I know she still loves me and our 3 year old daughter. But she is too caught up in the EA that now she has decided to leave us. When she told me that she decided, I left the house.

Do not leave your house! Move back, today! Do not ask permission...do not tell her you're coming back...just move home, into the marital bed! If she has a problem with it, she can be the one to sleep on the couch or guest room.

It is me who left the house. Please help!

She is home with daughter. It is me who left the house. Please help!

She is home with daughter. It is me who left the house. Please help!

I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.

I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.

I should really move back but what should I say to her?

Also if she leaves is it plan B?

All I know about the OM is he is not around us. He is someone wife met with she was back in her hometown. My wife works and she rarely spend time away from the home. I send and fetch her to/from work everyday.

This is too emotionally draining. I feel like I can't take it anymore

I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.

This is too emotionally draining. I feel like I can't take it anymore

Yes I'm home. She is adamant that she is leaving to be with OM. I'm losing hope.

I have also told her family about the affair

I am really tired and battle weary. I don't know how long I can take this anymore.

How did u guys manage to do this? How did u guys manage the heart pain?

I don't know if I can do this. She is so adamant

There are no guarantees that you'll be able to save the marriage. I can guarantee that you won't be able to if you don't kill the affair, which begins with exposure. Find out who OM is and expose to his wife or GF. Odds are high he has one.

Give us some more details of your situation. Is she planning to leave with your daughter? Has she filed anything legal?

She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

Don't believe this Q. She is setting you up. You can count on WW setting up a new home with OM and then coming back for DD.

Count on it.

See a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself and your daughter.

She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.

Find out who OM is and expose to his wife or GF. Odds are high he has one.

When should I start seeing a lawyer? ASAP or when she leaves.

I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.

She won't be able to move affair back home. My parents stays with us. I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.

She does not have anywhere else to go when I tried to throw her out.

She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.

She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

No she has not filed anything legal yet. She has no knowledge of how to go about it. So if she really leaves, shall I file anything? Or wait for her to figure out.

I figure that I probably have until the end of the month before she leaves.

What should I be doing in Plan A? How should I behave? What should I do or say?
Please help me. I want to leave a good impression that I am superior in every aspect such that she will finally realize what she will be missing!

@brainhurts

Yes I've read thru most of the posts and articles. I would put her top ENs as financial and Companionship. We used to talked about everything under the sun and after DD was born we kinda drifted apart due to everyday stresses and we talked lesser and lesser.

She has also started to become more materialistic over the years always looking to spend money on herself to look good.

All I know is I love her and I do not want to put our DD thru this.

I am in a confused state of mind wavering between giving up and fighting for her. I am tired and battle weary. I am just a total mess and suffering in a great deal of heart pain

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

@maritalbliss

Yes I did tell her that our daughter stays and I'll be taking care of her. She begged me to maintain contact with DD but I said I don't know

No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.

Q. Are you living in Singapore? Did you say WW wanted to move back to Thailand?

That is why I suggested filing the order to stop WW from taking DD out of the country.

It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.

It feels like her heart is no longer with us. She looks like a walking zombie. Someone without a soul. Really feel like giving up.

As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful.

What you see is just withdrawal. It shall pass.

What you're looking at is an addict. What you want to do with your addict is up to you. You can end this marriage, yes. Is that what you want?

Well, what concerns me is that she was placing a priority on making herself look beautiful even before the affair. Sounds like she was looking for something different for some time.

She might have a wayward mindset even outside of her current affair.

If you are able to kill this affair--and that is your first order of business--you will need to set strict guidelines for recover including no contact for life with the other man, no friendships with the opposite sex, no secrecy on her part (including passwords, secret accounts, locked cell phones, etc.), and you will have to spend hours of undivided time together each week.

If I succeed I will definitely do things differently.

Don't wait ... do it now. Make the changes in you now ... adultery is the nuclear bomb that hits, but cleaning up begins with you first. She has to put herself back together.

I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.

Yes I am definitely trying to change myself. I am trying to let her see how important she is to me. I am just unsure if that is enough to keep her. She seems so attached to OM. I keep feeling that I am fighting a losing battle.

Dear brothers and sisters of MB,

Something amazing happened. WW was messaging again on the phone last night and she broke down shortly after. I left her alone after asking her if she's alright. I was lying on the bed and after she regained her composure she came over to me kissed me and cuddled up to me and slept.

In the morning (we are on Singapore time btw), she called her family and told them that she's staying. Then she turned to me and said she'll not leave me and DD.

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Also thank you all brothers and sisters for the support through the darkest days of my life so far!

Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day. She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.

I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day.

She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.

We have yet to have the chance to discuss the whole matter fully as she told me that while we were on the way to work. I am planning to have a full discussion after work today.

Yes I would want to believe her again but I still have lingering doubts.

And I do feel that it was a bit too quick and easy. I never expected this turn of events.

I thank you all for the care, concern and support given to me even though we are strangers. I feel that you guys are genuinely giving me all the support I need.

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM. She seems genuine but I told her I can't trust her yet she has to show me through her actions over time.

Another problem I have is, while I was fighting the battle to keep her I wasn't thinking much about the A. But now that the battle is almost won, the A keeps replaying in my mind. The thought of her being with OM and what they did keeps creeping into my mind all the time and it's killing me. How do you get over this!!

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM.

She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs,avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.

I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

I think it's a fantastic idea to order and read the book together. I shall do that.

I do hope we can really recover from this. And my WW do seem willing as she informed me that there was contact from OM today and she was transparent in letting me know.

Pardon me, what is ADs?

I have not seen the doctor yet. I keep putting it off although in the back of my mind I do really think that I may be having depression.

Thanks for the timely reminder. I should go see my doctor.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

It's just been a hard 2-3 weeks. It seems like a never ending roller coaster ride.

There are days where we would be happy and enjoying each other's company behaving normally as though nothing has ever happened. But there will be times where WW will be all quiet and difficult to talk to.

On my side, I am still being extremely paranoia and still find it difficult to let go of the persistent thoughts. It's just affecting me so much it hurts real bad. Sometimes I really wonder if we can really recover from this trauma and how can we ever have a normal relationship again without trust.

Sometimes I really wonder if we can really recover from this trauma and how can we ever have a normal relationship again without trust.