Well I guess ML message got to me and I had an outburst this morning when she arrived home. The kids were still sleeping but I went off on how heartless and disrespectful she is being with carrying on this affair while we are still married and throwing it right in my face.

She first tried to start a fight but I wouldn't allow her to get off that easy. She broke down and started crying and said that was why she went back to him a second time, because I don't deserve any of this and deserve someone better. I know it is fog talk and it pisses me off that she lets herself off the hook by saying I'm worthy of someone better than her. I can't even comprehend the logic so told her I was done talking to her. She did recognize the exposure during the conversation saying that I was trying to destroy her (and POSOM) life and it was ok because they deserve it.

However, I can't do this anymore to myself. She knows how I feel and she can't even look at me or herself for that matter. She is running from her issues and I have to do what is now in my best interest. I don't know what else to do at this point but shut her out and try to focus on my mental well being.

Hey, hang in there. I have been following your thread and applaud you for your efforts !!! Some of these vets will weigh in shortly I'm sure, but just wanted to say congrats on your perseverance/determination.

Melo, her behavior is so flagrant and so cruel, which is why I wanted you to demand [politely] that she stop it. I am hoping that you can persuade her to stop this. I know it is hard, but if you have angry outbursts, she will probably do it more. Somehow you have to control yourself.

I would do everything in your power to move this situation forward. What is your attorney doing for you? Is he fighting for your rights or is he handing everything to your wife?

Agreed ML, but it is like banging my head against the wall as she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. I am sure the POSOM is in her ear telling her it is no big deal but I told her that she is acting heartless and is beyond disrespectful. She tries to explain it away with nonsense which is when I loose it as the behavior cannot be justified. I know screaming at her doesn't work, but when I calmly talk to her (telling not asking) she either feels that I'm trying to control her or tries to explain herself. It is maddening.

He is fighting, but I am not in a good situation. The main thing is to keep POSOM away from my kids. I am in a no fault state, she has no job, or place to live. She is moving out and finding a place on her own as we speak.

I'm not rolling over but don't have a whole lot that I can do, at least legally. I've talked about removing her, but with the D only 3 weeks out, he said the judge is unlikely to do this since she is unemployed; it is only going to rack up my bill.

Can you ask her to move out? Sometimes this will work with a wayward spouse if you are persistent but polite because she will be tempted to move away from the source of the conflict. It will also put pressure on the OM to take her in.

Ask her to move out now because carrying on her affair in front of you and the kids is too painful. It is disrespectful to you and the kids. It teaches the kids that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle. Asking her to stop being cruel is not "controlling."

Also, can your attorney get it put in your papers that the OM be kept away from the kids since he is an unfit adult? We have had this done in many states. Most attorneys at first say it can't be done, but anything that is agreed to can be done with a little negotiation.

Are you going to have to move out of your home and leave her there with the kids? How is this going to play out?

I have asked her several times to move out, while the D is being finalized. Both nicely and not so nice and she will not as she "just wants to raise our kids the best she can". Trust me, I've tried several times and can't convince her otherwise that she is being ridiculous. I will continue to push this and at the very least, create conflict that I will not stand for around my children.

I'm working on the OM angle with my attorney, yes. He is well aware and I'm lighting a fire under his butt to make this happen.

No, she is looking for condo's right now. We are planning on 50/50 custody and I hope to be able to afford to stay in the marital home. I have politely asked for her assistance in keeping me here, meaning if she will work with me on the finances to keep the kids in a stable environment.

Ask her how it looks to the kids for her to be carrying on her adultery from their own home? I would really pound this point home that it is profoundly disrespectful to you and your children for her to be flaunting her adultery. Does she want your kids to grow up to be little liars and cheaters?

Thank you ML, I will continue to do so. My concern is that she doesn't feel she is doing this or will justify that she's just leaving for sleepovers and the kids are not aware. I can talk until I am blue in the face that our 3 & 6 year old are absolutely aware of what is going on. I will continue to try.

Her father just emailed me and I will try to meet with him. I know he is getting partial truths from her but is aware of the affair. It is so very hard talking to them as he had 2 extramarital affairs and they've already met POSOM. It's not like they've welcomed him as part of the family but the fact that they aren't raging mad about this makes me feel like they are supporting her adultery. I think they are trying to be independent as they love me and obviously their grandchildren and just trying to be there for everyone without causing conflict. I don't even know what to say as I've approached both of them the entire time with no success.

Melo,
If your father in law is an adulterer himself he will side with your wife.
Remember wayward fog? He may still be in it! Do NOT expect wisdom or good decisions from a wayward!

What I did with my irrational wife ( who would flip me off, say f you while holding my 5 yr old, then 5 minutes later say she is sorry) .... Is emotionally detach myself from her.
You need to have the mindset that your wife is crazy and treat her as such.
Don't expect rational thinking.
Don't let her reel you into arguments.
When she starts arguing offer her a cup of juice.

"Would you like a glass of juice?" then walk away.

You are very right HDW and that is the only resolution I can see that would best fit my situation. I cannot reason with her as she justifies or comes up with an excuse for her poor behavior and decisions. It is best for myself to shut her out as that is the best way for me to deal with her right now. Otherwise, I feel I get sucked back in and she somehow convinces me that I'm the one who is speaking nonsense.

I know what I have to do for my own health and that is taking the high road and simply acting as if she doesn't exist right now so that I can get through this with my kids. I received one more comment from exposing and this person said she would reach out to POSOM, so we'll see. I feel I've done what I can and need to protect my emotions now.

I will have a conversation with her father though, if nothing else to expose the truth on what is going on. I know he won't take a stand for M but he's at least going to hear the facts of the situation, not WW spin.

Just a brief update on the exposure. I spoke with a neighbor of POSOM and he reached out to them to tell them what I had done and defended himself. He's sticking with his story that he and my WW needed "closure" which is why they are now just friends and he's trying to work things out with his wife. People will believe what they want but so glad I exposed this rat. I'm up to about 5 people that have responded to me with support, so I know the message is out there since he's feeling the heat to defend himself.

I can't get upset over it but WW parents are siding with their daughter. I guess logic would assume that of course they would, but it angers me that anyone would support this. I'm sure they are getting a filtered truth of what is going on and having a hard time with that part. If people know the truth and want to side with them that is one (sad) thing, but I hate it that people are brainwashed into believing their little story even after exposure.

Sorry for the rant, but doing better today and hope the fallout continues!

Have you spoken to her parents PERSONALLY? Or are they getting spin from her? I would ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. If you ask for help, they are often more willing to give it.

I have tried this, numerous times the past 4 months and it goes no place. I've gotten comments from, "we have no control over her", "can you legally do something", "we just want to help support the grand kids as best we can". I reached back out to them immediately after I discovered my WW broke NC and told them about the safety of their grandchildren as this POSOM is a threat and I'm doing what I can to legally block him. They said they'd have a talk with WW but know that they are getting her spin and are to the point now that they likely don't know what to believe and just want to support all involved.

I sent her father a detailed email yesterday and asked him for a meeting. He is a former wayward so I may be wasting my breath/time with trying to convince him of anything. He made a comment in his email that "attacking their daughter" isn't good for the kids. I was pissed and said I'm sorry you feel that way, but here's a few examples of what she is doing....I just don't know if I can get through to them as all of my past efforts felt like they went on deaf ears.

gotcha! I agree you have done everything you can there. I wasn't sure if you had spoken to them personally and it sounds like you have done everything possible in that arena.

I am very encouraged that the POSOM is having to do damage control over his affair. That is awesome!

Melo12,

He is a former wayward so I may be wasting my breath/time with trying to convince him of anything. He made a comment in his email that "attacking their daughter" isn't good for the kids.

Sorta like telling a drunk at his well stocked personal bar in the basement of his house, why you are trying to keep his daughter away from bars and keep liquor out of your house. But that does not matter it is more important that your WW knows that he knows, she now bears the burden of your FILs disappointment with himself.

Please ask FIL how he feels about what OM was doing to his Grandchildren. If you feel really up to it ask him how he felt about the devastation he brought upon the families of his OWs.

I agree with Melody you've done everything you can, you've re-established your integrity.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you G, I do feel better about everything and exposing. If people want to continue to support or be their friend after this, I can't worry about it. I've done my part to get the truth out there and they can believe the lies if they want.

I've already planted to seed to him about POSOM and protecting his grandchildren, just did not want to get into details over email. If he takes a meeting, you can be sure that all will be told. He can believe what he wants or confront WW who will no doubt protect and lie for her POSOM.

I've told them enough for them to decide what they choose to believe. He, along with WW have to carry the affair burden the rest of their lives. I'm just trying to set an example for my children that it is NOT acceptable.

Melo,
What about OM is dangerous to the kids?

Well morally & ethically everything, but the law won't prevent that. However, he called and threatened me so I filed a police report on him. My WW filed a police report on him as well as he was harassing her through texts, emails, and phone calls. My WW told me he kicked her, threw a table tray at her head, and got a kitchen knife and waved it in front of her. Now that she's back with him, she's telling me that she lied about those things; so she's now protecting him.

No way am I going to allow this guy around my kids, ever.

So POSOM filed a police report against me for the exposure! I have no idea what this will mean nor do I care at this point if I incur more legal fees, but but a call into my attorney to see what or if I need to do anything. I assume this will be some form of harassment, but thought I'd see if anyone got hit with this before.

Part of me hopes it goes further down the road so I can bring all of my evidence (sex pics, texts, etc.) and show what kind of business man this guy is in his community.