Your wife's lack of technical skills should cost her any personal email boxes. She should be using yours going forward. She loses her email privilege. Have job apps and other stuff go to your address. Simple.

Agree.

Whatever conditions allowed her to have the affair needs to be eliminated.

Joint everything.

I am confident the affair is over and we've eliminated/blocked his means of communication which she wants no part of and wants to move on with her life. I know this will take time and a lot of hard work but I still struggle with thoughts of being the fallback plan and how I'll ever get back mentally to a secure place in our relationship. I know time and effort will heal but I struggle with giving her time to start her part of the heavy lifting that this is going to take.

The past month has been spent trying to start new and I feel we've bonded by removing him from the background. She's indicated she wants the marriage and to fix things but we are at different places mentally. I'm ready to work and she's trying to process everything and figuring out where to begin to fix herself so she can then fix her marriage. I struggle with allowing her time to come to terms and work on her stuff and pushing too hard, which is what I've been doing.

The Divorce will be finalized in just over a month so I'm trying to see action out of her before I decide what to do (delay it). I want her to take action on her own versus forcing her to do anything. I outlined in my letter what I want her to do to save the marriage and want to give her some time, but also don't want her thinking time is going to just sweep this mess under the rug without any real effort on her part.

Am I pushing too hard/fast?

Melo12,

Perhaps you should ask your W to take a polygraph before delaying the divorce.

I say that because I don't think you want to endure a sexless recovery that goes on for years like I did, and one of the factors that will perpetuates a sexless marriage is unconfessed secrets.

One of the very few things my W ever admitted to was that she never felt the same about me after her affair with OM2. Had I known that years ago I would have ended the marriage, but I was so attracted to my W I ignore it.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks G, I'm confident that I've received the truth out of her so don't feel the need for a polygraph. However, I definitely fear a recovery without sex as well, as that has been an issue in our marriage that needs to be addressed.

She knows where I stand and I can't keep pushing her in the direction that I want. I am trying to let her come to terms with things on her end and see what actions she is going to take. I've laid out my hopes in the letter, got two copies of Dr. Harley's book, and will be on the radio program to hopefully get additional advice.

Unless I see some kind of fight out of her that I feel I'm trying to put forth, I see no other option but to move forward with D. I just get the sense that she's hoping time will heal and not yet in a place to roll up her sleeves and work, like I'm ready to do.

So she broke NC this morning. She reached out to him since she feels the need to contact him to have closure about her feelings for him. I will be out of town this weekend with the kids and now will be a nervous/anxious wreck all weekend.

I can't do this anymore, even after talking to Dr. Harley - I want to be strong and save my marriage but there is not enough fight left in me to make her fight too. I am a good person and don't deserve to continue to be disrespected this way. I feel like D-Day all over again.

So she broke NC this morning.

Be thankful for small blessings, my friend. WW justified your disquietude about her (re)commitment to your marriage.

She reached out to him since she feels the need to contact him to have closure about her feelings for him wanted to keep him on the hook if she was unable to convince you of the chances for recovery.

You showed excellent judgment in your note of 03 July:

Unless I see some kind of fight out of her that I feel I'm trying to put forth, I see no other option but to move forward with D.

You may now proceed with NO qualms about what is in your best interest.

Sorry for her continued abuse.

I would file for D and prepare for Plan B.

Remove yourself from her abuse.

I filed for D back in Feb when I found out so only 30 days until it is final.

I'm out of town for the weekend with the kids and said she has until I return to get her s_ out of the house. Just need the strength to get to the finish line.

I cannot speak or even look at her. I have so much venom inside but trying not to lose control as this emotional roller coaster is terrible!

OMW called me as well yesterday to tell me she found out on her own and wanted me to know. I've been hurt enough and need to leave with some respect for myself.

We are in similar situations.
My wife promised nc. Then broke it on Christmas eve. When I confronted her she lied and said I was paranoid ( she did not know that I was in communication with OMW. )

My divorce will be final by the end of the month.
At this point I think you should focus on custody and not on your wife's downward spiral.
Are you fighting for custody? Or do you want your kids raised by another man?

Didn't you expose her affair? How had OMW had to find out on her own?

Please go forward with tough counsel. Sometimes this is the only way to make waywards take responsibility.

I strongly urge you to get an IM so you don't have to communicate with your WW and she continues her abuse
Here.
How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples
Intermediary Training School
Parallel Parenting innPlan B

Hang in there, Melo. I'm 12 months in and divorce will be finalized in a matter of weeks. I hope you have a friends, family, and church community to draw support from.

Being around positive, supportive people will help. I've learned through this ordeal that the life we live rewards us in difficult times. It's a wonderful life...in spite of the devastating destruction of the wayward wrecking ball.

I agree with HDW. I hope that you've been assertive with your custody situation.

I will be going into full blown plan B when the divorce is finalized. This will help me tremendously with recovery. From everything you're saying, I recommend the same for you.

Its time for all of us to pick up the pieces and to start rebuilding something beautiful for our children and ourselves. Good luck, brother.

Still feeling like she's been totally honest with you?

She contacted him so they can get together for "closure" :::wink wink::: while you're gone. Do you have to leave? Can you cancel your trip abruptly and stay home?

Closure is, like everyone else is saying, BS!

You're out of town.

Closure + hubby out of town = ...well, MB got it.

I'm sorry.

Our agreement has been 50/50 through the divorce. I'm in a no fault state so my chances of primary custody is not good. I am however going to explore my options as I cannot have POSOM around my kids, he kicked my wife, threw something at her head, pulled a knife on her, and said it would be a shame if she went running and didn't come back. Trust me, I will fight for my kids but not sure what my chances are with this. I really hope it doesn't greatly delay the divorce as I don't know how I could get through a lengthy custody case, if that is even an option.


I did expose affair to most people, just didn't do the FaceBook exposure. OMW was my first contact and we had been in contact ever since. She's been tracking him and found out about this recent contact on her own and let me know.


You are right MB, I thought she was being honest with me so shame on me. We made good progress the last month since she "broke it off with him" but I can't be the only one fighting for a M. I was in heavy Plan B and it was helping me heal & recover, unfortunately I let her back in and now have to start it all over again.

She is texting me like crazy this weekend that she is going to write me a letter (since I won't talk to her) and tell me everything and all of the truth. She wants to move on with her life and the OM wants to be with his wife. I am back to not believing a word that comes out of her mouth. Unfortunately she won't move out so I made a huge error in judgement by letting her back in so now have to see what leagal action I can take, or likely suffer until the D is final.

Melo, I am sorry to hear of these latest developments. A couple of thoughts come to mind.

1. "closure" is a code word for "meet up and have sex." That is all that means. When one truly wants to "close" something they close it.

2. I would expose the affair to all of the OM's facebook friends. You should raise holy unmitigated hell in his life. His parents, family, collegues, should all know what kind of RAT he is. Doing this will hasten the death of the affair.

Even if you decide to divorce, everyone should know about the affair so you kill its future.

3. regarding your divorce. In some no-fault states, you still have an advantage when it comes to the custody and legal settlement when there has been adultery. I would check into that. You are going to have to light a fire under your attorney's [censored] to really fight for your interests. Most attorneys take the easiest way out so it is up to you to push him. I would most certainly have it put in your papers that the children are not exposed to that RAT. He is an unfit adult and your children are not safe around him.

If your wife does agree to stay in the marriage, I would make it a condition that she CEASE the individual counseling and get marriage counseling with MArriage Builders. IC is a big fat waste of time.

And whatever you do, don't trust your marriage to traditional marriage counselors. They are destructive to marriages and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage.

Sounds like wayward BS to me.

Have you talked with his wife?

Thank you ML, agreed on #1. My one regret is not doing FB to kill the affair back in Feb when I found out. I contacted OMW and sent out emails to family members but it came back as me looking crazy or vindictive which is my concern. I don't want to do anything out of vengeance and this guy seriously is the type to play games and get back at people, which I want no part of. Having a real hard time the need for exposure if I'm moving on with D. Also appreciate the advice on #3 as I will be calling attorney first thing tomorrow to keep POSOM away from my kids for as long as I can. I will fight this point until I am out of money.



I could not agree more. She had a "breakthrough" with her IC on Tuesday. On Thursday this lead to her breaking my NC rule, thanks! Apparently the IC told her the OM was meant to be in her life for a reason, wtf?

We had a conversation today and she indicated she still had feelings for him and was in love with him. I don't think that is possible after 5 months and being in an affair, but apparently her IC said of course that is possible.

I was on the MB radio program last week. Dr. Harley suggested Plan A still with putting deposits in her love bank. I'm so having a hard time with this after these recent developments.

Agreed, MB. I'm getting all kinds of BS from my WW after today's conversation. She thinks we need to move forward with D as too much damage is done and I deserve better. She told me OM and OMW were trying to work it out and she only contacted him for her own "closure, per her IC". Then I got a text from my WW about an hour ago that OMW and OM are now back on track to their D. What a coincidence? She reached out to him on Friday and now they are divorcing again.

I will speak to OMW tomorrow to see her situation. Part of me gets the feeling my WW is opening up and telling me more "truths" so I'll be nice and not fight this like I had been the past 5 months. I'm still not trusting what she is telling me about all of this and feel it is one big plan for them to start this A all over again.

Such a mind F_.