You send the Plan B letter when your WH is out of the house - totally gone. You don't send it while he's at work and then hash it out when he comes home from work. Do you understand how Plan B works? That's when he is out of the house and cannot return.

Well I already gave it to him so now what? Today he seems happy, he is joking with me and trying to hug me goodbye when he left to work. I know he thinks that it will just blow over, that he stopped contact with her and that is it, life will continue as before. I'm so pissed off at myself right now for letting him think this way. Yesterday I sent OW a whatsapp, this is what I said:

I am WH's wife. As you know, and obviously don't care, he IS married and has 6 children. I will do EVERYTHING in my power �to keep my husband and my family together, even if it means telling all of Kuwait what you two are doing. �I am not Kuwaiti, i have no family name or reputation to protect, I only have my children and my husband. I will not let a few months of stupidity on his part destroy almost 18 years together.

She didn't reply and she didn't try to contact him either. Here, there is no 'dating' and such, many divorced women live with their parents, very few have their own place. Just the possibility of being exposed is quite frightening to any woman, unless it is her intent to marry the man but even then it is very bad for her to behave this way. She now thinks I will contact her family and I'm sure she is deathly afraid and I will if I find out who I can contact. I'm waiting for my friend to give me more info about her. Apparently, she is divorced. My WH asked if i called her, i said no, he asked if i sent her a message, i said maybe. He said that it is aab (means something like shameful in Arabic) to call her, she is just a close friend. I said no it's not shameful, what's shameful is some woman calling married man all the time! My WH knows I know know her number but he doesn't know I know her house number. I think that this message may be enough to scare her into not calling him again, hopefully. I talked to his sister and told her everything, she supports me 100% and said I should kick him out. I will tell his oldest brother today as well as his best friend. I'm sure it nipped this "friendship" in the bud but that is just the tip of our problems, something he still doesn't understand.

Now you pack his things, set them on the front stoop and change the locks on the doors of your house. Put a note with his things: "Please understand that I mean this. I cannot be with you while your affair with that woman continues. Please let my IM know if you decided you wish to end the affair and come back to our marriage."

Sure he's happy. He's got two women fighting over him. Remove yourself from that equation.

And PLEASE read up on Plan B! You can't go into Plan B half-assed! You will lose any credibility you have and your WH won't take you seriously - and YOU won't take yourself seriously. Here.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Huge developments. He called me from work and asked why I sent her the message and he was pissed. I asked how he knows and he said she sent to to him and then blocked him on her whatsapp, unfollowed him on instagram and didn't try to contact him at all. We fought on the phone, he said I went overboard, she is just a really good friend and I'm destroying his reputation and insulted her. I said too bad, she shouldn't be talking to a married man and he shouldn't be calling her. After going back and forth, he said he will move out. I said ok and we hung up.

After work he come home and told me that I should apologize to her, that when she read the message she got into an accident, that she is old and he feels about her the same way he does his aunt. I said if that's true, why didn't you tell me that from the beginning, instead of lying and going around the subject. I said I absolutely WILL NOT apologize to her. If she was a real woman and there is nothing to hide she should've replied to my message an explain herself. If there was nothing to hide then he would have told me a long time ago about her or acted the way he did the many times I confronted him. I told him that this is his mistake, not mine. He left the room only to come back a few hours later and tell me again to apologize to her. Again I said no way in hell. Even IF they are just friends, it is inappropriate to talk to each othe all the time and so on. He said she has nothing to do with this, it's not right for me to drag her into our marriage. I said you drug her in, not me. We went on like this for a few hours, basically he is pissed and wants me to apologize, I refuse. He said ok then I will leave, I said fine, if you are not willing to be honest with me about everything in your life, you need to go. He said he does a lot I things I wouldn't approve of, I said like what. He doesn't want to tell me, only wants to try to make feel guilty by saying that I want a separation and that's why I have all my spy gadgets so I can find any little thing to kick him out. I said that's not true. I don't want a separation if you are willing to do the things I ask. After a break, it was getting nasty so I left the room, when I back we went through it again. I said be honest with me and told him this is not about her it's about you not wanting to be honest. I don't care what kind of relationship you have, if you hide it, it's wrong. Then talked about separation, he said if I can't live with him, if he is so bad then it's better to leave. I said you are not bad, I can live with you and we can be fantastic together if you simply do what I ask! He tried to hug me and kiss me, told me he loves me so much and that he will miss me. I hugged him back and said I will miss you too and I'm sorry it has come to this. After more talking, we dtd and for the first time EVER afterwards he knew that I am not going to change my stance. I told him it doesn't change anything and that he still has to be willing to do all I ask in order to save our marriage. He knows that I am standing my ground because usually I would make the mistake of letting him kiss me and tell me he loves me and we make up, it didn't happen this time. I did change the move out date to Monday, as it is better for the kids to finish exams. I am having doubts about myself though, maybe there was really nothing just friendship and I look like a crazy woman messaging her, maybe he is being honest about it and there is nothing going on. He just keeps saying how he loves me and I misunderstood and how poor she is because I accused her of something and basically implied she is a ho. Too freakin bad. I am just very confused right now but I still want him to either agree to follow the rest of my needs or by Monday he will be gone until he does or doesn't decide he wants to. Did any of that make sense? :'(

He has done this over and over again to you. You heard him say on the VAR that he loves her. You are not in the wrong here. DO NOT let him off this time!

You deserve a loving, safe marriage. Being in a safe marriage means that your husband does not do anything to hurt you. Talking, texting, and meeting other women hurts you. You cannot life in a relationship that will hurt you any longer. Your husband needs to get on board with ALL of your EPs (extraordinary precautions) before you will allow him to return to your home. You really shouldn't allow him to return home until his actions have proven that he will no longer hurt you.

If he is telling you to apologize to her, then it means that he is still talking to her and it means that he puts her feelings ahead of yours. You are his wife! He should not be asking you to apologize to her! He should be apologizing to YOU, not accusing you of over-reacting. First things first all contact should have been stopped.

Why is he still talking to her?

TinT

"I put a VAC in his car and heard him saying he loves her."

And on top of that, he is protecting HER feelings instead of yours. Stand your ground!

He said she sent him the message then blocked him, which now that I think of is weird if there is nothing going on. I am really pissed off about the whole demanding an apology thing. Why should I apologize to her?! I said she should apologize to me! Why is she calling my husband all the time? If she doesn't want to be accused of being a tramp, she shouldn't be acting like one! I absolutely will not back down this time and whatever happens, happens. It's scary.

I'm not a vet here like the others so I don't know what to say, but I know you are in the right here. If he got the Plan B letter then you need to get him out, now, before he withdraws what is left of your love bank and you start hating him. You need to protect yourself. There should be no contact with you until he tells the IM that he will abide by the EPs!

Hugs and please take care of yourself,
TinT

Broken

Just wanted to chip in and say I understand where you are and the culture that surrounds you. My mother is Arabic and I visit Jordan to see family on a regular basis so I know what the customs and behaviours are and I am frankly quite shocked that a friendship between a married male and a divorced female isn't frowned upon where you are. My aunt works in a senior position at a national Jordanian newspaper and although she has been divorced for over 20 years she still won't be seen to be associating with any men what so ever because she is petrified of what people will think. I don't get how this woman can justify and be so brazen about her friendship with your WH. And I would point out to your WH that If he does see her as a friend he would be doing her a favour by staying away because he could "tarnish" her reputation. If he's going to incite the aab card so can you. It is very aab for a marrid man to be socialising with a divorced woman!!

And PS I don't think your crazy I definitely think they have been up to no good and this kind of behaviour needs to be stopped right now.

And as far as apologising goes tell him you will never apologise for protecting your marriage.

Seriously still laughing at him saying it's aab. Like telling another woman that he loves her is perfectly normal but telling said woman to leave your family alone all of a sudden he grows some morals. Double standards or what?

NB28,

I know!! That's exactly what I said. I'm the one doing something aab!?! I said "mo aab alay, aab alykoom!!" It is very much frowned upon, so I don't know what the hell she is thinking, of course I would be pissed, this is not America where it is normal to have opposite sex friendships, there are liberal people here and such, but to call a married man, or to answer his call is aab!! He said my message makes her look like a gahaba, I said she makes herself that way by talking to a married man, if she had any self respect she wouldn't allow it! If she is just a friend he wouldn't be so freakin defense and he would not have reacted the way he did when I told him I know he's talking to someone. He said it doesn't mean anything here to say "ahebich" and that I took it the wrong waya, that for Kuwaitits its normal. I don't think so, I've been here 11 years, I understand Arabic, I'm not an idiot. I know the difference the tone of voice and way of speaking between a friend and something more. Right now I don't care how mad he gets at me, I will not believe him and under no circumstances will I ever apologize to someone for defending my marriage and my family. If he can't understand that, then we have much bigger issues than this woman.

Oh,wah wah! Poor widdle adultery partner got into a poor widdle fender bender because she was so cruelly wronged! busted. She needs to yank up her Big Gurl panties and be ready to deal with being busted. Sorry about her insurance rates - NOT
They're not.
Remember this. You'll need this later. He's got to come completely clean for you to allow him to be in your life and recover this marriage. NO MORE SECRETS. If my husband tried that crap on me, he would find himself sitting on the curb in a heartbeat. You are NOT IMAGINING A THING. Do not second-guess yourself. He's playing his last card - to make you feel sorry for his ho and let the status stay quo.

Don't fall for that for a minute.

Remember, too, that he is not used to this 'new you.' You're actually ready to back up what you say with action. He's going to try to manipulate you. He will likely leave and bed down with friends, waiting for you to back off on your conditions. DON'T BACK DOWN. You're in prime position right now.

Have you gotten contact info for her family?

The OW is pressuring him to control you so you don't ruin her reputation and the fantasy romance with all your wifely actions.

He's read the "wayward handbook"

Blame-shifting
Gas-lighting
And making you doubt your sanity

There is a post somewhere on the site that has what the wayward says - and it's true definition. I'll see if I can find it for you. I had actually printed it out and kept it on my dresser. It might be in the "notable posts" section. Lots of great info there!


~RQ

Read these.
Never Take The Word of a Wayward
Craziest Things To Come Out Of A Wayward's Piehole

EXPOSE and go into plan b. asap. your wh is gaslighting you big time. exposure is your (especially yours!) best weapon. use it!

So this morning he asks me again to apologize to her. He said that she has nothing to do with our problem and that my message was really bad. I said I won't apologize for protecting our marriage. He said I can protect it any way I want but I don't have to drag innocent people into it, that she is the one that helps him most in his new position at work, that I am messing with his job. I asked again why she is calling him at 1am, he said he told her to call him. I asked why, he said to just talk because she is his buddy, she is old, she is a poor innocent person that I brought into our problem. I said if there is nothing wrong with the friendship, she would try to explain herself to me and would understand why I would feel this way and he said no, after getting that kind of message she should tell me to eff off and that she shouldn't have to explain anything to me. He said I should've called her and asked instead of making her look so bad in the message. He asked if I wanted to fix this, that I did something stupid and I need to correct it. I said I will not. He lied to me about talking to her when I confronted him and if it was nothing then he wouldn't have, he said it was because I attacked him, not asked. I did not attack. I said I know you're talking to someone, who is she. I asked repeatedly who she is, why didn't he tell me from the beginning if he has nothing to hide, even after ingave you many opportunites to tell me. He again said do you want to fix this or not, I said if fixing it means I send an apology, I will not. He said ok and left for work.

In my view, if I had a close friend from work, first of all my husband would know about it, second of all if his wife send me a similar message I would clarify with her the relationship and apologize if she got the wrong idea. If she is offended, she should be. I don't care if she got into an accident when she read my message, again, if she were a woman with any self respect, she would call me and try to explain the situation instead of telling my H that she got into an accident and that she is hurt that I questioned her honor by the words I chose to use. Now I don't know, what if there really isn't anything going on, that she is just a friend? How can I believe him when he has lied to me up until now? I asked him how he expects me to believe him, he said this is the first time he is asking me to apologize, as the other times i sent similar messages to previous OW, he didn't care but this time she really is innocent and it's his fault for lying but she is really just a close friend and I made a big mistake. My question is, how will I know if that is true?

broken Mama,

You believe your gut instinct, facts and you believe in the logic of the situation.
Although my mum is Arabic I am Italian and live in London, so I'm not a a conservative Arabic person but I fully understand the couture. He is 100% up to no good with this woman. If he was being friendly he would say things like 'habibty' (meaning my love and said to friends and family. He would not way in a million years the word he used to tell her he loves her. The word 'ahibich' Is strictly used by lovers or married people NOT friends. If any work colleague ever said that to my aunt she would slap him right across the face because it would be very very inappropriate.

Your going to have to play him at his own game, if he says he is stressed at work because she used to help him, reply- no problem i am more than happy to tell your boss what has been going on between you and this OW and I'm sure he won't hesitate to give you a different helper.

If he says you should apologise reply - if he is can convince your friends and family and his family that what he said and did is innocent after you let them near the recording then your will consider it.

He is gaslighting you and I am worried he is wearing you down when you and I both know that there is something highly inappropriate about this friendship. I seriously wonder what he would have done and if he would have given you any benefit of the doubt had he heard you saying ahibak to another man.

Brainhurts, that was EXACTLY what I was looking for LOL, Thanks!

BrokenMama, I read your last post and it was like deja vu. My WH told be just about all of the same crap.

Heard this, and it's BS. A marriage cannot be worked on with 3 people in it. Demand NC for life with her



She's sooo innocent, she has no problem messing with your family and jeopardizing his job. And he is also jeopardizing his job by messing with the skank. The fault lays on them alone!!




Blah, blah, bull crap bullcrap - all foggy babble. My WH had many,many,many did I mention many phone calls and texts all hours of the night to his skank and she was "just a friend"



She's not gonna call you because she is messing with your man. And if you do get her on the phone she will lie her trampy a$$ off. been there, done that!



Trust your gut and don't believe a word he says!!! She is not just a friend. Get spyware on the phone, get the proof that you need (if you feel you really need it) and expose.MY WH turned things around on me too, so that I questioned my instincts and let things go for too long. Don't make my mistake!
Sorry to sound so harsh here, but your post was a major trigger for me because it sounds just like how my WH's affair started. 2 months later, it became a PA.