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Damage control? What does she mean by that? Contacting them and spinning the story? I would ask what she means by that specifically.

Melo, you had every right to expose to the OM's contacts since he has destroyed your family. You didn't need the OMW's permission for that. I would just tell her you are sorry but you have a right to defend yourself and your children from the OM's assault. All of the OM's contacts should know what kind of man he is so they can protect their families too. You have no obligation to help him hide his nefarious activities. If he is embarrassed, then good, he should be embarrassed.

And yes, exposure has worked. It has got around and the OM was placed in a position to defend himself. It is just sad that the OMW is playing the enabler.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm not sure what she means by damage control but only indicitatd that she is embarrassed by having such a private matter out for people to gossip about. Also, that many of his contacts were actually her friends and already knew what was going on.

For now, I'm thinking I simply ignore OMW as she either doesn't get it or just wants to be left out of this to heal. Unless you all think I need to continue dialog with her for any reason. I no longer need proof or anything else and continued contact with her only brings me pain.

I hope it is quality vs quantity in exposure as there were only 50 contacts on both sides that this went to. We will see the fallout but hate this guilt I feel for only trying to protect my family. I will apologize for the pain it caused her but not for doing it as their actions have consequences that everyone has to live with.



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I know it is hard to see her feeling hurt, but be assured that her embarrassment is very misplaced. She has done nothing wrong. Her reaction tells me that she has tried to keep this a big secret, which has only made the problem worse.

You did good in exposing it, Melo!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melo
When I exposed I got a nasty email from OMW.
Just ignore it.
You can't be concerned with her issues.
You are trying to save your marriage. Not hers

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Exposure has worked. Sad for OMW. Reply to WW with a simple question, What lie did I tell? and follow it up, with, " OM is so wonderful that you allowed him to destroy our family, I'm just helping to spread the wonderful news". GF


Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)
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Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It helps to hear that you went through similar experiences and what I can expect. I'm a nice person but can't save her marriage and explain my every move.

I will let this sit today and see about responding tomorrow.

ML - I think you are right, she is still protecting OM and I know he is VERY controlling and private so he's likely pushing her to find out who I sent this to so he can put his spin on it first.



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So WW took off right when I got home and will be having a sleep over. She nor I said a word to one another so I just spent a nice relaxing evening with the kids. I am sure they are together coming up with a plan or just venting on how terrible of a person I am for exposing them.

When she moved out the first time I couldn't be around her and all conversations were fights and nasty. We haven't spoken in a week since she broke NC. Only communicate on the kids schedule via email. I can't be around her and it is best right now, as I would go off in anger as would she.

What can I expect now? I'm not sure if the fallout will take a week, a month, or longer. I really don't see communication taking place at all as we head for D.



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What are the living arrangements right now? Have you considered going into Plan B?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She moved back in 1 month ago after she called it off with POSOM. I made the biggest mistake allowing it as he was stalking her and I thought I could protect her and try to R with her. Now I'm stuck and my attorney said a judge will likely not remove her with no job or place to live.

She is "job and house hunting" now and divorce will be final in about a month.



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How can you get her out if the divorce is almost final?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I can't get her out . Just trying to make it manageable for the kids right now.




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Originally Posted by Melo12
I can't get her out . Just trying to make it manageable for the kids right now.

So what is your plan to separate from her? Who gets the house?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Would she move out if you asked her?



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have asked her and she will not move out now.

She was willing to "work out a deal" so I could keep the house. I have no idea if she would have honored this but am sure my exposure will have her unwilling to deal on anything. It will likely be sold as I can't afford it along with child support.

Separating from her is not too challenging as we are not speaking anyway. We have separate bank accounts and our attorneys will handle all the details. We really only communicate via email on a schedule for the kids until something is formally put in place with the D.



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Originally Posted by Melo12
So WW took off right when I got home and will be having a sleep over. She nor I said a word to one another so I just spent a nice relaxing evening with the kids. I am sure they are together coming up with a plan or just venting on how terrible of a person I am for exposing them.

When she moved out the first time I couldn't be around her and all conversations were fights and nasty. We haven't spoken in a week since she broke NC. Only communicate on the kids schedule via email. I can't be around her and it is best right now, as I would go off in anger as would she.

What can I expect now? I'm not sure if the fallout will take a week, a month, or longer. I really don't see communication taking place at all as we head for D.

Melo, from experience it's best not to expect anything, know that exposure will have an impact on the A as the truth has been exposed and this makes AP uncomfortable. They can no longer hide behind the story they have spun. By exposing you have made a stand for your marriage, please don't feel guilty about that. It is a shame OMW has misguided ideas about protecting her marriage, but you cannot stop fighting for yours b/c it causes her embarrassment. Hopefully one day she will come to realise she is enabling the A.

I exposed 2mths ago and to date only received responses from WH & OW which indicated exposure was a direct hit. I was disheartened that I hadn't received any other responses and wonderered why no one was willing to hold him accountable. A week ago WH lawyer sent a letter, one of the matters raised was my exposure. Obviously the impact had been greater than I thought.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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Thank you happyfuture66, that was how I was feeling over the weekend - that I wasn't receiving many responses/support, mainly from WW side. I guess I shouldn't complain as I did get 2 responses from WW friends that they are praying for us and 1 from OM neighbor that if the opportunity presented itself that she would say something.

I just wasn't sure what to expect or if there was a timeline for if/when this would blow up the affair. However, I realize I need to start protecting my own emotions now and spend time with the kids; I've done all I can to end this affair and can't keep letting it consume my every thought.




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No expectations, but please know, as Dr. Harley states, that the very act of bringing light to the affair, shedding its secrecy, exposing it, is THE act that WILL kill the affair, sometimes immediately.

And, if not immediately...and you feel like "nothing's happened"...know that this is the beginning of the end for this sordid mess.

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Melo12,

Good work, the affair is dead, you've enlisted many more eyes to watch, OM might never have another affair.

Should your marriage end, you have a powerful story to tell your next partner, I think it will scare away philandering women.

1 from OM neighbor that if the opportunity presented itself that she would say something.

Even one contact will throw OM into paranoid mode and drain the affair love bank. Increase his paranoia by not letting on who knows, you know only one person replied but OM does not. He will become unsure of himself in his personal relations and assume everyone knows and is secretly judging him.

This scandal is of OMs own doing, he deserved privacy no more than Bernard Madoff did.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Even one contact will throw OM into paranoid mode and drain the affair love bank. Increase his paranoia by not letting on who knows, you know only one person replied but OM does not. He will become unsure of himself in his personal relations and assume everyone knows and is secretly judging him.

That is an excellent point Gamma, thank you! I was thinking this exact same thing when OMW contacted me to ask who I sent this to....it had me thinking that she was still protecting him as he "forced her" to find out how many people I told. He is so secretive and cares so much about his neighbors opinions that I am sure he is freaking out trying to see who is talking about him. I appreciate you making this point as it confirms what I was thinking.

I sent a response to OMW that I apologize for her being hurt, but not for what I had done and she has nothing to be embarrassed about as we are both victims. I also told her I had someone respond in support of them ending the affair so I hope she shares that with POSOM! She may never speak to me again but I quoted Dr. Harley on the reasoning behind my actions.



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I received this email from OMW friend - I will just ignore as I can't convince them otherwise; nor do I need to.

I sympathize with your situation. You have a broken heart and are dealing with a huge betrayal. But to contact me is inappropriate. You did not get my address in a forthcoming way, i.e. through the only common contact we have, which is shady. And let�s be honest about what this letter/picture was intended for; public shaming of WW and POSOM. Which as a scorned husband, is your prerogative.

But to honestly think that a) I have any influence over POSOM actions or decisions or b) that sending this out to strangers is conducive to repairing damage with WW, is foolish. I am here to be supportive of OMW decisions ONLY, because I am her friend. Otherwise, these matters of marriage are private between the respective parties. I�m sure for the sake of the children, you are willing to sacrifice some pride and fight for your marriage, but the bottom truth is that WW WANTS POSOM. And POSOM, in his selfishness, wants WW�FOR NOW.

You are spitting into the wind trying to force her to return to being a loving wife to you. But this is your path of decisions. I have been praying for God�s hand in this mess since I found out about it, but that will be the extent of my involvement. I am sending this through OMW, because I do not need a reply, I just wanted to be able to comment since you chose to involve me. Please do not contact me again.



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