My wife of 8 years met a married guy at a friends party on New Year�s Eve where they had a kiss. The past months I�ve uncovered lie after lie to find out she is going to work for him, move in with him, and has left the marital home with me remaining with my 2 little kids. We do every other weekend and 2 days during the week. His wife has also since filed for divorce and has a child.

I feel like I�m living in a bad movie with the amount of secrets, lies, and cover ups. The worst thing about it is that she�s putting it all on me for my lack of attention, selfishness, etc. and that she�s been �pouring her heart into this marriage for years�. I finally realized this is not on me and I filed for divorce last month. I am fighting a possible losing battle for my kids to keep them safe, shielded, and have some sense of normalcy as she tries to move them 100 miles from their home so she can find happiness in her new life.

She moved out last month and last weekend was the first weekend that my kids went to "mommy's house" for the weekend. I was very concerned about the other man being around my kids as they are young and am sure all of this is confusing to them. Out of respect, I specifically asked her to not bring him around me for the drop off and pick up and she said she would be alone all weekend with the kids out of respect for them.

Well I picked up my kids and my son was holding a dollar bill; I asked where he got the money and he said "other guy's name". My older one said he played with them all weekend and spent the night. I asked who he was and was told by my child "mommy's boss and her friend". I was told that he slept on the floor in the living room (with mommy) and my oldest child woke up in the middle of the night and mommy went and slept in the bed with my children.

She of course denied that he spent the night and only came over for a short period of time to meet the kids; she wants to "slowly transition" him to be around them. I think she's completely lying but even still, I do not feel this is healthy since it is only 3 months into all of this! Trying to legally block it from happening again but not a whole lot I can do; she's in fantasy land and sees no issues with this.

For the mom's, is it just me or is being around another man at this point messed up and completely wrong?!

I still find myself obsessing over how long they could possibly last and have been researching statistics on relationships born out of affairs; especially under these circumstances. I haven't been able to let this go and have no interest in taking her back, so hate this "revenge" piece that I wish to see. If anyone has any comments or support on this, it would make me feel better, for today at least.

You are not wrong. It is a disgrace.

Melo12,

You need to expose this OM to everyone in his life that matters, his work, his clients/customers/profession his church, his parents/grandparents/siblings. This guy is a danger to your children and is destroying your family. Don't warn or threaten just do it quickly and completely.

The statistics on molestation/abuse by stepparents are not pleasant either.

God Bless
Gamma

Affairs have something like a 95% failure rate. But don't bother trying to educate her, she will not listen to you.

Your WW thinks she found her soulmate and right now is hell bent on ending your marriage.

The moves you make must be tactical. Do not try to reason with her.

If you decide to try and save your marriage, your best hope is a nuclear exposure. The vets will be along to explain what that is soon. Good luck.

Sorry you're here. Welcome to the club.

The first thing I would do is talk to the OM's wife. She may be your best ally in this fight. She may not even know about this, nevermind not have already filed for divorce. Waywards lie. Do not believe a word from your WW's mouth right now.

Talk to OM's wife. Find out what she knows. See if she will help you put an end to this affair.

Talk to OM's wife first and report your findings back here.

Do it today.

Actually I did that before I even found you guys here. I did this in late Feb and she had no idea. She sounded scared as he is a control freak and even though she was very appreciative that I told her, she said it is probably best if we don't talk any more. My attorney said it was probably best as he didn't advise in the first place, didn't matter to me. The other man called me the next day pissed off, but I'm like F-U, you're messing around with my wife and lying to your own!

Not interested in messing with him or his life as this is on my wife, not him. Just want to shake her out of her craziness so she gets her head out of her [censored] and does what is right for her kids; no interest in getting back with her. Way too much damage and disrespect has taken place.

You did the right thing, the OMW needed to know. THe next thing to do is expose to anyone that matters to him that can influence him to end the affair--

work, family, etc.

Hurrah to you for NOT BACKING DOWN when OM called you!

Your lawyer is really not going to be much help in busting up the affair.

Melo, does this rat have a facebook page? What does he do for a living? Your best weapon against this guy is to expose the affair wide and far to his family and friends. That will ruin the affair for your wife because she will not be able to show her face within his family. It will also force the OMW to take a stand [hopefully] if she has others to support her.

That is where I think your best weapons lie. Affairs thrive on exposure, so doing the best possible exposure will have the greatest impact on the affair.

Melo12,

Not interested in messing with him or his life as this is on my wife, not him.

The part where he is destroying your childrens family however is on him, and for that reason alone you have to take him down. OM knew your W had children and chose to ignore that fact at his own peril.

That OM chooses to pretend he is a surrogate father is even more sickening, and is teaching your children a horrible lesson.

God Bless
Gamma

Screw that. This scumbag is coming around your kids and banging your wife. Make his life a living hell. Make this affair very unpleasant for the both of them. You do that through EXPOSURE. You expose to everyone and you can be sure WW and OM have not told anyone the truth. They are liars.

Yes, you have the right to divorce. But your kids will be better off if you saved the marriage with the Marriage Builders program. And believe it or not, you'll be better off too.

Divorce is expensive. Divorce is bad for the kids. Divorce sucks.

You should at least try to save your marriage. If you fail, what have you lost, a few months of hard work? If you succeed, you will have saved your children from growing up in a broken family.

You'll be a hero.

Melo, in order to kill this affair, you need to raise hell with that rat. OM are cowards and worms who can be easily run off. They don't like the trouble. You should not only expose to his family and friends, but he should hear from you directly. Call his wife and stay in contact with her.

Send exposure letters out to all his facebook contacts, call his parents, raise hell in this guys life and run him off!

Here is the message you should send that RAT:

ITA with ML.

But if you do FB exposure allow 1 minute between messages or you will be stopped from messaging for a while.

Do you want that scumbag raising your kids?

Are you kidding me??? What, has your WW got him tied up in the basement or something???

One of your goals in killing this affair is to make his life on earth a miserable Hell! This man-ho is around your children, Melo!

You need to expose this affair to every person you know who can help you put pressure on these two to end their affair.

Does man-ho have a Facebook page? You need to copy all of his friends into a Word.doc. This is will valuable to you when you expose the affair. You read that right, Melo: Not IF you expose, but WHEN you expose. Because your chances of getting your WW back are pretty slim unless you do.

HE'S BRIBING YOUR CHILDREN, MAN.

Wait, is OM your WW's boss? Does WW work with OM? Does she work with OM and her boss knows about the A?

Cuing up workplace exposure...

OM BW needs to know that your WW has moved out of your home and is planning on moving OM in. It is possible that OM BW may still have no idea what is actually going on here. She sounded in denial and is probably being gaslighted by WH.




You are playing right into your WW plans. She has it all worked out. She moved out and will tell everyone that the marriage was over but has since met a great new man who came to her aid. She will tell everyone what a nice man he is and how he has stepped in to help her. Your WW's friends and family will welcome OM into their lives and homes because he was her saviour.

You are basically letting her get away with this because you don't want to mess with him.





She will not do what is right for her kids. You can already see this. Whether you want to save your marriage or not...you still need to expose this OM for the homewrecker that he is. That is how you shake your WW out of her craziness. You burst the fantasy bubble that she is hiding under.

Please do not let your kids think that what is happening to them is normal or ok. OM is breaking up their family and they deserve to know truth about their own life. When they get older, they will be shocked that you hid the truth from them and let them think that OM was their friend.

I'm sorry this happening to you.

Melo12,

His wife has also since filed for divorce and has a child.

You might want to look into this losers background, he may have a string of failed marriages, each produces one child for him and then he abandons them. However for the rest of your childrens life they will be tied to this user through the blood of their half-sibling. Don't let your family become another hit and run casualty of this creep.

God Bless
Gamma

Now I'm all messed up; my kids are young and I don't want to screw them up or pit them against me, which is a concern my IC said to me. All of my friends and family know and honestly she only has two/three friends and one is slowly back to being her friend again even though she doesn't support what she did. Friday, I emailed her brothers and they have not replied. Her parents know the truth but just want to help with the kids; they are upset but I think they feel they need to stand by their daughter - its kind of odd but this is new to me.

He owns a business and she was a stay at home mom; now she is working for him. I am one of the few who decided not to join Facebook, so can't get on there to friend him or whatever to get his contacts. However, I do agree with pokerface's last post; she's already re-written our whole marriage to anyone who will listen, saying it is all on me.

I could reengage conversations with his wife, but for what purpose? To see if she will expose him on her side? I got the feeling she thinks I'm just out for revenge when at this point I don't give a [censored] about them, I just don't want my kids screwed up and in the middle of their "happy new life".

What you would do is start up a facebook page, put up a photo of you and your wife with your children. Copy and paste all his facebook contacts into a WORD doc and save it. Go to the pages of all his facebook contacts and send them private messages. See templates in the thread in my link.

Also, you need to tell any children over age 4 about their mothers affair. If you don't, they will be screwed up because your wife will tell them lies. They will imagine the worse about you.


No, you need to expose on his side; don't leave that to her. The purpose of contacting her is to compare notes and help kill the affair. She can be your most valuable ally.

Your wife's affair will screw up your kids. But you can mitigate the damage if you sit them down and tell them the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies and adultery. They need your moral guidance.

Melo, the only way you can screw your kids up is to allow this bullcrap to continue. The sooner you separate this POSOM from the situation, the better. You are being replaced, don't let it happen.

What kind of business?

Well then, now would be a pretty good time to join. After doing so, try and friend his wife. That would probably give you access to his friend's contact info if she hasn't de-friended him already. If she has (or he has), then there are other methods. Shoot, call her and ask. What could it hurt? Besides, you need to explain to her this isn't about revenge, but about doing right by your family and your children. I don't think there are too many women out there that wouldn't understand this and be willing to help.

WHO has told them WHAT? Did you tell them yourself about her affair? Or was she allowed to spin them with some "story?" Do they not care about their grandchildren either? It doesnt sound like they care much about their daughter if they are "standing by her" while she destroys her life and her children's life. And sure, some parents don't give a RIP about their kids. Is that the kind of people they are?

Melo,

Youre displaying some pretty standard resistance new BH tend to show when given advice. These moves you are being told to make are tested, proven and based on decades of research on 1000 of real couples experiences.

Some of it is opposite to what you may think is best but all of is required if you intend to save you wife and kids from this marauder. She is really under the spell of this guy. So much so she willing to destroy your children's young lives.

I would listen hard and do everything to the letter that you'll read here.

Whether you want her as your wife or not, ending this affair will help you make decisions like that with much more clarity.

Get the books written by the owner of this start which give data and reasoning for techniques used and advocated by veteran posters.

Stay focused.

Exposure is all about the words that you use. You ask for support in influencing the waywards to end their immoral behaviour which they are subjecting your children to. This is not vengeful...it is a father doing right by his kids. Can OM BW give you OM parents phone number so you can ask them to keep their son away from your wife and kids? They may not be so willing to welcome your WW into their family when they know the true story.

Here is a link to some sample exposure letters which can be tweaked for your own situationclick here

...last weekend was the first weekend that my kids went to "mommy's house" for the weekend.

The fight hasn't even started, and you've surrendered?

Under what set of agreements and controls does the cheater decide when the children get to visit her at her little "love-shack"?

Let's get THIS part straight right now - Last weekend was the LAST FRICKIN' WEEKEND your children leave your marital home (THEIR childhood home!) to go listen to Mommy play slap-and-tickle with her new boy-toy.

What the HELL were you thinking, when you agreed to that foolishness? Unless there's a court-order in place mandating it, when Skank-mommy shows up next weekend, don't be home!!!

Trying to legally block it from happening again but not a whole lot I can do; she's in fantasy land and sees no issues with this.

Who cares what she sees? She's a sex-addict right now, playing with her new drug of choice. She gets to make no decisions about your children's future - NONE!!!

If she wants to pursue visitation at her place, she'd better know that she and POSOM will be sub-poenad to testify at the hearing which will be held to determine what is in the children's best interest. Threaten to have the children testify as well, about how POSOM comes over to stay with Mommy.

Your job now is NOT to be understanding, but to be a junk-yard dog about their well-being.

MelodyLane - yes she told her parents as I was trying to "do the right thing" and let her tell them. I now know that is completely crazy sounding since if she told them half the lies she has told me, they are probably against me. When I approached her mom she said, "you mean the boyfriend" "yeah we have concerns about her working for him as she's putting all her eggs in one basket". She said they begged her to get counseling for years and won't listen to anyone's advice. So you can see its messed up; and I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle at this point.

This is all new and scarey for me so yes, I am resistant. Maybe I need to sleep on it; I'm all about strategy and doing things that are proven to be effective, just wish I would have found this site last month. Not saying it is too late, but feel they've already moved on at this point and I look like I'm reaching to try to get her back a few months after the fact; which really i do not want her. Does that make sense? Yes the kids being exposed to him is totally wrong and needs to stop now; I just have to follow the legal advice versus telling her she can't have the kids.

Hopefully you can see now that wasn't the "right thing" to do, right? You need their assistance in helping their daughter and helping you save your marriage. I would call them up and give them all the facts about the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. People will usually help if they have any heart at all. Some parents truly don't give a crap and will make excuses like "we just want to her to be happy!" [which is a lie, they really don't care] But the story needs to come from you. YOU should be the one to call all of her family and ask for their support.

This, from your mother-in-law??? Did you remind her that she has grandchildren who will be affected by her daughter running around, putting her eggs in one basket??

That's what I am saying; her parents feel like they are helpless and can't control her. When I told her about the kids being around her boyfriend she was like "is there anything you can do legally"? I'm like what the ------ talk some damn sense into your daughter!! Her dad had affairs while married so I get the sense they either 1) accept it or 2) have no clue how to handle it. Ugh!

Melo12. They are moving on because they have had no resistance or pressure from anyone to stop. There has been no resistance because everyone has been deceived to believe that the relationship is legitimate.

I understand that you do not want her back at this point. Really I understand. But right now your mission is to kill this affair and save your kids from having this POSOM as their new Dad.

Are you working on your Facebook page?

Stop calling him her boyfriend. He is her adultery partner.

Have you exposed to OM parents? Mothers are very protective of their sons and I bet she will not like to hear that he is in an adulterous relationship and is the reason your wife moved out.

Melo, try and give them a clue. Give them all the facts about how the affair started and tell them she left to pursue her affair. Ask for their help. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. If not for your sake, for the sake of your children.

How old are your children?

...I get the sense they...have no clue how to handle it.

No surprise there, amigo. Most people do NOT know how to effectively fight a married woman's selfish, immature decision to abandon her family to pursue pleasure with another man. They don't, and obviously neither do you.

Fortunately you have landed here among the cadre of folks who are armed with that knowledge. Foolishly, you, as the tyro, want to invest more energy in debating, questioning, and cowering, than in listening, learning, and fighting.

Listen to what is being said here. You cannot "nice" your way back to your marriage. Her little snow-globe world involves what we call "cake-eating". She wants the mommy-strokes of having her kiddies occasionally, but not enough to interfere with here new erotic activities.

You job is to FIGHT, dammit! You expose, you trumpet to the heavens what she's been doing. You contest everything. You deny her access to the kids. If possible, you cancel the insurance on her car. You take her off your medical coverage. You do everything in hour power to upset her little scheme. You do not "understand"!

THAT IS WHAT YOU DO! And you do it because the folks that you have come to for help, who have been through your situation, tell you that it will work for you.

I've emailed her parents, brothers, and friends.

I'm not just sitting on my hands watching, there are legal things I cannot do. Like cancel insurance, withhold her access to the kids, etc. we both sat there with the attorney and she said she would not have him spend the night when the kids are there. I can't legally block her from having him around other times, so I'm not being nice - just don't want to screw myself long term in a custody fight.

I do appreciate the advice and support here, just trying to go about it the right way. The kids are both under 7.

Melo,

The only person I exposed to on the OM side was his mother! It killed the affair DEAD! The only problem was that I did it too late. If I would've done it when I should've things might of been different for my marriage.

Don't be scared to do it--learn from my mistake.

Dr. Harley's Radio Clip on discussing telling the children even as young as 4

Dr.Harley's advice on telling the children
Infidelity the Lessons Children Learn By Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers

Is there a more effective way to contact OM mother? I tracked down an address so want to see if a letter is fine versus a phone call. Hoping that it is not too late as these two are moving on already; his wife filed for divorce one month ago as well, I confirmed this.

there are legal things I cannot do. Like cancel insurance, withhold her access to the kids...we both sat there with the attorney...

Yes you can. You haven't the guts to try. It doesn't matter if you sat before the legion of angels, none of that "nicey-nice" is valid until signed by a judge.

And your SWYFF is better at playing the game than you are, dude. She (let me stop laughing before continuing) "said she would not have him spend the night when the kids are there"? Here's a clue: She lied! And without the force and power of the courts behind the prohibition, she suffers no penalty for it.

(Why do the new BHs here all act so...honorable?)

Phone call. This gives you more credibility. I know you can find the number if you really try.

Let his mom know that your WW has abandoned your two young kids who are now heart broken and traumatized. Ask her to use her influence to get her son to stop subjecting your kids to his immoral behaviour with their mother.

Melo12. I would bet anything that OM parents have been gaslighted by this POS and therefore, think that their son is rescuing your poor wife. They probably think he is a knight in shining armor. Let them know the truth and hear the heartbreak in your voice.

What have you got to lose? You want to be able to look your kids in the eye and tell them that you did everything you could to stop this destruction and keep this POS out of their lives.

Is OM the owner of the company where your WW now works?

Call OM's mom today. It takes guts.

Calling OM's parents is one of the best things I did. His dad was like, "WHAT!!! I had no idea this was going on!" Later that week OM ended it with my WW, for a good few months anyway.

"Your son and my wife are having an affair. It's destroying my family. I have two kids. This affair is destroying his own family."

Yes, he owns a business and she "works" for him. this is good for me from an alimony perspective and shes out of the house (living with him) so I'm actually fortunate not to have to deal with her.

The kids are my only concern and I have them here; only interested in fighting for them. If he dumps her, no job and she moves back here. I'm trying to be smart about this and weigh my options; not even sure if it will blow everything up by contacting OM mother at this point.

Mel, Marital, Pep, etc. all encouraged me to contact OM's family and expose.

I would say that after OMs mother got the exposure lett -- and called me for a brief conversation to tell me my W was a slut and hoped she was in counseling and her dear boy would never intentionally hurt children or ruin a family blah, blah, blah...

I would say at that point the affair was either dead or atleast on the way to the morgue...

Expose.

Dude, your wife "working" for her OM is eerily too close for my comfort.

Been there, my friend. And, since my wife OM business was on autodrive and a big success for the early part of the A, there was nothing but unfettered time to co-mingle with my wife.

Get to work ending this thing.

You got a lot of things going on in your head. We get it. Sometimes we get a BH with a WW on here who are wicked deep in the 'fog' meaning nothing else matters to her but a deviant hell-bent on destroying as many innocents as possible.

You have done nothing to make this happen. You didnt drive her into the arms of this a-hole. She let this guy in and got hooked. As easy at that it can happen.

If you follow this plan, carpet bomb exposure first, then a strategy that will be laid out for you to regain this thing.

But, you need a plan. And a plan can only be created if you both follow the advice of people on here AND you read the material on this site and the books. The plan will include a recipe for recreating the romantic love you and she once had. HOWEVER, it doesnt start until you EXPOSE this affair to anyone and everyone who can help end it.

OK, there's some support for you.

Follow these up with a phone call.

The A happened 3 months ago and my wife moved out 1 month ago. It's almost too late as they have started their "new life" and I feel like the crazy husband out for revenge. Does that make sense? It seems like I would only do this if I wanted to R, which I do not.

I am not afraid to do it, but have to do what makes sense for me. I'm already getting the feeling that her family is getting fed up with me, I've had a few conversations with her parents and they just listen; don't respond or say anything and say they just want to help with the kids. Neither of her brothers or their wives responded to my email.

It's like all have moved on and accept this but me and I'm the bitter guy trying to get back at everyone.

Your situation sucks and I�m sorry you�re going through it. I would file a few things and to help yourself legally. First of all, what State do you live in? Is there an alienation of affection law?

Request that your lawyer file a motion restricting having the paramour (OM) around your children at all. Your lawyer works for you. File it.

Then file a motion for sole physical and legal custody. You won�t get it, but the objective here is to show your WW that she stands to lose a ton. 90% of the battle you�re in is psychological and a legal motion telling her that you�re ready to go to war will do much to wake her back into reality.

If you�re up for it, wear a sign that says, �the owner of this business is having an affair with my wife� and then walk back and forth in front of his business. Get a permit if you need to, but make his life hell.

Tell the OM�s parents. Exposure is critical to killing the affair. Your lawyer won�t agree with this, but if you wish to kill the affair then you must expose it. There is nothing more effective to killing affairs than exposure.

That should take care of you legally. The escalation will bring your WW back to you where she�ll try to reason with you in some way. Use the opportunity to Plan A. Tell her that you�re happy to discuss ways to save your marriage, but that you won�t discuss any legal matters since your lawyer handles all of that.

Team up with the OMW in terms of legal issues. The two of you together would make a powerful hammer against both of them and you can share intelligence in establishing the fact that they�re having an affair and that there is marital misconduct.

But the secret for you is to not be timid, not be fooled into believing that there is such a thing as an amicable divorce.

Finally, are you religious at all?

Just to be clear, I did expose to OM wife - almost immediately; she had no idea and filed for divorce from him the next day. I confirmed this. She appreciated that I told her but doesn't want any contact with me and asked that I don't reach out to her anymore, so I am not going to keep calling her.

Like I said, a month after they've moved in together and started their "new life" makes me feel desperate and revengeful and I'm just not seeing the purpose since I will not be R.

I'm in MI and do appreciate the legal advice. I will ask my lawyer about filing the restricting order; I asked this early on and was told it is hard to enforce, unless I want to hire a private investigator to check on them.

Yes on religion; the only thing outside of family/friends keeping me going.

Is your wife religious? What faith?

Melo12. I understand that you are done. You are justified in that decision. I still think that you need to expose to OM parents. They need to know what their son is doing to another family and they need to hear the TRUTH. I tell you that as a mother. I would want to know. It does not have to be vengeful.

Given that you are absolutely done, then you need to hire a pitbull attorney who will fight for your kids. Your legal guy does not seem to "get" or care what your kids are being subjected to and how confusing and traumatizing it is for them.

Many people on these boards have it written into the custody agreements that the kids are not allowed around affair partner. It may even be possible to limit visitations to WW for the day only with no overnights. Fight for full custody...that would be the best outcome for your kids. They need to be in a stable environment where they are not subjected to immoral behaviour. You are their rock and the only person they can rely on to look after their best interests.

Give up the dream of a friendly divorce...they are never friendly. Why would you even consider giving your WW a get out of jail free card? She is messing with your kids heads.

edited to add: Actually the best outcome for your kids would be a loving and happy home with your wife and you both in it. Are you sure you don't want to kill this affair and at least try to recover their family?

Melo,

I exposed to OM mother 3 months after I exposed to everyone else. I really thought the NC letter (Or lack thereof in my case) would cease the contact. It didn't!! When I found she had been in direct contact with him I filed for D and left--I was done.

The last thing I made sure I did was to protect my kids for the POS and I exposed to the one and only person on his side I needed to and that was his mother. It killed it dead!!!

Swiff now is in another relationship, but it isn't with the POS that destroyed my marriage---I still don't like it but I have to deal with it.

I always have been open to my D6 the entire time--everybody on the outside world told me she was too young but the folks here who truly know told me likewise (and they are right).. SWIFF has tried to manipulate her but she can't because my entire family stays firm with the truth when she asks....

Expose this slapdick---why do you really care how you look--it is in the best interest of your kids---the ones who will eventually thank-you!!!!!

BTW--my youngest will know when she turns 4 and begins to ask questions....I won't have to do a lot of talking because D6 will help with all the specifics!!!

I would have to agree.

While I know exposing to OMs employer and union got him fired from the jobsite and did damage to his, ahem, reputation in the business...

I believe it was when I exposed to his mommy that the affair truly did end.

As Marital or Melody said to me at the time, I believe: once the affair is exposed to OMs family, they'll be no family picnics or Thanksgiving invites....the family will want NOTHING to do with welcoming an AP into the fold. When the WW has no place to go.....maybe, they just go back home.

I have reached back out to OM wife and told her about OM being around my kids. She didn't want to talk to me but does have the same concerns. I'm trying to build some trust back with her as she felt I shared too much of what she previously told me for my own benefit. I wasn't sure what she meant but basically that I told my wife some things that she said about her husband that got back to her.

I feel it is helpful to talk with her and will respect her wishes. This may not help blow up the affair, but we can help each other as they both continue to deny and say they are just friends.

I did not think that I would be back as I needed to process what was going on versus focusing on "blowing up and exposing their affair". I also wanted others to have an update as when I was reading various posts, I wanted to know how things worked out for them. My first post gives the background and here is the latest update...
-----------------
On May 28th she told me that she ended their relationship and is moving back as she wants to "come home". She wants to try and fix whatever she can but hasn't come out and said she wants her marriage back. She said she has wanted to come "home" for about a month but didn't know how. I get the sense she does want me back but she feels that I need to finalize the divorce and move forward and is afraid to tell me what she really wants. I still haven't let her move back into the house and fear I am being used as she doesn't have employment or a place to live as she is staying with a friend right now. The divorce will be final in August.

I found out that she was pregnant and terminated the pregnancy, but she has yet to tell me this and my counselor is telling me I need to let her approach me. I can't even believe that she would do that but she did have a previous procedure that would prevent her being able to carry to term.

How do I even consider letting her back into my life after all of this? It was so hard but when she was gone, I could manage, but now I see her and miss what we had. Are these normal emotions to sort through and how do I process if I'm simply missing the old person I knew or actually want to work at this?

So much damage has been done and my family & friends will NEVER welcome her; it was probably one of my mistakes telling everyone but I just couldn't keep it inside as it was eating me alive.

What conditions did you give her to return?

Did she write a NC letter?

I'd be careful of false recoveries. False Recovery

Well she has not actually returned to the marital home; she is staying with a friend right now until the divorce is final. She has to find a job and find a place to live. We haven't discussed conditions but I said step 1 is individual counseling which she is doing right away(today) and then possibly joint counseling.

She did not write a NC letter but I am confident she will not have contact with this person. She's cut off all communication, Facebook, email, phone and did send back her keys to the apartment where she said she will have no contact with him; I read the letter. I am satisfied she will not and will know if she does as I still have contact with the other man's wife if needed to check on them.

Why not make one of the conditions to do Marriage Builders coaching?

Please read what Dr. Harley says requirements for recovery from an affair.
Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

The biggest question is: what do you want? Not what your friends and family want.

In the year plus Ive been here, I havent heard too many success stories involving IC. Id consider working with the MB counseling center as the technique is iron clad vs. some of the misdirection and guidance counselors seem to offer on the outside.

I told my mother that I forgave my wife and she is to as well. That has not been a problem.

You certainly have a major screwed up situation and some heavy lifting mentally to go through yourself. Im sick just thinking about it.

Listen to this.
Another excellent radio clip on Dr. Harley explaining forgiveness compared to just compensation.

Radio Clip explaining Just Compensation

Tell me what you think. If you can get her on board with MB then your M may have a chance.

Yep. Then wait to see what actions she take.

...(oops)

I'm sure she would be on board to fixing things and willing to do what is required, the problem is I am not so sure that I am. I just don't see how I get past not only the affair but all of the major damage done since then and the person she became. I can't just chalk that up to a one night affair.

You need to read "Surviving an Affair" if you have not already done so. Your situation is not unlike that of John and Sue.

Most of us who have experienced this disaster in our lives can't chalk it up to a one night stand, either. It has been over a year since my Dday. It has been incredibly difficult for me to get past the personal offense of the betrayal. This is going to take a lot of work from you. Being the BS is no position to be in, but life isn't fair, and you already know that. My experience: Follow Dr. Harley's plan, and your reward will be great.

Melo, the whole concept behind MB is built upon honesty. Your counselor is an idiot.

You need to approach your WW and confirm the truth with her. Tell her that you know about the abortion.

If you want to rebuild your marriage, there can be no hidden secrets like this. This is HUGE. This is a loss of life. Your WW may very well carry a huge burden of guilt over causing the death of her child. She'll need help with this.

And that's only one step. You have much work ahead of you.

I agree with you, but my point is she's not telling me the truth or opening up and telling me EVERYTHING....why do I have to go find out the secrets and confront her with it, shouldn't she be open and honest with me without me having to confront her? This was the biggest problem I had with the affair and all of the lies and secrets throughout.

Honesty was why I married her and this whole [censored] process has been nothing but lies and cover-ups.

Agree Melo. If she can't be honest with you then you have the prerogative to not take her back.

It is completely your choice. Giving a spouse, who isn't repentant, the chance to reconcile can be dangerous for a false recovery. A false recovery can hurt more than a Dday.
False Recoveris voice of experience
False Recovery

Also did you write her a Plan B letter with your conditions to come back to you? What are your conditions?

I have not yet done this, like I said I've been processing this only for a few weeks and it hasn't even been on the table. I was moving hard and fast toward the divorce since she was gone and that was her choice. Now she is back and I have new things to consider. I will start working on this and giving it more thought; but I'm having a hard time with even opening my mind to reconciling after all of this.

Melo-

The abortion is a lot to accept. I was very concerned about this considering the unprotected sex my wife was having. I told her this would have been unforgivable, not on religious grounds, but on sheer stupidity grounds.

Not suRe why I drew a line between unprotected sex and subsequent pregnancy, but I did.

She is going to need to do some incredible things to make this right for you.

Good luck.

That's the problem, I'm not even sure where to begin or what to ask her for. I started writing the plan B letter and point #1 is open and full disclosure of everything. I actually pretty much know everything already so am not sure what the point even is, aside from starting to build some trust by her actually telling me. Any chance there are example letters? I know it is supposed to come from the heart of what I want but I'm kind of stuck on what I should be asking for.

I am also struggling to get past the abortion. She couldn't have carried a baby to term with her medical procedure, but it is the point of irresponsibility and makes me want to vomit and throw in the towel. We have two beautiful children and it sickens me to no end for the loss of life. It's not healthy but I can only get through it if I don't think about it.

She asked me last night if she could move back as "roommates" for the time being until the D is finalized. That is 2 months away and I really don't think it is a good idea. I know she is just using me on that point since it would be easier on her. I am not a quitter but am not sure if this is really going to be worth the amount of work/effort it is going to take.

Here Plan B letter samples
IM Training School
Parallel Parenting In Plan B

It sounds like you are leaning towards trying to forgive which i applaud. She needs a chance to come completely clean on everything that transpired in her affair. Especially she needs to spill what you already know.

Id let her know that this conversation will be pivotal in the future of your marriage. She needs to know that she must tell you everything no matter how embarrassing or hurtful or degrading or damaging it may be. She may even find it freeing in some respect.

If she leaves out the abortion i think you know she cant be trusted.

In the first 2 weeks after dday i ask ed every question and she gave me every answer. All of it hurt. All of it degraded her and humiliated her. I felt sorry for her actually until she told me theres nothing more. There will always be unknowns but i have a really good understanding of what happened and im satisfied.

You need to get to that place with her.

I tend to agree. This is a litmus test. You know something and if she is unwilling to be open and honest about it, that should tell you that she's not ready to be an FWW.

That F is earned. If she's hiding things, then she hasn't earned it.

Do you really want to be married to someone who is willing to hide things from you?

I wouldn't ask her about it. But I would watch to see if she's comes clean. If not, then if it were me, I'd not get too close to the still foggy WW.

As long as she's keeping secrets, she is a WW.

Melo12,

You now have a free polygraph, which many of us wished we had at the time we took our WWs back. Heck I would have appreciated just having 2% of what I learned here back then.

You might also insist on a real polygraph if she passes the free one.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you all, very good advice. I wrote a 2 page (single spaced) letter that includes many conditions (MB being one of them). She and I had such a trust for one another and there were no lies or secrets, ever! I do think she has come out of the fog as her behavior is completely back to "normal". However, my guard is still way up and there is a tremendously long road ahead of us. I will likely move forward with the D and hope in time that we will find each other once again.

Mike, your advice struck me as particularly helpful so thank you as possibly we have similar circumstances....or maybe because you are a guy and I haven't found many willing to share or even consider being able to forgive. I can't worry about it now but family and friends will be a major roadblock as they have all outed her and bringing her around will not be an option IF I choose that path.

I did ask a lot of painful questions last night and she answered them. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but am fixated on the sex part and kept asking specific questions about that. I learned it was not about sex but about her emotional needs that were not being addressed in our marriage. Still, as a man that part is very hard for me to think through and am not sure if I can get past it.

She didn't want to answer some of the questions as she knew it would "torture me" but it was a start that she was willing to discuss as I said it is my right to know whatever I want.

Theres plenty of us on here who have chosen the path of forgiveness. Leaving and giving the A more credence than it deserves is easier. Easier isnt better in this case.

You are going to ask ALL the questions you need answered and demand truth. Once you had all you questions answered and have determined that youve gotten the truth, you are to no longer ask about the A. If there is lies, stretches of the truth, or anything that you believe is being said to avoid conflict, this is a problem. I really would need her to tell you about the abortion. That is the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Thats way too huge to be kept as a skeleton in your marriage closet. Again, once all questions are done its time to get on getting your M back on track.

You should come back here and let us help you with the emotions. You'll find a bunch of us who have walked your walk and they saved me from mistakes countless time.

Yes, its a kick in the you know whats to learn you wife gave herself to another dude FOR ANY REASON. Really emasculating. MB teaches us, in the case of cheating woman primarily, that they do it lots of reason outside of sexual need. The guy however is looking to get some, thats it. Once you appreicate this life gets a little easier. My wife sought out some material things like clothing and nice dinners as well as a meaningless income as his assistant and other nonsense which frankly makes her look absolutely pathetic considering what she nearly destroyed. Her guy wanted tookie. And, he found in a morally weak person in my wife (and a second girl by the way).

You can become a hero like me. Let time work its magic and the agony does diminish. Sometimes a person needs to be woken from an addiction and removed the self destruction they cannot see. My wife told me recently she looks back and cannot believe the person she was and thanks me for helping her through the dark.

Yes, I still have a lot of questions and will wait for her to "come clean" on the abortion. The truth and her providing full disclosure was #1 on my list to her in my letter. I am not going to push her today but am also not going to wait 6 months for her to decide that she's finally ready to talk the truth. I need to start trying to repair something and move foward and it starts with her opening up.

I will definately be in need of support along the way as I'm not even sure what more emotions are left in me to go through. I'm numb to the pain and can no longer let anger rule my life. One of my biggest fears is that I will constantly resent her and throw the affair back in her face down the road when we run into problems.

I know she didn't leave me for sex but as a man it is hard to get past some dude banging my wife for 5 months and now I have to forgive it and get over it. She's got a lot to fix in her life first as she did the same type of thing; was his personal assistant in her "job" and he spent all kinds of money on her and told her eveything she wanted to hear. She has lost friends over this, self respect, and possibly me. I know she is hurting and regrets everything but still finds enough room to remind me of problems we had in our marriage. While they are true and are likely the reason she turned to someone else to "meet these needs" it pisses me off as it still seems like an excuse or reasons to justify what she did.

Melo12,

One of my biggest fears is that I will constantly resent her and throw the affair back in her face down the road when we run into problems.

Then get ever detail you need, I made the enormous mistake of letting the affair go by the wayside 20+ years ago, IT DIDN't. Details are still coming out now and again from my W.

And you are right to give WW some time, but not decades as I did.

God Bless
Gamma

The OM called her last night and she immediately called me afterwards to tell me. I was irate that she had contact with him period, but was pleased that she called to tell me the extent of their conversation. She did write him a letter last week (that I read) that she wanted no contact with him and to leave her alone. She changed her email address and closed her Facebook account. I was with her last week when she changed her cell phone # but her concern was this guy had connections and could obtain her new number. I know it is hard for anyone to believe, but I do trust her on the point that she did not give him the number. The past 2 weeks she has been very open and I'm seeing the old person I loved and trusted for 12 years. She is really trying to make an effort to repair the damage and move on with her own life; the baby steps we have made have been productive.

I was upset since I gave her the letter yesterday which one of my conditions was "no contact, ever". She said she only talked to him to ask him how he got her number and to never contact her again. Part of me wants to go with her to change the number again but this crazy nut job may be able to track it down and she has promised me she will tell me if he calls again. Do I give her credit for immediately calling and telling me? My guard is still up and I know it sounds nuts but she opened up to me more last night and told me things about the A so feel like we are making progress. First thing this morning I sent an email to his wife telling her about it as she is trying to R with him.

What did he tell her? How did he get it?

I would change it again AND Block his number.

Is this OM married?

Did you send the NC letter?

She can always get an order of protection against this guy. She's asked him not to contact her and he continues...

Very true.

I don't know how he got the number and she does not either; she did not give it to him. He does have a close friend at a cell phone company who could have given it to him; I don't know how to prove this though and when we had asked about this when we got the number changed last week, the guy said the guy could lose his job at the cell phone place. I don't have the time/energy to go down that path. She told me right after it happened and will tell me again if it does; we will then change and block it. There is a monthly fee to block it and don't want to change again a week after we just did it.

The conversation was more empty promises and trying to defend himself against things that transpired during their "break up". I can't even get into the details as it would take pages, but they've both lost friends over "he said, she said" and it is mentally too exhausting. She also questioned him on how he got the number and he stated he "has his sources". She repeatedly reminded him of the letter she sent asking for no contact and asked him to never contact her again; simply to leave her alone. Based upon her recent actions, I do feel she was honest with this and the guy just wants to have the last word (he responded about her letter). I reiterated to her that no contact means no contact and if he calls again, she is to ignore it and contact me immediately where we will go change the number.

Yes, as mentioned in my post, I have notified his wife. She is upset and will hopefully address on her end.

In regard to protection, there needs to be a threat made or a reason to justify....you can't get this unless there is harassment. One phone call doesn't constitute that, I looked into this before. However, if it happens again I am going to pursue other legal options.

So we had a long talk on Friday night and she gave me many more details and answered all of my questions. I don't know if its because I'm a guy or just obsessing over the sex part of it but she gave me the details that I asked. I thought it would be helpful to know everything so I could put it behind me and make sure she would be honest with me, but the past few days it is driving me nuts so wonder if it was a mistake. I find myself comparing and wondering why she wasn't like this with me and she admitted it was just sex and she didn't care about OM like she does with me. She admitted this was simply an escape and fantasy and not what she wanted once the reality of life set in; the sex wasn't even the driving force as she is not a sexual person.

She also told me about the pregnancy, which I know was very hard for her and a lot of emotion came out. As angry that I still am and don't know if I can get past this part alone, the healing is slowly starting.

It was easy to shut her out, pick up the pieces, and move on....but now that "she is back" I'm finding the emotions are a bit harder to handle. I'm torn between detaching which I can do easily to handle the pain and trying to not get too close to fast which is hard, as I don't want to fall back into the same routine and problems we both had with the marriage.

Then implement the MB program now so you don't have the old marriage. Have a better marriage.

Can you afford the coaching center? They can give you a plan to restore your marriage.

Melo12,

but the past few days it is driving me nuts so wonder if it was a mistake.

No not a mistake, I think in the long run you will be able to deal with it now as their is nothing left out, and you will not imagine wild sexual details which likely never happened. For example even 20+ years after my Ws affair, thoughts that she had a threesome with OMs GF and OM suddenly run through my mind.

You have also relieved your WW of the guilt of holding in all those lies, trickle truth spread out over years is painful too.

Perhaps most importantly you have made it possible for true recovery to occur.

I find myself comparing and wondering why she wasn't like this with me and she admitted it was just sex and she didn't care about OM like she does with me. She admitted this was simply an escape and fantasy and not what she wanted once the reality of life set in; the sex wasn't even the driving force as she is not a sexual person.

That's difficult to take, and reminds me of what my W claims about not being a sexual person, which at times seems to me to be saying that she is a sexual person but just not with me.

God Bless
Gamma

I concur with G.

Its a bitter pill to take knowing your wife was sexual with another dude. Even worse, in my case at least, was the begging and browbeating I had to do to get any from her during the long period of her affair.

She has taken pains to tell me my worst fears are just my imagination and she and I have done more than he and she ever did. (And, he had to beg for it too.) Small consolation and she knows that.

One of the things that has helped me is when I laid (echem) my list of things that will need to change, I not only listed more sex, but more, how shall I say it?, more extravagance while doing it. I explained to her that the old Ms. Chaste-me-begging-for-it-eye-on-the-clock-get-on-get-off-me will NOT ever describe our sex life. I didnt have to remind her that another man saw her naked and had her umpteem times and yada yada yada.

Anyway, you have gotten through an important part of the process and you are ready to move forward. I suggest a clear outlining of that which you will need from her in terms of security, compensation, and transparency. May I suggest you include some increased action in the boudoir as a method of improve your intimacy and closeness and a good way to start to remove the scar of the other guy?

Like you already know and probably the rest of the betrayed guys know, nothing stinks more than knowing about the sex she had without you. Unless you are leaving, which I dont think you are, than nothing is a remedy for this pain than tons of it WITH you.

Its not the basis of our marriage today, but making it a terrific part of our life has really helped in the last year plus. We have been emasculated by our wives and their actions, nothing turns that around quite a robust sex life with ones wife. Your wife knows that too.

Thanks Gamma & Mike, you both could not have said it any better. I hope I become less fixated on this over time. It was a major issue in our marriage, happened very infrequently, and I always had to beg for it. Knowing some other dude was getting it while I was left out in the cold is beyond emasculating. I guess this is more common than I thought, which is helpful for me as I've "dealt" with it for years. I began to resent her for it over time and stopped trying as I knew what the answer would be.

Hopefully in time I will be able to let these painful images go and it will be part of my plan if I am able to move forward, which I am trying to do. It has been ignored for a long time and she admits it has always been a problem for her; trying to get through to her that it makes me feel like the problem. I am starting to make my list of items that need attention, but think more detail needs to be included around this item.

One question, most all of my questions centered around details of the sexual part of the affair. I know since I'm a guy, I am obsessed with that piece, but want to make sure I don't have the blinders on to miss other key parts. Any suggestions on things I should be asking right now? She opened up on her own and told me what has been lacking in our marriage that she needs and wasn't looking for an affair, it was unfortunately a perfect storm and the opportunity presented itself. She is struggling with why she did it, can't explain it, and has major regrets for it. She continues individual counseling and I think we're months away from marital counseling to really get into details but want to be proactive since we are having good dialog.

Any suggestions on things I should be asking right now?

You need to discover the "entree" he utilized to get inside her defenses. What was the first thing he provided that made her decide to spend more time in his company? Conversation? Flattery? (His)Accomplishments? Recreational companionship? Once you know that, you'll be better able to devise your own plan to ensure she is not lacking in that area again.

Melo12,

Some quick questions,

1) Have their been other OM or OW?

2) How did your W feel about you sexually through the years? Was she repulsed by you, embarrassed by her own body image etc.

#2 is a question I have been trying to tease out of my W for some time. But unfortunately with my W I have to score direct hits to get answers.

3) Will she take a polygraph?

4) Who else knew about the affair and supported it or encouraged her, these people no longer have a place in your lives.

5) Was the OM in contact with your children.

6) What other lies has she told through the years, drug use, spending, giving money to others. Was she supporting OM.

7) Sexual detail, sorry, one that's bugging me, were orgasms easier and more numerous with OM?

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you G and I will consider adding to my list and already have some of the answers. How to I border on blasting her with questions all the time and letting them consume me versus having a balance? Meaning, we've had 3 good talks where she came clean but I don't want her to feel that every time we talk, I come up with 20 more questions. I don't want her shutting down.

#2 strikes me as she's told me that she's been embarrassed by her own body image; which pisses me off as she did things with him but yet couldn't with me. She responded that she didn't care about him, it was just sex. Something we'll need counseling on as she's supposed to trust me and be vulnerable that I'm not going to judge her body.
#7 I need to leave alone and I received details and is driving me crazy. I asked about the orgasms and got a yes, which I'm trying to play off as exciting, fantasy, etc. and for not my lacking in that area.

You sit down in one sessions and ask her everything you need. Be prepared to take a break every 30-45 minutes or so.

Once you get all your answers complete. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR AGAIN. Affair proof your marriage and call the coaching center to help you with a plan.

Please listen to these radio clips of a BH finding out his WW was having an affair the whole 10 years of their marriage.

Radio Clip on a 10 year affair during their marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thank you BrainHurts. I've received two copies of 'Surviving an Affair'; one for me and one for WW. I completely understand this is a long slow path to recovery but I feel right now that I'm the one doing all of the heavy lifting.

She admits that she is quiet because she has so much in her head that she doesn't know where to begin. I received most all answers to my questions about the A but with 2 little kids it is hard to have a 10 hour sit down session to get it all on the table and I think of a few more things that I want to know; so unfortunately we've had to have some follow up conversations so I can better understand everything. She has been open and honest but seems to be getting a bit annoyed and I feel the need to back off a bit. I am the kind of person who wants to work and fix things right now and know this isn't something that is going to happen over night. She is the kind of person who wants to let some time to heal pass. However, I don't want this ignored or swept under the rug.

I guess I am saying I could use advice on if it is ok to slow down and let some time pass for the both of us and let her approach me. She is going to individual counseling (as am I) and admits she wants this marriage to work. I just don't want to force everything down her throat and want her to fight more. My gut tells me she needs a little space to clear her head and I should back off a little.

Ok since my last post I've got an important request that I need help with. Unfortunately I also have to go into stealth mode as I fear the OM is monitoring this website which is quite sad. I'm here to get healthy advice as she wants her marriage back and he can't let go and focus on his own marriage.

She has agreed to NC and is shutting him down and not responding to any of his requests for continued contact. Thus far, she has told me when he reached out to her. I have strong reason to believe he is still trying to communicate with her, and while she is ignoring him completely (she told me he has mental problems), she hasn't told me about this recent communication he has tried to have. Do I confront her with this? I really feel she has been doing the right thing and while she is doing NC on her end, I feel she should be telling me any time he reaches out to her.

Pull the band off quickly rather than the painful slow pull.

Get your questions at the ready, get the kids with a sitter, and get all the stuff you still need to know out of the way.

Know this, there will always be unknowns and thats the nature of her crime.

I like to say that a remorseful, repentent cheating spouse is about as good it gets in the early going. Take this truism to heart and swallow the crap that is her cheating.

The sooner you do the above the sooner you can move on and let the anger, anxiety, and pain lessen. Some say 2 years is a good estimate of how long it will take before mentally you'll be back in the game. The clock doesnt start until you stop asking questions and begin to let her earn your forgivness.

1. How do you know he is trying to reach out to her if she didnt tell you?

2. You definitely tell her you know about this latest thing if she doesnt tell you.

3. You should consider a restraining order if you fear hes a mental case.

4. How does he know about this site?

5. If it were me, I grab my 275 pound brother and my kids brand new composite baseball bat and Id visit this guy to let him in no uncertain terms your wife is done with him. And the next visit will be less cordial.

Going through this I was all f'd up with emotions and paranoid finding out the truth and in disbelief. I had flashbacks of this when I found these emails. What a mess and this [censored] won't go away quietly.

1. I got into her email account and it was in her junk mail. She previously deleted him which is why it went to junk mail.

2. She had no idea of his contact so obviously didn't respond or was able to tell me since she didnt know; I've done my homework to confirm. Sorry to be vague. I shared the messages he sent for her to read on the spot.

3. That will take place tomorrow morning.

4. I sent her articles and vids to review and was in her inbox (which he got into - below).

5. Trust me - never mind, can't say what I want.

He somehow either hacked her email or got ahold of her password; she was never very good at having one that was too hard to crack. I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't living it. From her account, he created a bunch of emails and sent to his account and then replied from his account for her to leave him alone! It is beyond bizarre but I read them all and she doesn't talk that way, so you could tell it was him. Plus she is job searching and all of her stuff was gone from the inbox; and he deleted a bunch of pictures of our kids. It is beyond stressful and authorities will now get involved. Like I don't have enough [censored] going on!!

Instead of individual counseling can you call the coaching center?

Your wife's lack of technical skills should cost her any personal email boxes. She should be using yours going forward. She loses her email privilege. Have job apps and other stuff go to your address. Simple.

Agree.

Whatever conditions allowed her to have the affair needs to be eliminated.

Joint everything.

I am confident the affair is over and we've eliminated/blocked his means of communication which she wants no part of and wants to move on with her life. I know this will take time and a lot of hard work but I still struggle with thoughts of being the fallback plan and how I'll ever get back mentally to a secure place in our relationship. I know time and effort will heal but I struggle with giving her time to start her part of the heavy lifting that this is going to take.

The past month has been spent trying to start new and I feel we've bonded by removing him from the background. She's indicated she wants the marriage and to fix things but we are at different places mentally. I'm ready to work and she's trying to process everything and figuring out where to begin to fix herself so she can then fix her marriage. I struggle with allowing her time to come to terms and work on her stuff and pushing too hard, which is what I've been doing.

The Divorce will be finalized in just over a month so I'm trying to see action out of her before I decide what to do (delay it). I want her to take action on her own versus forcing her to do anything. I outlined in my letter what I want her to do to save the marriage and want to give her some time, but also don't want her thinking time is going to just sweep this mess under the rug without any real effort on her part.

Am I pushing too hard/fast?

Melo12,

Perhaps you should ask your W to take a polygraph before delaying the divorce.

I say that because I don't think you want to endure a sexless recovery that goes on for years like I did, and one of the factors that will perpetuates a sexless marriage is unconfessed secrets.

One of the very few things my W ever admitted to was that she never felt the same about me after her affair with OM2. Had I known that years ago I would have ended the marriage, but I was so attracted to my W I ignore it.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks G, I'm confident that I've received the truth out of her so don't feel the need for a polygraph. However, I definitely fear a recovery without sex as well, as that has been an issue in our marriage that needs to be addressed.

She knows where I stand and I can't keep pushing her in the direction that I want. I am trying to let her come to terms with things on her end and see what actions she is going to take. I've laid out my hopes in the letter, got two copies of Dr. Harley's book, and will be on the radio program to hopefully get additional advice.

Unless I see some kind of fight out of her that I feel I'm trying to put forth, I see no other option but to move forward with D. I just get the sense that she's hoping time will heal and not yet in a place to roll up her sleeves and work, like I'm ready to do.

So she broke NC this morning. She reached out to him since she feels the need to contact him to have closure about her feelings for him. I will be out of town this weekend with the kids and now will be a nervous/anxious wreck all weekend.

I can't do this anymore, even after talking to Dr. Harley - I want to be strong and save my marriage but there is not enough fight left in me to make her fight too. I am a good person and don't deserve to continue to be disrespected this way. I feel like D-Day all over again.

So she broke NC this morning.

Be thankful for small blessings, my friend. WW justified your disquietude about her (re)commitment to your marriage.

She reached out to him since she feels the need to contact him to have closure about her feelings for him wanted to keep him on the hook if she was unable to convince you of the chances for recovery.

You showed excellent judgment in your note of 03 July:

Unless I see some kind of fight out of her that I feel I'm trying to put forth, I see no other option but to move forward with D.

You may now proceed with NO qualms about what is in your best interest.

Sorry for her continued abuse.

I would file for D and prepare for Plan B.

Remove yourself from her abuse.

I filed for D back in Feb when I found out so only 30 days until it is final.

I'm out of town for the weekend with the kids and said she has until I return to get her s_ out of the house. Just need the strength to get to the finish line.

I cannot speak or even look at her. I have so much venom inside but trying not to lose control as this emotional roller coaster is terrible!

OMW called me as well yesterday to tell me she found out on her own and wanted me to know. I've been hurt enough and need to leave with some respect for myself.

We are in similar situations.
My wife promised nc. Then broke it on Christmas eve. When I confronted her she lied and said I was paranoid ( she did not know that I was in communication with OMW. )

My divorce will be final by the end of the month.
At this point I think you should focus on custody and not on your wife's downward spiral.
Are you fighting for custody? Or do you want your kids raised by another man?

Didn't you expose her affair? How had OMW had to find out on her own?

Please go forward with tough counsel. Sometimes this is the only way to make waywards take responsibility.

I strongly urge you to get an IM so you don't have to communicate with your WW and she continues her abuse
Here.
How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples
Intermediary Training School
Parallel Parenting innPlan B

Hang in there, Melo. I'm 12 months in and divorce will be finalized in a matter of weeks. I hope you have a friends, family, and church community to draw support from.

Being around positive, supportive people will help. I've learned through this ordeal that the life we live rewards us in difficult times. It's a wonderful life...in spite of the devastating destruction of the wayward wrecking ball.

I agree with HDW. I hope that you've been assertive with your custody situation.

I will be going into full blown plan B when the divorce is finalized. This will help me tremendously with recovery. From everything you're saying, I recommend the same for you.

Its time for all of us to pick up the pieces and to start rebuilding something beautiful for our children and ourselves. Good luck, brother.

Still feeling like she's been totally honest with you?

She contacted him so they can get together for "closure" :::wink wink::: while you're gone. Do you have to leave? Can you cancel your trip abruptly and stay home?

Closure is, like everyone else is saying, BS!

You're out of town.

Closure + hubby out of town = ...well, MB got it.

I'm sorry.

Our agreement has been 50/50 through the divorce. I'm in a no fault state so my chances of primary custody is not good. I am however going to explore my options as I cannot have POSOM around my kids, he kicked my wife, threw something at her head, pulled a knife on her, and said it would be a shame if she went running and didn't come back. Trust me, I will fight for my kids but not sure what my chances are with this. I really hope it doesn't greatly delay the divorce as I don't know how I could get through a lengthy custody case, if that is even an option.


I did expose affair to most people, just didn't do the FaceBook exposure. OMW was my first contact and we had been in contact ever since. She's been tracking him and found out about this recent contact on her own and let me know.


You are right MB, I thought she was being honest with me so shame on me. We made good progress the last month since she "broke it off with him" but I can't be the only one fighting for a M. I was in heavy Plan B and it was helping me heal & recover, unfortunately I let her back in and now have to start it all over again.

She is texting me like crazy this weekend that she is going to write me a letter (since I won't talk to her) and tell me everything and all of the truth. She wants to move on with her life and the OM wants to be with his wife. I am back to not believing a word that comes out of her mouth. Unfortunately she won't move out so I made a huge error in judgement by letting her back in so now have to see what leagal action I can take, or likely suffer until the D is final.

Melo, I am sorry to hear of these latest developments. A couple of thoughts come to mind.

1. "closure" is a code word for "meet up and have sex." That is all that means. When one truly wants to "close" something they close it.

2. I would expose the affair to all of the OM's facebook friends. You should raise holy unmitigated hell in his life. His parents, family, collegues, should all know what kind of RAT he is. Doing this will hasten the death of the affair.

Even if you decide to divorce, everyone should know about the affair so you kill its future.

3. regarding your divorce. In some no-fault states, you still have an advantage when it comes to the custody and legal settlement when there has been adultery. I would check into that. You are going to have to light a fire under your attorney's [censored] to really fight for your interests. Most attorneys take the easiest way out so it is up to you to push him. I would most certainly have it put in your papers that the children are not exposed to that RAT. He is an unfit adult and your children are not safe around him.

If your wife does agree to stay in the marriage, I would make it a condition that she CEASE the individual counseling and get marriage counseling with MArriage Builders. IC is a big fat waste of time.

And whatever you do, don't trust your marriage to traditional marriage counselors. They are destructive to marriages and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage.

Sounds like wayward BS to me.

Have you talked with his wife?

Thank you ML, agreed on #1. My one regret is not doing FB to kill the affair back in Feb when I found out. I contacted OMW and sent out emails to family members but it came back as me looking crazy or vindictive which is my concern. I don't want to do anything out of vengeance and this guy seriously is the type to play games and get back at people, which I want no part of. Having a real hard time the need for exposure if I'm moving on with D. Also appreciate the advice on #3 as I will be calling attorney first thing tomorrow to keep POSOM away from my kids for as long as I can. I will fight this point until I am out of money.



I could not agree more. She had a "breakthrough" with her IC on Tuesday. On Thursday this lead to her breaking my NC rule, thanks! Apparently the IC told her the OM was meant to be in her life for a reason, wtf?

We had a conversation today and she indicated she still had feelings for him and was in love with him. I don't think that is possible after 5 months and being in an affair, but apparently her IC said of course that is possible.

I was on the MB radio program last week. Dr. Harley suggested Plan A still with putting deposits in her love bank. I'm so having a hard time with this after these recent developments.

Agreed, MB. I'm getting all kinds of BS from my WW after today's conversation. She thinks we need to move forward with D as too much damage is done and I deserve better. She told me OM and OMW were trying to work it out and she only contacted him for her own "closure, per her IC". Then I got a text from my WW about an hour ago that OMW and OM are now back on track to their D. What a coincidence? She reached out to him on Friday and now they are divorcing again.

I will speak to OMW tomorrow to see her situation. Part of me gets the feeling my WW is opening up and telling me more "truths" so I'll be nice and not fight this like I had been the past 5 months. I'm still not trusting what she is telling me about all of this and feel it is one big plan for them to start this A all over again.

Such a mind F_.

The need for exposure is to get this guy out of your lives so he is not around your kids. Otherwise, you may be sitting next to him at your kid's weddings in 10-15 years. Everyone should know what he is doing. If you have vengeful feelings, that is fine, but it is secondary to the purpose here. Nothing wrong with vengence, but the purpose is to kill the affair and drive this guy away.

Exposure to his side will also have the effect of dashing any of your wife's future hopes with him. She won't be able to darken his family's doorstep if they know she is an adultress. This will ruin any fantasy she has about the future of this affair. And it sounds like she has lots of fantasies.

You might even be successful in saving your marriage doing this, who knows. It is the absolute best weapon you have.

Go check out my template exposure letters in the thread in my signature. That is the best way to expose.

p.s. and yes, some may call you "vindictive," but that is ok. You are not doing this to get the approval of misguided crapwits. You are doing it to kill the affair. You will get lots of support from some circles and in others you will draw recriminations. But you can take that.

The purpose of "closure" is always to start up the affair again.

I take it your kids know about the affair? Did you tell them the affair is back on track?

By not exposing, you have made it WAY TOO EASY for the OM! Whose side are you on, friend?!

Thank you ML, I really appreciate your advice and that is the main reason I will do this, to get him away from my kids. I have nothing to lose at this point.

I don't have FB so will work on setting up an account today and read your signature for how to do this. I may need some help with FB as I don't know if I need to "friend" this guy so I can see all of his contacts. Otherwise I won't know how I can send the letter to OM contacts.

Question: I'm in contact with OMW since she knows nothing and POSOM is lying and denying their contacts. I've told her everything I know and will continue to do so. If my WW asks me if I'm talking to her, do I tell her yes or hide it?

Melo12,

What a coincidence? She reached out to him on Friday and now they are divorcing again.

By exposing OM you would not just be helping yourself and your children, but also the OMW and her children who are also innocents forced to drink from this cesspool.

God Bless
Gamma

Agreed Gamma, thank you. The OMW is so upset and doesn't know what to do as she wants her marriage and life back as well. I wrote the letter, now just need to get the FB account set up and figure out how to message all of his contacts.

I know this is going to majorly blow up once I do this, which will likely be tonight. One thing that concerns me is this is not construed as "slander" is it? I know no one here is an attorney but the POSOM had thrown this out there before when my WW broke it off with him last month and threatened to tell all of his business contacts about the A.

Thank you all for your help & support!

Melo12,

As long as you stick to the facts it is not slander.

Even if it were slander how does that compare with destroying two families?

Often times we mock at cultures which stone adulterers, but perhaps they simply value the social contract more than we do, and understand what we have forgotten.

God Bless
Gamma

Melo,

Send OMW here, so we can help her.

Melo12,

I think I freaked out thinking the same thing -- I'm sure I have a post questioning if it was slander, can I be sued, blah blah blah.

Gamma, Mel, etc. reassured me of the same thing: it aint slander if its the truth. Also, they raised a good point -- even if it was, what POSOM/W is going to voluntarily bring it to the public's attention in court(boy, what a gift!).

And Mel's response to you is consistent with her advice to me (which worked, of course!):

If in the off chance exposure didn't work with MY W's family, well it CERTAINLY worked by exposing to POSOM's family as they now would know the truth of the relationship and my W wouldn't be so soon invited to family picnics or Thanksgiving dinner...I say this, not to gloat, just to show you: after I sent out exposure letters, POSOM's mommy contacted us and called my W sick and twisted, blamed the whole thing on her, not her precious boy of course, and said she hoped my W was in serious therapy.

That kinda killed the fantasy, wouldn't you say?

Expose, and you'll be pleasantly surprised who stands with you...

God Bless.

Be loud and proud and tell her YES! Tell her you and the OMW are in constant contact and are comparing notes. I would volunteer this information.

And you don't have to friend the OM to see his contacts. [usually] Just copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

It is not slander if it is the truth. It is not against the law in the US to tell truth. If the OM would like to TRY to sue you for slander, that would be awesome! You could hoist him on his own petard in open court! You could have all of his phone and email records subpeonaed along with other witnesses to the affair.

Can you post the letter so we can give you feedback?

I would also expose the affair to all of your wife's family, friends and your children.

Slander? LOL
My wife's affair partner said it was slander too.
I suggested to my wife that he hire an attorney to complain to me.
The truth is not slander. If you follow the letter provided by Marriage Builders you will be fine

Yeah...and after my exposure letter to OMs boss got him fired, he threatened to sue me and demanded an apology to his boss (I guess to get his job back.

I'm serious, the POSOM stated this.

Riiiigggghhhhhtttt. I told my then-WW: will do! see you, OM, subpeoned phone records, etc. in court (I showed W a written list of names of people I'd subpeona for court...boy, did that have an effect on her!).

Use the exposure letter posted on this discussion board, and you'll be fine. Remember to state that you love your wife, family, etc. and provide contact information.

You are not hiding in the dark doing something 'wrong' -- you are standing up for marriage and your family!

Here is a copy; I just tweaked what you guys had given me. I cannot thank you enough for all of this help and support!! Please keep feedback coming as this is the one thing I feel that I have some control over!

I will set up FB tonight and hopefully this will go out then. I may need help with that and hope the messaging thing works as I cannot add the POSOM as a friend, no way.

Dear friends and family,

As some of you know, my wife ___ and ____ have been carrying on an affair the past several months which has shattered my heart. I thought the affair had ended and we had been working to slowly recover and repair the damage but to my shock, I have discovered that the affair has recently started again.

As a friend, I am asking that you use your influence with ____ to persuade him to end his part in the affair so that two young families can be restored and we can try to work on our respective marriages. My marriage can be salvaged if they would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriages.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

My .02 (I'm passing on great advice given to me) for your letter:

1. it's not an affair (too cutsie in this society)..it's commiting adultery, and adulterous relationship, whatever...

2. you don't want him to 'end his part in the affair' -- rather, you want to make it clear that he is NOT to contact your wife/family ever again FOR LIFE...

3. leave a phone number and welcome anyone of them contact you should they desire to...

melo, I like the letter. I would add your phone # or email address so they can contact you directly. Do you have any evidence of the affair you could upload to website? Such as pictures, emails, texts? Rainy did this when she exposed because the affairees were denying everything. That ruined the OW's attempts at denial.

My wife is not denying anything about the affair and admits just about everything about it; only denying the current "relationship" they are now having. She is letting me divorce her as she feels that is what needs to happen (this all came up since Friday when she broke NC) but says they are just friends or blah blah blah. I have all the proof I need (sex pics, sex video, 500 pages of texts, the pregnancy) but not going to post it anywhere, but court if needed. It is the POSOM that is telling his wife nothing is going on, she has no proof, and she only has me to provide her with information that I have.

Thank you for the letter comments, I'm nervous but have to go through with it. When this explodes, do I just smile and say I'm sorry you feel that way? I know the after affects of this are going to be nasty.

but the POSOM had thrown this out there before when my WW broke it off with him last month and threatened to tell all of his business contacts about the A.
What a stand-up guy! What a PRINCE!

So to get even with your WW he was going to self-expose to his business contacts? That he has no morals? And cannot be trusted?

Oh, yes, by all means possible drive him to that step. He'll really cement his quality in the eyes of WW as well, wouldn't you agree?

Ok, could use some help from FB pro's here. I set up an account and can find a person, but do not know how to add all of their contacts into a Word doc. Do I have to be friends with them first? I don't see how I am going to friend OM.

Can you see his friends? If so, click on his "friends" link until all his friends come up. Once his friends come up, right click, scroll over the page until selected and then copy. Paste the contacts into a WORD doc. You will get lots of pictures, but you can go through the page, click "contrl" on the person's name and it will take you right to that persons page.

When you get to the persons page, click on "message" and send them the message. Space your messages out 60 seconds apart so they do not shut you down for flooding.

Can you link to some piece of evidence so that the OM cannot deny the affair? Otherwise, he will just deny it. One thing you could do is upload a key damning piece of evidence to your facebook page and leave it open so all your exposure targets can see it. For example, if there is some kind of email, card, etc, scan it and upload it to your page. It is very easy to do and will instantly remove any deniability.


I agree it is nerve wracking! you are right on in your response. Just smile and expect some fallout!

Sorry to be an idiot on the FB stuff, I am tech saavy but resisted FB for years and am the last person to sign up.

I'm practicing on someone to see what I'm looking for. On the left I can see all of the friends. I see where I can message each one of them but am confused about copy/pasting all of the contacts, do I need to address my letter to each person? It doesn't give their email address so assuming I can just message them directly from this page; waiting 1 minute in between sending them my message, right?

Sorry, just want to make sure I do this right.

correct! And the reason you need to paste all the contacts into a word doc is because when the OM gets wind what you are doing, he will shut down his facebook page.

I would prioritize his contacts in this order: close family, family, married friends, all other. With some you won't be able to tell, so just guess.

Ah, got it so I still have their names at least. Thank you!

One problem, I can't find the POSOM by just doing a search. My buddy said he might not be "open to the public" in his settings so now I'm not sure how to track him down. Suggestions?

Just spoke to OMW, she's sending my WW an email to stay the ___ away from her family. I'm not telling her what I'm doing since she will resist (she did back in April when I asked for OM parents phone number).

I really want to get this done tonight so this bomb impacts everyone by tomorrow. I just need to get my family picture on my new FB page and then find the POSOM.

If anyone can throw advice my way on searching for him or why I can't locate him, please help!

Have you tried this?
Trying to figure out identity

Have you tried this?
Facebook:A backdoor to see more

You are awesome BrainHurts! Got it. Now I'm scared ____ to do this and I don't know why. I'm worried OMW is going to be pissed at me for exposing as they've been very quiet and not telling anyone about the A. Should I wait and ask her? He's only got about 80 contacts so should only be a few hours to do this.

Hate that I'm having second thoughts, just fear this is going to blow up in my face. I can deal with my WW contacts, but feel off going after OM contacts.

Need some help/encouragement!

Melo,

I, too, felt like you do now -- what a schmuck I was! I dragged my feet about 3 months longer than I shouldve to expose...we could be 3 months further along in recovery.

I look back now and think: what the hell was I so wooried about???

You know what happened? My W and her OM got PISSED, my W had to decide our marriage or the OM, and the affair DIED. I saved my marriage, I was a hero to my kids for saving their mother, saving our family.

That's it. That's all. Exposure killed the affair. Wonderful consequences.

DO IT, my friend....take it from a former 'doubting Thomas' -- IT WORKS!!!

Would a general telegraph his war plan to the enemy? I kind of doubt it. You didn't start this war, but since you're in it, fight it. All's fair in love and war.

What do you care about what the OMW thinks anyway? You're not fighting for her marriage. You're fighting for yours. But, incidentally, she may not appreciate it at first, but you WILL be helping her as well. She'll realize that one day, and probably thank you for it.

Please read this.
The Art of War by Sun Tzu

Good for OMW! Don't lose sleep if you can't connect with OM - get his friends' list. Expose to them. He already knows he's having an affair with your wife.

Can you get his cell phone number? Call him directly and let him know that Hell has just arrived on his doorstep.

You need to stop operating on fear and do what is best for your own marriage. Exposing is best for the OMW too but she just doesn't know it.

You aren't going to win if you operate on fear. You need to kill this affair and move forward, Sir.

Melo, if she gets pissed, consider it a casualty of war. That's what you're in right now - a war for your marriage. Don't worry about collateral damage.

BANISH all second thoughts. GET THIS DONE - I think you have a good chance to save your marriage, but you must act NOW!

I got no sleep last night but was ready to do this first thing this morning. I found OM last night and was going to work on this today but he pulled the plug on his FB page over night! I told no one of what I was going to do and copied/pasted all of OM contacts in a Word doc. Since I couldn't message them from his page, I searched for them and messaged the first one and it gives me a general message below....help!!!

"Some of your messages have been reported as spam. To avoid getting blocked, make sure your messages are in line with the Facebook Community Standards."

Just keep trying to send it. Has your wife been reading here?

I am, no luck - am not sure if I'm blocked for the next 24 hours as I keep getting that same message.

She is not, but am concerned OM might be as he knows I'm here (my WW told him I am here).

He knows I am here and I hope he reads and follows my posts. I am not going away without a fight.

In 24 hours the block should be lifted and you can keep sending messages. Just space them out, wait 1-2 minutes to be on safe side.

Right, but the problem is the very first one I did - I got this message. So my question is if you just randomly message someone who you have no connection to, does FB automatically block your message?

Did you read this from the exposure thread?

Also this.

Thank you BH as you have an amazing help on this. I will try again but what I am saying the very first message I sent was blocked and I got the 24 hour message. I will space them apart if I can get the first one to go through, which is where I ran into the problem.

Also, so I need to post "proof" on my page? I was hoping to just get the message out and tell them to contact me.

Melo
Are you sending these from an established facebook account?
If it is a new account Facebook will block you.
If it is new you need to verify it with your phone a d get friends in order to send messages to people

Yes - brand new as of yesterday. I did verify via phone and have 9 friends. I can get a ton more but have been ignoring them since I'm not really wanting FB.

Maybe there is a "waiting period"?

There may be one.
Facebook has been tightening down on "advertisers"

They have a screening process to protect their members from spam.

There is another way. You could pay someone to "blast" expose the affair.
For $5 you can have someone do this. Go to fiverr.com.

Does anyone else have an established account you can use?

I don't want to put someone in the middle as that would put them in a bad spot.

Using a pay site is ok I guess but doesn't that make it/me look less credible and really look like junk/spam?

Wait the 24 hours and see if the message goes through.
I had the same problem.
Usually if you phone verify it takes care of it

It is working(I think). Maybe a 24 hour grace period for new FB users? I have no idea how to tell if they are going through but I'm not getting the spam/error message.

I'm so freakin' nervous doing this! About half way done.

I've been there.
I know how you feel.
You're doing the right thing by exposing.

Keep up the great work...expose and kill this affair!

It is done and I am mentally exhausted. OM did not have a lot of contacts so not sure of the fallout. Thank you everyone for your help, motivation, and assistance. At least this was something I felt I had control over. I didn't tell OMW I was doing this but am sure she will know. She sent me a last message that she needs to "go away" for a while (she's so upset over all of this). I feel so bad for all involved but know I did everything I could to save two families.

There is no way these two can make it last, but I can't worry about that any longer. It is time to move on.

Thank you all, again.

Bravo!!

DITTO!
Good job, my friend.

Did you get through all of them?

Go to a different computer and set up a fake account.

Bliss he already exposed and got the messages to send.

Good Job!
You are shining light on a dark deed.
Now my wife was furious when I sent my Facebook messages.
She was mad for weeks !
Her affair partner was too, as was his co-dependent wife (very sad)

But you helped kill the affair AND now others can know to guard their marriage against this jerk.

I posted too fast

Just watching out for you, my friend.

I didn't go home last night as I was emotionally drained and wanted to get some sleep so crashed elsewhere. I will be home tonight but am surprised my phone isn't going off with her calls - hope they went through.

It is stupid to worry about this but I can't see how these two can make it. All the lies, deceit, distrust in starting this relationship. Any predictions how this will go?

It will be interesting to see if your wife finds out about this. Because if she does, that is an admission the affairees are still in contact.

I am so proud of you for following through and exposing that rat! Good job!

Thank you ML - but she's not denying it, which is quite sad for me. He was the one hiding it from his wife. He is a very private and secretive person so am sure he wanted this to come out on his terms. I just hope the messages went through!

Yes. Watch for this carefully melo.
If she becomes mad at you it will be because he called her and complained. My wife's boyfriend did that.
Have a plan in place to respond to a very possible angry outbursts from your wife over this.

Melo12,

He is a very private and secretive person

Did you also check if he has a www.linkedin.com account, you will have to set up a fake account which makes you look like you are in the same industry as he is or are a potential customer.

God Bless
Gamma

Actually mentally prepare a verbal response.

"Well, sweetie, if OM felt your affair was honorable and upstanding, he'd welcome my publicizing it. If he thought it was tawdry, dirty, and needing to be kept private because he's ashamed of you and your joint infidelity, he'd be upset. How DID he take it?"

Then offer her some lemonade.

Yea do that Melo. When my wife yelled at me I would literally offer her some vegetable juice and talk about western movies.

Mine freaked out and called her aunt for support....and her aunt calmly, bluntly stated "if you are unhappy with the consequences of your decision, then you shouldn't have had an affair."

I took my son son to his basketball game, and told my W we'd love for her to go with the family and if she wanted an iced tea.

I watched incredulously as all the vets were correct -- the crumbling of the fantasy, the beginning of the death of the affair was almost visible, tangible, you know?

Great advice as I didn't think to plan for the fallout. I will be calm and cool as everything else has been an eruption. I guarantee she is going to say "it is no one else's damn business" which is how she has spun/justified this whole thing. She was pissed early on when I exposed to her best friend and now blames me since they are no loner friends after 11 years.

No on the LinkedIn account so hope his limited FB contacts are enough.

I also emailed the POSOM directly for "my closure" that they felt they needed this past weekend. I copied my WW so he couldn't spin it or talk how I am a scorned husband. It was super long and I let him have it. Am sure I will hear about that tonight from WW when I get home.

Who said you need closure?
Dr. Harley?

No it was sarcasm. My WW told me Friday that she needed closure and had to meet with him to talk. My email was titled "my closure" so he could hear what I had to say.

However, I've fought the battle for her and exposing was it for me. I've been manipulated and taken advantage enough; twice after I took her back. I have to set an example for my children and this has taken too much toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally.

But you're now ready to recover your M based on MB concepts. Are you saying you took her back twice after following MB plans?

No, I obviously didn't do it right to begin with. It was all happening so fast that I was in reaction mode. She met him in Jan, moved in with him in Feb and I didn't find this site until April. I only partially exposed at that time but she wasn't around for me to implement all of the other things.

She ended the A in June and I thought we were recovering and was implementing MB concepts. It was a false R and she broke NC so I'm fully exposing now.

However, I am only interested in keeping POSOM away from my kids which is why I am exposing. She is looking at places to live and trying to find a job. We are 3 weeks away from the D being finalized and I am moving forward.

Will you be able to write something in your D decree to keep OM aways from your kids?

I'm working on it, she is not going to agree to it but I am working with my attorney on this. I am hoping the exposure will also put a stop to this. That is all I can control right now and can sleep knowing I did everything I could to try and not only save my M but also protect my kids.

Have you had any response to your exposure?

I fear it was not successful, after it didn't work the other day, I tried using my iPad where it looked like the messages were going through. When I sent a "test one" to a friend, he didn't get it. Ugh. I now fear all that time/effort was wasted but tried to start from scratch today and get the same "spam message" posted above on the very first person I try.

He has also (as has my WW) shut down their FB account. I know he is aware of this site so assume he is here, just not sure if he is following my thread. Can I move to plan B, locate their physical address and do an old school mailing?

Have you had any response to your exposure?

Good question. Especially from members of her immediate family, a supportive (for you) reaction, gives evidence of future allies in the dozens of unanticipated future conflicts, whether or not the D goes through.

It also would be strategically sound to keep those "allies" informed about WW's ongoing efforts to damage her children's lives.

Melo,

FWIW: in my case, OM did not have a FB account, etc., so I went old school and mailed letters by certified mail to OMs employers, family, etc.

It worked just as well, I believe.

DO NOT stop -- expose!

Got it thank you. I don't know what's up with FB...I've confirmed that some have gone out but most are getting the error message. I wouldn't think it has anything to do with them not being friends of mine or even friends of my friends but I wondered that. Possibly FB has some new policy for new members, but I'm trying(slowly).

For those that don't, a letter is coming their way, with a picture of my family. I got nothing but time.

It was recommended to me to send 'snail-mail' certified, and it was a great idea as I had a record of who/when/where the exposure letters were received.

Keep up the good work!

They are going out, however painful and time consuming it is. Received 1 vote for support so far, I'll take it!

Melo,

To be fair, please know I didn't do the greatest job exposing...I, regretfully, really stumbled into it -- what a mistake!

However, when I sent the letters out, they hit the OMs employers (the hospital chief, union head, and general contractor), OMs mother, brother, and sister all on the same day....when that 'bomb' exploded...let's just say it brought clarity to my situation, and ended my W's cake-eating.

It was very powerful...but, honestly, took me some time to look back in hindsight and realize THAT was the moment the affair died. Instantly? possibly. But that was CLEARLY the deathknell for it (the PA had ended some time before, but the 'can't we just be friends' contact remained).

I don't regret exposing; I DO regret being such an idiot and not listening to the vets sooner and dragging my feet for 3 months before I exposed.

Good luck.

Thanks helpfordad, I am in the exact same boat. I had the opportunity to do this when I first arrived here 3 months ago and chickened out, made excuses, thought it wouldn't work, etc. Things could have likely worked out very differently than the current situation I am in. I will hopefully knock the rest of these out tomorrow and know that I did everything I could to save my M.

My main concern is OM has no family that I'm aware of, only a mother, so not sure what impact this will all have. Not a lot of friends either but will do the best I can and hope it makes an impact. I've reached out to WW family members as well and close friends. I can't worry about the number of people I guess, just home someone steps up.

Any and all contacts -- no matter the number -- on both sides.

That's family, friends, acquaintances, children, employers -- on both sides.

Any and all!!!

Melo12,

My main concern is OM has no family that I'm aware of

Everyone has their reputation as a virtual family member, and in spite of apparent indifference most people want to maintain some degree of respectability in the eyes of others.

I have yet to run into a man who brags about having an affair except to a very close circle of friends, and the implied agreement is that it is a mens club secret. I've met a number of women who confessed a past affair to me, but it was only with great regret. The greatest likelyhood is that OM will care about the exposure and will overestimate it's effect on his life. Can you expose to his workplace?

God Bless
Gamma

He owns his own business. Some of his FB contacts are clients of his. Expose? Don't know why I'm nervous on this one.

I WILL have this completed by tomorrow, snail mail, FB, pigeons, whatever it takes.

Melo12,

He owns his own business. Some of his FB contacts are clients of his. Expose? Don't know why I'm nervous on this one.

After OM attacked your family he lost his right to be treated as a member of civil society. Can you say generally what business he is in, in addition to being a dirt bag that is.

God Bless
Gamma

Let's just say it deals with death and leave it at that. I just know I'm going to hear from WW and possibly OMW that I've affected and brought down his business, blah, blah, blah. Guess what, you f'd up my head for life and risked my job since I've been a mess for the past 6 months! Think I just talked myself into it.

And of course you will remind them that if that hound dog hadn't been dinking your wife, his business would be moving along quite nicely.

Melo12,

" Let's just say it deals with death and leave it at that. I just know I'm going to hear from WW and possibly OMW that I've affected and brought down his business, blah, blah, blah. Guess what, you f'd up my head for life and risked my job since I've been a mess for the past 6 months! Think I just talked myself into it."

I'm guessing funeral director.....


dan

Exactly! Of course this is all common sense, but know this is all going to be fault which I'm so sick of hearing. The fallout will begin in the next 48 hours as it is done. Had to go old school as FB has locked me down. Thought it was only for 24 hours but still no luck.

I just hope this shakes things up; concerned that neither side has enough contacts to make an impact. My WW contacts (family) has yet to respond from when I exposed to them 3 months ago, so they got another message as well. Big sigh.

OMW reached out to me rather upset about this, that I further caused her pain and embarrassment by exposing; some of his FB friends were more of her friends. I told her why I exposed and it wasn't meant to hurt/embarrass her. I do not regret exposing but feel bad if I caused her more pain since we are both innocent victims in all of his.

I'm out of town and my WW sent me an extremely long text. Nothing upsetting, except for the fact that she "fell in love with him" and I'm simply obsessed with anger and bent on destroying OM. I know that I've lost her but a question for the vets, if I get little or no reaction....does this mean it didn't work? Or is this for long term, meaning they will face a lifetime of scrutiny. My ONLY interest at this point is keeping him away from my kids.

Melo, the exposure worked if you exposed, because no matter the reaction, others will know about his affair. That alone causes conflict and embarrassment for the affairees. Just think, if the OM ever tries to take your WW around his friends, they will all KNOW. The women will likely treat your wife like a pariah for her part in breaking up his marriage and hurting the OMW.

The more conflict you cause in the affair, the faster the affair will die.

Feel badly for the OMW, but her pain was caused by her sleazy husband's affair. All you did was expose truth.

Also can you direct the OMW here?

So it has blown up more. My WW is saying that I am self destructing and opening myself up to harassment, and since I am so out of control I am "not allowed" to come home.

OMW sent me a very upsetting email asking exactly who I sent it to so that she can do damage control. Thus far I'm ignoring all involved since I am not home but looking for suggestions on addressing OMW. She feels I only should have involved WW side, not her friends as she only wants to heal and move on.

I really look forward to the day I can post here and say this has worked!!

Melo, your exposure has been effective, it has made them feel uncomfortable, your WW response is fogbabble. You are fighting for your marriage not self destructing. The threat of harrassment is an attempt to get you to stop and keep quiet about the A, they don't want any interference.

OMW doesn't have the benefit of MB and the understanding of exposure. She is feeling the pain and believes "damage control" will protect her WH. She doesn't understand she is enabling the A. Maybe you could direct her to MB so we can help her.

Damage control? What does she mean by that? Contacting them and spinning the story? I would ask what she means by that specifically.

Melo, you had every right to expose to the OM's contacts since he has destroyed your family. You didn't need the OMW's permission for that. I would just tell her you are sorry but you have a right to defend yourself and your children from the OM's assault. All of the OM's contacts should know what kind of man he is so they can protect their families too. You have no obligation to help him hide his nefarious activities. If he is embarrassed, then good, he should be embarrassed.

And yes, exposure has worked. It has got around and the OM was placed in a position to defend himself. It is just sad that the OMW is playing the enabler.

I'm not sure what she means by damage control but only indicitatd that she is embarrassed by having such a private matter out for people to gossip about. Also, that many of his contacts were actually her friends and already knew what was going on.

For now, I'm thinking I simply ignore OMW as she either doesn't get it or just wants to be left out of this to heal. Unless you all think I need to continue dialog with her for any reason. I no longer need proof or anything else and continued contact with her only brings me pain.

I hope it is quality vs quantity in exposure as there were only 50 contacts on both sides that this went to. We will see the fallout but hate this guilt I feel for only trying to protect my family. I will apologize for the pain it caused her but not for doing it as their actions have consequences that everyone has to live with.

I know it is hard to see her feeling hurt, but be assured that her embarrassment is very misplaced. She has done nothing wrong. Her reaction tells me that she has tried to keep this a big secret, which has only made the problem worse.

You did good in exposing it, Melo!

Melo
When I exposed I got a nasty email from OMW.
Just ignore it.
You can't be concerned with her issues.
You are trying to save your marriage. Not hers

Exposure has worked. Sad for OMW. Reply to WW with a simple question, What lie did I tell? and follow it up, with, " OM is so wonderful that you allowed him to destroy our family, I'm just helping to spread the wonderful news". GF

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It helps to hear that you went through similar experiences and what I can expect. I'm a nice person but can't save her marriage and explain my every move.

I will let this sit today and see about responding tomorrow.

ML - I think you are right, she is still protecting OM and I know he is VERY controlling and private so he's likely pushing her to find out who I sent this to so he can put his spin on it first.

So WW took off right when I got home and will be having a sleep over. She nor I said a word to one another so I just spent a nice relaxing evening with the kids. I am sure they are together coming up with a plan or just venting on how terrible of a person I am for exposing them.

When she moved out the first time I couldn't be around her and all conversations were fights and nasty. We haven't spoken in a week since she broke NC. Only communicate on the kids schedule via email. I can't be around her and it is best right now, as I would go off in anger as would she.

What can I expect now? I'm not sure if the fallout will take a week, a month, or longer. I really don't see communication taking place at all as we head for D.

What are the living arrangements right now? Have you considered going into Plan B?

She moved back in 1 month ago after she called it off with POSOM. I made the biggest mistake allowing it as he was stalking her and I thought I could protect her and try to R with her. Now I'm stuck and my attorney said a judge will likely not remove her with no job or place to live.

She is "job and house hunting" now and divorce will be final in about a month.

How can you get her out if the divorce is almost final?

I can't get her out . Just trying to make it manageable for the kids right now.

So what is your plan to separate from her? Who gets the house?

Would she move out if you asked her?

I have asked her and she will not move out now.

She was willing to "work out a deal" so I could keep the house. I have no idea if she would have honored this but am sure my exposure will have her unwilling to deal on anything. It will likely be sold as I can't afford it along with child support.

Separating from her is not too challenging as we are not speaking anyway. We have separate bank accounts and our attorneys will handle all the details. We really only communicate via email on a schedule for the kids until something is formally put in place with the D.

Melo, from experience it's best not to expect anything, know that exposure will have an impact on the A as the truth has been exposed and this makes AP uncomfortable. They can no longer hide behind the story they have spun. By exposing you have made a stand for your marriage, please don't feel guilty about that. It is a shame OMW has misguided ideas about protecting her marriage, but you cannot stop fighting for yours b/c it causes her embarrassment. Hopefully one day she will come to realise she is enabling the A.

I exposed 2mths ago and to date only received responses from WH & OW which indicated exposure was a direct hit. I was disheartened that I hadn't received any other responses and wonderered why no one was willing to hold him accountable. A week ago WH lawyer sent a letter, one of the matters raised was my exposure. Obviously the impact had been greater than I thought.

Thank you happyfuture66, that was how I was feeling over the weekend - that I wasn't receiving many responses/support, mainly from WW side. I guess I shouldn't complain as I did get 2 responses from WW friends that they are praying for us and 1 from OM neighbor that if the opportunity presented itself that she would say something.

I just wasn't sure what to expect or if there was a timeline for if/when this would blow up the affair. However, I realize I need to start protecting my own emotions now and spend time with the kids; I've done all I can to end this affair and can't keep letting it consume my every thought.

No expectations, but please know, as Dr. Harley states, that the very act of bringing light to the affair, shedding its secrecy, exposing it, is THE act that WILL kill the affair, sometimes immediately.

And, if not immediately...and you feel like "nothing's happened"...know that this is the beginning of the end for this sordid mess.

Melo12,

Good work, the affair is dead, you've enlisted many more eyes to watch, OM might never have another affair.

Should your marriage end, you have a powerful story to tell your next partner, I think it will scare away philandering women.

1 from OM neighbor that if the opportunity presented itself that she would say something.

Even one contact will throw OM into paranoid mode and drain the affair love bank. Increase his paranoia by not letting on who knows, you know only one person replied but OM does not. He will become unsure of himself in his personal relations and assume everyone knows and is secretly judging him.

This scandal is of OMs own doing, he deserved privacy no more than Bernard Madoff did.

God Bless
Gamma

That is an excellent point Gamma, thank you! I was thinking this exact same thing when OMW contacted me to ask who I sent this to....it had me thinking that she was still protecting him as he "forced her" to find out how many people I told. He is so secretive and cares so much about his neighbors opinions that I am sure he is freaking out trying to see who is talking about him. I appreciate you making this point as it confirms what I was thinking.

I sent a response to OMW that I apologize for her being hurt, but not for what I had done and she has nothing to be embarrassed about as we are both victims. I also told her I had someone respond in support of them ending the affair so I hope she shares that with POSOM! She may never speak to me again but I quoted Dr. Harley on the reasoning behind my actions.

I received this email from OMW friend - I will just ignore as I can't convince them otherwise; nor do I need to.

I sympathize with your situation. You have a broken heart and are dealing with a huge betrayal. But to contact me is inappropriate. You did not get my address in a forthcoming way, i.e. through the only common contact we have, which is shady. And let�s be honest about what this letter/picture was intended for; public shaming of WW and POSOM. Which as a scorned husband, is your prerogative.

But to honestly think that a) I have any influence over POSOM actions or decisions or b) that sending this out to strangers is conducive to repairing damage with WW, is foolish. I am here to be supportive of OMW decisions ONLY, because I am her friend. Otherwise, these matters of marriage are private between the respective parties. I�m sure for the sake of the children, you are willing to sacrifice some pride and fight for your marriage, but the bottom truth is that WW WANTS POSOM. And POSOM, in his selfishness, wants WW�FOR NOW.

You are spitting into the wind trying to force her to return to being a loving wife to you. But this is your path of decisions. I have been praying for God�s hand in this mess since I found out about it, but that will be the extent of my involvement. I am sending this through OMW, because I do not need a reply, I just wanted to be able to comment since you chose to involve me. Please do not contact me again.

Bingo.

No need to respond.

Exposure is working.

Great job!

Melo12,

Reading between the lines...

I am here to be supportive of OMW decisions ONLY, because I am her friend.

And implicitly will no longer trust OM, and will help keep OMW afloat mentally, while OM falls apart, making OMW more attractive to OM.

I�m sure for the sake of the children, you are willing to sacrifice some pride and fight for your marriage.

She understands what OM did to your children and his own children, good, very good.

POSOM, in his selfishness, wants WW�FOR NOW.

She will help OMW get OM back. OM will go back to not one mad hornet but a whole hive.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you Gamma!

Thinking out loud but what about the thought that it drives these two closer together? Meaning that "us against the world" mentality that they can never go back to their spouses since they will never be accepted or that too much damage has been done?

Melo,

Good sentiments by Gamma...agree.

FWIW -- I think what exposure does is drive people more toward what is right, away from what has been obviously wrong and damaging and unacceptable and evil to so many...kinda like WW will go back to her safe harbor -- YOU!

Keep up the good work.

This response from OMW's friend just reaffirms the idea that pretending the affair is not happening will make things work out for OMW.

It also could be OM trying to make you doubt yourself.

A far as exposure goes most of the 50 on your list will tell someone else, and not stop there. OM will either get dirty looks or be thinking everyone is looking at him. He knows he is scum and now he knows other people do too.

dan

Thanks, I am doing that a lot myself right now. Just a bad past few days and having a rough go of it knowing that she seems to be moving on and making plans with schedules, financials, etc. and I'm left alone.

She has him to rely and depend on and while I have a wonderful family & friends network, I still feel "left behind". Trying to focus on big picture, that they won't last and I still have my kids but just a rough day today I guess with the overwhelming thoughts of everything.

It can drive them closer together for a very short period of time, but the damage that exposure inflicts on the affair pushes them back to the spouse. An exposed affair ruins the fantasy and ruins the prospect of introducing the OP into each others lives.

The fact that they will never be accepted pushes them towards the spouse, not the OP.

In other words, she supports adultery instead of your marriages. She is no friend to the OMW and no friend to marriage. Thank goodness you do not need the approval of crapwits, huh?

Yeah ML, I can't get tied up trying to provide logic to someone who thinks her strong opinion on what I'm doing wouldn't affect what POSOM is doing. Yet, I will be the one who "looks bad" in all of this. I was hesitant to do this back in April when I joined here and it is my biggest regret. People would rather just sit on their hands and say, oh well my spouse doesn't want me anymore, guess I will just D.

I won't apologize for fighting to save my M. People don't say anything because they don't want to create or cause conflict, in a "private matter". How about we try something different since obviously sitting on our hands and saying/doing nothing isn't working.

You find out real quick who stands for marriage and who doesn't when it comes to adultery. And many folks just haven't really thought it through.

My *OWN* mother was telling me and my aunt over 4th of July that the only Clint Eastwood movie she ever liked was Bridges of Madison County. I turned to my puzzled aunt, who has never seen it, and said, "it is the story of this married woman who screws some loser in her marital bed while her loving husband and kids are out of town. She and her adultery partner write sleazy love letters back and forth over the years and her poor kids get to read what a wh*re she was when she dies! She screws the guy in HER HUSBAND'S OWN BED!!" [I emphasized that last part! ] I thought my aunt was going to stroke out! She turned GREEN and my mother got quiet all of a sudden.

For a while I thought, it couldn't be THAT bad...then of course I learned.

Melo12,

Yet, I will be the one who "looks bad" in all of this.

My experience has been that spouses who keep their betrayal secret suffer stress and shame from doing so, since they have to lie to others about what really happened and internalize their pain.

It is made all the more acute by allowing the betrayers to come up with cute stories about why they are together and �so happy.� or �it was better for the kids� or �we drifted apart�.

They are just mad you didn't follow the betrayed script and go into a corner defenseless and destroyed. It's not that you look bad but that you kept them from looking good.

God Bless
Gamma

Excellent perspective G thank you! I will write my own script for how this goes down, it will not be written for me as I sit and watch. So appreciative for the support, direction, and similar experiences as that has been so helpful for me to relate.

Especially on the emotional part; at least I feel in control of something after everything else has been stolen from me.

This is very profound. It is absolutely true that those who keep the affair a secret suffer greatly.

Melo,
Your wife is upset that you are acting like a man. John Wayne would be proud of you!

Well, I'm not John Wayne, but I'm certainly proud of your efforts. And don't let the lack of responses from your exposure targets get you down or make you think your efforts were for naught. Think about it for a sec: If your exposure didn't work then why is your wife stomping around like a little child that has just had her favorite toy taken away from her?

Another thing. Exposure works in mysterious ways. While you didn't expose to many, a lot more are hearing about it from word of mouth. All you had to do was start the ball rolling, and gravity has taken it from there.

Nicely done, oh and Gamma, awesome post!

Melo,

Tiger stole a little of my thunder...

I can second his post that exposure works in mysterious ways -- here I am a year post-exposure (March), and I catch inklings every now and then of the word-of-mouth effect shining light on the affair had...it still amazes me the, um....momentum, I guess, comes about once you expose, even if you feel it was 'limited'...

Also, FWIW, I wanted you to share a few quotes with you:

*'thank you for saving me'

*'I am sorry for betraying you and jeopardizing our family'

*'I am sorry/disgusted/regret/shamed at my behavior'

*'thank you for finding MB for us'

*'I love our marriage'

*'thank you for your strength, and being and the sane one carrying the family when I was in a fog'

All of these were said to me by my wife AFTER EXPOSURE. Some days after...some weeks after...some months after withdrawal and thr fog lifted, but stated nonetheless.

Please listen to the vets, and know you did good, kid!

Thank you! Trust me, trust me no second thoughts for me whatsoever. You guys have helped me immensely and I have a good amount of friends and family. They just can't "relate" so this has been my security and place for healing. I don't know how many times that I have gone back to reread comments that continue to give me strength, so for that I am forever grateful.

I like the momentum analogy and look forward to posting once I hear more. At least I'm now up to 5 people who have at least made a comment back to me. WW is acting like it is no big deal today (or at least not telling me) after going off on texts two days ago!! It pains me that she takes off with POSOM for the past two nights, but at least I did my part.

Regardless of the outcome, I can look proudly in my children's eyes that I did everything possible and took a stand to fight for my M.

When she gets home, I would ask her right in front of your kids "how was Mrs Smith's husband, your adultery partner? Do you plan on carrying on your affair right in front of me and the kids while you still live here? Do you think that is good role modeling for the kids?"

Ask her to respect you and the kids enough to forgo her adultery until she has moved out. I would DEMAND that she end her affair as long as you are married.

Everytime she goes out ask her "are you going to see Mrs Smith's husband again? We need to know if you are still committing adultery."

I would be loud and proud about it, Melo. If she is doing nothing wrong, she should have NO OBJECTION whatsoever to your loudly pointing out her pursuit of her filthy affair. Would she have grounds to complain if you asked her if she were going shopping?

Its real important to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair and to make regularly tell her how upset you are at her behavior. A silent [read complacent] approach gives her the impression you don't care very much.

ML that is a problem; she discusts me that I can't even look at her. She is disrespecting me right in front of my face. I was creating so much conflict the past week but I need to detach as it stresses me out too much.

I am heading for D and can't keep fighting just to fight as I need to start healing. Does that make sense? I have been so consumed with anger that I now have to let her go as it is eating me alive.

Well I guess ML message got to me and I had an outburst this morning when she arrived home. The kids were still sleeping but I went off on how heartless and disrespectful she is being with carrying on this affair while we are still married and throwing it right in my face.

She first tried to start a fight but I wouldn't allow her to get off that easy. She broke down and started crying and said that was why she went back to him a second time, because I don't deserve any of this and deserve someone better. I know it is fog talk and it pisses me off that she lets herself off the hook by saying I'm worthy of someone better than her. I can't even comprehend the logic so told her I was done talking to her. She did recognize the exposure during the conversation saying that I was trying to destroy her (and POSOM) life and it was ok because they deserve it.

However, I can't do this anymore to myself. She knows how I feel and she can't even look at me or herself for that matter. She is running from her issues and I have to do what is now in my best interest. I don't know what else to do at this point but shut her out and try to focus on my mental well being.

Hey, hang in there. I have been following your thread and applaud you for your efforts !!! Some of these vets will weigh in shortly I'm sure, but just wanted to say congrats on your perseverance/determination.

Melo, her behavior is so flagrant and so cruel, which is why I wanted you to demand [politely] that she stop it. I am hoping that you can persuade her to stop this. I know it is hard, but if you have angry outbursts, she will probably do it more. Somehow you have to control yourself.

I would do everything in your power to move this situation forward. What is your attorney doing for you? Is he fighting for your rights or is he handing everything to your wife?

Agreed ML, but it is like banging my head against the wall as she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. I am sure the POSOM is in her ear telling her it is no big deal but I told her that she is acting heartless and is beyond disrespectful. She tries to explain it away with nonsense which is when I loose it as the behavior cannot be justified. I know screaming at her doesn't work, but when I calmly talk to her (telling not asking) she either feels that I'm trying to control her or tries to explain herself. It is maddening.

He is fighting, but I am not in a good situation. The main thing is to keep POSOM away from my kids. I am in a no fault state, she has no job, or place to live. She is moving out and finding a place on her own as we speak.

I'm not rolling over but don't have a whole lot that I can do, at least legally. I've talked about removing her, but with the D only 3 weeks out, he said the judge is unlikely to do this since she is unemployed; it is only going to rack up my bill.

Can you ask her to move out? Sometimes this will work with a wayward spouse if you are persistent but polite because she will be tempted to move away from the source of the conflict. It will also put pressure on the OM to take her in.

Ask her to move out now because carrying on her affair in front of you and the kids is too painful. It is disrespectful to you and the kids. It teaches the kids that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle. Asking her to stop being cruel is not "controlling."

Also, can your attorney get it put in your papers that the OM be kept away from the kids since he is an unfit adult? We have had this done in many states. Most attorneys at first say it can't be done, but anything that is agreed to can be done with a little negotiation.

Are you going to have to move out of your home and leave her there with the kids? How is this going to play out?

I have asked her several times to move out, while the D is being finalized. Both nicely and not so nice and she will not as she "just wants to raise our kids the best she can". Trust me, I've tried several times and can't convince her otherwise that she is being ridiculous. I will continue to push this and at the very least, create conflict that I will not stand for around my children.

I'm working on the OM angle with my attorney, yes. He is well aware and I'm lighting a fire under his butt to make this happen.

No, she is looking for condo's right now. We are planning on 50/50 custody and I hope to be able to afford to stay in the marital home. I have politely asked for her assistance in keeping me here, meaning if she will work with me on the finances to keep the kids in a stable environment.

Ask her how it looks to the kids for her to be carrying on her adultery from their own home? I would really pound this point home that it is profoundly disrespectful to you and your children for her to be flaunting her adultery. Does she want your kids to grow up to be little liars and cheaters?

Thank you ML, I will continue to do so. My concern is that she doesn't feel she is doing this or will justify that she's just leaving for sleepovers and the kids are not aware. I can talk until I am blue in the face that our 3 & 6 year old are absolutely aware of what is going on. I will continue to try.

Her father just emailed me and I will try to meet with him. I know he is getting partial truths from her but is aware of the affair. It is so very hard talking to them as he had 2 extramarital affairs and they've already met POSOM. It's not like they've welcomed him as part of the family but the fact that they aren't raging mad about this makes me feel like they are supporting her adultery. I think they are trying to be independent as they love me and obviously their grandchildren and just trying to be there for everyone without causing conflict. I don't even know what to say as I've approached both of them the entire time with no success.

Melo,
If your father in law is an adulterer himself he will side with your wife.
Remember wayward fog? He may still be in it! Do NOT expect wisdom or good decisions from a wayward!

What I did with my irrational wife ( who would flip me off, say f you while holding my 5 yr old, then 5 minutes later say she is sorry) .... Is emotionally detach myself from her.
You need to have the mindset that your wife is crazy and treat her as such.
Don't expect rational thinking.
Don't let her reel you into arguments.
When she starts arguing offer her a cup of juice.

"Would you like a glass of juice?" then walk away.

You are very right HDW and that is the only resolution I can see that would best fit my situation. I cannot reason with her as she justifies or comes up with an excuse for her poor behavior and decisions. It is best for myself to shut her out as that is the best way for me to deal with her right now. Otherwise, I feel I get sucked back in and she somehow convinces me that I'm the one who is speaking nonsense.

I know what I have to do for my own health and that is taking the high road and simply acting as if she doesn't exist right now so that I can get through this with my kids. I received one more comment from exposing and this person said she would reach out to POSOM, so we'll see. I feel I've done what I can and need to protect my emotions now.

I will have a conversation with her father though, if nothing else to expose the truth on what is going on. I know he won't take a stand for M but he's at least going to hear the facts of the situation, not WW spin.

Just a brief update on the exposure. I spoke with a neighbor of POSOM and he reached out to them to tell them what I had done and defended himself. He's sticking with his story that he and my WW needed "closure" which is why they are now just friends and he's trying to work things out with his wife. People will believe what they want but so glad I exposed this rat. I'm up to about 5 people that have responded to me with support, so I know the message is out there since he's feeling the heat to defend himself.

I can't get upset over it but WW parents are siding with their daughter. I guess logic would assume that of course they would, but it angers me that anyone would support this. I'm sure they are getting a filtered truth of what is going on and having a hard time with that part. If people know the truth and want to side with them that is one (sad) thing, but I hate it that people are brainwashed into believing their little story even after exposure.

Sorry for the rant, but doing better today and hope the fallout continues!

Have you spoken to her parents PERSONALLY? Or are they getting spin from her? I would ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. If you ask for help, they are often more willing to give it.

I have tried this, numerous times the past 4 months and it goes no place. I've gotten comments from, "we have no control over her", "can you legally do something", "we just want to help support the grand kids as best we can". I reached back out to them immediately after I discovered my WW broke NC and told them about the safety of their grandchildren as this POSOM is a threat and I'm doing what I can to legally block him. They said they'd have a talk with WW but know that they are getting her spin and are to the point now that they likely don't know what to believe and just want to support all involved.

I sent her father a detailed email yesterday and asked him for a meeting. He is a former wayward so I may be wasting my breath/time with trying to convince him of anything. He made a comment in his email that "attacking their daughter" isn't good for the kids. I was pissed and said I'm sorry you feel that way, but here's a few examples of what she is doing....I just don't know if I can get through to them as all of my past efforts felt like they went on deaf ears.

gotcha! I agree you have done everything you can there. I wasn't sure if you had spoken to them personally and it sounds like you have done everything possible in that arena.

I am very encouraged that the POSOM is having to do damage control over his affair. That is awesome!

Melo12,

He is a former wayward so I may be wasting my breath/time with trying to convince him of anything. He made a comment in his email that "attacking their daughter" isn't good for the kids.

Sorta like telling a drunk at his well stocked personal bar in the basement of his house, why you are trying to keep his daughter away from bars and keep liquor out of your house. But that does not matter it is more important that your WW knows that he knows, she now bears the burden of your FILs disappointment with himself.

Please ask FIL how he feels about what OM was doing to his Grandchildren. If you feel really up to it ask him how he felt about the devastation he brought upon the families of his OWs.

I agree with Melody you've done everything you can, you've re-established your integrity.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you G, I do feel better about everything and exposing. If people want to continue to support or be their friend after this, I can't worry about it. I've done my part to get the truth out there and they can believe the lies if they want.

I've already planted to seed to him about POSOM and protecting his grandchildren, just did not want to get into details over email. If he takes a meeting, you can be sure that all will be told. He can believe what he wants or confront WW who will no doubt protect and lie for her POSOM.

I've told them enough for them to decide what they choose to believe. He, along with WW have to carry the affair burden the rest of their lives. I'm just trying to set an example for my children that it is NOT acceptable.

Melo,
What about OM is dangerous to the kids?

Well morally & ethically everything, but the law won't prevent that. However, he called and threatened me so I filed a police report on him. My WW filed a police report on him as well as he was harassing her through texts, emails, and phone calls. My WW told me he kicked her, threw a table tray at her head, and got a kitchen knife and waved it in front of her. Now that she's back with him, she's telling me that she lied about those things; so she's now protecting him.

No way am I going to allow this guy around my kids, ever.

So POSOM filed a police report against me for the exposure! I have no idea what this will mean nor do I care at this point if I incur more legal fees, but but a call into my attorney to see what or if I need to do anything. I assume this will be some form of harassment, but thought I'd see if anyone got hit with this before.

Part of me hopes it goes further down the road so I can bring all of my evidence (sex pics, texts, etc.) and show what kind of business man this guy is in his community.

How do you know OM filed a report?

Police can't arrest you for telling the truth.

Police called me to tell me they are filing a report.

POSOM called and harassed me 2 months ago and I called and filed a report on him. He in turn called and reported me; saying I was the one calling him (completely false). The officer said not to contact him again, to which I replied I never have and I assume everything was dropped.

I'm not worried about being arrested for this crap, just wondering if there's experience with what to expect.

I'm not a legal expert but I'd be curious to know what he's claiming? How have you harassed him? By telling the truth?

The good news here is that you are getting more and more confirmation that your exposure hit the target. He is twisting in the wind with rage and embarrassment. EXCELLENT.

Hold steady. I don't see his legal action going anywhere. Telling the truth is not a crime.

Also, it's interesting that some of the people who've contacted you from his side are implying that he will eventually go back to his wife. His wife must be in her own fog and somehow thinking that if she were a better wife and all that blah, blah, blah he wouldn't have strayed. She is drinking his wayward koolaid, which is sad but not your problem.

Now people know what's happening with them and that he is the one destroying everything. His BW is probably getting more support and strength because of your exposure and he's going to have to deal with the public pressure to return to her (since he seems to have implied that to anyone who had an inkling of what's going on here).

You're doing great work!!

Hang in there Melo! Take care of yourself.

In the meantime, make sure you have all your important papers locked up: passports, kids' birth certificates, social security cards, etc.

Also, what are you doing to protect yourself financially? Joint credit cards? Joint bank accounts? You can't be the one funding this affair.

Be smart. Be tactical. Don't act on emotion. You do not let your emotions get the best of you.

Calm, cool, and collected. Your mission is to destroy this affair while protecting yourself and your kids.

Melo12,

The officer said not to contact him again

Just picket his funeral parlor with a god hates adulterers sign, lol, but don't talk to him.

Given the analogy to Westboro you might get the local TV station to show up.

God Bless
Gamma

No, he is a compulsive liar and is telling people this to throw them off the scent. He is not going back to his wife and she told me she wouldn't take him back after this. However, she's not talking to me after my exposure so I can't help her.

Thanks for the support, it means a lot and has kept me motivated and positive.

Spoke with my attorney and he laughed it off. He said worst case is a misdemenor but doubts it will go anywhere, so I will hang strong.

So get this, one of his "friends" and I have been sharing emails this week. She said the POSOM tried to get her to run off together a few years ago. She wanted nothing to do with him and wishes she would have exposed him then. What a piece of work. My WW will eventually have this same thing happen to her by this serial cheater. Yet another good reason I'm so glad I exposed this piece of trash.

Is there something wrong with what you told everyone??

Have you been told exactly what law was broken? A misdemeanor for what?

Thank you, doing my best to be strong. It consumes me but trying to focus on work as best I can, which is probably the only area I am struggling. Eating, sleeping, and exercising so I'm good. Can always find another job. Emotions are in check as I am not speaking to her at all; just arrange kids via email. That is what I need right now as I can't even look at her.

Financials: I made stupid decisions early on (before I landed here) but quickly corrected and cut off the bank, credit cards, etc. so she's been on her own - or on his dime.

I think I have everything under control so moving my focus on the kids; they now need 100% of my focus.

My attorney hasn't heard back yet. It is not for exposure but the officer who called me mentioned it, so POSOM obviously was bothered by it. I believe harassment since I wasn't supposed to contact POSOM. He tried to file a report against me a few months ago for "calling him" (which I never did). The officer gave me a warning and said don't call him again. I sent POSOM an email last week; no threats, just that they both discust me. He needed to hear it from me.

No worries...you are doing GREAT!!!

Exposure is simply telling the truth -- if the affair partners are so proud of their relationship, they would've announced it to the world -- and that truth has killed this affair.

Take care of those kids...and YOU!

Can you afford a billboard? Now would be a really good time to ramp things up.

If you have a court order in place not to do something, you need to adhere to it. Willfully violating a court order can put you in contempt of court, and in most states that is a felony. It usually doesn't get there in this scenario, but depending on your Judge, you should make sure you abide by the court order. Your attorney should be able to guide you in this matter.

Focusing on your kids is a GREAT decision.

No, nothing like that is in place. The officer said he was going to be moving ahead with filing charges yesterday. My attorney put a call into him so we will see. I'm not worried about it; initially thought it had something to do with exposing but that's not the case.

I will keep posting for updates and advice. Found out late last night that my WW is going back to work for him again.

An update that my attorney spoke with the officer and no charges will be filed; however I cannot contact POSOM (which I have no intentions to). He told the officer he is suing me civilly for slander and libel which I'm sure is just BS and I'm not at all concerned.

I am not speaking to WW at all right now and trying to move on with life. Still trying to let go and begin to heal which is very hard; would be easier if I knew they were feeling the affects of this, but need to stop letting that consume me.

Thank you all for the support and advice and I will keep posting if there are relevant updates. Just not sure there is much else I can or need to do; it is exposed so the cards can fall where they may.

Ha, ha...would love to see POSOM try that case....don't worry about him any longer.

Keep updating...exposure did the necessary damage -- if it's not over already, this thing will die soon...

God Bless.

LMAO! Nor should you be, and if you're thinking your actions haven't been effective, then just look at the lunatic backlash that is occurring. And with no foundation of truth or merit whatsoever.

Melo, I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with all this, and I do feel for you. Been there, done that. Hang in there pal. You are doing great.

Thanks guys, your words have kept me motivatated, strong, and I will keep posting. I'm very apprecretative for what you have helped me with and gotten me through the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

I will get through this and so thankful for your support.

Pity you can't contact him one more time - you could send him a dictionary so he could look up the definitions for 'slander' and 'libel.'

LOL, MB and others. I am also always amused when the "slander" word is thrown about. "Libel", also.

"You said I am an XXX in public!!!"

Er, yeah, cuz you are. Next question?

Now, just a few hours with Judge Judy should be enough education. No need to go crazy with a dictionary (big learnin'). Haaaa!

My WXW said I was assassinating her character. Got to love exposure.

No significant updates but she is moving out and got a Condo near by. POSOM is living 2 hours away so I hope their distance will become a pain in the ___ for them to continue. His wife is still moving forward with D on their end and he will likely be moving out from his place too. WW is planning to go to work for him and starts next week.

Her father was not ever able to meet with me (health issues) but sent me another email that he is saddened and worried about this all; and that our 8+ year marriage is over in a few weeks. I responded that I agreed, but have to heal and be a stable point for the kids. Told him the Facebook thing was only done to try and save my marriage as WW is trying to paint me as some crazy monster who is falling apart. My WW has had her mother come to the house a few times when I was around, almost like she needs protection. I confronted WW as she's making it appear like she is afraid of me; she admitted that she didn't think I would do something like that and told her parents she was concerned about me.

We have our settlement conference on Wed so hope/pray things go well for me since I deserve a bit of good karma after what I've been through. She doesn't appear to be going after me for as much as she could so POSOM may be a temporary blessing to get me to the finish line.

Still so very painful but making every attempt to be strong.

Are you seeking custody?

No, it will be joint custody. It is rather unlikely that I would be awarded custody as she has been a stay-at-home mom for the past 6 years providing most of the care for the children. She is now residing near the children so distance is no longer an issue.

Aside from her lack of common sense and stability the past 6 months, my attorney said it is unlikely I would be awarded custody right now. However, this will be something I will continue to review and pursue down the road. These constant changes in behavior and changing her mind every month is only going to help build a case against her as I remain in the marital home and provide the needed stability.

Has a GAL been appointed to represent the kids?

No - not sure why that would be necessary at this point?

I'm a big proponent of GALs.
My wife was a stay at home mom too. And I received custody.
Waywards act stupid and crazy. Dr Harley says their actions resemble mental illness.
That can play out good in custody evaluations.

Remember attorneys like to settle.

What harm is there in appointing a GAL?

How did the settlement conference go?

The best word I can use is anti-climatic. I guess I had my hopes up or thinking it would be me versus her and I wanted to win; but as I've learned, no one really wins in divorce, except of course for the attorneys. I would say that it was fair or that I got out of there with a fair settlement.

We had already agreed on 50/50 for the kids and my attorney said it would be very hard for this judge to award me full custody. We can always do this at a future date as my attorney is confident that she's going to screw this up; she has proved herself to be unstable. She's working part-time for POSOM and will be commuting 2 hours each way 3 days a week. I'm sure that she is going to spend the night to cut down on driving but that is still going to get old.

I got the marital house free and clear and she is nearly moved out; she got a condo near by so it will be easier to manage with regard to the kids.

The one main thing I wanted was to keep POSOM away from my kids; the facilitator said there is no way that's going to happen. There's not enough on him that the judge would let this go in my favor. She said it is just going to force them to marry each other and I don't want that for my kids. She said their relationship will not last and I just need to sit tight. It angers me to no end, but have come to the realization that I've done everything I can and have to let it go.

Overall, I'm satisfied I guess. I never wanted this but have tried to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. She still acts happy and in fantasy land but I can't let that get to me as it can't be real. I need to start healing and can no longer focus on her.

Make sure your Kids know EXACTLY who Posom is. The kids will want nothing to do with him. They will put up a stink with xww. And it will cause some more drama for the affairees.

The way I see it, she will likely be spending 2 nights in OMs town, and even more likely 3/4/or 5. She won't be able, nor want, 50/50 custody for very long.

Get your kids involved in some sports or activities that require them to be in YOUR town all the time. You don't want her to try getting them to spend time in OMs town. Keep them too busy. Plus it will cause her more conflict, and more sacrifice - because she will be missing all of those activities/games to be with OM. It will raise her expectations of him. She can't replace missing her child's game with sex, before long she will feel really bad about herself.

Melo12

Agreed with the above. I assume you have 'joint' custody with 50/50 parenting (?) so keep track of all the time she actually spends with the kids. If it ends up below the 50/50, petition the court to modify accordingly, since that will give you leverage down the road, and maybe additional financial (child) support from her for the kids. Good Luck

are you going to plan b?
What boundaries will you have around yourself ?

Thank you Lexxxy and dec, that is very solid advice. The kids are 6 and 3 and my oldest is in gymnastics right now which is a big commitment; not sure if it is enough to interrupt with WW schedule since she basically makes her own hours working for POSOM. However, I will look into other activities for both as I think it would be good for them.

I simply do not agree with telling them about POSOM; I know what Dr. Harley says but do not think this is healthy and will not do it. My oldest knows that I do not like him and has asked me why several times. I am honest that I do not like him, but have not told her why.


I think I am but please tell me if I need to add more. I've reviewed the plan B and parenting in plan B as well. It is hard since I "need her" with some care for the kids, I travel a lot with my job and don't have a support group to help.

• I do not speak to her unless it is about the kids. She tries to talk to me about other things and I simply tell her I no longer am interested in those conversations.
  
• We will exchange the kids at school or daycare so no interaction will be needed.
  
• Nearly all communication has been through a website we use. It will only involve the kids.
  
• I am changing the locks on the house Monday. She is out of the house anyway, just has a few remaining items that she has 30 days to remove.
  
• I am going to keep any interaction in person very business like.
  

Melo12,

I simply do not agree with telling them about POSOM; I know what Dr. Harley says but do not think this is healthy and will not do it. My oldest knows that I do not like him and has asked me why several times. I am honest that I do not like him, but have not told her why.

Everyone who has spoken to me about their parents infidelity knew something was going on and felt they were somehow to blame or could have helped. Your DDs need to know that none of this is their fault and that the true culprits in all of this are WW and OM. If OM has destroyed your DDs family they need to know.

There is some chance they have witnessed some inappropriate behavior or communication between OM and WW. Please do not allow your DDs to have to carry the burden of horrible secrets.

God Bless
Gamma

First Gamma has a good point.
Children are harmed by adultery and the secrets they learn to keep. The lies they tell. I'm sure your wife appreciates this form of enabling but it does NOT help your kids or your ex wife.
When I explained to my kids, about your age, that mommy loved another man more than daddy they gained some understanding.

The choice is yours. But I will share that AlAnon meetings are filled with adult children of alcoholics that learned to lie and keep secrets ; as adults it impairs them. Same for adult children of divorce.

Regarding limited contact, I will say I think it's a LOT harder than NO contact.
You CAN plan B if you want to.

Here is the limited contact letter I sent my ww about 30 minutes after we were divorced ( before I sent it she sent me a text asking if she and her mom could stop by the house Hah Hah):


Okay I don't had an IM. I don't want to train one either.
Here is my limited contact letter. :




Dear Ww,

As of today (July 24) I will only communicate with you by email (aol.com).�
I will only respond to emails concerning our children or other issues as required by Court Order.�
Emails will be reviewed and responded to within 24 hours.�

Please do not phone, write, text message or contact me in person or in any other manner.�

Per your suggestion, I have designated the house phone as the "mommy phone" and will have our children call you daily at 6:30 pm.�

In the event of an actual child related emergency please contact my father at xxxxxand/or my sister at xxxxx and I will immediately respond.�

Respectfully,



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Send a copy to OW.
Send copies to the IM, you family members, and your attorney.

Oh and I also added:

"you are trespassed from our marital home"

If you really want to let her know how much you appreciate her lying and deceit have the Sheriff serve her with a No Trespass letter

This makes absolutely no sense to me. Are you paving the way for his smooth transition into his role as step-father? Do you plan for all of you to be good buddies after the divorce? Why have you not explained to your children that your WW's affair partner is a partner in the death of your family? You're making it really easy for him to slide in and assume a father's role in your children's life. Not good.

Melo, I would strongly urge you to reconsider this. It is unhealthy to NOT tell her because it confuses her and teaches her that dishonesty is acceptable. She is going to be exposed to the affair and needs to understand - from YOU - what is really going on. You have absolutely no reason to whitewash this affair. That helps no one, most especially your daughter.

Your daughter needs to know who the fox in the henhouse is. She needs to know why her family has been destroyed or she will blame you or, worse yet, blame herself.

It is lies and adultery that are unhealthy, not the truth. The truth helps people navigate life and children are no different. Illusions do not make children happy or secure. Your DD should be told all about the OM and how her family has been busted up so her mother could mother could pursue her affair. This is pertinent information about her life.

here



here

here

Go to 8:40 in this clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3694

and then it finishes up here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3695

This same principle applies to everything in life.
If a child friend is dying of cancer do you explain it to your kids?
If a close relative is an alcoholic do you explain it?

For years my mother in law live with us. She is an alcoholic. She would go on binges and end up in the hospital. She would be sent to rehab. My enabling wife thought it would be inappropriate to explain the reasons to the kids.
So they were always told "grandma is sick "
When she was in rehab the story was "grandma is in school". Ironically, grandma would continue this lie when they visited her. She would say she is going to school and living at school.

When I explained to my children that grandma had a disease called alcoholism and explained how dangerous alcohol was and that te school she was going to was because a judge ordered her to they APPRECIATED the truth.
Up to this date my kids were convinced there was some mystery illness that makes their grandma go to the hospital and "school".
They welcomed and handled the truth.

It's the same with anything. Be honest. You dot have to do it because Dr Harley says to. Being honest is one of the Ten Commandments. Moses lived thousands of years before Dr Harley.

Spouses of alcoholics regularly LIE, make EXCUSES and go to extraordinary measures to cover up (and enable) their alcoholic spouse.

Do you see a similarity? Because I did in my life.

Thank you HDW and others as you have given me some perspective. I am very honest and want to set an example for my kids but am really struggling with how this may affect my eldest. I may be able to give her more information and still be truthful but need to think on this.

I really appreciate your input on the NC letter. She texted me today and it literally ruined the rest of the day for me. The partial contact is that much worse and I cannot heal with her "around". I will write this same letter so thank you!

When you tell your kids (and you should) keep it to their level. Tell them that Mommy has a boyfriend and wants to be with him instead of you. Tell them that that's not ok, and not how a marriage should work, that is why the marriage is ending.

They will understand perfectly what you are saying without you badmouthing your ex-wife. Give them an idea of what is going on, but I wouldn't give them all of the details.

My kids know that mommy kissed another boy, and they know that isn't ok. If we divorce (which I don't know what is going to happen at this point) and the other guy comes around, I'll simply point him out as mommy's boyfriend and it will be all over.

Another thing I'm doing is I've started reading Proverbs to my kids. It's amazing how God's wisdom is opening their eyes to how the world works, and how to avoid it. I hope this foundation will help them choose a wife wisely.

Proverbs 5

My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
2 that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
7 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
8 Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
9 lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity[a] to one who is cruel,
10 lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
11 At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.

Translation: There are paths in life, and the path down the road with an adulterous woman leads to death as she wonders around aimlessly destroying herself and you with her. Don't go near her or you will end up giving her your wealth when she is bitter and sharp, then you will groan because you didn't listen and avoid her.

Bottom line, TEACH your kids!!! Don't use them as a tool to attack your spouse, but teach them right and wrong, and be honest with them. If you don't then the lies and cheating will be their teacher.

Tell them, simple words, for their age and understanding level. Kids can understand how wrong it is without saying they have a bad mom. They will think less of OM and encourage their mom to do the right thing.
Your wife will do or say what-ever it takes to put herself and OM in best light and make you the bad guy. The first explanation is usually the one that is believed the most.
They also need to know that making choices to make ourselves happy and others hurt are not right. It does not take much for kids to understand, they get it better than we do.
dan
ps They may overhear others talking too, let them know the truth from you. You have onthing to be ashamed of.

What does it mean to "give her more information and still be truthful?" Are you suggesting teasing her a little? Playing head games with her? A little trickle truth fun?

I agree that might be fun to screw with a kids head like that, but she will REMEMBER YOU DID THAT AND WILL NOT APPRECIATE IT.

As long as you refuse to tell your DD the truth, your wife is free to tell her LIES. And believe me, SHE WILL.

When I was 4 years old, my wayward father introduced me to his OW. I sensed that this was very wrong but since no adult would validate this feeling, I concluded i must be a stupid girl. I learned to DOUBT my instincts about right and wrong and grew up profoundly morally confused.

My mother would not sit me down and teach me right from wrong even though I had been THROWN into a very immoral, sick situation. She did not want to be "judgemental." All this did was cause me to grow up veyr confused. I was able to teach myself right from wrong through books when I was in my 30's.

What I just described is PARENTAL NEGLECT to the point of ABUSE. It is the parent's job to teach his child RIGHT FROM WRONG. It is gross dereliction of duty to fail to do so.

Your children are going to be told lies about your break up and will be introduced to the OM. The TRUTH will arm them against what they are facing. THAT IS YOUR JOB AS THEIR FATHER!

It is the lies by omission, aka trickle truth, that come back to haunt you down the road ...

Thank you all, I really do appreciate your advice and input. However, I am not giving them more than they can handle right now. I'm also not just "winging it" on my own, I am reading and researching the heck out of this and have come to my decision on how to handle it. I am giving my 6 year old simple terms that we are no longer married and mommy does not live here any longer; I will absolutely explain more and tell her the truth as she asks questions. She is already upset at mommy for taking a job and moving out.

She is also aware of POSOM and I have told her that I do not like him; but she gets to make her own choice. Once she asks the why question, then it will evolve. I am constantly reinforcing the truth and will always tell her as such; and told her to come to me with questions and I will always tell her the truth. I am not ashamed and will never lie to them, so call it teasing or trickle truth; but I do not believe in teaching my 6 year old to not like someone in order to create conflict and more anger. This does not mean I support what they are doing or that I welcome being replaced by POSOM.

I've done what I can to stop the A and today I am officially D. I will move on from the anger and pain but cannot continue to purposely create conflict, as it keeps me in a bad place and is only going to hurt my kids.

In other words, you are lying to her and teaching her to be dishonest. She will also be taught that marriage is cheap and is easily disposable over nothing.

Lying to children is not a "simple" term, it is a serious thing that she will not appreciate.

By not telling her the truth, you leave her vulnerable and unequipped for the lies your wayward wife will tell her. And believe me, your WW will fill the vacuum with lies to make sure she looks like the good guy and you are the bad guy.


She is left to make a discernment WITHOUT THE FACTS. Can you make good decisions when you don't have the truth? Why would you put your own child in that position?

She does not have the maturity or judgement to discern on her own that the OM is a bad man who has helped destroy her family, nor the maturity or judgement to discern that adultery is immoral. It is YOUR JOB as a parent to teach her right from wrong.

This is gross dereliction of duty and parental NEGLECT. Lets just call it what it is.

I should point out that we have had many affairs abandoned when a heartbroken child addressed her wayward parent to ask WHY? That opportunity should not be passed up.


You avoid conflict at your child's expense. Avoiding conflict in this case means she gets to suffer as a result and will be thrown into her mothers affair ill equipped and vulnerable. For absolutely no better reason that her father wants to avoid conflict.

This is what we call "trickle truth." It is cruel to do to adults and children alike.

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The problem here of avoiding conflict is you leave it up to your daughter to decide if she "likes" someone or if she "dislikes" their actions. She does not have the maturity to make that decision by herself. She needs your input to help make up her mind.
It is easy to see that when mommy is married she shouldn't have a boyfriend and hurt daddy. You can love someone but not like what they do.

dan