Hey, rightthing,

I'm a little worried about you guys since neither one posted today. Is everything okay?

Any arguments?

Thanks for the concern, Markos. We're doing well (or as well as one can do given the circumstances). I chose not to post today and instead focus on AI and the kids. Jamming as much love money in there as possible and pounding away at the issues I'm facing with regard to bad old habits and the such.

No worries. We're on the road to recovery. Admittedly, the road looks long, but we're on it and walking along.

Thanks for the concern.

Glad to hear it, rightthing. That's a good reason not to post.

Any arguments?

Nope. No arguments. Keeping everything in check. No room for any AO's at all. Anyways, it's totally not worth it to be pissed and grumpy for any period of time. I'm just going to focus on the good, and do everything I can to make this woman feel safe.

Excellent!

(Would she disagree, if she were posting? One of my common mistakes for our first year of MB was to believe that many of my AOs weren't AOs.)

Markos: She'd agree. We've had quite a good few days now. Honest talk and understanding. Things have been very pleasant.

I'm still busting my a$$, but I expect that I'll be doing this for a long while. I'll update more later.

<~~~ Me

But, you learned. You took the like a man !
I now consider you , Marcos, to be the best resource when it comes to helping other husbands learn/recognize/change AO habits.

Fact is, you (anyone & everyone) can make hundreds of love unit deposits, and !wham! shoot it all to hell with some well aimed ugly/vicious angry outburst.

Any one of us can slip up and make an occasional AO. If we do, the MB thing to do is to apologize immediately. And not to do a repeat performance.

We've had a really good couple of days. Keeping busy (together) during the day while I'm on leave, and then spending at least 2-4 hours a night, alone. Sometimes more.

We both know that this is going to take quite some time, but we're also pretty stoked about the potential that we see for the future.

No AO's at all, lately. Just the two that made me realize that I'm ridiculous, and that's it.

Btw, the first argument was because I found her wedding ring in a box bound for a thrift shop (a total accident on her part and stupid paranoid reaction on my part), and me losing my sh*t in the mall because I exhibited independent behaviour and was totally embarrassed by my own actions when she called me out on it.

She's called me out on stuff since then, and I've taken it like a trooper. Even apologized for my actions immediately and tried to make good without argument.

We've found out a lot about each other lately. In all honesty, and one of you club weilders is gonna come a knockin', but I'm thinking I missed out on quite an amazing woman while I was off being a total douche-canoe. I'm looking forward to being the husband she deserves.

Part of my problem is I'm assertive at work and I have to take it down a few notches at home.

Sometimes I forget and treat DH like I do my coworkers. When he starts responding with 'Yes Ma'am' I know I need to relax.

Hehe... we have someone else around here who knows about the whole PoJA/IB/AO trifecta whilst shopping.

Any of you other wayward have a moment where you felt like this were becoming real and you did a horrible thing? I *know* I did something absolutely terrible, but the past two days have seen me feeling so miserable about my actions that I don't really know what to do but plow through.

And AI is confused as to where she's supposed to be in all of this. Should we start moving forward? Should we start recovering? Should we keep rehashing the same painful things? Someone has to have a suggestion or something... (I'm looking at you, Gloveoil)

Are we talking about Melodylane and the lettuce?

I'll never tell... I can't... I just about choked on mile-high hair and aquanet!


TRT -

You shouldn't be rehashing your affair. Have you offered every detail your wife has asked for?

After the details of the affair are known, it should not be brought up again. Doing so only serves to drag you both back to day 1 of recovery.

And THAT is the advice of Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph.D. - founder of this program and owner of this website.

Give her every detail she asks for, submit to a polygraph if you must, but beyond that any "rehashing" of the past is a waste of precious time you could be utilizing in increasing each others' LB$ balances.

That DOESN'T mean that you should throw that in her face, though. You have to be WILLING to answer her questions. She will have to come to the realization that bringing the affair up is bad for your marriage at some point.

That is all you can do: plow forward. Either she will choose to recover with you, or not, and you have to respect that choice.

I heard MrWondering say here once to a wayward that when you had your affair, at some point you deliberately smashed your moral compass. During recovery, you will find you've been given a new one. It sounds like you are acquiring this, and facing up to a lot of the unpleasant things you've done.

Guilt is a good motivator.


Once everything has been said about the affair, you should not keep rehashing it. Dwelling on the mistakes of the past does not make for a good intimate conversation.

Please answer these!

Douche-canoe...


Er, I mean TRT (just kidding bud!),


So, when you say you've been "rehashing painful things," do you mean that you are recounting painful life experiences to each other? Experiences OTHER than the affair?

That, sir, can not only be expected, but is a GOOD thing. This is a part of Radical Honesty - particularly Historical Honesty.



For instance, as part of my "all-in" for recovery after my wife's affair, I revealed to her that I had been molested as a child. A fact she never knew even after being together for 13 years.


Take note; I don't allow my childhood experiences to control my adult decisions - but that was a particular piece of Historical Honesty that was difficult for me to reveal.