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My spouse is a withdrawn person. It is not in his nature to hug me, or kiss me, or seek me out for conversation when we are in the house together, although he will respond positively to such overtures on my part. He rarely approaches me to plan anything together (like a date or a romantic weekend.) He doesn't like to do things together, such as chores, gardening, or cooking, although he frequently will do these things independently. He never indicates that he finds me attractive or sexy, or that he would like to make love, unless I pointedly ask him, in which case he responds affirmatively. He almost always remembers holidays and my birthday with thoughtful little cards and gifts, but he pretty much ignores me around the house.
He doesn't seem to be very sensitive to things which are important to me, although he is, in general, a sensitive and perceptive person. We have only had sex about once in the past year, although neither of us is infirm or unattractive, (and he is remarkably fit, for a man 50 years old, still playing very active sports like soccer and basketball.)
We get along pretty well, although, I feel like I always have to adapt to his preferences and try to enjoy what he is doing, rather than the other way around. I don't feel like he makes any effort to be a part of "my world," and worse, that he has no desire to do so.
He is good-natured, an excellent father, and an admirable man, but I feel like his umbrella or his golf bag, rather than his partner. I don't mean that I feel used. I feel more like I am something that is serviceable for its appointed task (in my case, mothering his children, filling the role of wife) but other than that, he doesn't want, need or use it very often, and certainly doesn't think about connecting with it. He doesn't cherish his umbrella, or seek to delight it. It is just there. That's how I feel.
It has been this way for a long time. At first I was mad and resentful, then hurt, then unfaithful, then guilty and over-sexed with him, (then I stopped the affair), then hurt and resentful again, and now we are just like college roommates who live together, but don't appear to have an emotional connection, or even much of a friendship, although we are not unfriendly. We mostly get along, except when I get hormonal and weepy. I feel very lonely. Even though we have a big family and lots of friends, I feel very alone and starved for affection.
I feel like I would rather get a divorce than tell him about the affair I had. He already seems not to like me, and I have a reputation for honesty with him. I would hate for him to see me in a worse light.
I don't want a divorce. I believe there are spiritual lessons to be learned from staying married. I love him. I don't care if he did have an affair, and I don't care if he made me unhappy in the past, I just want to go on from here and be happy.
Is this possible? Is there some clue that I am missing?

Please respond. Sometimes people outside the situation can see things much more clearly.
I keep trying to work on myself, like all the books say, but I'm not making any progress. I just get angry that I am the one doing this work, when I feel neglected.

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Luro, please start your own thread. We'll be happy to help you once you've done that.

Let us know if you aren't sure how to do that.


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Originally Posted by Luro
My spouse is a withdrawn person. It is not in his nature to hug me, or kiss me, or seek me out for conversation when we are in the house together, although he will respond positively to such overtures on my part. He rarely approaches me to plan anything together (like a date or a romantic weekend.) He doesn't like to do things together, such as chores, gardening, or cooking, although he frequently will do these things independently. He never indicates that he finds me attractive or sexy, or that he would like to make love, unless I pointedly ask him, in which case he responds affirmatively. He almost always remembers holidays and my birthday with thoughtful little cards and gifts, but he pretty much ignores me around the house.
He doesn't seem to be very sensitive to things which are important to me, although he is, in general, a sensitive and perceptive person. We have only had sex about once in the past year, although neither of us is infirm or unattractive, (and he is remarkably fit, for a man 50 years old, still playing very active sports like soccer and basketball.)
We get along pretty well, although, I feel like I always have to adapt to his preferences and try to enjoy what he is doing, rather than the other way around. I don't feel like he makes any effort to be a part of "my world," and worse, that he has no desire to do so.
He is good-natured, an excellent father, and an admirable man, but I feel like his umbrella or his golf bag, rather than his partner. I don't mean that I feel used. I feel more like I am something that is serviceable for its appointed task (in my case, mothering his children, filling the role of wife) but other than that, he doesn't want, need or use it very often, and certainly doesn't think about connecting with it. He doesn't cherish his umbrella, or seek to delight it. It is just there. That's how I feel.
It has been this way for a long time. At first I was mad and resentful, then hurt, then unfaithful, then guilty and over-sexed with him, (then I stopped the affair), then hurt and resentful again, and now we are just like college roommates who live together, but don't appear to have an emotional connection, or even much of a friendship, although we are not unfriendly. We mostly get along, except when I get hormonal and weepy. I feel very lonely. Even though we have a big family and lots of friends, I feel very alone and starved for affection.
I feel like I would rather get a divorce than tell him about the affair I had. He already seems not to like me, and I have a reputation for honesty with him. I would hate for him to see me in a worse light.
I don't want a divorce. I believe there are spiritual lessons to be learned from staying married. I love him. I don't care if he did have an affair, and I don't care if he made me unhappy in the past, I just want to go on from here and be happy.
Is this possible? Is there some clue that I am missing?

Please respond. Sometimes people outside the situation can see things much more clearly.
I keep trying to work on myself, like all the books say, but I'm not making any progress. I just get angry that I am the one doing this work, when I feel neglected.


Welcome yo MB.

So when are you telling your BH about your affair?

The Harleys having a saying "there may be reasons for affairs but never excuses".

Your post has many excuses. Do you have the book SAA?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Luro, welcome to MarriageBuilders.
I'm a guy who had an affair. Thought you'd be interested in my two cents. Sometimes I get a little sarcastic before my morning coffee, so please don't take any of it personally; but this business of improving a marriage requires a thick skin & a willingness, as you say, to step outside one's self, to laugh at ourselves when we catch ourselves trying to twist logic to suit ourselves, and to take some cold, hard looks at what we see in the mirror sometimes.


Originally Posted by Luro
...I feel like I would rather get a divorce than tell him about the affair I had. He already seems not to like me, and I have a reputation for honesty with him.
Well by all means! The most important thing here is to protect your reputation. That's the very definition of personal integrity. Make sure we do what it takes to cover our bums, I always say, right? Does that sound on-target?

Originally Posted by Luro
...I believe there are spiritual lessons to be learned from staying married.
That's very sacrificial of you. Let's see... covering up your affair as an act of self-denial. Hmmm, I'll have to think about that one...

Originally Posted by Luro
...I love him.
But not enough to behonest with him about important aspects of his married life. But not enough to fess up about your affair... I see.

Originally Posted by Luro
...I don't care if he did have an affair, and I don't care if he made me unhappy in the past, I just want to go on from here and be happy.
So why should he care if you had one, right? In fact, I like your approach of arrogating to yourself the right to decide for him whether he even gets to make an informed choice about his marriage. No need to treat him like an autonomous human being, am I right? Or is your definition of "Do unto others" atypically broad?

Originally Posted by Luro
...Sometimes people outside the situation can see things much more clearly.
You might be onto something, Luro.

Originally Posted by Luro
...I keep trying to work on myself, like all the books say, but I'm not making any progress.
Which books advise maintaining a deception to cover up an affair, as a strategy to improve marital intimacy? I want to put them on my list! They must be real page-turners.

Originally Posted by Luro
...I just get angry that I am the one doing this work, when I feel neglected.
Work doesn't end with transparency & honesty -- it begins with them. You stopped working when you stopped being honest.

It actually sounds like you've got a lot to work with. And at some point, yes, your husband will need to get on-board about meeting your needs, or even caring enough to learn what they are. But you can't save a marriage with one foot in and one foot out. You need to lay all your cards on the table, and offer to be "all-in", and then show that you're all-in via your actions.

Have you considered counseling with the Harleys?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by Luro
...At first I was mad and resentful, then hurt, then unfaithful, then guilty and over-sexed with him, (then I stopped the affair), then hurt and resentful again, and now we are just like college roommates who live together, but don't appear to have an emotional connection, or even much of a friendship, although we are not unfriendly.


Luro, you don't have an emotional connection because you are fundamentally dishonest with your husband.

You know, I thought I could rebuild my marriage after my infidelity without telling my BH the whole truth too. But it's like building a house of cards. At some point, it all comes crashing down.

As GO said, lay all your cards out on the table. To do otherwise is manipulative and deceitful. Do you realize that being dishonest about your adultery is nothing more than tricking your BH into staying married to you? You are denying him the power to make informed decisions about his own life.

Even if you do divorce, you owe him the truth. It is no better to blindside him with divorce papers while not telling him the truth of what went wrong in your marriage - not that he is not meeting your needs, but that you chose not to be open and honest with him about your adultery.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Ouch! Everybody is so focused on the affair! Not to make excuses or anything, but in the affair, I was preyed on by a sex addict who slept with at least three women on my block (that I know of) and ruined two marriages. (I think he, himself, was sexually abused, and passed that abuse on to me and a lot of other women.) I'm not saying that excuses what I did, but I didn't go looking for the affair and I was strong enough to stop it, (although he continued to beg me to sleep with him). I don't want it to kill my current marriage. It was two years ago! All the problems that I describe existed in the marriage before the affair, and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man.
There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway? That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?
PS Thanks for thinking about me and my marriage. I appreciate all replies, even if the are not to my liking. You have given me a lot to think about.

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Wow Luro, it seems you have no comprehension of how cruel an affair is! You were preyed on a sex addict - please tell me, are you under 18, mentally disabled, or grabbed and dragged down in a parking lot... if not, then you were a willing participant, so please, you are not a victim of a predator. You were an opportunist, just like him, except your version of your little fantasy backfired. That doesn't make you prey, it just means things didn't go like you wanted.

Nobody here will condone your continued dishonesty to your husband and your utter lack of self-responsibility for what you have done. Are you ready to actually try and work on this, or are you looking to continue to lie to your poor husband.

And if you were to divorce and walk away today, you're just going to do the same thing again to husband #2 unless you learn to take responsibility for your actions and start comprehending what adultery really does to a person and a marriage.

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Originally Posted by Luro
Ouch! Everybody is so focused on the affair!
The reason we are focused on the affair is that it is the cancer that lies underneath the problems in your marriage!

Originally Posted by Luro
Not to make excuses or anything, but in the affair, I was preyed on by a sex addict who slept with at least three women on my block (that I know of) and ruined two marriages. (I think he, himself, was sexually abused, and passed that abuse on to me and a lot of other women.) I'm not saying that excuses what I did, but I didn't go looking for the affair and I was strong enough to stop it, (although he continued to beg me to sleep with him).

Luro, that whole paragraph is full of excuses. You are shifting the blame for your adultery onto the OM. Like alis said, did the OM hold a gun to your head? I'm saying this to you as a FWW - every step along the way that led to your adultery was an opportunity for you to make a choice. I committed adultery not because of my unmet needs. People live in marriages every day and do not have their needs met. I made a CHOICE to commit adultery. I was not forced. I had an affair because I had poor boundaries and I allowed my needs to be met by another man. Period. You must take responsibility for your role and not make excuses.

Originally Posted by Luro
I don't want it to kill my current marriage. It was two years ago!


What's different? You sure didn't care about "killing the marriage" two years ago, so why do you care now? I'm not being sarcastic or flip, I'm being serious. Why do you want to save the marriage now? It needs to be more than simply that you want to delude your BH into believing that you have always been a faithful and honest wife - that is a completely selfish reason.

Originally Posted by Luro
All the problems that I describe existed in the marriage before the affair,

No one has discounted that. We get that. Totally. My marriage had problems before my infidelity as well.

Originally Posted by Luro
and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man.

No, no, no! These are more excuses. You have to stop viewing yourself as a victim. Your BH is the victim. Not you, not OM.

Originally Posted by Luro
There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway? That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?

Luro, that's not a question that can be answered because you cannot compare the pre-adultery marriage with a marriage based on lies. This is a marriage-building forum. Not every marriage CAN be saved, but I would argue that the vast majority deserve the opportunity to try to save, since the vast majority of us got married knowing absolutely squat about how to create a romantic, mutually fulfilling relationship and meet our spouse's needs. Wouldn't the absolute best case scenario be for you to be passionately in love with the father of your children, and he with you?

Originally Posted by Luro
PS Thanks for thinking about me and my marriage. I appreciate all replies, even if the are not to my liking. You have given me a lot to think about.


Please pay particular attention to the replies that are not necessarily to your liking. Sometimes what stings the most is what hits us closest to the bone.


FWW

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Originally Posted by Luro
Ouch! Everybody is so focused on the affair! Not to make excuses or anything, but in the affair, I was preyed on by a sex addict who slept with at least three women on my block (that I know of) and ruined two marriages.

This is kind of what My XW said to me. She slept with a guy that had a habit of sleeping with Married Women. Also said he was a predator. And part of my brain said well that may all be true but can you explain to me that even if he is a predator; How did YOUR panties ended up on the floor and your ankles ended up behind your ears?

I understand you were unhappy but if I am your husband I know there are a lot of guys out there that will cheat with married women. I think your problem with your affair is the guy was sleeping with other women. If he had not then your affair may still be going on.

There are always going to be guys like the OM out there. Heck I have a brother who is a great guy. Nice would give you the shirt off his back. The guy has slept with so many married women it isn't funny. I know him well and love the guy. But he just has a gift of being able to sweet talk women and he gets them into bed. I hate that about him but those guys will always be out there. Even though I love my brother I can't stand his life style. It is hard to believe we had the same parents. I wonder how many lives he has destroyed.



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(I think he, himself, was sexually abused, and passed that abuse on to me and a lot of other women.) I'm not saying that excuses what I did, but I didn't go looking for the affair and I was strong enough to stop it, (although he continued to beg me to sleep with him). I don't want it to kill my current marriage.

So you did not look for an affair bet ended up in one? Don't get me wrong you and your husband have not been having Sex. I get why another guy was able to get to you. It is pretty easy to see why it happened.

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It was two years ago! All the problems that I describe existed in the marriage before the affair, and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man.
There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway? That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?
PS Thanks for thinking about me and my marriage. I appreciate all replies, even if the are not to my liking. You have given me a lot to think about.

You describe a Husband that does not sound all that special to you. You feel so little for him that you can't be honest with him. With the marriage you described I can understand why you were unhappy. Why don't you start facing problems head on and try and get things going in the right direction.

I can tell you this. I really doubt your Husband is happy. I just really doubt that a guy that is not having Sex with his wife is very happy. Something is going on here that is very strange. You two need to have a heart to heart talk. What do you have to lose?

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The guy has slept with so many married women it isn't funny.
IHE, did you disclose this to their many husbands?
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So you did not look for an affair bet ended up in one? Don't get me wrong you and your husband have not been having Sex. I get why another guy was able to get to you. It is pretty easy to see why it happened.
Her affair happened because of her poor boundaries and an opportunity. What are YOU seeing? think


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by Luro
I feel like I would rather get a divorce than tell him about the affair I had.

Fine. Divorce him.


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I don't want a divorce.

Fine. Then tell your H about your adultery.

crazy It's a 2-choice dilemma.
You must choose.
Not choosing is surrendering your integrity to your fears.

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I believe there are spiritual lessons to be learned from staying married.

There are. One spiritual lesson is about integrity & honesty. Another spiritual lesson is about empathy and caring.
You will not learn any lessons until you make the choice.
Door #1 - divorce him.
Door #2 - tell him.


Can't have your cake & eat it too. Your reluctance to be honest is the epitome of "cake eater".

THIS IS PART ONE OF SIX POSTS. PLEASE READ ALL SIX BEFORE RESPONDING. THANK YOU.

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Your thread title:

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Is my marriage kaput? Please weigh in!

Is your integrity/honesty/empathy/caring kaput?

As far as weighing in goes ....... hell no. That's done in the privacy of my own bathroom ! stickout

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Originally Posted by Luro
Ouch! Everybody is so focused on the affair! Not to make excuses or anything, but in the affair, I was preyed on by a sex addict who slept with at least three women on my block (that I know of) and ruined two marriages. (I think he, himself, was sexually abused, and passed that abuse on to me and a lot of other women.) I'm not saying that excuses what I did, but I didn't go looking for the affair and I was strong enough to stop it, (although he continued to beg me to sleep with him). I don't want it to kill my current marriage. It was two years ago! All the problems that I describe existed in the marriage before the affair, and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man.

I believe you.
So what?
You still must make the choice.
Door #1
Door #2




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There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway?

::cluck-cluck-cluck:::

I'll tell you "why", my dear Luro.
Because, deep inside you don't want to be this steaming mess of conflict-avoidance.
Because, deep inside you yearn for intimacy you can never achieve if you remain dishonest.


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That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?

It is my pleasure to address 'that'.
You are a conflict-avoider. That's how your marriage got so far into the weeds. You avoided conflict for years & years which gave your BH the impression that you were content with the circumstances/environment of your marriage. YOU did this by conflict avoidance. You continue the same path as you avoid telling THE MAN YOU MARRIED about the hurt you feel, how lonely you've been and how you conflict-avoided your way into another man's adulterous bed.


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Thanks for thinking about me and my marriage. I appreciate all replies, even if the are not to my liking. You have given me a lot to think about.

You're welcome.

PS:

A conflict avoider IS dishonest and makes choices (sacrifices) to keep the peace. Keeping the peace dishonestly creates an unhappy marriage environment. By allowing your spouse to go down the 'same old' road and not being radically honest with him, this crappy marriage has been created by you!.

You're in the weeds because you walked into the weeds.

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Here is a *primer* about Dr Harley's Giver/Taker concept. Written by star*fish a long time ago.

Originally Posted by starfish from the old days
The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.

But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The giver is all about love and concern and the taker is our selfish side...so how can the giver be bad, or the taker be good?

Everybody recognizes the "good" in the giver and how giving can enhance relationships, but here's how a "bad" giver can ruin your marriage if all your marital choices are made solely selflessly:

*your giver is not honest....he won't tell your spouse what you need because he more concerned about your spouse feels, whether your spouse gets his needs met, than protecting your interests or your feelings. If your spouse asks the giver if it's okay to do something....even something you don't want to do...the giver says okay.

*your giver is the one who creates resentment...all that dishonesty cloaked in care....leads to misunderstandings, mixed signals, missed opportunities. The giver thinks...my spouse should KNOW what I need....just like I know what he needs.

*your giver is your martyr....endless giving creates the ever suffering spouse. Givers are praised for their selflessness, but they become very unhappy until all that's left is to somehow enjoy the pain....and get what secondary gain that offers.

*givers avoid risk and change...no rocking the boat...who knows what could happen? Nope, givers like safety....even when that involves enduring discomfort.

*givers believe in unconditional love...because they don't ask for conditions. They just give.

*givers handle your tender emotions...fear, sadness, care, consideration. They also tend to be weepy and needy.

We all know how "bad" the taker can be....afterall he's the guy who makes selfish demands, angry outbursts and most of our other LBs. But how can the taker be "good"?

*your taker is the guy you need at the negotiation table....because your giver will NOT create harmony, fairness, honesty in the dealings. Without your taker, your giver will create an environment of sacrifice....leading to resentment, anger and loss of love.

*your taker is honest about what you need and gives your spouse the information to CHOOSE to show you he loves you in the way that you would like it. He doesn't require mind reading...he lays it on the table.

*your taker fights for what you need and doesn't let you sit home three weekends in a row...he makes sure you're part of the fun.

*your taker is not an enabler or codependent.

*your taker saves your marriage as often as your giver does by making sure that reciprocity exists.

*your taker is willing to take risks and make changes.


As an example, I'd like to put forward my own marriage and how my giver undermined the happiness in my marriage for years. I NEVER went into negotiations with my taker....so I never even got close to getting what I wanted. I always put my husband first. But I wasn't happy. I didn't like it.....and I BLAMED HIM for not giving me what I wanted even though I wasn't honest and he didn't know how to please me. There is no negotiation without the taker...the giver just says "fine", do what you want. I lived with resentment every time he did what he wanted. I punished him for it too. And I was not someone who he would want to spend time with in the future either because I was pretty much angry all the time.

Letting my taker out saved my marriage. Oh to be sure, I couldn't let my taker rant and rage....but once he wasn't in chains all the time, he was far less volatile. My taker is the one who found out that my husband was actually willing and pretty enthusiastice about negotiation. Instead of the old pattern...H wants to do something...I say yes...then treat him badly. The new pattern goes like this....H wants to do something, I tell him how I might feel enthusiastic about that...we come to an agreement about how we can both get what we need....and I treat him well...and we both have fun! He gets to enjoy his activities without guilt. I know that I won't be neglected because we have also made plans together.

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Originally Posted by Luro
All the problems that I describe existed in the marriage before the affair, and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man.

Absolutely 100% agree with you here.
But, had you more insight you would have written:


"All the problems that I describe existed I CREATED in the marriage before the affair, and contributed to me being vulnerable to this broken, predatory man."

Luro , if YOU do not change your ways, your marriage will not change. You will still be as vulnerable as ever.

You know I'm right. You're not stupid.
The first step of facing conflict is honesty.
The first step of conflict avoidance is dishonesty.

Radical Honesty .... the beginning of intimacy.

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***Link*** to ~~~~ THE POLICY OF RADICAL HONESTY

If you do not click this link and read it over and over, you really need to divorce your husband.

Commit yourself to fighting your conflict-avoidance once and for all if you want to stay married.

If you divorce your husband rather than being radically honest with him, you will remain a conflict avoider and ruin any future relationships in the exact same way.

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Originally Posted by Luro
There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway? That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?

You are hurting him by lying to him. You can't ever create an intimate, romantic marriage as long as you are deceiving your husband. Deceiving him like this is manipulative and cruel. The first step to recovering your marriage is honesty. That comes FIRST. You can't go to the second step until you complete the first step.

The marriage can't be saved as long as you are operating on the basis of dishonesty. That is like putting a band-aid on cancer to see if you "get better" before you commit to saving your life. It is a self defeating proposition.

And please don't use the excuse that this man was a predator. If you are a big enough gurl to drive a car and be married, you are fully responsible for your decisions. If you won't take accountability for your decision to have an affair, that means you won't be accountable in the future and your husband is not safe. Women CAN BE accountable, after all.

So the first step is radical honesty. Stop hurting your husband by lying to him about his life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Luro
... There might be a time in the future at which I could discuss this with my husband, but why hurt him if the marriage can never work anyway? That's what I want to find out, if it seems like the marriage before the affair (which was pretty much the same) was worth saving. Anybody willing to address that?
PS Thanks for thinking about me and my marriage. I appreciate all replies, even if the are not to my liking. You have given me a lot to think about.
Your question, boiled down: Can your marriage be fixed without first reestablishing a foundation of honesty?

I suppose it's possible, Luro, but then you'd be relying on blind chance (and probably not very high blind chance). If you want an approach, a systematic plan, then you start with honesty. That'll give you better odds. No guarantees, but better odds.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I asked for advice, so it's kind of foolish for me to argue with it, but there is more at stake here than just me and my husband. We have a family who would suffer greatly if we were to divorce, children in middle school who are successful and happy. Also, my husband has not been hurt by my mistake, but he sure would be hurt it I laid it on him now. Just how and when am I to lay that mess in front of him, what possible good could come of it?

Last edited by Luro; 06/09/12 12:07 PM.
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Originally Posted by Luro
I asked for advice, so it's kind of foolish for me to argue with it, but there is more at stake here than just me and my husband. We have a family who would suffer greatly if we were to divorce, children in middle school who are successful and happy. Also, my husband has not been hurt by my mistake, but he sure would be hurt it I laid it on him now. Just how and when am I to lay that mess in front of him, what possible good could come of it?

Your tactics are leading to divorce, though. A marriage cannot be salvaged when it is based on lies and deceit. But you already know this because you can see that your methods have not worked. You should tell him the truth if you are serious about protecting your marriage and your children's family. The only possible way to transform your marriage is to tell your husband the truth.

And that is if he decides he wants to stay married to you. He might choose to leave the marriage and that is his right.

But this is hopeless as long as you continue to lie to him. Intimacy is impossible as long as there is a big lie between you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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