Brainhurts,

Thanks so much for responding. I appreciate the time you take to read and reply. Yes, I did tell me two older kids about it. They saw the SAA book and already knew something was up. My younger ones are only 1 and 2 years old, so they don't understand what's going on. About the sessions with SH, yes I have thought about it and would be willing to spend the money, but the problem is my husband can't express himself perfectly in English and would need an interpreter. I was lucky enough to find HSHN in Spanish, which he is reading a little at a time, but he is reading it. I also translate some of Dr. H's articles for him.

My biggest request from him right now is RH and UA. He works two jobs so we don't get to spend much time together. I am looking forward for his last day of work at his second job. It's two weeks away! We have talk about and started enforcing the POJA which has also helped.

About this second OW, on today's recordings. I did notice that he hardly talked to her. Only a couple of time related to work. I hope he got it clear in his mind that I am serious about him not messing this up again because I am not putting up with it.

Have your two oldest said anything to their dad about it?

You really need to have 20+ hours of UA time. Will you be able to accomplish this? Your oldest can babysit?

Yes until he leaves the job, it's going to be difficult on you. When did you tell him that you would like his list of EP?

What are his top EN? You sound like you're doing very well and no anger? You sound very strong and a woman with a plan.

Happyheart,

I am sorry I haven't been able to reply yo your last post. Sometimes it's hard for me to log on while at work.

"Have your two oldest said anything to their dad about it?"
My two oldest are my husband's step children and their were very upset, especially my 17 year old. They didn't say anything to him, but they are not speaking to him as much.

"You really need to have 20+ hours of UA time. Will you be able to accomplish this? Your oldest can babysit?"
The problem right now is that my husband has two jobs until he quits the night job which is where he had the affair. I am looking forward to that day, BUT I am also really scared about how we are going to manage without his extra income. I really need you all to knock some sense into me about this. I hate when my husband goes to work because I know he sees the OW and other female friends there and the atmosphere there is just too "friendly" amongst everyone there. Too much flirting and joking around between a lot of people, not just my husband. Although, I must admit that my husband and the OW seem to have stopped all interaction with each other. They only speak to each other when it's absolutely necessary at work. (have been verifying this through recordings). He has also stopped talking to female co-workers, especially the one that was pursuing him. This does not mean I trust him, but I keep thinking what is going to happen if he doesn't get another part-time job soon. He is still supporting his daughter in Mexico. She is in college and my husband has agreed to keep supporting her until she graduates. I know he needs to quit his job and if we are going to save our marriage, but I am just scared of our financial future.

"When did you tell him that you would like his list of EP?

What are his top EN?"

He still has not given me his list of EP. I know he is making changes, but has not spelled them out in writing. He also has not discussed his EN. Although he seems to want to work the program, he has not put enough effort in reading the book or articles I translate and print for him since he doesn't read English very well. I know it's hard with the two jobs right now. He works 16 hours a day between his two jobs and doesn't have time to get more than 5 hours of sleep everyday, so taking time to read a book is very hard.

I know his long work schedule is what contributed to this affair. We are just not spending enough time together, I work full time also, and with two toddlers and two teenage boys, we need to work harder to find the time. After the exposure, relatives have offered to babysit so we can have some time together.

You will continue to be in limbo until he quits that job, April 20th correct?

Did you ever contact OW #2's BH?

When is he going to give you his EP? I know he's working two jobs but you need that UA time.

He also needs to have boundaries around women. Why don't you email the radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com?

Hello everyone,

I have a hard time posting here because I have to do it when I am at work. Just a little update... I did call OW #2's husband and had to leave a message because he didn't answer my calls. I explained to him my concerns about the "friendship" between his wife and my husband and her apparent pursuit on my husband. This was a few days ago. I don't think he took it seriously or at least he didn't call me back. I didn't hear about any reaction on his part or on OW#2' part until Sunday. I had spoken to her on April 4th and demanded that she end her relationship with my husband. I also send her a private message through facebook which included a copy of the message I sent out exposing my husband's affair with the OW. (All three of them are co-workers) Apparently she had not seen the facebook message send almost two weeks ago until Sunday. She called me, but I didn't answer because I didn't recognize her number, so she left me a voice message threatening me to call the police because I was harassing her!! She seems to think that the private message I sent her about her relationship with my husband was something I posted publicly on facebook. I don't thing she is too familiar with facebook because she hardly uses it. Anyway, I got soooo angry that she had the nerve to call me and threaten me that I couldn't help it and called her back! I didn't give her a chance to say much but I told her to go ahead and call the police if she felt the need to. She told me I had also harassed the "poor" OW and that she was not going to put up with it like she did. I told her that I had nothing else to talk to her about and that she could go ahead and do what she needed to do but not to call me ever again.

I immediately text my husband to let him know what had happened and that I was so furious about it. I can't wait for Friday to get hear already. It is my husband's last day at that job. I wanted to go off on her and give her a piece of my mind, but I knew there was no point.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Friday is only a few days away and then there will be true NC.

Can you keep trying to call BH of OW#2? She may have intercepted your message and he still may not know.

Have you been able to get anymore UA time? That will be another must when he quits this job. Just two more days.

The anger is natural. We have BS on these boards that still work with their affair partners. Can you imagine trying to recover with him still working with OW?

Not that would be crazy.

Hello everyone. Almost two months have passed since my last post and not much has changed in my marriage. My husband "quit" his job on April 20, but he is still on the payroll on a "on call" status. Which means he is still considered an employee and must work at least 1 day in a 20 week period. We both agreed to this just in case he couldn't find a job anywhere else and he later decided to just ask for a transfer to another hotel in the same chain. He has not looked for another job because we decided it would be good if we spent some time together. He currently has just one job during the day. We have a two week vacation coming up at the end of the month, and he will start looking for another job after that.

I say not much has changed in our marriage and I feel very frustrated and unhappy because we still have all these issues going on:

- WH still won't put much effort into recovery. He doesn't read English very well and that makes it hard to learn MB principles. We do have the book HNHR in Spanish, but he has hardly touched the book at all. I spend a lot of time translating Dr. Harley's articles so he can read them, but most of the time he just reads the first page and never finishes any of them.

-WH still has not written out his list of EP. I've continued snooping, and he occasionally continues to joke around with his female co-workers in a sexual nature.

- We have tried scheduling at least 20 hrs of UA, but so far have not even come close to even half of that. Hiring a sitter is hard since I am the one paying most of the house expenses because my husband uses most of his income to send to his 18 year old daughter in Mexico.

- The biggest problem has been with meeting his need for SF. I have absolutely no desire to be sexually intimate with him. I feel so much resentment towards him that it is showing in all aspects of our marriage, especially in SF. I cringe when he touches me. Most of the time I just do it to get it over with, but I am not enjoying it at all.

- I have always known that my husband watches a lot of porn, but now I see that it is actually an addiction. I installed a key-logger on our computer and I see that he watches porn almost everyday before and after work. I talked to him about it, but he says he does it because I don't want to have sex with him as often as he wants, but this has been an issue for years now.

- My husband is a conflict avoider. He never tells me exactly how he feels or what he really thinks about anything to avoid conflict. This makes conflict resolution very hard because I complain about something and when I sit down with him to talk about it, he just sits there and doesn't really say much. He will often just tell me what I want to hear, but he doesn't follow through on what he says.

My husband is great with my kids, and I see that he tries to do the best to get along, but he just doesn't seem motivated to learn MB principles. I know that my refusing to have sex with him is making this worst, but I just don't know what to do to feel different about it. I feel so much anger that I don't want him to touch me.

Please help me to see things more clearly. Where do I go from here?

Your WH has poor boundaries around women.

If he will not get on board you may need to prepare for Plan B.

Can he get a job where you work?

Can you afford the coaching center?

At least email the Harleys? Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

BH,

Thanks for replying. As always, I knew I could count on you to read my post. Sometimes I wonder if I might have said something bad before that caused my thread to be disregarded by the other vets. Anyway, thanks Brainhurts. I know you are a vet and I have seen all the help you provide to a lot of posters. I really appreciate your help.

Back to your questions. Yes my husband definitely has poor boundaries with women. He claims that he is just easy going and people take it the wrong way. (yeah right) I have given this a lot of thought and I agree with you. If he doesn't get on board right away, I have to prepare for Plan B. I know I have been done my part, but I can't do this alone.

About him working where I work, we have thought about that, but I know it would be worse, because the only available positions are as delivery driver. This would require him to be out all day at different store making deliveries and he would have more opportunity to meet other women. It would be harder to snoop on him.

We could afford a couple of sessions with the coaching center if we make some sacrifices in other things, but the problem is that my husband would not be able to express himself fully in English.

I will email the Harley's again with my questions.

Thanks again Brainhurts.

Don't take it personal my friend.

I don't know if you've noticed but we've had a huge flood of betrayed spouses and a few trouble makers that have kept the vets very busy.

I think you also need to prepare for Plan B and will probably hear that from Dr. H. Please email him ASAP. I know finances are tough but if you can swing the coaching and just let them know you would need a translator. Steve is excellent with getting reluctant husbands on board.

If he was a delivery driver where you work you could put the VAR on him and a GPS. If he can't learn to have boundaries he will slip aagain. Dr. Harley says everything will need to change that allowed the affairs in the first place.

In my stitch my WH has a job with me at the same company on same shift. We share a phone, email and facebook. Everything that allowed the affairs we have taken EPs.

What did he say to you when you confronted him on the inappropriate conversation with the women?

I didn't know we could get a translator. That would be great if that is the case.


I didn't confront him about this because he would know what snooping method I am using.

Still write the email to Dr. Harley.

Did you see this post from a BW on coaching with Steve and she has a WH.

Thanks Brainhurts. I am emailing Dr. Harley today to see if a translator would be available. I have read a lot on here and have seen that the coaching center really works.

I also had a talk with my husband two days ago and explained my feelings to him and how he needs to come on board with me or our recovery will be impossible, and yesterday he filled out some of the questionaires and even read two chapters of HNHN book. I wish SSA and Love Busters were available in Spanish. I've read all three books and have explained the basic concepts to my WH, and he agrees with everything, but it's just hard to get him to actually follow what he learns.

We did make a little progress during our talk. He was able to open up a little bit (this has always been hard for him to do) and he explained how he feel about some things and what he would like me to work on on my side. Some of the things he mentioned I wasn't aware they were a problem. I am glad he was able to express himself.

I will definitely look into setting up coaching sessions with the Harley's and hopefully they will be able to help my husband with the language barrier.

Thanks a lot Brainhurts.

So glad my post helped. We are really improving now that we have had a few sessions with Steve. My husband is exposing his own affair to his employees and he is finally sending a true no contact letter to OW and ending this thing for good. This is all solely because of this forum and Steve.

I hope that you can also get the same results! I am confident you can!

Hang in there,

TinT,

Thanks you give me hope that everything will turnout ok. I feel confident that my WH has no further contact with OW#1 or OW#2, but I still don't feel confident that he knows how to prevent another affair by setting good strong boundaries. He seems very remorseful and he realizes how much damage he has caused, but I think he wants me to just forgive and forget without all the necessary work.

Boundaries is exactly what Steve is working on with him now. Before the sessions he continued to blame me not meeting his EN for the affair. Steve has finally helped him understand that his lack of boundaries are the cause and his assignment this time is to give Steve and plan of what he is doing to keep this from happening ever again. Steve is going to look at the plan and adjust it as needed and work with my H before my H will present it to me. I'm feeling safer and safer each day.

My husband actually told me about a month ago, "I want the six pack (abs), without doing the work.". Meaning he wants it to be better without changes. Now he knows HE was the problem and he's transforming into the man I always wished he could be.

I wish the same for you.

TinT,
That is exactly what we need! So, are you doing the coaching sessions or the online program?

We both read His Needs, Her Needs, and then Love Busters, and then Surviving an Affair. Steve is our coach and it is a customized plan based on our situation.

So you are paying per session with Steve Harley?

Yes they're in coaching with Steve Harley through the MB coaching center.

Did you email the show with your question yet?