Aaaaaand I think I'm done for the day. Dropping rudeness all over the place and I'm not even aware of it. What the hell is wrong with me?

Is there a point where I should take myself away from AI in order to let her have a breather? Should I stay on her and risk the stupidity I'm continually inflicting on her? What?

How about staying with her AND stopping the stupidity?

I had a feeling...

Okay.

Yes??

Feelings follow actions.

I'm sorry that I didn't answer this question, Brain.

I just listened to the audio clip you provided. It's quite a tall order, as Harley says, but doesn't seem unreasonable. I sat and took notes while he was talking. I will continue research and commit to my relationship.

I know. I'm going through this thread one post at a time, taking notes and doing everything that y'all have told me to do. I'm also seeing me acting like a total a$$. This is highly embarrassing.

More to come.

As long as you learn from your embarrassment and act upon it you won't lose, my friend.

Have you seen Dr. Harley's new article?
How To Negotiate When You're An Emotional Person

Hey Brain. Again, thank you for the link. I've just listened to this and took 3 pages of notes. I will discuss with AI as to whether or not we will tell our eldest daughter.

Thank you for all of the links you have provided. These radio clips are pretty intense.

Hey Marcos,

On my first or second day, you said the above. I'm rereading my entire thread and taking note. I just wanted to throw something at you that just occurred to me. AI has agreed with my summary of the following:

When I rant and rave at her, what I'm doing is twofold. I'm having an Angry Outburst, and I'm exercising Disrespectful Judgements. I "thought" I was just trying to tell her what I feel, but what I was doing was manipulating her and trying to take the responsibility of her pain off me by making her assuage my guilt and depression.

I was manipulating her as I have always been.
It makes me feel both happy and sick to come to this conclusion. But it's about bloody time.

So my first order of business is to learn to destroy my AO's, and then kill my DJ's, at the same time as fulfilling her EN's (if she will let me or not), and making this relationship a safe place to be.

I have to choose between myself and my family/marriage.

I choose my family and marriage.

I'm about to go print off the 29 pages of columns on infidelity like you told me to. And I will watch the video of Harley speaking about Infidelity again.

Thank you for kicking my a$$... again.

AI has asked that we go to bed, and I have respectfully asked her to let me print off these articles first. She has agreed, though she doesn't think we have enough printer ink. IF that is the case, I will convert them to PDF and put them on my iPhone. Actually, I'll do that as well, regardless of the ink sitch.

Marcos,

When you said read 29 pages of columns, did you mean Surviving Infidelity 1-3, or more than that? Did you actually mean for me to read ALL of the articles on the linked page?

I think that's what I'll do.

To read all the Q&A that are on the side(29 articles) of this Steps to Recover From An Affair

Got it.

Now that you have started taking positive MB steps, are you finding that you are less disposed to indulge yourself with depressive thoughts?

You are on an Odyssey, Homer, a long and eventful and adventurous journey.

Building a new marriage from the ruins will take years. Courage. Fortitude.

Keep a close eye on your attitude. Bad habits will try to sneak back in. When you feel yourself slipping, remember to H.A.L.T.
Check if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

Keep posting.

Pepperband,

That was, bar none, the BEST advice I've EVER heard regarding checking myself. Thank you! Wow!

And yes, it's so much easier to be positive right now. I really can't wait until the next time I can show AI that I'm here for her.

Progress, not perfection.

Technical question. Would the past month or so basically equate to a second false recovery? Like, is this day one of recovery attempt #3?

Forgive me, I've been busy and have not kept up.
Has there been any contact of any variety with any OW?
Have you lied this past month?
Have you hidden the truth this past month?

A false recovery means the affair never ended, and/or only took a temporary reprieve.

I've just added almost all q&a articles to the reading list on my iPhone. I'm going to print out the articles about AO's and 6 articles about Abusive Marriage. It makes me really effing sad to realize that I'm a spousal abuser. Really sad.

I'm going to fix this. I have to. I want to.

No. There's been absolutely NO contact with anyone at all, really. I've made myself completely disappear from the lives of everyone save for a few close friends - all of whom are male.

I have lied and I have held back, but I think they were things that I used in my manipulation tactics to lessen my guilt and responsibility to AI and her pain. They obviously count, though.

We've been married 31 years. I used to be abusive with my IB and DJs.
All of us came to this place because we needed to learn how to behave differently.

The positive outcome after infidelity can be a happy/loving marriage where both spouses care so deeply for each other it actually hurts.

You are allowed just 5 minutes of sad. Then, you must find ways to move the sadness with positive actions. Try not to get so bogged with regrets you only look in the rear view mirror. OK, Miss Daisy?