It seems to me that the thing about the 15 hours of UA time isn't that it's just 15 hours. They have to be spent meeting each others' needs. If most of the time is spent engaging in lovebusters, and it seems that the ones involved can't get that under control, the 15 hours will turn out to be the WORST times of one's week. That would result in trying to avoid any time together. I think, though, if one keeps the goal of increasing UA time to 15 hours to 20 hours in mind, they will quickly build to 15 hours a week of actually meeting each others' needs. It's not about just 30 minutes, it's about practicing spending good time together to reinforce the motivation to do more.

Z, if you want to increase the UA, which I totally understand, some suggestions:

Find a time of the day as stress free as possible. Maybe an early morning cup of tea before the kids wake up, meet for lunch halfway between your jobs while your kids are in school, or going out for a cup of coffee or a nice walk after supper while your kids play at a neighbors. Think of things folks do when first dating someone new, where you have some privacy to talk but still have the safety of others not far. My ex wouldn't LB me the same way when others were watching.

LL, of course the whole point about the 15 hours is that they should be spent meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs. I was taking that as understood when I made my post; perhaps I should not have.

If your point is that this couple is possibly spending much of the 5 hours LBing each other, then you should be suggesting that they plan 15 hours in such a way that LBs are ruled out. It should not be that they plan a much smaller amount and work up to 15 hours.

Our advice should NEVER be to cut corners with this programme. You are doing the online seminar, and so you really must know that Dr Harley is insistent on 15 hours being planned in advance, and that he does not cut corners with any part of this programme.

Zhamila, if you plan to be out of the house on four, 3-4-hourly dates, you will find that arguing and LB and general unpleasantness disappears during that time, and that the good feelings spill over into the rest of the week.

My dates look something like this, every week:

Sundays: a 4-hour walk in the countryside. (England is so beautiful!)

A weekday: lunch when my son is at school and I am working from home.

An evening: a trip to the pub (very little alcohol, lots of talking).

Saturday afternoons: a trip into central London to see an old film, plus a walk around the west end, plus a drink at a pub. (Deduct the time spent watching the film.)

SF is unscheduled and is extra, and we get a lot more of it by doing the scheduled activities. UA time lifts the mood of the marriage beyond description.

Dr Harley also allow us to add the time spent working on the online questionnaires, listening to the CDs etc - about another 1-2 hours - but I use this as an extra. I do not count it in our schedule in advance. I find it best to plan the full 15 hours to be out of the house and then if one of the dates falls through, SF and lesson time will probably make up the difference.

UA time is not to be used to talk about marital problems or problems with the kids or ANY problems. If you plan to make it the most enjoyable time of your week then it will be the most enjoyable time of your week. If you do not plan, then UA time will not do the job it is supposed to do. But whatever you do, do not cut corners.

What criteria is Steve using to decide when you are ready for the POUA? Are there Love Busters that need to be eliminated first?

I have, actually, but it's pretty rare.

NEVER heard one out of Steve Harley. He's one of the most respectful people I know, and I heard Dr. Harley once say Steve was "respectful almost to a fault."

I don't have time to read this whole thread again, but I did just re-read the first 100 or so posts. Having done so, I do strongly suggest that you schedule UA activities that 1. have some activity at the core, such as going to see a film, football game, exhibition or play and 2. schedule 4 sessions a weeks. Remember that you must deduct any time spent watching the film, so some dates will end up being longer than 4 hours. Scheduling four sessions a week will mean that more of your days are spent doing nice thing than doing humdrum things. You need to rebalance your week in favour of pleasant things.

The reason I am suggesting this is because I can see that you have problems with conversation. I read about how you try to express your feelings to your H and he whips out his phone, or loses interest. My suggestion is that you forget about using UA time to talk about things that are meaningful to you, like your father's death, and stay off subjects that can become obsessive for him, like his work.

That might not leave a lot to talk about at first, so that is why I suggest building an activity into your dates. The activity you have just participated in gives you something to discuss to start the ball rolling.

We have no trouble going to the pub, sitting down and starting a conversation, but there is a certain artificiality about doing this time after time - and adding having to do this at lunch, too. I have found (without trying) that seeing a film gives us plenty to chat about for the first 30 minutes, which then leads to many more topics coming up. Conversation and laughter is no problem on dates, and SF is usually on the cards for later.

Of course, doing the same activity week after week will become stale too, and that is where living in London comes in so handy for us. There are art exhibitions, talks with playwrights, old films and new plays opening absolutely everywhere, and if we are forced to find something to do we end up making the best use of our fabulous city. We can do so much for free, including walking around the old Roman City of London and visiting historic buildings.

Go out and do stuff, and lay off the heavy conversation, and things will improve within two weeks, I promise.

How old are the kids and step-kids, Zhamila?

Zhamila, I think SugarCane is giving you excellent advice. The POUA really is the heart of Dr. Harley's program. Follow that, and most of your problems typically begin to get better.

I gotcha and I agree.
Thanks,
LL

Z,

Hmmmm, well in my M, the UA time has made all the difference. In fact, I have noticed my own feelings going down if we miss our time for any reason. One week H was sick, and we were not able to get our time in, and I noticed a change in my attitude.

I don't think this program can work without the UA time. As another poster pointed out to me, my H and I would have never fell in love to begin with without the UA time, and we would have never been married, SO TRUE!

You and Mr. Z havent been married long, so obviously you were in love with each other not so long ago. When did that start to change? I bet it was connected to UA time going down.

You, and any one else who has begun to successfully implement this program, sister.


Z,


Cut the crap. And, yes... posters will "DJ" you, because YOU define what that is. We aren't here to build up our balances, that is correct. We are here to call you on YOUR bullcrap in YOUR marriage, and help you to build a larger LB$ account with YOUR spouse, and help you to make the changes so that your spouse can build his account with you.


Caution; "DJ" ahead, ready your finger on the notify button;


Your up and down drama queen act is quite exhausting, and your use of the phone coaching as a shield when you are told something you don't like is deplorable.

"But, but, but.... STEVE SAID!"


You've been all but directly called out on your latest assertion, I'll call you out completely; no way in Sam Hain did a Marriage Builders coach tell you that you are the one-ever exception to the minimum requirement of 15 hours a week of UA time. This program DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT UA TIME. COUPLES WHO WILL NOT COMMIT TO UA TIME ARE NOT ACCEPTED FOR COACHING, BECAUSE THE PROGRAM WILL NOT WORK.



UA time is also the fastest and most efficient way for each of you to fill each other's LB$ to the Romantic Love threshold.

Kind of like charging your cell phone. Little bits here and there will keep it from going out completely, but it requires x hours/x days of charging to have a charge that will last.




Z, honest question; are you on the forums for help with marriage builders, or are you here to be a diva and cherry pick your advice?

This is what I've noticed also.

Thanks, NED. I didn't know you could notify anyone about this stuff. That's nice.

What's TOS?



I love your perspective on this, NED. I do notice a big difference when I am "busy" doing my thing - I feel better when I am actively working on it. I'll try to remember this and do it.

I try to ignore the feelings...sometimes they get the better of me and I get depressed and tired. Will try to stay active.

It started with increasing IBs on H's part, and an unwillingness to follow POJA. I tried to keep holding it together by scheduling our UA time every week, but started to feel like I was begging for his time and attention. So I stopped asking and kept track for a while out of curiosity. You are correct: the UA time went down and down, and my feelings did too.

You hit the nail on the head, LL....hey, do you have a VAR in our house?

I like your suggestions, NED. Being out and about does change the way we interact.

SugarCane, thanks for the suggestion to do activities that give us something to talk about - kind of a 'warm up.'

I'll try it.

He wasn't specific, he just said we weren't ready and needed a solid grounding in the basics, that it could do "more harm than good." Sorry, that's all I remember.

So now I'm dying to talk to Steve again and see what he says! There's been quite a ruckus here regarding POUA!!

The kiddos live with us full-time, and spend alternating weekends with their other parents:

DSD: 17
DS: 14
DD: 10
DS: 7

Terms of Service Terms of Service Marriage Builders Board Rules

So when they are all with you, there should be no problem abandoning the whole lot of them for an evening out. The older ones can look after the younger ones, can't they?

What about lunchtimes? How are you fixed for lunch with your H while the kids are at school?