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#2638073 06/20/12 07:09 PM
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Where to start? I am currently working through the effects of an affair that my wife had in the fall last year of 2011.

I would have to say that I am not doing to well at this time. Unfortunately this is the second time around for me and her. The last time was 16 years ago. needless to say I was crushed, messed up, and had a very hard time coping. Eventually the only way I felt I could survive was to leave the marriage. We sold our home and I moved far away to another city looking for a fresh start. With allot of time I healed and continued on pursuing my dreams. My wife and I had always had a great relationship, and often concluded that we were sole mates. To shorten things up, we re connected, ( never divorced during separation) fell in love all over again, thing where great. we have 4 beautiful children and have been as close and happy as one could expect. When we got back together I wanted to know that she could never do that again, it the kind of pain I never wanted ever to feel again, she promised, and with time we moved on together.

Fast forward 16 years, and 4 children. It happened again, I will try and keep condensed for there are many factors which need to be considered, but nevertheless I am more lost and ready to give up more than I have ever been.

An old classmate of mine who is a good friend ( best friend growing up for 20 years) moved to our city. We kept in touch saw each other every odd year but remained in contact all these years. This individual is the one guy that never grew up out of the bunch. Still chasing girls, living the party life, and has some bad habits.

We really never had anything in common other than our past, my years of out and about are long gone and have not been part of our lives for a very long time. The funny part is, my wife hated him, in fact despise would not explain her disdain for this guy.
After having him over a few times, one night he made a pass at my wife. I was pretty taken back and upset. My wife was disappointed it happened and wanted him never to come back. I told him I would need some time to think about it and I would not be wanting to see him. 6 weeks passed and I gave our past friendship the benefit of the doubt. Occasionally he would be invited over, once every 4-5 weeks.
Apparently he started throwing complements at my wife, testing the waters. She told me at the time she though it was harmless because of who he was. I do question though why she did not bring it up to me, we share everything.
Later my wife started to deal with some stressful situations, she started to have coping problems, there was stress in our business, and her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

She wasnt doing well and started to neglect her responsibilities at home. Mainly, track and pay bills. It got to the point she stopped getting the mail for months, and I was unaware.

It was the week she had to go and see her mom, 10hr. drive he called while she was on the road to give his sympathies. And from there, the deception and lies rolled in for over 3 months. My wife turned into another person. Eventually they met, he gave her coke, ( we have never done drugs in our lives, this in itself was almost more devastating than what was going on.) 2 days after this meet-up she had a minor break-down,

I involved the hospital and measures were taken. 2 days after that she had a full mental break, she became suicidal, and was hospitalized in the hospital for 10 days.
I can say the person she became during the 3 months was not her, but I would have never, never expected this to happen. My friend was the least likely person she would be with, today she cant believe it, she is remorseful, wants the marriage, working on her issues. I keep feeling to much has happened and I cant forgive it this time. She neglected to pay bills, my credit has been ruined, she stop paying the mortgage and did not pick up mail. I got a call one day from lawyer saying your home is being foreclosed. I had to refinance through a tier two lender who is charging me, 16%. I had to take part of our savings and put down on the new financing to save our home (reason is I worked a plan for 10 years for our home, its my dream home and I thought I would die here.) Everything I worked for has been lost, I am farther behind today than I was 15 years ago. I worked very, very hard in our business to give her and the children nice things, when times got tough I kept on going always figuring a way to get ahead. I am currently not coping, I am depressed more than ever, the pain will not go, and I am thinking it may be time to leave. I am looking to sell off parts of my business because I cant run it, I cant think straight. It would be my 20 year. If I lose that I am not sure what to do. We have about 10 month and we are going to be dry of money. Everything was going well and now its a nightmare.
Because of my past experience I am familiar with the ups and downs, but this time I am fighting with having lost the life I worked my a** off for. I am not sure how we can move on. She want to but I dont think I have anything left. I would have to say this is as close to the edge as I have ever felt. Feel lost without hope.

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hardtimes, will she be in in-patient rehab? I am so sorry this is happening to you.


BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
LisaL77 #2638079 06/20/12 07:23 PM
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she spent some time in hospital, our family came to help with the kids because I had to work. She is in counselling and is working hard. For some reason I 'am not getting over this. I still do not understand how he and her could have done this,

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hardtimes, you are going to have financial problems regardless of whether you stay married or not, but you have a greater chance at happiness if you stay with her than if you don't. You can recover and create a happy, fulfilling marriage if you use this program. I know that seems unlikely from you are standing, but it can happen if you and your wife are very strict about recovering your marriage.

And recovery does not happen by accident. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they fail to follow the basic steps for recovery and they end up in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. Those who don't recover linger along in a state of growing resentment year after year. You don't have to like that.

This program really does work if you will work it. Here is what it takes:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley, founder of Marriage Builders

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I suspect depression or some self esteem issue. That's what I strongly lean toward regarding my husband. Did you read this site through and through?


BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
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She has been forthcoming in al details. She was was sexually abused as a child, our first separations was the cause of her going to therapy. She started to remember and she turned into another person, that was first affair.

She claims our marriage was great, no issues,except the usual, we are very open, we do not fight, we share everything, as mentioned in opening, soul mates.

The doctors say she hit a breaking point, chances are my friend fed off this. She turned again into a different person. Everything was a lie, again and again. There has been some talk about bi-personality disorder because of her abuse.

Its a deeps story. P.S if I can get my head together I can avoid the financial problems, I have always been a good earner. I just can't cope right now, I feel out of order now.

LisaL77 #2638093 06/20/12 07:53 PM
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Definitely, she though the kids didn't even love her anymore. Yet she is there everything.

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through this entire endeavour, we remained close, our intimacy was high, everything was good. it was like she led a double life. She also kept saying the affair never felt real, and in her mind she never wanted to leave me, but could't understand why she was doing what she was doing.

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hardtimes, many adulterers suffer from depression and suicide so it is no surprise she had a breakdown.

A big part of recovery is to affair proof your marriage and create such an integrated, transparent marriage that she CAN'T possibly have an affair. In order to have an affair, one has to create a secret second life. If she is completely transparent, spends every night with you, and spends all of her leisure time with you, your marriage will be affair proofed.

Do you snoop on her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: hardtimes1
through this entire endeavour, we remained close, our intimacy was high, everything was good. it was like she led a double life.


BUT... you weren't emotionally intimate and she had the ability to conduct a secret second life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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it ended in nov 2011, she is 100% transparent,( during the affair she was not, that's what tipped me off, something was amiss) we spend much of our time together , with and without the kids. My friend has since moved away, far far away, and i do believe there is nothing there. Her family has been involved and very much wants us to be together, as she has stated many times.

She claims she was not unhappy, and does not get it, I am having a hard time forgiving. I also wonder if I am taking a chance on the rest of my life. I do not want to live like this. and based on the past could it happen again, she says never, well I heard that 16 years ago too??

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I understand why transparency is needed, but I do not want to live a life where it is used as a tool to avoid mishaps. I would never snoop, trust is paramount, I give it and you will get it from me.

Do I snoop now, yes, I am a need to know person, I do not want to live in a lie. We have always been very committed to one another.
I want to trust without question, that's what hurts so much, I know she is not doing anything, but the trust that i have lost hurts. I always had pride of our trust.

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Hardtimes,

I have not been on this board for a long time, and I don't know exactly why I am now but felt the urge. Mel is right you need a plan.

Allow me to suggest one.

1. You need to go to counseling to get a lot of things off of your chest. The majority of issues you are facing are financial not fidelity. It would appear from your narrative that she had a breakdown or was breaking down and THEN had the affair. Her breakdown led to her NOT doing many things that have led to your financial situation.

So go to counseling, start talking about your fears, what would appear to be your depression (loss of concentration and focus are major symptoms) and even consider some short term anti-depressants if the counselor thinks they will help you get on your feet.

You will be better able to handle alot of the stress that the financial situation has put you under and this will lead to item 2.

2. You need to do some serious reading here and develop a plan to reclaim your marriage. From the sounds of it you dealing with a woman that had a breakdown and failed to do many things she normally would and did do, one of them was being faithful to you.

You will be happier if your family remains intact, and think you will be happier with yourself if you can get your feet on the ground emotionally and find a way to address what is a very painful situation.

3. While you are reading please note that BOTH of you need a plan and that plan should entail ways for her to protect you, your marriage, and reassure you, as well as address what she has done and protect her boundaries which she failed to do even with someone she did not like. Learning to protect her boundaries may even help her address some of the issues that led to her breaking down.

I have a lot more to say, but start with a plan and realize that you have two things to address and they really are not connected although the same person was involved with both.

Those are my opinions, I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
[quote=hardtimes1]

BUT... you weren't emotionally intimate and she had the ability to conduct a secret second life.


I would not say completely, we were always open with our feelings and showed it. One friend said, she was a bored run down house wife, she was looking to escape.

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Originally Posted By: hardtimes1
I understand why transparency is needed, but I do not want to live a life where it is used as a tool to avoid mishaps. I would never snoop, trust is paramount, I give it and you will get it from me.


It was this attitude that led to her 2 affairs though. Surely you realize it would be foolish to trust her after this? You have no evidence to warrant that trust. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. If you both had completely transparent lives, you could hold each other accountable and that is how you avoid affairs and other misconduct.

Quote:
Do I snoop now, yes, I am a need to know person, I do not want to live in a lie. We have always been very committed to one another.
I want to trust without question, that's what hurts so much, I know she is not doing anything, but the trust that i have lost hurts. I always had pride of our trust.


Hopefully you can see how misguided it is to blindly trust someone by now?

If you really want to create trust, you should be snooping. There is nothing that restores trust MORE than watching what your spouse does when she thinks you are not looking.

I would suggest you rethink your ideas about "trust" because they are not healthy and have not been healthy to your marriage. There is no virtue in affording blind trust to an untrustworthy person. It doesn't help her and it doesn't help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: hardtimes1
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
[quote=hardtimes1]

BUT... you weren't emotionally intimate and she had the ability to conduct a secret second life.


I would not say completely, we were always open with our feelings and showed it. One friend said, she was a bored run down house wife, she was looking to escape.



But she wasn't open about her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank-you to all that responded, your remarks are correct. Trust me when I say there is lots of love, but I am more scared lately of this feeling it seems ending the marriage could be an option. I guess I am old fashioned, i myself have had ups and downs but I remember my promise to her. I also feel very betrayed that she place our children into this. ( i know she wasn't thinking right, but I still question it.) One other note I pretty much suppressed everything when she was in the hospital,nothing mattered other than her health. I kept myself in complete check for a month when she got back home. After Christmas my floodgates opened and it hit me hard.

We are going tomorrow for our first session under a new family program.

This is the first time I have really expressed my side, thank-you again. I will be stopping bye again to talk.

I will keep reading. My problem will be moving forward if I can't forgive, I think I will at some point, hate this feeling.

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yes you are right, it is going to be a journey to say the least. Being the second time should I be worried on other accounts?

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Originally Posted By: hardtimes1


We are going tomorrow for our first session under a new family program.


Just to give you a heads up about counseling, marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and is destructive to marriages. We get the fallout from bad counselors on this forum every day. They have no idea how to save a marriage and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They do not know how to restore the love to a marriage. Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional counseling in that it is a step by step program to restore the love to a marriage that works every time it is used. Where other programs focus on feelings, MB focuses on actions. This works becuase feelings follow actions.

Quote:


I will keep reading. My problem will be moving forward if I can't forgive, I think I will at some point, hate this feeling.



This article might help you in that regard: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. please get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair. It is the best book on infidelity I have ever found.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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