Can_Not_Believe,

Given the enormity of what your WH did, I think your WH should confess and apologize to the BH of OW.

It's somewhat like giving back something you stole 30 years ago. While legally the statue of limitations has run out, you know it is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if the BH was good or bad, he is owed this restitution which should come out of your WHs desire to make amends.

I am an OC as well and I wanted to do something similar with my first legal father. I went to visit him at his apartment with the intent of thanking him for supporting me at the beginning of my life, but his widow informed me he had died a few months earlier.

The stories about LF were that he was a violent and abusive man, but that did not diminish my debt to him.

God Bless
Gamma

Faithful Follower

Thank you for your validation of my feelings. I too, told my husband "do you realize that every time we introduce this boy to -anybody - that we are telling them that you betrayed me. That you had an affair." How shameful that is? How embarrassing?

I know his Mom. Very well. I asked him "how do you think your Mom will feel knowing this about you?" She regards him so highly. He is her oldest son. He has a older sister (she is 1 year 1 month older than him) He has a younger brother ( by 9 years.) She ALWAYS held him up as an example to follow.

He has a younger sister ( by 18 years). I've known her since she was 18 months. She WORSHIPS her older brother. Sincerely and truly!!!

Adultery affects everybody (ripple effect). Believe me - he had a LOT to think about.

Initially - when he confessed 8-13-10 -- I was so relieved no one was dead or dying (I now know I was in SHOCK) I only asked peripheral questions. I was just numb. He rambled on - "you have no idea how relieved I am that you know. I was really scared. etc. etc. This thing has been on my mind for so long. I actually ran through 2 stop lights cause I couldn't concentrate.

Then that fool went to SLEEP. Deep Sleep. Snoring and all. I just listened to him snore while my mind was RACING. I guess after the telling, his adrenaline level dropped - and he was exhausted. Well - when he opened his eyes the next morning - I was sitting in the chair staring at him. From that point - the inquisition was on.

Faithful - your story as well as scores of others - I read from thread - to - thread. That's how I got the lay of the land as to what to expect. When things went down the way they did with the Mom and after I heard that she wanted to tell ME off. I knew - Oh No - no - no - no - no - NO!!

I will NEVER expose my children and family to this. No Way -- Hosea!!

So - again - thank you. I feel 100% that the way we handled it was the RIGHT way.

By the way - remember the long 2-page letter I wrote to the boy - and sent with the articles? He NEVER ONCE acknowledged
my letter or called me again. I waited over a month to hear from him (on pins and needles I might add) - which I told him he could call me if he had any questions.

The next we heard was when he called to warn my husband that the OW was going to call me and 'tell me off'.

If it wasn't for reading all of those OLD threads - and learning that this was 'typical behavior' - my feelings could have been hurt - More.

I too believe that I am (was) suffering from PTSD. I researched that as well and exhibited the 'trauma' symptoms. I never wanted to take any medications (I have 4 sisters - the youngest IS bipolar). So I took two ibuprofen tablets every night in order to relax and sleep - with my husband holding me tight. Yeh - I was one of the ones waking up in the middle of the night - start crying - etc. Oh yes - we had a TIME.

If he knows NOTHING else - he knew this whole thing SEVERELY affected me.

After October I stopped taking the ibuprofen - because in talking to a friend about HER problems - she told me she had LIVER damage caused by taking too many ibuprofen tablets. I stopped immediately.

I started repeating "The Lord is MY Shepherd" Psalm - and really got into it. Read it. Count the personal pronouns.
It's all about us. The Lord protecting us. I resorted to praying for peace of mind.

When Whitney Houston died - I was listening to her service on CNN. The Mass Choir sang a musical version of the "Lord is My Shepherd." It is SO beautiful. The lead singer's voice is just as powerful as Whitney's.

I taped it on my DVR (?) - and I replayed it over - and over again. I'm embarrassed to say - I still play it. Especially on Sunday mornings. I LOVE that song. (my obsessive compulsive tendencies) I now sing that song in my mind after I say my prayers every night. And I usually go to sleep while doing that. Kind of like "mind control."

It was a year ago on June 4, 2011 that we got the call and was told to "don't bother to call or contact me again".

To my knowledge - their has been NO contact between anybody. I am MORE than happy to leave it as that!!

Again I apologize for the length of this post.

People who really know me knows "Don't get HER started." You'll find out or hear MORE than you want to know.

On that note - Have a GREAT day.

Can Not Believe

Nice sentiment but first, most BS's do not ever want to hear from the OP even to apologize. Second, there is no DNA proof that this young man is Can_Not_Believe's husband's son. NO PROOF so why upset this BH? Why break NC?

My husband did the same thing.
Slept like he had angels whispering in his ear, or something else equally blissful. Lordy, I hated him in that moment. I think I went something like 4 days on 6 hours of sleep. I was a maniac. I went through every nook & cranny of the house and the garage and the cars.

Okey-dokey. No time like the present to work MB into your obsession!

Where do you want to begin?

CNB

If you've never read the very brief description of my experience, here is the link.
It's quite abbreviated. I wrote this out when the experience had become quite distant and my emotional response to writing this out (even reading this today) is just awe that we are so dang happily in love now. No pain at all.

*** Trip back to Xmas 1995 ***

Gamma

That's the thing. We only know HIS name from 30 years ago. The OC refused the paternity test. I have no idea who he is or where he is or what he knows.

As an OC - can you tell me why he WOULD refuse the test?.

Wouldn't you THINK he WOULD WANT to know - for sure?

I am not arrogant enough to assume that everyone's reasoning behind what they do would be the same as mine.

But given the details of what I've said (which is all I know) what can I (or my husband do) 30 years later?

Seriously.

Can Not Believe

Faithful

Thank you AGAIN.

That's how I feel. There is NO DNA proof. We wanted and requested it from the BEGINNING.

The boy refused.

Why should I (we) pursue this then?

Can Not Believe

PEP

I will go back and read through it.

You can't know this but just by allowing me to write out everything in chronological order you helped me SO much already. My mind feels lighter. REALLY!!

There is so much I want to say to you but I don't have the time right now.

I want to answer your question "Am I happy" cause I really thought about it. You have opened a door for me and I want to make you proud.

So - in the words of Arnold - "I'll be back."

Can Not Believe

Not an OC but an out of wedlock child....Years went by where I now realize my bio dad did not believe I was his. Or was not convinced. Or something. I don't know. He wasn't married to anyone else when I was conceived nor was my mom....but still I guess he didn't believe that I was his. I of course, knowing my mom like I do...having never been lied to by her in my ENTIRE life....I never even considered that he would doubt I was his child.

I've never been asked to do a DNA test. I have had such limited contact with him....My mom told him she was pregnant....called him when I was 7....and again when I was 15 (when I asked about him). I met him at age 15....and I had NO IDEA he didn't 'believe' I was his. I also met my sister then....and she, although only 11, knew. She never doubted from that day that I was her sister.

So, although we were kept apart (by bio dad family) for 28 years...when she did find me again, there was still no request for DNA. Only after talking to my sister for a few months did I figure out there was ever any doubt (by bio dad). Well, I do bear a strong resemblance to him...and his sisters....but still no one ever asked me for a DNA test.

If they had? I would have gladly complied. Because I have a brother.....and he has been wild...and if a kid comes forward and says he is my brothers....I will know it is possible (if my brother says so), but I will also know I want a DNA test.

So....all that to say.....I find it telling the boy/man doesn't want a DNA test. He probably knows his mom can't be trust to give him the truth...or even to KNOW the truth...so he is too afraid of the test.

CNB,

As an OC - can you tell me why he WOULD refuse the test?.

Wouldn't you THINK he WOULD WANT to know - for sure?

Personally I can't, except that OCs life is already so complicated he would rather not know or out of fear.

I never felt that way, however as I am by nature curious and love detail, perhaps most of all I feel that the truth is the truth.

Having children has also made me desirous of knowing, as this is their story as well, I want an accurate not a fictional family tree. At some time in the future they may wish to change their last name.

I also believe our DNA accounts for a good percentage of who we are, 33%, in ways we don't always understand, so not knowing where you came from is like a book with lost chapters.

But given the details of what I've said (which is all I know) what can I (or my husband do) 30 years later?

I don't know that YOU would have to do anything as you did not sire a child who was passed off as another mans.

It would be on your WH to make amends to the BH who raised his DNA.

It's almost like asking if you found $10,000 which had been lost for 30 years would you return the money to the owner or to their heirs?

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for your response.

I too - believe that - maybe - the OC is not sure. I remember telling mu husband (of course trying to make her look bad) that she had to have been having sex with someone else if she went back and got married right away. The man had to have believed it was his baby. So she had to have had sex with YOU and someone else "AT THE SAME TIME".

Then I went into a rage that you could have given me a disease - cause whoever she had sex with - means that YOU had sex with - and it trickles down to ME. You EXPOSED ME to a stranger.

If you were going to do this "Why didn't you use a condom." Didn't you think of me at ALL? I remember this was August 14, screaming at him. Where did I come in? Where was the consideration for ME?

In my conversation with him (the OC) - I was surprised when he told me his mom was the "black sheep" of her family. I even mentioned in the 2nd letter to him that I hope the paternity tests results turns out to be exactly what he wanted (because I knew in MY heart - what I wanted them to be).

I never wanted harm (from me) to come to this boy. I just didn't want him to be my problem to deal with.

I was on a fact-finding mission. I figured he (The OC) opened the door - let me get while the getting is good.

When I found out he was an "only" child - I wanted to know if he was close to her family. Did he have a lot of cousins. The answer was "no, not really" He told me they hardly went back to their hometown to visit. He didn't really know them.

I thought it could be a ploy for a quicker acceptance. I wanted to make sure he was not alone - to find out exactly what he wanted from us. I did NOT mention my kids during any of that conversation.

I was trying to ease my guilt for NOT wanting my boys to know about him.

But - like Lynn G said - I did NOT create this. I made sure any children I had would be WANTED by it's father. Even though I was married - no kids for me until we BOTH were ready. I took responsibility for my body and my birth control. My husband had to ASK for his baby.

When the word got out that we had eloped - people assumed there had to be a kid someplace. NOPE!! Thanks to my Mom (the woman gave birth to 8 kids in a ten-year span) - she always said "kids are cute - but they are NOT fun ALL of the time." Make sure you can support yourself and any child you have if you happen to end up with a No-Good Man. As simple as that!!! The woman had FIVE daughters. Her goal was a college education for all of us. She believed that it was more important for a girl to be educated than a man.

My mother was a wise woman. She died in 1991 of complications from breast cancer.

I believed her - and set myself up accordingly to always be independent and to be able to support me and mine if I had too.

Can Not Believe

Gamma - Gamma - Gamma

I LOVE a good debate. So we are ON.

Okay - The one thing I have noticed that you HAVE NOT responded or commented on is this:


Didn't the OW create this situation - with her BAD choices and decisions. Shouldn't SHE be the one apologizing to HER son for the situation SHE created for HIM? If INDEED my husband IS THE FATHER - shouldn't SHE be the one apologizing to the other man?

IF my husband was the father - given that SHE contacted HIM to share this news - wouldn't she TELL her son and INSIST that her son TAKE THE TEST - to PROVE that HE IS YOUR FATHER!!

How can MY husband apologize to someone HE DOES NOT KNOW - without even KNOWING if the boy is HIS?

Maybe if the boy had followed through on the paternity - this issue could have been addressed. God knows - with the very strong NEGATIVE feelings I have toward the OW - and if I met the man in the future (if he is still living even) - I would have been - without a doubt - on HIS side. Just like as if someone did that to one of My boys. It would give ME even MORE reason to TALK ABOUT HER LIKE A DOG!!-


You said:

I never felt that way, however as I am by nature curious and love detail, perhaps most of all I feel that the truth is the truth.

Guess what

I wrote the SAME thing to him. That we needed a paternity test because we need to know "That the truth IS the truth."
Word - For - Word.

That's why I was so surprised that he said "And the answer is NO - to the paternity test."

Like you - I WOULD want to know. I think the Mom is not sure - and in his heart - the boy isn't either.

You know - I myself can trace my family back to the early 1800's. My father's grandfather (on his dad side) help build the original cornerstone of our family church - established in 1870. We will be honoring my father in that church where he is a retired pastor - on his EXACT birthday on Sunday - June 24th. He will be 90 years old.

I KNOW the value of family and legacy. See - I was lucky and blessed to be born into THAT family. I wanted to pass that legacy and pride to MY kids.

What I CANNOT do is control other people and their behavior. The consequences THEY live is because of the circumstances of THEIR behavior.

So - in my opinion - it all comes back to PERSONAL responsibility.

So I feel - any apology for misdoings has to come from the person who did the deed.

Well - that's my take and I stand by it.

Take care

Can Not Believe

Finally PEP

My husband is asleep - the cat won't come into the house - and I am officially off-duty.

PEP - I read the thread you posted. With PRIDE I (very humbly) can say that I AM JUST LIKE YOU in that regard. You know -- the "GET OUT" part.

It comes down to value and RESPECT for yourself - and how you you are modeling behavior for your children.

It was PURE luck that I saw your first posting to me (May 14) on May 30th because I really only read the OLD threads.

I would read it - then get side-tracked by other poster's stories - and then read them. It actually got to a point that I could predict whether they would make it or not. Then I had to reason out - why did some people make it through what I considered horrible - horrible situations. And others didn't. I almost feel like an expert.

PEP - it has to come from personal respect for YOURSELF. The Plan A thing is good - but if you don't DEMAND that respect for yourself - you are actually teaching someone how to DISRESPECT you. You can't demand respect from others if you don't demand it for yourself. I BELIEVE that.

No - I NEVER once thought it was MY fault that this thing happened. I know I was a good - loving - supportive wife.
My husband always admired my independence and I learned (from MY mom)that if I wanted it - if it was IMPORTANT to me - then I better do it or get it for MYSELF!! So he has gained from that attitude as well.

I believe I would have left my husband for good had I known. Especially given our history. I told my husband that we would NOT have had that 2nd child (and I REALLY hated being pregnant anyway).

I would have had too much pride to stay in that messed up situation. I would NEVER tolerate an active affair. NEVER!! I am a fan of Betty Broderick and the dentist who ran OVER her husband several times in the hotel driveway. However - I would have been thinking of my defense - so I would have only ran over him the one time - seriously.

No I would not be able to tolerate what a lot of these people put up with.

It was a good thing I was reading old threads because I would have been telling half of the posters: Get the tears out - but get the plan going. PROTECT yourself. Sure - you can't help but cry - but make some plans. Let them go and burst the bubble.

So PEP - I was actually thinking - given all the threads I've read - maybe it was time to be called out so that I can utilize my knowledge to help others EMPOWER themselves. God knows I learned a lot here from you and Lynn G. You know - share the knowledge. why? cause KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!

Except - I am sometimes too direct and blunt. Sometimes some people need the soft touch. I'm not good with the "soft touch" - that's why I backed out of counseling. Some of my colleagues -- knowing me -- said my method might actually cause someone to commit suicide. I get too intense and frustrated when I can't get someone to SEE the light.

PEP - before I get side-tracked again - your question: AM I HAPPY?

You know what I've learn. There is NO way to be HAPPY all the time. What you do is get enjoyment out of the moment. When this thing first happened - it was running in the front of my mind every second. But reading so much showed me that this was normal. I had to go through stages.

I've really been reflecting on my life and marriage and I can say that I enjoyed life and had many happy fulfilling moments. Simple things like smelling the roses I planted near my porch and deck so that I can just walk outside - reach over - and smell them. Sitting around in my porch glider looking at the blue sky and watching these 2 birds build a nest - piece by piece. Going to a Prince concert - my college football games to watch the band perform. Family holidays and travel.

I kinda lost my joy in those things at first - but more and more - those moments of contentment - peace - joy comes. This thing really took my peace or mind for a while and I still don't have it back 100% - but it's been a year since that last fateful phone call - so I am more at peace.

My husband's actions and all the things he has done to reassure me really made this whole process more bearable. I don't know what I would have done had he showed no remorse - but I know for sure I know me - and no way could I take the disrespect AND kiss his XXX at the same time. No Mam - No way.

PEP - I am all about empowering woman. My male students thinks I'm sexist. I actually perpetuate it. I always warn my girls about men and how they act. I have 2 boys. I know how men talk about woman and how they DISRESPECT woman. I was always determined NEVER to be a woman LIKE THAT.

I always tell my female students - EDUCATION - EDUCATION - EDUCATION. I tell them the same stories my MOM told me. What you do NOW will determine how well you live LATER on. You don't know WHAT life will bring. But it WILL bring something. Prepare yourself.

You want to be a stay at home mom (my mom was until her youngest was in 4th grade) - even more reason to get the EDUCATION first. Cause YOU NEVER KNOW.

So I would love to advise - analyze and advise - but I can't pretty it up. I can only tell you how it is. How I see it. What I would do. I will get mad on your behalf and I will feel your pain - and cry with you cause I can't help myself. But for sure - I will get MAD.

See - I know my flaws.

So PEP - A quick Thanks for noticing me. Know what - I had no idea I was being tracked. You must wonder - well when DID you actually work given you were on line so often.

I'll have to explain that another time. I just realized it's 2:50 am. I guess you figured out my husband and I are both teachers and SCHOOL IS OUT.

Yeahhhhhhhh.

Can Not Believe

I agree with you on this one. How are we even to know that the other man was duped? Maybe she told him it could be another mans. Either way your husband didn't know the boy existed for waaaaay longer than the other two adults (his mom and her husband) so why is your husband responsible for 'fixing things'?

Yeah, this is a strange situation. If anyone had EVER asked me to take a DNA test I would have complied in two seconds. I would have wanted to prove my mom is not a liar. And honestly, as I said before I can see their viewpoint in this.

My mom gave me my bio dad's last name at birth and put his name on the birth certificate. (this was in the 60s, I don't know if that is allowed by unmarried women anymore). When my sister found that out in 2008 she about fell over. To her that even more 'proof'. I never really understood that because well, if my mom was a liar she could lie on paper too right? LOL Anyway, my mom was young and made rash decisions (to run away when he was not supportive and then to not contact him for 7 years).....but she did not hide anything.

Ditto.
Plus, in our situation, my H stopped drinking and went to AA where he's become one of the "old vets", not unlike myself on the MB forum. When my H was becoming a sober man, I soon had a melt down. I had been wearing the pants in the family for such a long time, it was a painful revelation to recognize my unavailability to a more involved spouse. Al-Anon helped.

Melodylane and I both know we are not cut out for Plan A. Getting a grip on Plan A was the biggest challenge for me when I was learning MB. Like you, when I write things out I begin to develop a deeper understanding of the problem at hand. That's one reason I wrote the carrot/stick of Plan A. I wrote it in a way that I could make some sense of Plan A, and see Plan A in a way that was not demeaning to the betrayed spouse. Then, that one post sort of took on a life of it's own. I'm not big on groveling.

One thing I'd like to share with you in particular is that posting on MB has been a blessing to me. My own flaws eventually work their way into my posts, and I am faced with finding ways to better myself. I used to get very impatient with people who were slow to grasp things that are so dang clear. Clear to me NOW, that is. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I am burdened with a prejudiced attitude against intellectually sluggish minds. My thoughts click along at a fairly brisk pace, and I will leave slower thinkers in the ditch because I become impatient. I've made progress with myself in that regard, but I have oodles of room for improvement.

I did not wonder why you were reading so much MB. I did find it curious that you were reading so many old threads. I was curious to learn which side the the OC dilemma you were working your way through. I thought you might be an OC mama. An OC papa. I had no way to tell. The other possibility was you were researching for a book or screenplay or something. I knew that the odds were you'd turn out to be the BS looking to find peace regarding an OC. I like reaching out to lurkers. Especially lurkers who registered awhile back, read copiously, and never say a peep.

It's fun 'talking' to you. Thanks so much for responding, finally. I DO respect the lurker right to stay silent, but then I wonder "Why register if you aren't going to post?" it's not really a valid question, but I don't care.

I believe the search function does not work unless you are registered and logged in.

It's a wonder you stuck it out with me. FF=slow learner LOL

You were traumatized and in crisis. You are not a slow learner.
My medical experience helps me recognize the difference. No one learns complicated new skills well while in crisis.

First of all

FAITHFUL

I had to laugh at your quick and (SO TRUE) answer to Pep's "wonderings" Why register if you don't post?

Yeah - the search function does NOT work unless you do.

Anyway - PEP

I so WANT to say - "seems like we are just alike" - but it might sound like bragging - so I don't want to go there.

SO

Once again - thanks to you - !!! I ACTUALLY MADE MY DEBUT POSTING !!! or what I consider to be debut to another poster on a different topic.

Okay - Okay - PEP - you were there. So I wasn't scared. But I did state my opinion on something that I DO know something about.

Thank you for opening the door and giving me the courage.

Now I have to find out how do watch what other people are watching on this site.

After all - KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

Can Not Believe

Can_Not_Believe - I'm really sorry but what you wrote to marry on her thread was harmful advice. She is seeking any justification she can get for not confessing her affair. You have lived with an H who did not confess his affair to you for - how many years? - and you have just given her that justification.

I don't know why you'd do that.