynamics here are very different than the in the States. I will tell his family and friends about the alcohol and affairs, but I really don't want to tell my kids everything. I don't see how it helps to tell them at this point. I think if I kick him out and he doesn't change then I should consider telling them everything. If someone could explain why it is needed, I will listen.

Also, are there any links to some sample plan B letters and exposure letters on this site? I can't seem to find any.

Nevermind, I found them!

Is there divorce there? Are you sure there is no way for you to get back to the States before things possibly get more ugly with him? I am worried about you.

Plan B is a good thing, but I'm wondering if you should try to find a way to get out of there first.

Four wives! Oh my . . .

Yes there is divorce here and the system is actually very much on the woman's side as far as alimony and child support. I'm better off here than in the States, because I have this nationality, I am entitled to all the benefits that come with it, including a monthly monetary stipend of around $1300 on top of my salary. I can easily go back to work and make $3000 a month, tax free with the $1300 addition income. The government pays for housing for divorced women if I needed it and so I would be better financially here than back home. As i said, both my parents have passed and my bros and sisters there wouldn't be much support as they have their own issues. I have become used to this country and I also have 1 sister who lives here, although she is leaving to go back home to finish here medical residency, then she will come back. I have every right to divorce and yes, men are allowed to have up to 4 wives but that doesn't mean the wife has to accept it. His mom would never allow me to move out with the kids, she would make him go.

Oh, good. I'm glad to hear that, BM! Sounds like you have a plan in place then, like you are getting strong. Keep posting. I'm thinking of you

Thank you! Now I just have to actually do it.

I know, and you will. And you will feel so much better after you have!

Ok so I wrote him the plan b letter and sent it:

Dear WH,
I love you. With everything I have and everything I am, I love you. I love you more and more with each passing year. I look at our pictures of us in Dubai and in America, of the years of special memories of our family and I know we really were blessed. That's why it is so hard for me to write this to you but I want to keep that love for you so I have to.

I have made mistakes in the past. I learned from them and have tried to protect our marriage and us from any pain. I am not perfect and I know that since I became pregnant with the twins, I haven't been giving you the attention you need, and I'm so sorry for that.

It really saddens my heart to tell you that I cannot stay like this. I cannot keep the love I have for you while you are still talking to OW. I cannot make you choose me and I would think I shouldn't have to, but that's what it has come to.

I asked you to move out when the kids finished exams but I cannot continue seeing you everyday while you are still with her. I'm asking you to leave the house and not have any contact with me. I will pack your stuff tomorrow and you can take it after work. This is the only way for us to save our marriage.

You can contact me only through Q as I have informed them of everything and why I'm making this decision.

After exams are finished, you can pick up our kids anytime you want, but you cannot stay here to see them and I will not be here when you pick them up. You can come on Monday nights to see your mom and I will not be here.

I know you think I am threatening you or trying to punish you but I am not. I want to save our marriage and I will fight for our family. If you want the same then you can come home only after you have proven that you choose us.

In order to come back you have to:

1. end all contact with her for life, send her letter that is written by us both and sent by you

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other

3. complete honesty- phone passwords, everything

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about this affair

6. Make appointment with marriage counselor for us to start going.

7. Go to individual counseling for yourself.

I truly love you WH, more than you realize and now I just have to have faith in our love and in God.

Your wife.

I went to a meeting and when I came home we talked. He said that I tolls him to leave after exams, I said yes but I can't wait that long while you are still talking to her. He said he's not, I proved him wrong and then he tried to say that she is just a close friend, she is older than him and why do I jump to conclusions. I said I don't care how old she is and I think it's a big problem for him to be talking to her as much as they do, going out for coffee and whatever else. He said really she's just a friend. I said I don't like it and it damages our marriage. If she is just a friend why do they talk so often? Why doesn't he talk to her in front of me? Why does he call her late at night? I don't know what to think. He said that he told her they can't be friends anymore because I don't like it. I don't know how to get him to tell me if there was something more. In the end I said that he still has to move out, he needs to think about his priorities. He said ok he will. He said he'll rent a hotel, have room service, I said yeah, and you'll be free to call all of your "friends" anytime you want. He said he'll call me to come to the hotel and laughed. I told him that it's not a joke. I don't know, what if I am blowing this out of proportion?

No you are not blowing anything out of proportion!

You deserve a safe marriage where you are not abused. He has to follow all the EPs for life or this marriage will not be safe for you. He is just gaslighting you. Tell him in order to come home again you will not have a marriage with three people. Do not fall for this wayward talk!

Hugs!!
TinT

STOP THAT. You are NOT blowing this out of proportion! That's exactly what your wayward serial cheating husband wants you to think, that you are crazy and blowing things out of proportion.

What you need to convey to him, which should have been done with your list of EP's but it sounds like in your verbal conversation it was not, is that this is not about THIS OW. This is about him making consistent choices that do not protect your marriage. This is about him having VERY poor boundaries, if boundaries at all, around women of the opposite sex. This is about his multiple AFFAIRS.

Even if he says he will stop talking to her, and goes no contact like the other times, it is not enough. He needs to follow your EP's FOR LIFE. NO FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX FOR LIFE.

Good letter, just a couple of tweaks:
He is to have NO contact with you. Your IM should give you no information about him other than the mechanics of child visitation. Other than that, she is to pass on no further information unless it is to tell you that WH is ready to accept your conditions to return home.


Are you saying you sent the letter? And then you talked to him after that?? Once you send the Plan B letter all communication is to be stopped cold.

Oh crap. I sent the letter and came home and we talked because of the letter, did I mess up? I am just so confused, have very little sleep between thi king about this and taking care of the twins that i think i misunderstood all the different letters to send I know he thinks this is about OW and it is vitally important that he realize it's about his affairs, choices and behavior, period. I don't believe him at all about OW, as he is very vague. I will just pack his things and let him go.