Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
WW's mum spoke to her over the phone but I do not know what they spoke about.

After a long talk with a close friend of ours, WW now has agreed to give our marriage a month to see if we can salvage anything and though she agreed in principle to cut contact with OM for this month I don't know if I can trust her on this. I know in her mind she had actually made up her mind to leave us even though it is tough for her to do so.

I just cannot understand why she is willing to risk everything we have for something that is not concrete. I can't understand why she can't see that she and OM may not work out as well and she would have lost everything.

With the help of the friend, I manage to know who OM is and he is single and they have been talking daily for the last 8 months meeting only on the 2 occasions she was back in her hometown.

The friend let me in on a plan that WW and friend discussed about getting a PI on the OM to prove that he is not serious about her. Do u guys think it's a workable idea?



Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
X
Member
Offline
Member
X
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
The affair took place in Sg or Th?

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Qwer
@maritalbliss

Yes I did tell her that our daughter stays and I'll be taking care of her. She begged me to maintain contact with DD but I said I don't know

This is great Q. Show WW the "reality" of her own choices. I googled child custody in Singapore and it says that you can file an order to stop your WW from taking your DD out of the country. Let your WW know that you will file that order. Take possession of your DD passport beforehand.

Also take measures to secure your finances from WW if you have not already done that. How is she planning on financing her abandonment? Of course, you will NOT be helping her with that one.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
The affair took place in TH.

Definitely I will not be financing her abandonment. She will have to figure that out herself. Maybe OM will help her on that. I keep my finances separate from her all this while and she has no access to it.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Qwer
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.

Q. Are you living in Singapore? Did you say WW wanted to move back to Thailand?

That is why I suggested filing the order to stop WW from taking DD out of the country.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by Qwer
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.

Q. Are you living in Singapore? Did you say WW wanted to move back to Thailand?

That is why I suggested filing the order to stop WW from taking DD out of the country.


Yes we are living in Singapore and she is planning to move back to Thailand to be with OM. I had already took possession of DD's passport and birth papers.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.
What you're looking at is an addict. What you want to do with your addict is up to you. You can end this marriage, yes. Is that what you want?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.

Read this about withdrawal. Maritalbliss is right your WW is an addict.

Originally Posted by Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful.

Q. You need to expose OM to his parents and friends. Ask them to help keep him away from your wife and your heartbroken 3 year old daughter. I would bet they have no idea he is destroying an innocent family.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
What you see is just withdrawal. It shall pass.


Amada... no tengo duda; no es la misma Luna!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Fernan
What you see is just withdrawal. It shall pass.
"Just withdrawal that will pass" ??

What's your story, Fernan?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.
What you're looking at is an addict. What you want to do with your addict is up to you. You can end this marriage, yes. Is that what you want?


No of course I would want to salvage this marriage but it's really painful for us all. I keep wondering if it's worthwhile to try and keep someone whose heart is not with us anymore. I keep having thoughts that maybe I should just let her go and hope that she will realize what she is missing.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Well, what concerns me is that she was placing a priority on making herself look beautiful even before the affair. Sounds like she was looking for something different for some time.

She might have a wayward mindset even outside of her current affair.

If you are able to kill this affair--and that is your first order of business--you will need to set strict guidelines for recover including no contact for life with the other man, no friendships with the opposite sex, no secrecy on her part (including passwords, secret accounts, locked cell phones, etc.), and you will have to spend hours of undivided time together each week.

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Well, what concerns me is that she was placing a priority on making herself look beautiful even before the affair. Sounds like she was looking for something different for some time.

She might have a wayward mindset even outside of her current affair.

If you are able to kill this affair--and that is your first order of business--you will need to set strict guidelines for recover including no contact for life with the other man, no friendships with the opposite sex, no secrecy on her part (including passwords, secret accounts, locked cell phones, etc.), and you will have to spend hours of undivided time together each week.


Unfortunately your analysis seems to be rather accurate.

She was unhappy that I spent too much time at work and too little time with her to the point where she felt neglected. Which I did not realize earlier. I regret it so much now.

Now I am only concentrating on fighting to keep the love of my life. If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Originally Posted by Qwer
If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.

Don't wait ... do it now. Make the changes in you now ... adultery is the nuclear bomb that hits, but cleaning up begins with you first. She has to put herself back together.


Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by PrayIncessantly
Originally Posted by Qwer
If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.

Don't wait ... do it now. Make the changes in you now ... adultery is the nuclear bomb that hits, but cleaning up begins with you first. She has to put herself back together.


Yes I am definitely trying to change myself. I am trying to let her see how important she is to me. I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.

OBLITERATE her adultery by a full on EXPOSURE to everyone and anyone. Get your lawyer to send him a letter stating you will sue him for emotional distress ... fight for your WW ... that is what she wants.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Qwer
Yes I am definitely trying to change myself. I am trying to let her see how important she is to me. I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.
Do you have the Intel yet on the OM?

I would concentrate on blowing up the affair by exposing.

Work on yourself now while you're in Plan A and she says she will give it 30 days.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Dear brothers and sisters of MB,

Something amazing happened. WW was messaging again on the phone last night and she broke down shortly after. I left her alone after asking her if she's alright. I was lying on the bed and after she regained her composure she came over to me kissed me and cuddled up to me and slept.

In the morning (we are on Singapore time btw), she called her family and told them that she's staying. Then she turned to me and said she'll not leave me and DD.

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Also thank you all brothers and sisters for the support through the darkest days of my life so far!


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Qwer
Dear brothers and sisters of MB,

Something amazing happened. WW was messaging again on the phone last night and she broke down shortly after. I left her alone after asking her if she's alright. I was lying on the bed and after she regained her composure she came over to me kissed me and cuddled up to me and slept.

In the morning (we are on Singapore time btw), she called her family and told them that she's staying. Then she turned to me and said she'll not leave me and DD.

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Also thank you all brothers and sisters for the support through the darkest days of my life so far!
Be very careful. It sounds like she's had a moment of clarity. Seize this - has the A been exposed?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5