What did he tell her? How did he get it?

I would change it again AND Block his number.

Is this OM married?

Did you send the NC letter?

She can always get an order of protection against this guy. She's asked him not to contact her and he continues...

Very true.

I don't know how he got the number and she does not either; she did not give it to him. He does have a close friend at a cell phone company who could have given it to him; I don't know how to prove this though and when we had asked about this when we got the number changed last week, the guy said the guy could lose his job at the cell phone place. I don't have the time/energy to go down that path. She told me right after it happened and will tell me again if it does; we will then change and block it. There is a monthly fee to block it and don't want to change again a week after we just did it.

The conversation was more empty promises and trying to defend himself against things that transpired during their "break up". I can't even get into the details as it would take pages, but they've both lost friends over "he said, she said" and it is mentally too exhausting. She also questioned him on how he got the number and he stated he "has his sources". She repeatedly reminded him of the letter she sent asking for no contact and asked him to never contact her again; simply to leave her alone. Based upon her recent actions, I do feel she was honest with this and the guy just wants to have the last word (he responded about her letter). I reiterated to her that no contact means no contact and if he calls again, she is to ignore it and contact me immediately where we will go change the number.

Yes, as mentioned in my post, I have notified his wife. She is upset and will hopefully address on her end.

In regard to protection, there needs to be a threat made or a reason to justify....you can't get this unless there is harassment. One phone call doesn't constitute that, I looked into this before. However, if it happens again I am going to pursue other legal options.

So we had a long talk on Friday night and she gave me many more details and answered all of my questions. I don't know if its because I'm a guy or just obsessing over the sex part of it but she gave me the details that I asked. I thought it would be helpful to know everything so I could put it behind me and make sure she would be honest with me, but the past few days it is driving me nuts so wonder if it was a mistake. I find myself comparing and wondering why she wasn't like this with me and she admitted it was just sex and she didn't care about OM like she does with me. She admitted this was simply an escape and fantasy and not what she wanted once the reality of life set in; the sex wasn't even the driving force as she is not a sexual person.

She also told me about the pregnancy, which I know was very hard for her and a lot of emotion came out. As angry that I still am and don't know if I can get past this part alone, the healing is slowly starting.

It was easy to shut her out, pick up the pieces, and move on....but now that "she is back" I'm finding the emotions are a bit harder to handle. I'm torn between detaching which I can do easily to handle the pain and trying to not get too close to fast which is hard, as I don't want to fall back into the same routine and problems we both had with the marriage.

Then implement the MB program now so you don't have the old marriage. Have a better marriage.

Can you afford the coaching center? They can give you a plan to restore your marriage.

Melo12,

but the past few days it is driving me nuts so wonder if it was a mistake.

No not a mistake, I think in the long run you will be able to deal with it now as their is nothing left out, and you will not imagine wild sexual details which likely never happened. For example even 20+ years after my Ws affair, thoughts that she had a threesome with OMs GF and OM suddenly run through my mind.

You have also relieved your WW of the guilt of holding in all those lies, trickle truth spread out over years is painful too.

Perhaps most importantly you have made it possible for true recovery to occur.

I find myself comparing and wondering why she wasn't like this with me and she admitted it was just sex and she didn't care about OM like she does with me. She admitted this was simply an escape and fantasy and not what she wanted once the reality of life set in; the sex wasn't even the driving force as she is not a sexual person.

That's difficult to take, and reminds me of what my W claims about not being a sexual person, which at times seems to me to be saying that she is a sexual person but just not with me.

God Bless
Gamma

I concur with G.

Its a bitter pill to take knowing your wife was sexual with another dude. Even worse, in my case at least, was the begging and browbeating I had to do to get any from her during the long period of her affair.

She has taken pains to tell me my worst fears are just my imagination and she and I have done more than he and she ever did. (And, he had to beg for it too.) Small consolation and she knows that.

One of the things that has helped me is when I laid (echem) my list of things that will need to change, I not only listed more sex, but more, how shall I say it?, more extravagance while doing it. I explained to her that the old Ms. Chaste-me-begging-for-it-eye-on-the-clock-get-on-get-off-me will NOT ever describe our sex life. I didnt have to remind her that another man saw her naked and had her umpteem times and yada yada yada.

Anyway, you have gotten through an important part of the process and you are ready to move forward. I suggest a clear outlining of that which you will need from her in terms of security, compensation, and transparency. May I suggest you include some increased action in the boudoir as a method of improve your intimacy and closeness and a good way to start to remove the scar of the other guy?

Like you already know and probably the rest of the betrayed guys know, nothing stinks more than knowing about the sex she had without you. Unless you are leaving, which I dont think you are, than nothing is a remedy for this pain than tons of it WITH you.

Its not the basis of our marriage today, but making it a terrific part of our life has really helped in the last year plus. We have been emasculated by our wives and their actions, nothing turns that around quite a robust sex life with ones wife. Your wife knows that too.

Thanks Gamma & Mike, you both could not have said it any better. I hope I become less fixated on this over time. It was a major issue in our marriage, happened very infrequently, and I always had to beg for it. Knowing some other dude was getting it while I was left out in the cold is beyond emasculating. I guess this is more common than I thought, which is helpful for me as I've "dealt" with it for years. I began to resent her for it over time and stopped trying as I knew what the answer would be.

Hopefully in time I will be able to let these painful images go and it will be part of my plan if I am able to move forward, which I am trying to do. It has been ignored for a long time and she admits it has always been a problem for her; trying to get through to her that it makes me feel like the problem. I am starting to make my list of items that need attention, but think more detail needs to be included around this item.

One question, most all of my questions centered around details of the sexual part of the affair. I know since I'm a guy, I am obsessed with that piece, but want to make sure I don't have the blinders on to miss other key parts. Any suggestions on things I should be asking right now? She opened up on her own and told me what has been lacking in our marriage that she needs and wasn't looking for an affair, it was unfortunately a perfect storm and the opportunity presented itself. She is struggling with why she did it, can't explain it, and has major regrets for it. She continues individual counseling and I think we're months away from marital counseling to really get into details but want to be proactive since we are having good dialog.

Any suggestions on things I should be asking right now?

You need to discover the "entree" he utilized to get inside her defenses. What was the first thing he provided that made her decide to spend more time in his company? Conversation? Flattery? (His)Accomplishments? Recreational companionship? Once you know that, you'll be better able to devise your own plan to ensure she is not lacking in that area again.

Melo12,

Some quick questions,

1) Have their been other OM or OW?

2) How did your W feel about you sexually through the years? Was she repulsed by you, embarrassed by her own body image etc.

#2 is a question I have been trying to tease out of my W for some time. But unfortunately with my W I have to score direct hits to get answers.

3) Will she take a polygraph?

4) Who else knew about the affair and supported it or encouraged her, these people no longer have a place in your lives.

5) Was the OM in contact with your children.

6) What other lies has she told through the years, drug use, spending, giving money to others. Was she supporting OM.

7) Sexual detail, sorry, one that's bugging me, were orgasms easier and more numerous with OM?

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you G and I will consider adding to my list and already have some of the answers. How to I border on blasting her with questions all the time and letting them consume me versus having a balance? Meaning, we've had 3 good talks where she came clean but I don't want her to feel that every time we talk, I come up with 20 more questions. I don't want her shutting down.

#2 strikes me as she's told me that she's been embarrassed by her own body image; which pisses me off as she did things with him but yet couldn't with me. She responded that she didn't care about him, it was just sex. Something we'll need counseling on as she's supposed to trust me and be vulnerable that I'm not going to judge her body.
#7 I need to leave alone and I received details and is driving me crazy. I asked about the orgasms and got a yes, which I'm trying to play off as exciting, fantasy, etc. and for not my lacking in that area.

You sit down in one sessions and ask her everything you need. Be prepared to take a break every 30-45 minutes or so.

Once you get all your answers complete. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR AGAIN. Affair proof your marriage and call the coaching center to help you with a plan.

Please listen to these radio clips of a BH finding out his WW was having an affair the whole 10 years of their marriage.

Radio Clip on a 10 year affair during their marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thank you BrainHurts. I've received two copies of 'Surviving an Affair'; one for me and one for WW. I completely understand this is a long slow path to recovery but I feel right now that I'm the one doing all of the heavy lifting.

She admits that she is quiet because she has so much in her head that she doesn't know where to begin. I received most all answers to my questions about the A but with 2 little kids it is hard to have a 10 hour sit down session to get it all on the table and I think of a few more things that I want to know; so unfortunately we've had to have some follow up conversations so I can better understand everything. She has been open and honest but seems to be getting a bit annoyed and I feel the need to back off a bit. I am the kind of person who wants to work and fix things right now and know this isn't something that is going to happen over night. She is the kind of person who wants to let some time to heal pass. However, I don't want this ignored or swept under the rug.

I guess I am saying I could use advice on if it is ok to slow down and let some time pass for the both of us and let her approach me. She is going to individual counseling (as am I) and admits she wants this marriage to work. I just don't want to force everything down her throat and want her to fight more. My gut tells me she needs a little space to clear her head and I should back off a little.

Ok since my last post I've got an important request that I need help with. Unfortunately I also have to go into stealth mode as I fear the OM is monitoring this website which is quite sad. I'm here to get healthy advice as she wants her marriage back and he can't let go and focus on his own marriage.

She has agreed to NC and is shutting him down and not responding to any of his requests for continued contact. Thus far, she has told me when he reached out to her. I have strong reason to believe he is still trying to communicate with her, and while she is ignoring him completely (she told me he has mental problems), she hasn't told me about this recent communication he has tried to have. Do I confront her with this? I really feel she has been doing the right thing and while she is doing NC on her end, I feel she should be telling me any time he reaches out to her.

Pull the band off quickly rather than the painful slow pull.

Get your questions at the ready, get the kids with a sitter, and get all the stuff you still need to know out of the way.

Know this, there will always be unknowns and thats the nature of her crime.

I like to say that a remorseful, repentent cheating spouse is about as good it gets in the early going. Take this truism to heart and swallow the crap that is her cheating.

The sooner you do the above the sooner you can move on and let the anger, anxiety, and pain lessen. Some say 2 years is a good estimate of how long it will take before mentally you'll be back in the game. The clock doesnt start until you stop asking questions and begin to let her earn your forgivness.

1. How do you know he is trying to reach out to her if she didnt tell you?

2. You definitely tell her you know about this latest thing if she doesnt tell you.

3. You should consider a restraining order if you fear hes a mental case.

4. How does he know about this site?

5. If it were me, I grab my 275 pound brother and my kids brand new composite baseball bat and Id visit this guy to let him in no uncertain terms your wife is done with him. And the next visit will be less cordial.

Going through this I was all f'd up with emotions and paranoid finding out the truth and in disbelief. I had flashbacks of this when I found these emails. What a mess and this [censored] won't go away quietly.

1. I got into her email account and it was in her junk mail. She previously deleted him which is why it went to junk mail.

2. She had no idea of his contact so obviously didn't respond or was able to tell me since she didnt know; I've done my homework to confirm. Sorry to be vague. I shared the messages he sent for her to read on the spot.

3. That will take place tomorrow morning.

4. I sent her articles and vids to review and was in her inbox (which he got into - below).

5. Trust me - never mind, can't say what I want.

He somehow either hacked her email or got ahold of her password; she was never very good at having one that was too hard to crack. I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't living it. From her account, he created a bunch of emails and sent to his account and then replied from his account for her to leave him alone! It is beyond bizarre but I read them all and she doesn't talk that way, so you could tell it was him. Plus she is job searching and all of her stuff was gone from the inbox; and he deleted a bunch of pictures of our kids. It is beyond stressful and authorities will now get involved. Like I don't have enough [censored] going on!!

Instead of individual counseling can you call the coaching center?