Plan b is the next step here again! Have read a lot on this site and have the survive an affair book...she has to come to the realization herself that her family is worth more than a life with dr douche

What did the OM's parents say?

And did you expose the affair to their respective boards?

Bruinsb,

He and his soon to be ex wife have battled for 5 years over custody of there son.

Please speak to this ex wife, she has likely been demonized to your WW by OM, when in fact the chances are she is a good person.

She will likely also be able to provide information on other affairs OM has had, wrap the information up with a bow and present it to your WW. Illusions of happiness with OM destroyed.

Can you find affairs he has had with patients?

God Bless
Gamma

His parents to my knowledge are deceased

Not r yet but I am going to

OK...I have gone with Plan B again....told her to leave and to come in the morning to get her things...tired of being lied to and she had lunch with him today...thats it I am done

Have you exposed this to their job? Exposure 101

Did you write her a Plan B letter? Plan B letter samples
How To Plan B properly

Do you have an IM? IM Training School

It's not Plan B when you randomly go in and out of it, and when you don't prepare, and when you don't do all the things that Dr. Harley says are a part of his Plan B. Plan B is not just "plan kick her out of the house cause I can't stand it any more."

Please take some time to get educated about the tools here and how they can help you in your recovery, whether that recovery is alone or married. You want to read the manuals for the tools and learn their complexities and features, before picking them up and sawing off a limb.

We can help you, if you can calm down enough to follow a plan. Kneejerk reactions and big decisions made in the heat of the moment are not a plan.

Please, my friend, for the sake of your health, for the sake of your future, for the sake of your family: calm down. Listen. Do some reading here about what Dr. Harley says about infidelity.

Here are 30 articles for you to read. Please read them. Please slow down and get educated about what is possible:

How to Survive Infidelity by Dr. Harley

Either you need Plan A, or you need Plan B, or you are going to die a death of a thousand cuts. You are so emotional and raw right now and it is causing you to make kneejerk reactions and decisions in the heat of the moment that are NOT SAFE and are dangerous for you.

Please find out about what Plan B really is and what it's chances are for you, and what Plan A really is, and what it's chances are for you.

Please slow down, calm down, read, and listen.

Regardless of whether you go into Plan B or not, you need to expose the affair far and wide. Dr. Harley says that if this was not done during Plan A, then be sure to do it during Plan B.

No of course this sin is not God's will. God's will is for you to save your marriage, which is why He brought you here today, so you could learn about the tools for doing that and then, armed and trained, go fight the battle.

It's not happening for God to teach you a lesson, either. That's not the way it works. It's happening because someone is listening to Satan. You are in a burning building and in need of rescue; standing around moaning about why it's happening is going to result in you getting burned to death.


Quit asking the same questions over and over again; it is distracting you from doing what needs to get done.

Along with good advice from Markos please read these.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Dr. Harley recommends 3 weeks of Plan A for BW and up to 6 months for BH.

Do you want a divorce? If yes, then get a lawyer and get things going fast.

Do you want to save your marriage? If yes, then first do a proper Plan A--you haven't done this because you don't know how yet. The purpose of Plan A is to put forth the best husband you can be without disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts, even though you are hurt beyond all recognition and angry as hell. Your wife may or may not snap out of the fog while you're in Plan A. Do Plan A for as long as you can take it. Once you've reached critical mass, then move to Plan B, darkness. Once in Plan B, and the affair continues, the affair very well could run into trouble. Most last between 6 months and 2 years. They so often die fast. Once that happens, your wife will remember the last interactions you had when you were being a great husband in Plan A.

GET CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS. Don't let them dictate your actions. Instead, as Marcos and Brain suggested, educate yourself on the Marriage Builders principals and LISTEN to the advice of those here. Between Dr. Harley's writings on this Web site, and the advice you'll get here on the forum, you will acquire the tools to deal with this devastating situation.

Get stronger and have faith. You will get through this, and if you formulate a plan based on Dr. Harley's highly successful framework of principles, you will not only increase your chance of saving your marriage and restoring romantic love into it, but you will come out a better marriage partner.

BrainHurts,

I have read and heard on the radio show last week (and also today which was a repeat it seems) Dr Harley say that for a BH that plan A can go from 6 months to 2 years, depending on the individual BH's emotional state, etc. He said on the show that he tells men to go "all in" while in plan A and do it as long as they can (up to 2 years), which is of course very different than the 3 week advice given to BWs. Steve has also mentioned to me that longer plan As for BHs increase the success rate.

Bruinsb,

You may want to consider a consultation with the Harleys via the coaching center before you make such an important decision as going into plan B or giving up. Do this for yourself, and do this for your kids so you know you have tried all you can to save your marriage. I can say from my own experience that working with Steve has been tremendously helpful in implementing my own plan A the last 7 months. This stuff is counterintuitive and there are lots of nuances so why not work with the experts? The cost of one coaching session is alot less than the cost of a divorce, that you can be sure of.

Blackhawk

OK
I sent a plan b letter. This is the second time in 9 months we have separated. She came back to me in April ready to go and try and after 6 or 7 weeks could not get over the loss of the OM. She started contacting him again and does not think we can make it work...she says she is in love with him and does not lov me the way a wife should.Does this normally happen? Are we going back and forth for a long time to come? or is this really it? She came back in April because she missed me too much...please all of your advice is welcomed

I advised you to do some reading. Did you?

Big guy, if you read the materials as you say you have, you should have none of these types of questions.

She allowed another dude to meet unmet needs by lowering her boundaries around him. It has little to do with you. In her la la land of a relationship this predator has made her feel special enough where she is deciding to leave all that is good in her life. Its fairly simple and completely liberating as the betrayed spouse to know this (and its in the books).

By telling everyone who could possibly have some influence on her decision making about what she is doing AND letting everyone in her deviant boyfriend's circle of friends, family, and colleagues know about his action you make the first and most necessary step towards getting her back. Some of us were lucky that the moronic lifestyle our spouses were leading ended upon discovery. But others need to fight for it. Either way, exposing it and ending it, in my opinion, is romantic and very loving for a spouse to do. Shout it from the mountaintops if you have to. She's yours, not his.

You are assisting an addicted person out of their addled state. Whats more loving than that?

The key is THIS time when she comes back you will have ended the charade of what is their relationship. You cant expect a drug addict to quit the drugs if she is still speaking to, working with, texting to, emailing to, running into, or passing on the highway her drug dealer. It brings back the euphoria of the high and only a clean break with do.

I did and implemented Plan A and B previously back in September when this all blew up to start. I have Dr. Hartley's book surviving an affair as my letter to him back in September was used on the air. So I have a pretty good understanding of most of his concepts. I panicked yesterday and was irrational. I have calmed down and wrote a nice letter this morning explaining that I could not move forward while she was still in contact with the OM. She had only been back in the house 2 months when she started contact with the OM again so only a minimal amount of her things were brought back in. So now I patiently wait?

Wow...that is awesome advice...I will start gathering contact information. Do you ever have doubts that this wont work? Every thing written is great but do none of you ever feel weak? Like it wont work no matter what? that maybe the OM is the right one for her? How do you control your emotions and fears? Do you put it in gods hands and let him deal with it?

bruinsb. You say that WW could not get over the loss of OM and started to contact him again. But in reality, your WW never ended contact because she works with OM.

Your WW is now using the old ploy "I tried but it just didn't work."

Of course it didn't work because WW never ended contact.

You keep asking for our advice...but don't seem willing to take it. You are willing to go into Plan B but won't expose OM and WW because you are afraid it will "piss her off."

I don't get that bruinsb.