Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Qwer Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:12 PM
Hi all MB veterans,

My wife is having an affair and after I confronted her 2 weeks ago she gave me hopes that our marriage could be salvaged. We were loving and went for dates though I can see sometimes she was feeling down but she still tried to put up a brave front for me.

I know she still loves me and our 3 year old daughter. But she is too caught up in the EA that now she has decided to leave us. When she told me that she decided, I left the house. She was crying real bad and I know it also pains her but it's her own doing.

I love her very much and I still do and I willing to forgive her. I can not bear to put our young daughter thru this. Can anyone please tell me is there any way our marriage can still be salvaged? What should I do?

Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:37 PM
Welcome to MB .. sorry you find yourself in this place. Yes your marriage CAN be saved .. you have great hope .. especailly if your wife wants to work on it. There is a fine line to walk on the road to recovery.

First off .. how old are you? how many kids? when was Dday? have you exposed to anyone? (exposure is the biggest tool to kill an affair) Do you know who the POSOM is? have you exposed to his family? HAve you done any snooping? IE: keylogger on PC .. VAR in car .. etc?

I would get the book Surviving an affair. The tools here give you the BEST chance at recovery. DO NOT waste your money on counseling they will only facilitate your divorce and help you go with "what ever you feel is best" .the vets will be along shortly to guide you along this path better.

If you can find out who OM is ... copy all your wifes FB contacts to a word file .. ASAP. Read up on PLAN A and prepare for PLAN B. YOu got alot of work head of you but you CAN do it.

MNG
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:37 PM
REad up on Plan A and move home immediately.

Gather the evidence you need (see operation investigate if needed)

EXPOSE .... EXPOSE .... EXPOSE

Plan A like a rock star now ... do not (NEVER) discuss separation/divorce. Kill her with kindness and absolutely no lovebusters.

Become the man she fell in love with ... be a rock star dad

Keep reading and posting!!!!
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:41 PM

Hi Q.

Are you saying that your wife abandoned you and your daughter? Where did she go?

Who have you exposed to?

You have found a safe place here where there any many great people to help you.
Posted By: bitbucket Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:45 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I know she still loves me and our 3 year old daughter. But she is too caught up in the EA that now she has decided to leave us. When she told me that she decided, I left the house.

Do not leave your house! Move back, today! Do not ask permission...do not tell her you're coming back...just move home, into the marital bed! If she has a problem with it, she can be the one to sleep on the couch or guest room.

If she does leave the house, do not let her take your daughter with her. The only way the child leaves with WW is if she produces a court order.

Find out who OM is. Pay him a visit and tell him to buzz off. Take some friends with you to keep you from doing anything you'll regret later.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:47 PM
Your wife is high on her addiction (the OM) she will most likely bounce back and forth and try and have her needs met by BOTH of you as this plays out. YOu HAVE To kill this affair in order to move forward.

Affairs are JUST like addictions. How do you kill an addiction? by stopping cold turkey. How do you stop cold turkey? by telling everyone and painting it up to be a nightmare for them instead of a fairy tale happy ending like they are creating in their minds. Once the affair is exposed it puts pressure on OM and that usually runs him off. OM are usually wussies that flee as soon as his piece of tail gives him grief.(he is leading up to PA and if your wife told you it was an EA its is MOST likely ALREADY a PA). Gather your evidence .. and be MR.Cool while you do.

Read this ... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html and follow all the links after it.

MNG
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:48 PM
Thank you all for responding.

I am 32 years old. We have 1 3 year old daughter. D day was 20th May 2012.

I do not know who the OM is. She refuse to divulge anything. I just confronted her based on my gut feel and she admitted that she is having an EA.

After D day I proceeded with Plan A. But she told me today she chooses to leave us for OM.

She is home with daughter. It is me who left the house. Please help!
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:49 PM
Originally Posted by bitbucket
Do not leave your house! Move back, today! Do not ask permission...do not tell her you're coming back...just move home, into the marital bed! If she has a problem with it, she can be the one to sleep on the couch or guest room.

Exaclty .. if you leave .. and this goes sour. The courts can and will say you abandoned them. GO HOME! STAY THERE! and DO NOT WALK ON EGGSHELLS. Be nice .. and pleasant .. but not a door mat ok?
Posted By: bitbucket Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:49 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
It is me who left the house. Please help!

See above. When are you going home?
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:51 PM
If she tells you its EA only .. SHE LIES! shes in the fog. Get some snooping done ASAP. read all you can here starting with the basics... and the other link i provided about affairs.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:52 PM
Yes she has already admitted it is a PA.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:53 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She is home with daughter. It is me who left the house. Please help!

Just GO home (my step dad made this mistake and stayed out too long then mother in law changed all the locks and called the police on him saying he is abusive so get home before that happens) ... its your home too. police will not do anything. If she doesnt like it .. SHE LEAVES .. WITHOUT the daughter. BE FIRM in this ... and only talk marriage.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:55 PM
I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:55 PM
logon to facebook ... and copy all her friends to a note pad or word file .. he is proably on there. ONce you get home .. you can then get some spyware on the PC and find out... check the phone records.. and lok for a common number one that you dont recognize. thats probably him...

Does your wife work? more often than not .. its a co-worker.... think about thigs and places she spends alot of time at .. THATS where he is.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:56 PM
You DONT do plan B until you have done a PLAN a for several months. GO HOME! .. its imperative that you get home before she calls the cops on you and says your crazy.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:57 PM
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html - what is plan A and PLan B
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:57 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She is home with daughter. It is me who left the house. Please help!

Go back home. Leaving your home allows your WW to move the affair into your own home and exposes your DD to OM. It also now looks like YOU abandoned your family.

Tell WW you made a mistake and have decided not to leave your own home. If she wants to leave then "she" can leave but DD and you stay in the home.

Read this:

Men don't leave your home
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 09:58 PM
All I know about the OM is he is not around us. He is someone wife met with she was back in her hometown. My wife works and she rarely spend time away from the home. I send and fetch her to/from work everyday.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:01 PM
She won't be able to move affair back home. My parents stays with us. I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:01 PM
Well .. she communicates with him somehow ... you wont be able to find out while your not living in your OWN home .. that is number 1. just go home today ... and dont worry about your wifes reaction to it. IF she wants to call the cops after she finds you in there .. let her. They will see you live there .. and your the dad to your DD .. and they will have nothing to stand on to remove you. As long as your calm .. and dont feed into her crap if she has an emotional outburst at you to try and get you to leave.
Posted By: Gamma Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:02 PM
Qwer,

All I know about the OM is he is not around us. He is someone wife met with she was back in her hometown.

I can't say for certain, but if I were a betting man, I would give you 75% odds it is an old boyfriend or ex-spouse. You likely already heard his name. Think back.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:07 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.

Q. You have the steps in the wrong order. Here is what you must do.

1. Move home.
2. Install spyware on computer and phones to find OM identity.
3. EXPOSE to bring the ugly affair into the light and kill it.

All the while you continue Plan A. This is your marriage and family here...put your fears aside...MOVE HOME.

Originally Posted by Qwer
I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.

But she hasn't left...you did.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:08 PM
Sorry if I left out some details.. I am in a confused state of mind now.

Basically, my wife is from out of town. She does not have anywhere else to go when I tried to throw her out. So she begged me to let her stay till she finds alternative accommodation.

I can't stand the thought of living with her anymore after she said she chose to leave. So I told her I will be out and let her arrange her alternatives and I will only go back when she isn't there anymore.

Have I busted any chance of salvaging our marriage? I'm suffering now!!
Posted By: Gamma Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:11 PM
Qwer,

Have I busted any chance of salvaging our marriage? I'm suffering now!!

No you have not, you need to find OM expose him to everyone that matters in his life, especially his wife, he will then drop your WW like a hot potato, and she may come back to you, but you MUST ACT NOW.

You need to destroy the fantasy playing in her head.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:15 PM
I have tried but I really could not find out who OM is. So I proceed with Plan A. But she told me she's chosen him.

Would I lose all respect and dignity by going back?

She also said she is likely to leave by Monday
Posted By: writer1 Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:18 PM
Qwer,

Listen to what everyone is telling you and move back home, NOW. Even if you can't stand to be around your WW right now, I'm sure you still love your daughter. Your leaving the home is going to look as though you are abandoning your child. If this does proceed to a divorce, it will make it much more difficult to get custody of your daughter. You are jeopardizing your relationship with your child by leaving. This will not look good to the courts at all.

I know you're suffering. But imagine how much worse it will be if you lose custody of your daughter and she ends up being raised by your WW and her loser OM. Is that really what you want?

WW's threaten to leave all the time. I know I did. I didn't leave. Every time I threatened to, my poor BH just nodded and smiled and went on as usual. This went on for 6 months before I finally pulled my head out of my [censored] and realized what I was doing to my family. My BH didn't have MB to come to. He didn't expose the A at all, which probably would have ended it much sooner.

People here are experts in ending A's and recovering marriages. Listen to them. But the first thing you need to do is move back home, and you need to do it yesterday!
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:18 PM
tell her she can leave but DD stays ... tell her she is welcome back once she is ready to follow your plan. (you will learn this plan from MB).
You gotta find out who he is ... search the phone records for a number that tons of texts go to or phone calls you dont recognize.... look on her FB account at all her male friends.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:22 PM
I should really move back but what should I say to her?

Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:24 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I should really move back but what should I say to her?

"Honey .. I'm Home! .... Whats for dinnner?" smile .. and give her a hug( if she lets you) and carry on like all you needed was a short break from the house to recollect yourself.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:26 PM
Also if she leaves is it plan B?
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:26 PM
I should really move back but what should I say to her?

"I'm home! Daddy's home!"
Posted By: Gamma Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:29 PM
Qwer,

Very good chance OM is married and will NOT LEAVE HIS WIFE, another great reason for being home is you can find out who OM is, you can't do that where you are now.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:30 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Also if she leaves is it plan B?

NOpe PLAN a and PLAN b are for you.

You can not force anyone to do anyhting ... if she leaves (kids stay no matter what) .. thats her loss. let her know that .. tellher you know of a great way to make your marraige awesome .. but it wont work if she leaves.
Posted By: Gamma Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:32 PM
Qwer,

Also likely someone in her family in her hometown knows this OMs name, have you spoken with her family members?

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:33 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
All I know about the OM is he is not around us. He is someone wife met with she was back in her hometown. My wife works and she rarely spend time away from the home. I send and fetch her to/from work everyday.

Qwer ... if you don't man up and take control of your life ... you will be divorced with OM moving into your bed, raising your child, and living with 30% of your salary.

Your WW has taken you for a fool ...

Move back into your home. Cut her off financially. Take control of this situation. If this is someone from her old town then you best be finding some old friends of hers (likely all on her Facebook page).

Watch her like a hawk ... plant little bombs into her life with information ... i.e. how much OM will have to pay for her because you will seek sole custody, alimony, and child support from her.

This is no time for weakness ... BE THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE ... save your WW and your daughter.

Otherwise hand over your life to this low life POSOM (who are often very dangerous BTW). He is about to destroy you.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:35 PM


Q. The key here is to be cool, calm, and collected like James Bond. Put yourself into character and move back home now.

Expect WW to be furious and be prepared for it. You just blew her plans to replace you with OM. She will try to manipulate you with anger and threats. All you should hear is blah blah. Do not engage in her anger. I will be surprised if she moves out...but don't let her take DD if she makes this unlikely choice.

Cool and calm. Move home. That is your first step.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:44 PM
This is too emotionally draining. I feel like I can't take it anymore
Posted By: writer1 Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:49 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
This is too emotionally draining. I feel like I can't take it anymore

Of course you can. You have no choice. You have to do it for the sake of your precious daughter.

So take a deep breath and jump back in.

Remember, your wife is an alien right now. You won't recognize her and most everything that comes out of her mouth will be nonsensical hot air. So don't listen to any of it.

Just go back home. Read everything on this site, especially the stuff pertaining to an A. Order the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:50 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.

You should not be in Plan B. Why would move out and abandon your family in their time of need? crazy Do you want her to move the OM into your home to take your place? That is what will happen if you don't go home.

GO HOME and find out WHO the OM is. Find out who he is by spying on her. Then come back here and we will give you next steps.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/01/12 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
This is too emotionally draining. I feel like I can't take it anymore

You are going to have to face it head on or it will be much worse. Do you want the OM to move in and replace you? Because that is what is going to happen unless you go home and take care of your family.

Most judges FROWN on a husband who abandons his family. You shouldn't leave yourself at a legal and moral disadvantage. Your marriage is under assault, you had better get home and defend it!
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 12:16 AM
She is ignoring me. How can I do plan A?
Posted By: Viper Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 12:18 AM
Are you home yet?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:12 AM
Yes I'm home. She is adamant that she is leaving to be with OM. I'm losing hope.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:17 AM
I have also told her family about the affair
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:27 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Yes I'm home. She is adamant that she is leaving to be with OM. I'm losing hope.


Great job Q!weightlifter

If WW is adamant about leaving you for OM, then why won't she tell you who he is. That doesn't make sense.

Ignore the fogbabble Q and get to work on setting up keyloggers etc.

Cool and calm. Don't let WW draw you into a fight. Cool and calm.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:31 AM
She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:40 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I have also told her family about the affair

Did you ask them for their support in helping you to keep your family together? What did they say when you exposed?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:40 AM
I am really tired and battle weary. I don't know how long I can take this anymore.

How did u guys manage to do this? How did u guys manage the heart pain?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:43 AM
Yes they do support me and they could not believe it. We have always been a loving couple.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:47 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am really tired and battle weary. I don't know how long I can take this anymore.

How did u guys manage to do this? How did u guys manage the heart pain?

It was the fight of my life to keep my family together. I looked into my kids eyes for strength. My kids gave me the strength.

Posted By: helpthelostdads Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 02:59 AM
Make it clear to her that your daughter isn't going anywhere.

The way you save things is basically by not making her departure easy. Let her know that if she leaves that you will file for abandonment, will request sole physical and legal custody of your daughter, and will make her pay child support.

(You won't get all of that, but you demonstrate to her that you are willing to fight for your marriage and aren't going to just lay down and let her walk out without a fight.)

You then tell her that the marriage can be rebuilt and that you're happy to make it happen with her, but that there will be no friendship between you if she leaves.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:00 AM
I don't know if I can do this. She is so adamant
Posted By: helpthelostdads Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:10 AM
Also, don't be weepy, whiny, or desperate. That is not attractive. Be James Bond. Be cool, calm and collected, as if you're a man who has a plan and is determined.

I say this as a man who has been in your shoes and did the opposite.

Your actions will all tick her off, BTW. Any disruption of her affair will upset her. Think of it as taking the crack pipe from an addict. The addict doesn't just say, "thanks!"

Posted By: helpthelostdads Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:12 AM
There are no guarantees that you'll be able to save the marriage. I can guarantee that you won't be able to if you don't kill the affair, which begins with exposure. Find out who OM is and expose to his wife or GF. Odds are high he has one.

Give us some more details of your situation. Is she planning to leave with your daughter? Has she filed anything legal?
Posted By: Letty Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:15 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I don't know if I can do this. She is so adamant

Q, if she were so adamant, she would be gone. you are in a good position. please take the advice from the other BHs here - they know what they're talking about.

now that you're home, get going on investigation! surely your wife has facebook? goodness knows, everyone else does. you'll probably find everything you need re OM there.

but...can i add: do NOT enable her affair. if she is so adamant, she can go now! don't allow her to wait out the time, until he is ready, in your home. it is very likely he is married and stringing your WW along. cut off her finances, her internet, her phone (once you have your evidence that is) and let her cope with handling her adultery herself! you only do marriage, and marriage does not include adultery partners.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:28 AM
Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
There are no guarantees that you'll be able to save the marriage. I can guarantee that you won't be able to if you don't kill the affair, which begins with exposure. Find out who OM is and expose to his wife or GF. Odds are high he has one.

Give us some more details of your situation. Is she planning to leave with your daughter? Has she filed anything legal?


She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

No she has not filed anything legal yet. She has no knowledge of how to go about it. So if she really leaves, shall I file anything? Or wait for her to figure out.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:38 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

Don't believe this Q. She is setting you up. You can count on WW setting up a new home with OM and then coming back for DD.

Count on it.

See a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself and your daughter.

Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:43 AM
Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by Qwer
She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

Don't believe this Q. She is setting you up. You can count on WW setting up a new home with OM and then coming back for DD.

Count on it.

See a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself and your daughter.


When should I start seeing a lawyer? ASAP or when she leaves.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:44 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.

Ask her if she wants a ham sandwich! smile
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:46 AM
Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Find out who OM is and expose to his wife or GF. Odds are high he has one.

I agree that OM is most likely married. That is why WW won't tell you who he is. WW and OM are hoping to both get divorced first and then make it look like they got together AFTER their marriages were over.

Exposure will kill this fantasy bubble.

I can't say this enough Q. Your WW is NOT going to give up DD. She will be back to get DD from you. You need to be really smart here. Get some legal advice.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 03:53 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
When should I start seeing a lawyer? ASAP or when she leaves.

Talk to a lawyer about your rights over your DD and custody now. Also find out how to protect your finances in the event of a separation. Educate yourself about this now in case you need it.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:25 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.
I don't think you're ready for Plan B, friend. MOVE BACK INTO YOUR HOME. Just go through the front door, pick your baby girl up and give her a kiss, and sing out to your WW "Hi, I'm home!" She'll be livid. Stay calm and don't let her get you riled up. Let her know that you are home and don't plan to leave.

You are now in Plan A. Be at your best. Let her know that she can't continue to live in your home with your daughter while she conducts her nasty affair. Tell her she needs to end that nastiness.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:33 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She won't be able to move affair back home. My parents stays with us. I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.
You can do Plan A while she's there. Do you understand what Plan A is?

Have you told her that, while you can't physically restrain her from leaving, your daughter will not be going with her if she wants to run off to OM?

This is very important, Q. You absolutely cannot let your little girl be in the company of some man who has no qualms about destroying a marriage. You don't know this guy. He could be more interested in your daughter than he is in your wife. puke Sad, but true. Please protect your daughter.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:40 AM
Quote
She does not have anywhere else to go when I tried to throw her out.
That tells me that OM is married or living with his parents. Otherwise, she would have moved out and run straight to him.

THINK. Who does she work with? Have you checked her Facebook?

This guy sounds married.

Don't you dare move out of your home. Tell her that she needs to leave if she is unwilling to end the affair - and your daughter stays with you.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:41 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.
Did you tell her that your daughter is not going with her?
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:45 AM
Quote
She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

No she has not filed anything legal yet. She has no knowledge of how to go about it. So if she really leaves, shall I file anything? Or wait for her to figure out.
I would suggest that you file for separation the second she leaves. Get a good lawyer and let her see some of the reality of what she is doing.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:15 AM
I figure that I probably have until the end of the month before she leaves.

What should I be doing in Plan A? How should I behave? What should I do or say?

Please help me. I want to leave a good impression that I am superior in every aspect such that she will finally realize what she will be missing!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:18 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I figure that I probably have until the end of the month before she leaves.

What should I be doing in Plan A? How should I behave? What should I do or say?
Please help me. I want to leave a good impression that I am superior in every aspect such that she will finally realize what she will be missing!
You've seen this, correct? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

What are her top ENs?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:21 AM
@maritalbliss

Yes I did tell her that our daughter stays and I'll be taking care of her. She begged me to maintain contact with DD but I said I don't know
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:28 AM
@brainhurts

Yes I've read thru most of the posts and articles. I would put her top ENs as financial and Companionship. We used to talked about everything under the sun and after DD was born we kinda drifted apart due to everyday stresses and we talked lesser and lesser.

She has also started to become more materialistic over the years always looking to spend money on herself to look good.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:30 AM
Whatever happens, I really want to say a big thank you to all of u out there..

You guys have been the most wonderful bunch, helping me and supporting me. I find it so tough to talk to anyone.

Thank you.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:34 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
@brainhurts

Yes I've read thru most of the posts and articles. I would put her top ENs as financial and Companionship. We used to talked about everything under the sun and after DD was born we kinda drifted apart due to everyday stresses and we talked lesser and lesser.

She has also started to become more materialistic over the years always looking to spend money on herself to look good.
So you finance everything?

This will be a huge ace in your pocket if you have to go to Plan B.

You tell her "there will be no contact between you and her if she doesn't end her affair and you go to divorce. Make sure she knows you won't be friends.

RC is one of her top EN? So how can you meet this? Take her out on dates? Woo her like when you were dating?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:23 AM
Yes I finance most of the stuff. She doesn't earn much and do not really contribute to the household expenses.

We did go out on a few dates over the past 2 weeks. In fact we even did an elaborate celebration of our 5th anniversary only for her to tell me now that she wants to chose OM.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:36 AM
Hello Qwer,

Welcome to MB. It's gonna get slow here overnight so while you're here you should research or reread the "Basic Concepts" and perhaps look through the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the Notable Posts forum.

BTW...Lots of WW's "choose" OM but then change their minds the next day or realize the OM is done with them and after a few days/weeks of withdrawal they don't actually go anywhere (especially if you take away any notion and/or indication you'll help fund such move).

What state are you in?

Mr. Wondering

Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:48 AM
I don't know what state I'm in. All I know is I love her and I do not want to put our DD thru this.

I am in a confused state of mind wavering between giving up and fighting for her. I am tired and battle weary. I am just a total mess and suffering in a great deal of heart pain
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:54 AM
lol...no, sorry. I meant what State do you reside in. Before you went running around placing listening devices or anything I wanted to make sure you were in a one party eavesdropping state from a legal point of view.

Are you even in the US????

Mr. W
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:55 AM
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 07:07 AM
wow...that's a long way away. Most here are in the US and it's 3 am EST and I'm going to bed. What time is it there right now?

Also...isn't Singapore a patriarchal society...meaning, generally men get custody of their kids in divorce situations?

Mr. Wondering
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 07:09 AM
It's 3pm here.

The court will decide who can take better care of the child
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 04:19 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
All I know is I love her and I do not want to put our DD thru this.

I am in a confused state of mind wavering between giving up and fighting for her. I am tired and battle weary. I am just a total mess and suffering in a great deal of heart pain

Q. I understand how you feel. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up...only that will not make you feel any better either. It will leave you with a broken family and the constant nagging fact that you quit without truly fighting.

Here is an excellent post from Pepperband on Plan A:

Originally Posted by Pepperband
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Even if your WW is ignoring you, you can still do these things. She will try not to see it...but she will.

Find out the identity of OM. WW is communicating with him somehow.

Are WW parents going to talk to WW and tell her to stop ripping her family's life apart? I know if my own daughter was doing this, I would have something to say to her.

Stay strong Q. Cool and calm.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:48 PM
WW's mum spoke to her over the phone but I do not know what they spoke about.

After a long talk with a close friend of ours, WW now has agreed to give our marriage a month to see if we can salvage anything and though she agreed in principle to cut contact with OM for this month I don't know if I can trust her on this. I know in her mind she had actually made up her mind to leave us even though it is tough for her to do so.

I just cannot understand why she is willing to risk everything we have for something that is not concrete. I can't understand why she can't see that she and OM may not work out as well and she would have lost everything.

With the help of the friend, I manage to know who OM is and he is single and they have been talking daily for the last 8 months meeting only on the 2 occasions she was back in her hometown.

The friend let me in on a plan that WW and friend discussed about getting a PI on the OM to prove that he is not serious about her. Do u guys think it's a workable idea?

Posted By: xtremepain Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:54 PM
The affair took place in Sg or Th?
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:55 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
@maritalbliss

Yes I did tell her that our daughter stays and I'll be taking care of her. She begged me to maintain contact with DD but I said I don't know

This is great Q. Show WW the "reality" of her own choices. I googled child custody in Singapore and it says that you can file an order to stop your WW from taking your DD out of the country. Let your WW know that you will file that order. Take possession of your DD passport beforehand.

Also take measures to secure your finances from WW if you have not already done that. How is she planning on financing her abandonment? Of course, you will NOT be helping her with that one.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 05:58 PM
The affair took place in TH.

Definitely I will not be financing her abandonment. She will have to figure that out herself. Maybe OM will help her on that. I keep my finances separate from her all this while and she has no access to it.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:10 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.

Q. Are you living in Singapore? Did you say WW wanted to move back to Thailand?

That is why I suggested filing the order to stop WW from taking DD out of the country.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/02/12 06:14 PM
Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by Qwer
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.

Q. Are you living in Singapore? Did you say WW wanted to move back to Thailand?

That is why I suggested filing the order to stop WW from taking DD out of the country.


Yes we are living in Singapore and she is planning to move back to Thailand to be with OM. I had already took possession of DD's passport and birth papers.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 01:32 AM
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 01:35 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.
What you're looking at is an addict. What you want to do with your addict is up to you. You can end this marriage, yes. Is that what you want?
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 01:44 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.

Read this about withdrawal. Maritalbliss is right your WW is an addict.

Originally Posted by Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful.

Q. You need to expose OM to his parents and friends. Ask them to help keep him away from your wife and your heartbroken 3 year old daughter. I would bet they have no idea he is destroying an innocent family.
Posted By: Fernan Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 01:59 AM
What you see is just withdrawal. It shall pass.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 02:13 AM
Originally Posted by Fernan
What you see is just withdrawal. It shall pass.
"Just withdrawal that will pass" ??

What's your story, Fernan?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 03:33 AM
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by Qwer
It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.
What you're looking at is an addict. What you want to do with your addict is up to you. You can end this marriage, yes. Is that what you want?


No of course I would want to salvage this marriage but it's really painful for us all. I keep wondering if it's worthwhile to try and keep someone whose heart is not with us anymore. I keep having thoughts that maybe I should just let her go and hope that she will realize what she is missing.
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 05:17 AM
Well, what concerns me is that she was placing a priority on making herself look beautiful even before the affair. Sounds like she was looking for something different for some time.

She might have a wayward mindset even outside of her current affair.

If you are able to kill this affair--and that is your first order of business--you will need to set strict guidelines for recover including no contact for life with the other man, no friendships with the opposite sex, no secrecy on her part (including passwords, secret accounts, locked cell phones, etc.), and you will have to spend hours of undivided time together each week.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 09:06 AM
Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Well, what concerns me is that she was placing a priority on making herself look beautiful even before the affair. Sounds like she was looking for something different for some time.

She might have a wayward mindset even outside of her current affair.

If you are able to kill this affair--and that is your first order of business--you will need to set strict guidelines for recover including no contact for life with the other man, no friendships with the opposite sex, no secrecy on her part (including passwords, secret accounts, locked cell phones, etc.), and you will have to spend hours of undivided time together each week.


Unfortunately your analysis seems to be rather accurate.

She was unhappy that I spent too much time at work and too little time with her to the point where she felt neglected. Which I did not realize earlier. I regret it so much now.

Now I am only concentrating on fighting to keep the love of my life. If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 10:51 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.

Don't wait ... do it now. Make the changes in you now ... adultery is the nuclear bomb that hits, but cleaning up begins with you first. She has to put herself back together.

Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 11:07 AM
Originally Posted by PrayIncessantly
Originally Posted by Qwer
If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.

Don't wait ... do it now. Make the changes in you now ... adultery is the nuclear bomb that hits, but cleaning up begins with you first. She has to put herself back together.


Yes I am definitely trying to change myself. I am trying to let her see how important she is to me. I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 11:27 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.

OBLITERATE her adultery by a full on EXPOSURE to everyone and anyone. Get your lawyer to send him a letter stating you will sue him for emotional distress ... fight for your WW ... that is what she wants.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/03/12 02:55 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Yes I am definitely trying to change myself. I am trying to let her see how important she is to me. I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.
Do you have the Intel yet on the OM?

I would concentrate on blowing up the affair by exposing.

Work on yourself now while you're in Plan A and she says she will give it 30 days.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 12:54 AM
Dear brothers and sisters of MB,

Something amazing happened. WW was messaging again on the phone last night and she broke down shortly after. I left her alone after asking her if she's alright. I was lying on the bed and after she regained her composure she came over to me kissed me and cuddled up to me and slept.

In the morning (we are on Singapore time btw), she called her family and told them that she's staying. Then she turned to me and said she'll not leave me and DD.

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Also thank you all brothers and sisters for the support through the darkest days of my life so far!
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 02:06 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Dear brothers and sisters of MB,

Something amazing happened. WW was messaging again on the phone last night and she broke down shortly after. I left her alone after asking her if she's alright. I was lying on the bed and after she regained her composure she came over to me kissed me and cuddled up to me and slept.

In the morning (we are on Singapore time btw), she called her family and told them that she's staying. Then she turned to me and said she'll not leave me and DD.

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Also thank you all brothers and sisters for the support through the darkest days of my life so far!
Be very careful. It sounds like she's had a moment of clarity. Seize this - has the A been exposed?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 02:55 AM
Yes it has been exposed though I would not don't consider it as a real full on exposure.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 03:02 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Q. Is this your gut telling you that this was an amazing turn around in a very short time and you are thinking that it was too easy? I would agree with your gut and you need to keep a very close eye on WW to verify NC with OM. WW is an addict.

WW has not done anything yet to EARN your trust. She can start by handwriting a NCL to OM which addresses the hurt and disrespect she has caused you. She gives it to you to approve and mail.



Here are samples: No Contact Letter - Samples



Has WW commited to no contact for LIFE with OM?

Is WW willing to make her life completely transparent? Give you all passwords, delete facebook account, change phone number? Basically close all channels of communication with OM and exchange phones with you at any time you wish?

Let us know WW willingness to do all the above. That is a big indicator of WW sincerity.

Hang in there Q !! smile
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 03:19 AM
We have yet to have the chance to discuss the whole matter fully as she told me that while we were on the way to work. I am planning to have a full discussion after work today.

Yes I would want to believe her again but I still have lingering doubts.

And I do feel that it was a bit too quick and easy. I never expected this turn of events.
Posted By: xtremepain Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 03:45 AM
Make sure theres no NC with the OM.My WW was out of the fog until she broke NC.The OM contacted her and now the fog is thicker than before.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 11:21 PM
I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day. She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/04/12 11:56 PM
As Ronald Reagan said, trust but verify.

At this point, her words are not enough to go on. You need means to independently verify that she is indeed living a transparent life.

It's easy to say no secrets, she'll be open.

What are the details? What is her plan to do this? If she's not given you a detailed plan, then it's possible she is merely telling you what she thinks you want to hear. For this to be meaningful, she has to take concrete steps to accomplish this goal.

What are her steps to do this?

Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day. She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 01:19 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

Ok. Those are good words...but they are just words. Here are the "actions" WW must take to back up those words and EARN your trust. They are called EP's (extra ordinary precautions) and they represent boundaries to affair proof your marriage going forward.

1. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM and write NCL. Has WW agreed to write the NC letter that I posted to you earlier?
2. Live integrated lives with no overnights apart.
3. No opposite sex friends
4. Complete transparency including computer, phones, emails, bank accounts, etc
5. Close all channels of communication with OM. Delete e-mail, facebook, etc and get new phone number.
6. Agree to use POJA
7. Inform you of any attempts of contact from OM.

Any other EP's that you feel are necessary. If WW will not agree to this then you will most likely end up with more affairs down the road because of your WW's poor boundaries.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 01:44 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day.


Here is how you can build on that and create a stronger marriage:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


Originally Posted by Qwer
She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.

Affairs are an addiction Q. Don't underestimate the power of the addiction. That is the mistake that I made.

Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 02:10 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
We have yet to have the chance to discuss the whole matter fully as she told me that while we were on the way to work. I am planning to have a full discussion after work today.

Yes I would want to believe her again but I still have lingering doubts.

And I do feel that it was a bit too quick and easy. I never expected this turn of events.
What EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) are you putting into place to ensure the safety of your marriage?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 02:49 AM
Have your wife write a no contact letter.

Will she do this? No Contact Letters
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 03:02 AM
I thank you all for the care, concern and support given to me even though we are strangers. I feel that you guys are genuinely giving me all the support I need.

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM. She seems genuine but I told her I can't trust her yet she has to show me through her actions over time.

Another problem I have is, while I was fighting the battle to keep her I wasn't thinking much about the A. But now that the battle is almost won, the A keeps replaying in my mind. The thought of her being with OM and what they did keeps creeping into my mind all the time and it's killing me. How do you get over this!!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 03:30 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I thank you all for the care, concern and support given to me even though we are strangers. I feel that you guys are genuinely giving me all the support I need.

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM. She seems genuine but I told her I can't trust her yet she has to show me through her actions over time.

Another problem I have is, while I was fighting the battle to keep her I wasn't thinking much about the A. But now that the battle is almost won, the A keeps replaying in my mind. The thought of her being with OM and what they did keeps creeping into my mind all the time and it's killing me. How do you get over this!!


When your WW has firm boundaries and you both fill each others Lovebanks and with time it will get better.

This may help with the memories Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 03:35 AM
Q, Has your wife done this?

Will she do this? No Contact Letters
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 04:02 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM.

Q. You need to shutdown their avenues of communication. WW needs to deactivate her facebook account, email accounts. She needs to deactivate in front of you while showing you her passwords. WW also needs to change her phone number.

If WW cannot live without these things then you can set up joint facebook and email accounts.

Why won't you answer the question about the NC letter? I'm not getting a good feeling here. It will be very easy for contact to continue if you just demand that she be transparent without taking any measures to prevent contact. It's very easy to delete msgs and take things underground.

MB has to be followed exactly. It won't work if you just pick and choose the parts that are convenient.




Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 04:32 AM
She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 05:39 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

That's smart, Q. Install a keylogger on the computers at home. A must. And require lie detector tests as a condition of reconciliation.

You have a right to protect yourself and to avoid the further devastation of a false recovery.

Plan to spend A LOT of time with her, 20 hours a week. Just you and her. Let grandma watch your kid, and spend time with your wife. It will take a lot of time to nurse things back, but take that time. Be a good husband, in spite of the pain and anger.

I pray that you win her back over time and that she will fall in love again.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 12:28 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

You should never trust her again. Trust but verify.
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs,avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.

From here Coping with Infidelity:Resentment
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 01:26 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

Q. You should never blindly trust WW again and WW should not blindly trust you either.

The recovery time from an affair is measured in years...but you will begin to feel safer as you see WW actions to protect your marriage. It is all about her actions...and time.

Does your WW speak English as well as you? Order the book Surviving an Affair and sit down together and read it. Do you think you could do that? MB works when it is implemented by the both of you. Your WW seems to be willing.
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 01:46 PM
I do agree I'll never trust her blindly again. I used to. I didn't believe she will ever be unfaithful to me. But I have been proven wrong. She does not speak as well but she probably can understand enough.

I think it's a fantastic idea to order and read the book together. I shall do that.

I do hope we can really recover from this. And my WW do seem willing as she informed me that there was contact from OM today and she was transparent in letting me know.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 02:02 PM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I think it's a fantastic idea to order and read the book together. I shall do that.

Not only will that help the both of you to recover your marriage and rebuild the love and respect...it will also teach your WW how to redeem herself in the eyes of others.
Originally Posted by Qwer
I do hope we can really recover from this. And my WW do seem willing as she informed me that there was contact from OM today and she was transparent in letting me know.

Get OM out of her mind. She only needs to inform of you of contact. Stop talking about OM he does not deserve space in anyone's head.

Start to create NEW memories...one's that bring joy.
Posted By: Trix Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/05/12 02:17 PM
It isn't easy to get rid of the persistent thoughts and visions of the A/what they did. One thing that helped me was whenever a thought entered my mind...I tried to stop/freeze frame and stare it down (in my mind) until it inevitably would dissipate. The more that is practiced that easier and the better it works. Try it. Otherwise...time...a lot of time. It can take a long time to heal from the pain caused by a spouse's A.

Get your precautions in place. Use the MB program for recovery and to hopefully prevent future A's. Recovery doesn't happen overnight. It is usually an emotional roller coaster.

I wish you well.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/20/12 02:09 AM

How is it going Qwer?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 01:11 AM
It's just been a hard 2-3 weeks. It seems like a never ending roller coaster ride.

There are days where we would be happy and enjoying each other's company behaving normally as though nothing has ever happened. But there will be times where WW will be all quiet and difficult to talk to.

On my side, I am still being extremely paranoia and still find it difficult to let go of the persistent thoughts. It's just affecting me so much it hurts real bad. Sometimes I really wonder if we can really recover from this trauma and how can we ever have a normal relationship again without trust.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 01:26 AM
Have you seen your doctor for ADs?

Have you read this?
How Can Trust Be Restored After An Affair?
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 02:01 AM
Pardon me, what is ADs?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 02:16 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Pardon me, what is ADs?
Anti-depressants
Posted By: Qwer Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 02:37 AM
I have not seen the doctor yet. I keep putting it off although in the back of my mind I do really think that I may be having depression.

Thanks for the timely reminder. I should go see my doctor.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 02:46 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
I have not seen the doctor yet. I keep putting it off although in the back of my mind I do really think that I may be having depression.

Thanks for the timely reminder. I should go see my doctor.

Good. Here's what Dr. H says.
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 02:56 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
It's just been a hard 2-3 weeks. It seems like a never ending roller coaster ride.

There are days where we would be happy and enjoying each other's company behaving normally as though nothing has ever happened. But there will be times where WW will be all quiet and difficult to talk to.

On my side, I am still being extremely paranoia and still find it difficult to let go of the persistent thoughts. It's just affecting me so much it hurts real bad. Sometimes I really wonder if we can really recover from this trauma and how can we ever have a normal relationship again without trust.
What are the two of you doing to repair this? How much UA time are you spending together? Are you familiar with UA time? Read more here.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Wife decided to leave - 06/21/12 03:02 AM
Originally Posted by Qwer
Sometimes I really wonder if we can really recover from this trauma and how can we ever have a normal relationship again without trust.

Qwer. This is most likely the hardest thing you will ever go through. I too used to wonder myself if I could do it. I honestly was not sure that I could...then I found MB and learned what was needed to rebuild the romantic love, affair proof the marriage going forward, and once again have my family back! It is not easy but is well worth it.

Have you been spending at least 20 hrs per week in UA time? Undivided attention.

Are you meeting each others ENs?

Have you eliminated love busters?

Keep snooping...this will help to build your trust to see WW actually doing what she says.

Once you have all the information you need about the affair, you should never bring it up again. Get that POSOM out of her head. Your WW also needs to see that she will not be punished for the rest of life and indeed has the opportunity to redeem herself.

I would recommend the online coaching but do not know if the language barrier might be a problem. You could write and ask for advice on that. Click on the coaching center link at the top.

Hang in there Qwer. smile
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