Listen to this.
Another excellent radio clip on Dr. Harley explaining forgiveness compared to just compensation.

Radio Clip explaining Just Compensation

Tell me what you think. If you can get her on board with MB then your M may have a chance.

Yep. Then wait to see what actions she take.

...(oops)

I'm sure she would be on board to fixing things and willing to do what is required, the problem is I am not so sure that I am. I just don't see how I get past not only the affair but all of the major damage done since then and the person she became. I can't just chalk that up to a one night affair.

You need to read "Surviving an Affair" if you have not already done so. Your situation is not unlike that of John and Sue.

Most of us who have experienced this disaster in our lives can't chalk it up to a one night stand, either. It has been over a year since my Dday. It has been incredibly difficult for me to get past the personal offense of the betrayal. This is going to take a lot of work from you. Being the BS is no position to be in, but life isn't fair, and you already know that. My experience: Follow Dr. Harley's plan, and your reward will be great.

Melo, the whole concept behind MB is built upon honesty. Your counselor is an idiot.

You need to approach your WW and confirm the truth with her. Tell her that you know about the abortion.

If you want to rebuild your marriage, there can be no hidden secrets like this. This is HUGE. This is a loss of life. Your WW may very well carry a huge burden of guilt over causing the death of her child. She'll need help with this.

And that's only one step. You have much work ahead of you.

I agree with you, but my point is she's not telling me the truth or opening up and telling me EVERYTHING....why do I have to go find out the secrets and confront her with it, shouldn't she be open and honest with me without me having to confront her? This was the biggest problem I had with the affair and all of the lies and secrets throughout.

Honesty was why I married her and this whole [censored] process has been nothing but lies and cover-ups.

Agree Melo. If she can't be honest with you then you have the prerogative to not take her back.

It is completely your choice. Giving a spouse, who isn't repentant, the chance to reconcile can be dangerous for a false recovery. A false recovery can hurt more than a Dday.
False Recoveris voice of experience
False Recovery

Also did you write her a Plan B letter with your conditions to come back to you? What are your conditions?

I have not yet done this, like I said I've been processing this only for a few weeks and it hasn't even been on the table. I was moving hard and fast toward the divorce since she was gone and that was her choice. Now she is back and I have new things to consider. I will start working on this and giving it more thought; but I'm having a hard time with even opening my mind to reconciling after all of this.

Melo-

The abortion is a lot to accept. I was very concerned about this considering the unprotected sex my wife was having. I told her this would have been unforgivable, not on religious grounds, but on sheer stupidity grounds.

Not suRe why I drew a line between unprotected sex and subsequent pregnancy, but I did.

She is going to need to do some incredible things to make this right for you.

Good luck.

That's the problem, I'm not even sure where to begin or what to ask her for. I started writing the plan B letter and point #1 is open and full disclosure of everything. I actually pretty much know everything already so am not sure what the point even is, aside from starting to build some trust by her actually telling me. Any chance there are example letters? I know it is supposed to come from the heart of what I want but I'm kind of stuck on what I should be asking for.

I am also struggling to get past the abortion. She couldn't have carried a baby to term with her medical procedure, but it is the point of irresponsibility and makes me want to vomit and throw in the towel. We have two beautiful children and it sickens me to no end for the loss of life. It's not healthy but I can only get through it if I don't think about it.

She asked me last night if she could move back as "roommates" for the time being until the D is finalized. That is 2 months away and I really don't think it is a good idea. I know she is just using me on that point since it would be easier on her. I am not a quitter but am not sure if this is really going to be worth the amount of work/effort it is going to take.

Here Plan B letter samples
IM Training School
Parallel Parenting In Plan B

It sounds like you are leaning towards trying to forgive which i applaud. She needs a chance to come completely clean on everything that transpired in her affair. Especially she needs to spill what you already know.

Id let her know that this conversation will be pivotal in the future of your marriage. She needs to know that she must tell you everything no matter how embarrassing or hurtful or degrading or damaging it may be. She may even find it freeing in some respect.

If she leaves out the abortion i think you know she cant be trusted.

In the first 2 weeks after dday i ask ed every question and she gave me every answer. All of it hurt. All of it degraded her and humiliated her. I felt sorry for her actually until she told me theres nothing more. There will always be unknowns but i have a really good understanding of what happened and im satisfied.

You need to get to that place with her.

I tend to agree. This is a litmus test. You know something and if she is unwilling to be open and honest about it, that should tell you that she's not ready to be an FWW.

That F is earned. If she's hiding things, then she hasn't earned it.

Do you really want to be married to someone who is willing to hide things from you?

I wouldn't ask her about it. But I would watch to see if she's comes clean. If not, then if it were me, I'd not get too close to the still foggy WW.

As long as she's keeping secrets, she is a WW.

Melo12,

You now have a free polygraph, which many of us wished we had at the time we took our WWs back. Heck I would have appreciated just having 2% of what I learned here back then.

You might also insist on a real polygraph if she passes the free one.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you all, very good advice. I wrote a 2 page (single spaced) letter that includes many conditions (MB being one of them). She and I had such a trust for one another and there were no lies or secrets, ever! I do think she has come out of the fog as her behavior is completely back to "normal". However, my guard is still way up and there is a tremendously long road ahead of us. I will likely move forward with the D and hope in time that we will find each other once again.

Mike, your advice struck me as particularly helpful so thank you as possibly we have similar circumstances....or maybe because you are a guy and I haven't found many willing to share or even consider being able to forgive. I can't worry about it now but family and friends will be a major roadblock as they have all outed her and bringing her around will not be an option IF I choose that path.

I did ask a lot of painful questions last night and she answered them. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but am fixated on the sex part and kept asking specific questions about that. I learned it was not about sex but about her emotional needs that were not being addressed in our marriage. Still, as a man that part is very hard for me to think through and am not sure if I can get past it.

She didn't want to answer some of the questions as she knew it would "torture me" but it was a start that she was willing to discuss as I said it is my right to know whatever I want.

Theres plenty of us on here who have chosen the path of forgiveness. Leaving and giving the A more credence than it deserves is easier. Easier isnt better in this case.

You are going to ask ALL the questions you need answered and demand truth. Once you had all you questions answered and have determined that youve gotten the truth, you are to no longer ask about the A. If there is lies, stretches of the truth, or anything that you believe is being said to avoid conflict, this is a problem. I really would need her to tell you about the abortion. That is the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Thats way too huge to be kept as a skeleton in your marriage closet. Again, once all questions are done its time to get on getting your M back on track.

You should come back here and let us help you with the emotions. You'll find a bunch of us who have walked your walk and they saved me from mistakes countless time.

Yes, its a kick in the you know whats to learn you wife gave herself to another dude FOR ANY REASON. Really emasculating. MB teaches us, in the case of cheating woman primarily, that they do it lots of reason outside of sexual need. The guy however is looking to get some, thats it. Once you appreicate this life gets a little easier. My wife sought out some material things like clothing and nice dinners as well as a meaningless income as his assistant and other nonsense which frankly makes her look absolutely pathetic considering what she nearly destroyed. Her guy wanted tookie. And, he found in a morally weak person in my wife (and a second girl by the way).

You can become a hero like me. Let time work its magic and the agony does diminish. Sometimes a person needs to be woken from an addiction and removed the self destruction they cannot see. My wife told me recently she looks back and cannot believe the person she was and thanks me for helping her through the dark.

Yes, I still have a lot of questions and will wait for her to "come clean" on the abortion. The truth and her providing full disclosure was #1 on my list to her in my letter. I am not going to push her today but am also not going to wait 6 months for her to decide that she's finally ready to talk the truth. I need to start trying to repair something and move foward and it starts with her opening up.

I will definately be in need of support along the way as I'm not even sure what more emotions are left in me to go through. I'm numb to the pain and can no longer let anger rule my life. One of my biggest fears is that I will constantly resent her and throw the affair back in her face down the road when we run into problems.

I know she didn't leave me for sex but as a man it is hard to get past some dude banging my wife for 5 months and now I have to forgive it and get over it. She's got a lot to fix in her life first as she did the same type of thing; was his personal assistant in her "job" and he spent all kinds of money on her and told her eveything she wanted to hear. She has lost friends over this, self respect, and possibly me. I know she is hurting and regrets everything but still finds enough room to remind me of problems we had in our marriage. While they are true and are likely the reason she turned to someone else to "meet these needs" it pisses me off as it still seems like an excuse or reasons to justify what she did.

Melo12,

One of my biggest fears is that I will constantly resent her and throw the affair back in her face down the road when we run into problems.

Then get ever detail you need, I made the enormous mistake of letting the affair go by the wayside 20+ years ago, IT DIDN't. Details are still coming out now and again from my W.

And you are right to give WW some time, but not decades as I did.

God Bless
Gamma

The OM called her last night and she immediately called me afterwards to tell me. I was irate that she had contact with him period, but was pleased that she called to tell me the extent of their conversation. She did write him a letter last week (that I read) that she wanted no contact with him and to leave her alone. She changed her email address and closed her Facebook account. I was with her last week when she changed her cell phone # but her concern was this guy had connections and could obtain her new number. I know it is hard for anyone to believe, but I do trust her on the point that she did not give him the number. The past 2 weeks she has been very open and I'm seeing the old person I loved and trusted for 12 years. She is really trying to make an effort to repair the damage and move on with her own life; the baby steps we have made have been productive.

I was upset since I gave her the letter yesterday which one of my conditions was "no contact, ever". She said she only talked to him to ask him how he got her number and to never contact her again. Part of me wants to go with her to change the number again but this crazy nut job may be able to track it down and she has promised me she will tell me if he calls again. Do I give her credit for immediately calling and telling me? My guard is still up and I know it sounds nuts but she opened up to me more last night and told me things about the A so feel like we are making progress. First thing this morning I sent an email to his wife telling her about it as she is trying to R with him.