ITA with you Mrs Recon.

I was hoping to see some acknowledgement that what he did to his BW with the "she is crossing a line by bringing up an upsetting event" incident was really GASLIGHTING.

I was hoping to see some acknowledgement that his anger is a tool used to get his BW to back off when he is protecting his secret second life.

I was hoping to see some acknowledgement that it is going to take some hard work to become radically honest.

I was hoping to see some mention of the fact that a POLY is necessary, cannot be placed on a back burner and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get the one scheduled and done so that his BW can have some comfort that there are no more secrets.

Not impressed at all.

I need to get out of myself and my head and reach AI on her level of pain. I have massive feelings of remorse in me, but they're just not effing showing up on the goddamned outside.

What the hell can I do to make this happen?

I'm so used to keeping stone-faced and calm during tragic and terrible situations. **edit**

rightthing,

I'm only getting a few minutes here and haven't been able to completely follow everything, but a couple of things that stick out to me:

* You have no hope unless you come clean about everything. I'm gathering that more details are trickling out. Each time this happens, it's like the offense happens ALL OVER AGAIN to your wife, so get it all out ONCE and for all, without hiding anything. Schedule a polygraph to back up what you are saying. Move openness and honesty up above overcoming anger in your list of goals.
* Quit threatening to leave the forum or complaining that posting is useless. We may be the best bet you have. If you don't like something somebody is saying, SHUT UP about it and put them on ignore. You have more important things to do in life right now than straighten out strangers on the internet, agree? Besides -- the truth is, often it is the things people say to us that we don't want to hear that are the most important things we need to hear.
* You are very, very fortunate to have Pepperband posting to you. Rarely has Pep posted to me directly, but her words of wisdom on this site for over a decade have been extremely useful to me as I've been through them. If you want to grow up, listen to Pepperband. Don't fight with her, not only will the rest of us be upset, but you'll be shooting yourself in the foot by getting rid of some of the best help you could possibly have.
* I see Greenmile was mentioned on your thread; I got a lot out of reading Greenmile's posting history, and you might as well. But don't let it take precedence over reading Dr. Harley's articles.

I think you might want to reread that before you jump to too many conclusions. That was me admitting that I do it.

Actually, no.

All you need to do right now is tell your wife the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Take and pass a polygraph.

Once you have told your wife the whole truth, you will stop blaming her.

Trust me.

BV

It doesn't matter rightthing. If you read Dr. Harley's plan for surviving infidelity, you won't see a "show remorse" step.

You're falling into a trap in your thinking. It's a very common trap I've seen a lot of people fall into. It's the trap of thinking that if your wife just knew how you felt, if she knew how sincere your remorse was and how deeply you regret your misdeeds, everything would be okay.

Actually the truth is that that wouldn't help anything. What your wife needs is for you to TELL THE TRUTH, PROTECT HER (quit love busting her), SPEND TIME WITH HER, and make amends for your past by giving her a marriage that is fantastic for both of you.

In other words, it doesn't matter how loudly or sincerely you say "I'm sorry." You have to actually do something about it. As usual, the rule is that talk is cheap, your words mean nothing, and actions are what matter.

So, spill the whole truth, and follow the plan. Emoting about your sorrow is just another manipulative tool. Lay it down and pick up the tools that will actually help.

Here's the four rules to follow to recover your marriage. You'll notice that honesty is mandatory:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

I'm done. I don't even know what to say. I give up.
I'm broken.

I've politely requested that AI give me a list of everything she wants me to do, tonight. I will agree and comply with all of them.

Anything is better than this.

I heard BS's are supposedly heroes...

Thank you.

Is it a bad thing that what Pepperband said about me being a poor risk for recovery just got my a$$ out of my chair and back into the books/thread linkage? I SO want to prove you wrong. I want to prove you wrong by making AI explode with love.

Whatever. I'm going to go make this **EDIT** woman proud.
See you later.

Updated list of EPs.
I've agreed to all of them.
Unconditionally.

- TRT will transfer the car/van to AI�s name or to joint ownership
- TRT and AI will research the possibility of a post-nuptial agreement or marital contract protecting AI�s financial future
- AI will create a personal bank account that TRT has no access to (pending completion and passing of poly)
- TRT will COMPLETELY adhere to EPs set out by both himself and AI
- TRT will look into and install key-loggers/content controls on all computers and internet accessible machines
- TRT returning to old job, even with location change (secondment), NOT AN OPTION
- TRT will not commit any more lovebusting or manipulation. AI will exercise zero tolerance and reserves the right to walk away at her discretion.
- TRT will commit to COMPLETE honesty about all emotional and physical infidelity being given, in detail, however small
- A polygraph will be taken, by TRT, to ensure total honesty. �If TRT�s story is found to be false (ie: fails polygraph test), the marriage will be dissolved
- No porn
- No nights apart
- Facebook, twitter and other social media will not be reactivated, and no new social media of ANY sort will be joined, unless there is full POJA agreement in effect, and passwords will be shared
- Immediate change of email address and deletion of old accounts
- Agreement to take a polygraph in the future at ANY time if spouse feels the need
- No new email accounts will be created for ANY reason without informing spouse and sharing passwords
- When looking for a job, TRT will make an effort to find one that does not involve working with computers
- Change the settings on desktop to NOT automatically delete history after a certain time
- Do not delete Internet history on phone or computers for any reason
- Do not delete text conversations, call history, or any other info on phone
- No complimenting or sharing personal info with members of opposite sex
- No female friends
- No hiding purchases or use of money
- Account accurately for time
- Promptly answer texts and calls from spouse
- No lies, of any degree, for any reason
- Start exercise and diet plan to help with anger and self-control
- Develop boundaries: Do not let people other than your spouse meet your emotional needs
- If tempted or attracted to someone else, confess to spouse immediately and institute precautions to avoid the offending party
- Reread EP list daily to keep it fresh in your mind
- Finish Love Busters, Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Fall in Love, - Stay in Love, and commit to doing everything possible to prevent any future AOs
- Participate in at least 10 anger management classes
- Do research into the feelings of a betrayed spouse, to help develop understanding and compassion for spouse's pain
- Willingness to be transparent and answer questions about the affair at any time
- Willingly take STD test
- Inform AI if contacted by offending females, in any way, immediately
- Invest in at least 15 hours of Undivided Attention on a weekly basis (preferably 20-30)
- Find and employ an appropriate outlet for frustration, anger, and excess energy
- Change cell phone number and only give to select contacts that AI approves of
- Vet book collection of any offensive/disrespectful material that will not directly help my marriage to AI
- Lessen online presence (i.e.: blog, FB, Twitter, etc.)(done)
- Make cell phone available to AI upon her request at any time, for any reason
- Remove anybody from Facebook that may pose a threat to the marriage
- Remove anyone from cell contact list that may pose a threat to the marriage
- DO NOT engage in any personal relationships with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT share ANY personal information with members of the opposite sex
- DO NOT add any females to Facebook or any social media site without AI�s approval
- DO NOT send ANY emails to members of the opposite sex without AI reading and approving of them first
- IMMEDIATELY Provide AI with any and all passwords to email, social media, websites, banking information, cell phone, financial information, etc.
- DO NOT have ANY contact, FOR LIFE, with any of the offending females, or anyone TRT was in an intimate relationship with before or during my marriage to AI.
- DO NOT flirt, help, or be excessively nice to any members of the opposite sex, with the exception of AI
- DO NOT attend ANY place (convention, reading, meeting, dinner, etc.) alone that may present a threat to my marriage to AI
- DO NOT contact ANY member of the opposite sex via email, Facebook, Twitter, Text, Phone, DM, PM, etc. unless for business or professional purposes
- DO NOT vet, hide, or delete any emails, texts, PM, DM, etc., before AI approval
- DO NOT put any projects, assignments, jobs, ideas, etc., before AI and our children.
- DO NOT give cell phone number to anyone unless AI approves
- DO NOT take cell phone to the bathroom or outside for a smoke without AI�s approval
- DO NOT compliment people excessively
- DO NOT use terms of endearment with anyone but AI and the children
- Speak with respect
- Post at least weekly on the Marriage Builders Forum for feedback and accountability for no less that the period of 1 year, concurrently.

Honestly, I've got nothing left to lose. Except my wife.

I gave up my pride and dignity the minute I stuck my junk in another woman and emotionally/mentally abused my wife.

Get rid of Facebook and other social media altogether. You don't need it. Don't use POJA to get it back. Don't add exceptions to when you can use it. Consider it gone for good.

Totally understand and duly noted. This was AI's wording, though. I agreed to everything fully, without negotiation. I'll let her know you suggested this. Thank you for your reply.

Okay, but have you done this with complete enthusiasm and with complete "hat in hand" remorse? I kind of doubt it. So far I've seen nothing from you but classic narcissist tendencies, and I'm pretty sure you're gas-lighting all here now. Frankly, I would walk away from you with utter relief if I were your BW. If one tenth of what your BW is saying is true, then you need some serious help with your character flaws. And I mean SERIOUS HELP!

You need to concentrate on fixing you right now, IMO. Yeah, you're broken, but not in the way you were trying to convey when you admitted it to the board. You have serious internal flaws that will not just go away with words and a promise to be a good boy. You go way beyond that, and your wife doesn't deserve this. Not at all.

As far as I have seen you are not even truly capable of acknowledging your own failures as an honest and righteous man. Until you do that, own up to it, and take proper measures to correct your flaws, you are in no position to repair your marriage and call yourself real husband material.

So what's your plan on fixing this? Your words mean jack-squat to her and to us. When are you going to be ready to admit, not to us but to yourself, that you need some serious help in getting your head screwed on straight?

No more [censored], okay?

You do not need your wife's approval to NOT go to Facebook or any other social media. This is a limit you can put on yourself, something you can do yourself.

You don't HAVE to have social media, for any reason. She may be generous in considering letting you have it under some circumstances. Take it a step further and just do away with it altogether. Limit YOURSELF.

Also, stop swearing.

A man who struggles with an anger problem should never swear. Start controlling yourself.

TRT

Please stop lying to us, AL has made it clear you have NOT enthusiastically agreed to her requirements and that you have been angry and obnoxious about them so don't come here saying you agreed and will do anything it takes to save your marriage when your actually fighting the requirements all the way.

And as you have proven to be a liar on so many occasions I tend to believe ALs version of events.

TRT,

Why don't you email the radio show and tell them you want to be a caller and the Harleys will talk to you and AI?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

rightthing, have you scheduled a polygraph?

I haven't. AI wants to shop around for a better price. She also wants to know if anyone out there will allow more than 3 questions, as she's not sure that's the standard.

Polygraph Testing