I hear you, and as the betrayed spouse it sucks that you should have to be the one to break the cycle!

I guess I just know what it feels like to have the SF need unmet, and feel rejected, and what an emotional impact that has. I don't think people who don't have that as a need can quite understand the impact.

What do you have going on that is causing so much tension/friction?

i actually do think others can understand, for example, if you have a high need for attention and the person ignores you its the same thing. i think if the need is that high and its not being filled at all the effect is the same it just comes out in different ways. but i hear you.

mostly job stuff for H.

that dam thing called work, gets in the way all the time.

The major difference though, is ONLY your spouse can 'ethically' meet your need for SF. Even though you SHOULDN'T allow others of the opposite sex meet your needs of RC, IC or AFF, this IS something that can 'ethically' be met by other of the same sex(though best met through your spouse).

you are right HH, the others are needs that can be met by others, but if spouse was not meeting those for their husb/wife and they were go fill those needs by others, you would be getting into a slippery slope.

i was just saying that when a spouse ignores/doesnt fill your top need it just hurts regardless of the need.

but you made me think... i dont think i ever thought of it in the way that i could have friends meet my needs, i dont want them to. i want H to do that, i guess i never look at it from the point that yes they could technically meet those needs.

on another note, spoke with my friend that recommended the lawyer and he agreed that it was probably not the best way to handle things and he had suggested to H that we see separate lawyers. and would have never have suggested we go together, but H thought he was doing the right thing and we could work on a postnup together. Friend felt really bad and wished he knew before we went as he would have discouraged it. note.. remember a lawyer always has to pick a side, so the lawyer picked side of the person that called him (H) as he thought he was the client.

another learning lesson, crappy one but now i know.

...until they are betrayed
sorry, had to throw that out there

uggh... i was really hoping my next post would be a very positive one. we just started working with steve to get us over a few of the humps and he is great and relates to H very well.

but in the meantime, another trigger has happened.

skankho#1- or the one that wrote the emails that started all this for me. she emailed H with new email address.

i am just so spent.

now remember the old email could have been blocked but the new one wouldnt be. she could have looked him up as his name is out there and his email and remember shes a sneaky one.

but what do i do?

i want to email the entire distro list some pretty nasty stuff
i want to call lawyer about violation of C&D notification.

i just dont want to react because i am to upset to act like a lady.

I have keyloggers up the wassoo, gps, phone trackers, H is accounted for 24/7.

1. Just to clarify, are you saying that his email address that received the note could have easily been discovered by someone wanting to find it. That is, an internet search would turn up his email address?

2. Did he tell you about the email or did you find out first?

3. What did the email say?

4. What was in the C&D notification? Any consequences?

thanks NW

1. Just to clarify, are you saying that his email address that received the note could have easily been discovered by someone wanting to find it. That is, an internet search would turn up his email address?- correct

2. Did he tell you about the email or did you find out first?- he told me, i actually was standing 10 feet away while he was checking work emails

3. What did the email say?- it was to a few people- hope this finds you well and you are enjoying... here is my new yada yada

4. What was in the C&D notification? Any consequences? -i have to look when i get home, i think there were

i know you cannot control others only your own actions i get it all. i am just tired of this and any deposits that were made are nada now.

So it wasn't addressed specifically to him BUT she would have had to go out of her way to find his email address to send the email, right? I was wondering if it was just an email sent to her contacts list where she didn't necessarily double-check each person she was sending it to.

I'd see what the C&D letter said and go from there. Though it'd be mighty tempting to go completely apesh*t on the phone with her for daring to email your husband, I think silence and a letter from an attorney may be the better approach.

But, if you said "Screw it" and proceeded to curse her out and THEN followed up with the attorney's letter I probably wouldn't blame you.

ETA: How is his behavior since this came about? That he told you is a bonus.

both possible of course.

looking for the letter tried to put all the mess and documents behind me, but now i have to go pull it out.....

i would never give her the satisfaction of speaking to me. as for a note back i would have to just hit reply to all by mistake i am that vengeful

i left for work very early havnt seen him. just texts. so who knows and i dont care, i just care about how i am feeling at this point and so should he. i know thats probably not good but......

seeing what the letter says and just sit till i get my cool back.

but ohhh the mind is on overdrive......

thanks!

H is very quite. Does not know what to do. Including comforting me. In his box. No emotion. Hes at a loss on what to do.

What would you like from him?

I cant even think. There's just so much you can control and there are so many skanks and triggers. And there is no denying that it ail happen again if not her than baby momma.

Hes a guy he just wants to fix it now and I cant help him anymore.

I don't want him near me while I process this and life. But some emotion would be ok. I don't know empathy. Remorse. Cant find the words or type on a fkindle fire.

chickadee1. I had a similiar situation when OW decided to show up at my DD school performance and sat right in the FRONT ROW for me, FWH and DD to see. It was about 7 months after D-Day and nearly set me back to square one until SugarCane posted this to me. It put things into perspective and was actually a turning point in my own recovery.






I hope you don't mind SC if I re-post for chickadee. It helped me a great deal.

(((hugs)))

Thanks poker and sugar as always. I am not mad at h for this. I am just tired of looking for then next hit and even when I commit to not looking it happens. Its just a roadblocks everytime everwhere. I guess when you have been fighting so hard for so long and all the bases are covered and sh*& like this happens its hard to get back up and play the game.

H contacted Steve with a heartfelt email so we will see his opinion.

Rest and time.

What about him getting a new job?

How's your UA time?

Have you seen this?
The critical importance of UA

I don't care if he picks up dog pop as long ss he is happy. The job he has is a boys world and not good. But we are dealing. He needs to figure out what he wants to do with his new life and thats hard when you are successful at what you do.

We spend a outrageous amount of time together. No not all qualitylike heavy life stuff but doing things that we both like. We do pretty much nothing but work apart for the first time since dating.

Thanks brain.

I am off to bed but please keep posting we/i need lots of advice and i appreciate it all sometimes it hard to see the things in front of you.

I'm flattered, pf!

I'm so sorry you're hurting, chickadee. I hope that post does help you a bit.

We have never dipped below 25 and that just incase I forgot we are always more like 35 plus

No kids remember.