Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Pepperband #2632863 06/05/12 06:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Quote
Does everything have to have a moral valence?

Yes ... otherwise where is order? May I ask ... when is it okay to intentionally hurt someone? If your care and thoughtfulness of another person doesn't come from your moral valence, then were do you get yours?

Quote
If someone happily divorces after an affair, are they still a cheater, for example, or did they "come to their senses".

What do you mean by this? Who do you know that happily divorces? Have you found one person? The only people I have ever seen who happily divorce (affair or not) lack all empathy. If someone happily divorces ... you can rest assured that person has some extreme and deep emotional issues and are not made to be with anyone ... they aren't marriage or even dating material.

Secondly ... you state "...come to their senses?" Again what do you mean ... they feel bad for destroying and annhilating their spouse, family, heritage, legacy, character, and integrity?

From your posts I see you have yet to grasp the ability to thoughtfully care for someone other than yourself. Your questions and responses suggest you were entitled to have an affair because your marriage was unhappy.

Do you feel your wife deserved your adultery? Was your temporary happiness (fleeting fantasy) worth destroying her because your marriage was unhappy?

How do you truly view your adultery?

Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 06/05/12 06:26 PM.
My4Loves #2632867 06/05/12 06:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
This poster is obviously foggy. I would like to hear more about what he is DOING to recover his marriage from his infidelity, and less navel-gazing and pontificating about gray areas and happy vs. unhappy and the rest of that happy-slappy horse..stuff.

What say you, bres? What have you DONE?

And it wouldn't be a bad idea to actually give us a precis of your affair. Who's the OW? How long was the affair? Etc etc.

Only if you want us to help. skeptical



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2632869 06/05/12 06:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
After 5 pages of this slap down, can you now please fill us in on what you did and what you plan to do to fix it?

Your continued search for existential approval of your cheating is tedious at best.

Get with us realists here and spill it.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
And now we have a name change ... are you still reading?

My4Loves #2632874 06/05/12 07:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by PrayIncessantly
And now we have a name change ... are you still reading?
I suspect you are playing us, Whatever Your Name Is. What is your point here?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

My4Loves #2632876 06/05/12 07:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
Bredsc01/Des Grieux,

I thought you had started another thread looking for help after originally posting this question. I searched for it (in your posts) and come across this on another thread.

Re: Ended PA w/ OM. Thinking & Praying. [Re: MelodyLane] Des_Grieux
Junior Member

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 7
I would love for the OP to contact me or update me.

Ended PA w/ OM. Thinking & Praying. [Re: SugarCane] SugarCane
Member
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Yes, I get that, alis, but I think there is more to his reason for being here and resurrecting this very old thread. I think he thinks he has something to offer us all and can set us straight about the advice we give.
He seems to have come here specifically to tout for business.

bredsc01, I know that there is a recession on and times are hard, but surely this still count as unethical behaviour. What would your licensing body say about your going to a forum paid for by a specific marriage coach and asking his individual forum members to contact you?
Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 3991


What really is your intention here? You originally posted a great question that could help many on this site struggling with infidelity. Then you post this comment on another thread.

If you are sincererly seeking advice, be honest about your intentions. Many before you have been helped regardless of whether they were the betrayed or the betrayer. There are many vets and senior members who can see through the foggy babble and deception, they will call you out if you are not being honest.

Again for emphasis, if you truely are seeking advice to repair your marriage and make amends to your BS, please post here. You will seek the help you need although at times you may not like what you hear if you are not prepared to accept responsibility for your actions.

If you have a different agenda, please refrain from posting. There are many people in pain looking for advice, encouragement and support and you are taking away valuable resources from those who need it.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
happyfuture66 #2632881 06/05/12 08:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
D
Junior Member
Junior Member
D Offline
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
Oh my G-d. You are out of control. I changed my handle to be a real name. I wished that OP to contact me because I took your advice and tried to read more of the forum. I have no agenda and I am not trying to solicit business. I am what I said I was. I asked a question. Why does there have to be a "slap down"? What if I assured you circumstances and my remorse have provided me with all the slap down I needed?

Des_Grieux #2632884 06/05/12 08:21 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
I asked a question.
Have you had an answer to your question?

Did that answer help you?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Des_Grieux #2632885 06/05/12 08:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
Oh my G-d. You are out of control. I changed my handle to be a real name. I wished that OP to contact me because I took your advice and tried to read more of the forum. I have no agenda and I am not trying to solicit business. I am what I said I was. I asked a question. Why does there have to be a "slap down"? What if I assured you circumstances and my remorse have provided me with all the slap down I needed?
Calm down, DG. And don't change your name again. First point: Your new name isn't a 'real name' - it's just your new name. So I don't get the point. No one else will, either.

Quote
I wished that OP to contact me
What does this mean?
Quote
Why does there have to be a "slap down"? What if I assured you circumstances and my remorse have provided me with all the slap down I needed?
Because we will call you out if we feel you are playing us. It's as simple as that.

NOW. I asked you earlier: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE? I also asked on behalf of all our posters to give us the background regarding your affair. You have failed to deliver a response. Answer, please.


Last edited by maritalbliss; 06/05/12 08:23 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

SugarCane #2632886 06/05/12 08:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
F
Junior Member
Junior Member
F Offline
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
Des_Grieux, I'm also a wayward, former i should say.
May I ask what do you mean with ''shades of grey''?


Amada... no tengo duda; no es la misma Luna!
SugarCane #2632887 06/05/12 08:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
If you have had a look around this forum you will see that we provide Harley-based advice to people who ask for help. This particular forum (Surviving an Affair) is not a place for general discussions about affairs and marriages. This is one of the crisis forums, where people are helped with specific, concrete problems.

You didn't ask for help and, for one reason and another, you got off to a bad start here.

Why don't you start afresh by describing the problem in your marriage and seeking advice with tackling it? People here will help.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2632891 06/05/12 08:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
D
Junior Member
Junior Member
D Offline
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
I am sorry. I am not in crisis. This was not the right forum for me.

Des_Grieux #2632892 06/05/12 08:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
Did you say that your marriage had not survived the affair? Are you interested in trying to rebuild the marriage, or is that out of the question?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Des_Grieux #2632900 06/05/12 09:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
I am sorry. I am not in crisis. This was not the right forum for me.
You can delude yourself, but that won't work with us.

What forum would be more comfortable for you?

And do you have any intention of answering my previous questions?

What, really, is your goal?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

BrainHurts #2632904 06/05/12 09:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by brescd01
I was not lecturing. I asked a question. I apologize if I gave any other impression.
What are you and your BW doing to affair proof your marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Des_Grieux #2632906 06/05/12 09:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Member
G Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
I am cautious about asking too much. I am "the cheater". People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray, most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
Welcome, Des_Grieux.

I've lived all the shades of gray. I try not to make too black-&-white characterizations about "the people of this board," etc. (C'mon, ya gotta be able to laugh at yourself once in awhile. smile ) As re: cheaters, I'll grant you that some (not all of them) indeed lie low on this particular forum after awhile, because this is a site that promotes strong marriages where people recover the right way -- as opposed to marriages that limp along in a crippled state because one spouse tries to sweep infidelity under the carpet, and/or because one or both spouses fail to do the necessary work to identify & meet one another's emotional needs. The brand of cheaters who don't own their stuff generally don't like what they hear around here.

BTW, I'm not prejudging where your particular marriage is (or even whether you're married at all), because I don't have enough info to know. But I'll be provocative and proffer that asking questions on an anonymous internet site is usually a pretty easy lift compared with the introspection & work that it takes to build a great marriage (whether your current one if you're married, or your next one if you're not).

So if you've got questions, go out on a limb & ask. There's no harm in that. Some of us have indeed walked in the cheater's shoes & aren't shy about telling ya what we've learned, from the vantage point of several years out. If you're not really up for that, that's fine too. I don't get paid anything to check in here, and it's all good with me if you just want to nibble around the edges for a spell.

But if you've got questions, you can ask. And I won't ever do you the disservice of a sugarcoated answer. I shoot straight nowdays.



Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
GloveOil #2632911 06/05/12 09:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
He's dodging and weaving, GO. Your further help may be needed here.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Des_Grieux #2632916 06/05/12 09:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
Oh my G-d. You are out of control.

You know, the reason Jews write God's name that way is so as not to profane His Name.

But when you are using it to insult other people like that, it doesn't matter if you leave the vowel out or not. It's still profane.

Sorry, that's neither here nor there for this forum, but if you're going to use God's name to swear like that, I just feel like you really might as well go ahead and include the vowel.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Des_Grieux #2632919 06/05/12 09:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Des_Grieux
I was not lecturing. I asked a question. I apologize if I gave any other impression.

Is this like a proof by repeated assertion, or what? You can call it lecturing, or you can call it a chicken sandwich, but either way, it sounds like the reason you came here is not to learn about how to use Dr. Harley's program to help marriages, but instead to straighten out everybody else. And like I said, we're not here for that.

So you think there's shades of gray and the rest of us think in black and white.

But

You seem so very black and white about that.

It must be nice to have such a monopoly on truth. I think I'd go establish my own website if I felt that way and use my truth to bless the world.

Can we help you somehow, or are you just here for debate?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2632920 06/05/12 09:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
You came to ask a question.

Your question was answered.

Why are you still here?

Mods, can this thread be moved to Other Topics so people in need can get real help?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 542 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer
72,026 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,027
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0