how are your poly questions coming?

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How to negotiate when you are an emotional person

Here's an update on the poly. Friday night I called to speak to the poly guy, to discuss my concerns and develop questions. It was VERY frustrating and left me feeling very negative and upset. I only had 3 questions that were broad. He immediately told me he could not ask anything in regards to EA's or non tangible 'relationships' because they are so subject and there is so much room for error. He said that he had to stick to short and sweet yes/no questions regarding physical acts. I get the subjectivity, but there are a LOT of things that happen that don't have to be physical acts, and clearly, I want to know about that as well. He shy'd away from asking about even such things as sexting, sex chat, sexual emails, phone sex...etc. all of which H had done with one of the OW's. Those seem like more 'tangible' yes/no things vs. emotional things so I didn't understand why he couldn't ask about those.

Two of my questions were related to the two main OW's, the ONS and the EA that included all the sex chat/talk/photos...my questions were "are there any details about your relationship with (OW1/OW2) that you have intentionally withheld from your wife?" I have asked for all the details, and want to know all the details, and I want to know if there are things being purposely kept from me. I know there are details he can't remember, I am not talking about those. I specifically worded it to be things he knew I should know but pursposely and intentionally were withholding from me. Radical Honesty. The poly guy basically said that was an 'impossible question.' Why? Because in his many years of experience, EVERYBODY is hiding something from their spouse intentionally. I should focus on the main acts such as did he have sex with this person or that person, and forget about the minor lies and omissions. He said he would not pass a poly that included that. I said well listen up then, I'm not 'everybody,' I expect RADICAL HONESTY, and that INCLUDES the 'trivial' lies and omissions. If H is still lying to me about ANYTHING, I want to know that and it is the very reason I am paying you to do this test, so do it.

So apparently I have created a test that is 'tough' and next to impossible for any spouse to pass because we are all lying or lying by omission about something. He didn't like me very much, and I didn't like him. I almost cancelled the test but since he was the best one we could find in our area and it has taken us SO LONG to get this thing scheduled I decided to go ahead with it.

Then I went to H and told him about this convo with the poly guy. He said he wanted me to ask the questions that would give me peace, whatever they were. It was my choice. He did however, later come to me with one last detail of his ONS that he said he believes he never told me and he was afraid it would catch him up on that question so wanted to tell me. It was an explicit detail that I don't fault him for not telling me, I didn't ask and it isn't something you would want to tell your spouse (or really something that I would have wanted to know, frankly). It was very painful. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip about it but within a minute melted into a sobbing puddle for about an hour and was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the night. If there is a way to possibly imasculate a woman, I guess that's what it did. So it was a rough night all in all but he was great through it all.

I am proud of myself for not letting that new pain cause me to withdraw, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to withdraw and frankly bc it was explicit sexually it made me want to not have SF for a couple months, both because it really hurt my sexual pride and also because I wanted to make him pay! Goodness I have a vengeful side. But in the morning I decided that I was not going to let this set me back. (Plus, you all know I can't go a couple months without SF...) The rest of the weekend I was engaged and we talked a lot about the A's (his and mine, any unanswered questions, etc.) in a very civil way. I know we are supposed to not rehash them ever, but with this poly coming up I wanted to make sure that ALL the details of every possible situation in our history were on the table in one fell swoop, because after the poly (if he passes that is) I want to never, ever talk about any of it ever again.

I am worried about the poly though. I am worried that there is more. I have no reason to believe that based on H's actions. He set the poly up. He told me to ask whatever I want. He appears to be 100% truthful to me and not worried about passing at all. But you all know how that goes... I'm not dumb and I know that there are lots of people in my exact situation who have ended up with a failed test. So...guess I will let the cards fall where they may right now. I'm not even concerned about divorcing him if he fails, I am concerned about more A's/details coming out. I just feel like the pain of new A's and new details is never going to end.

Thank you Brainhurts for your link to the newsletter. I read it over the weekend on my phone but will read it again today. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to absorb things, except when it is advice from NG and that usually takes me about 10 times.

Two questions I have this week.

How do you get past letting sexually explicit 'comparisons' not haunt you in the bedroom. I take great pride in my performance and have had that cut down a little bit, in some ways that are controllable and in some that are not. How do I not let that be in the back of my mind when I am doing those things. SF is very important to me and it has been dramatically impacted by this stupid ONS already, I want that to STOP.

Also, although I have invested in recovery with H, one thing I have a HARD time letting go is my contempt for OW1. OW2 also but at least she didn't lay her hands on my property. OW1 is a single woman who has probably gone on to have sex with multiple married men. I HATE HATE HATE the fact that my life, my children's lives, have been and will forever be tainted by this one stupid night and yet she walks away scott free with no reprecussions (except a moment of panic when she received my very well written confrontational email shortly after DDAY). Just doesn't seem fair. I really want to give kharma a hand here, and still obsess over what I can do to make her life a living hell (and oh do I have a long list of great ideas!). How do I move on knowing that she is just off doing her thing to other families not giving us a second thought?

((hugs)) that must have been tough to hear sexually explicit details. I haven't asked because, like you, I didn't want to know. I have no advice to give in that area. Sometimes the visions intrude for me and sometimes they don't.

On your other question about the OW, I remember discussing that here on this thread. Some food for thought
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2622376#Post2622376

I still hate, hate, HATE the OW. For getting involved with kiss and causing problems for my children. For ruining my life and taking something I will never get back again.

Thanks RQ. Oh I heard all the details (that drunk off his a$$ WH could remember that is), it sucked but I was one of those people who wanted to be a 'fly on the wall' and know everything. This was more a 'comparison' in ways that I could not control. I will try and focus on the facts where the comparisons are WAY in my favor 1) I have a better body, even after 3 kids, 2) I am WAY more attractive, 3) if ANY man put us in a side by side comparison, I would win, hands down 4) I am still far better than her in the sack so suck it OW, 5) H actually remembers my name a decade later... the list could go on. Focus on the fact that she is a disgusting, cheap POS bar whore and I am the beautiful and loving wife that H wants to be with, in other words. Helps that he was never in love with her and doesn't even think she is attractive (hurts that he would throw so much away and cause so much damage for NOTHING).

Anyway. I was actually involved in that thread. Spewing thoughts of ways I could wreak havoc on OW1's life. Short from Indie's advice to 'not let her have rent free space in my head' I didn't really learn anything. But I am a slow learner, clearly.

I really want to do further exposure. I have only confronted her. Shortly after the ONS she was drunk at a happy hour and approached H, they confirmed she was on the pill and not pg (gag) and that neither had breathed a word to anyone. Which would indicate that she was a tad embarrassed about her sleazy behavior. Which means that I should make sure all of the people she wants to think she is an upstanding woman should know about it...

OK it WOULD protect other families from her secret life of bar whorishness, but I admit, it is mostly revenge I want.

I re-read that thread and saw that you had written in there, LOL! No, I don't think either one of us are ready to let the skanks go. And I suppose you could look at it in that we won our WH's in the end. Unfortunately my self esteem took a huge hit regardless and wish I could be happy with that. Love your attitude though!

I think any further exposure on your part would just be revenge at this point. Better to just let her live with her mistakes and continue on with her miserable, lonely little life.

H is at his poly now. Anxiety ridden day. My gut instinct says he will pass, just because of the 'between the lines' changes in him since D Day, but of course I have learned to trust nothing, especially myself.

He is paying in cash so I can find the results out today still. Wish me luck.

Good luck.

hope it goes well, come back and let us know how you are doing

H called and the poly is over. He said it was very stressful. He was supposed to go to work but is coming home instead, which makes me nervous. Although, he did say nothing new was revealed and there is nothing to reveal.

I find out the results this evening, it could not come soon enough. Anxiety is having its way with me.

Just hoping he passed so we can have a fresh start. If he didn't, IDK what I'm going to do. Go looking for Scottie and Indie to guide me on a good PB I guess. This sucks!

Stay strong. Good luck!

Glad that you may finally have some closure. Keep us updated..

He passed! Time to go celebrate...

The devil is now dead.

Get on getting on.

Thank you for all of your support fellow MBers!

It wasn't quite the monkey off the shoulders I wanted right away. It was like my brain did not want to accept that I finally had the truth after almost 13 years of deception. It kept trying to tell me there was a mistake, or somehow he manipulated the test. It took a couple hours to set in that yes, he actually passed, I actually do know the truth finally.

Why am I so guarded, its ridiculous. Our bodies way of trying to shield us from the pain again I guess.

Did I post these excellent clips to you about polygraphs already? What Dr. H thinks?
Radio clip on polygraphs
Segment #2