Pep I may have mentioned this before but I LOVE you. You're awesome!

markos made a good point about your seeking counseling being indicative that you have not read/understood MB articles/concepts....

Have you read thru all of the articles and Q&A columns? I must have read the basic concepts and the infidelity articles at least five times before I even posted.

What about your thread? Have you re-read it? I don't get the sense that you have and in fact, you probably skimmed over the posts that made you uncomfortable.

Again, when I first got here and posted, I re-read my thread over and over. And I did not get anywhere near the help that you have gotten.

Ex, markos gave you a link to fill out the personal questionnaire. This is something Dr Harley specifically asked me to do with my STBX with regards to helping him with PORH. Did you print it off or even look at it?

Sidestepping a bit here.

If you have a personality disorder it is more likely to be borderline then anything else.

That being said, the only effective treatments for personality disorders resemble MB quite a bit. Boundaries etc. therapy may help you, MB will help you and your wife, family and marriage.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Have you read this:
Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Rule of Care

Rule of Protection

Rule of Honesty

Rule of Time

It looks like there is an alarming need for you to be working on protection (eliminating love busters, particularly AOs) and honesty. Each day and every day to change these bad habits.

What do you think? What are you going to do to work on these areas?

I'm sorry, I will address all of these later tonight.
I just came back from my first anger management session.
I got mad about the quality of the advice.
Ironic.
AI pointed that out.
I really do love her. I'll be pursuing any avenues where I can learn to destroy this LB.

Also, Pricia (sp?), I owe you an apology. The coach insisted that my aggressive and disrespectful language is a fuel to my anger. I apologize for brushing off your sound advice.

She's still helping, even while hurting - and that is so caring.

She rocks. Off the charts.

Yes I would say VERY strong

A million times DITTTTTOOOOOOOO

TRT, I am glad that you passed the poly. Now, don't let that money go to waste. Be honest. But, that doesn't give you any right to do something that you know may lead you down a path, and you will just confess and be absolved after. If you ever have a thought about something that you would like to do, and think that in any way, you will need to apologize in the future, DON'T DO IT.

ALL of the information for you to save your marriage is offered on here for FREE. You can also talk to DrH for FREE. And, when you have the money, you can do the online course, and phone counseling, but we're not letting you off of the hook for doing actual work.

So, was this new counselor POJA'd?

I am married to an angry man, who has been through anger management. I happen to know a thing or two about anger.

Some of us have been around the block a time or two. We are giving you advice for FREE, when we paid thousands of dollars and spent hundreds of hours learning what to do. Start listening.

Start NOW, and never allow yourself to have another AO. Come up with a plan for what you will do IF you do.

What are you going to do to make things safe for her again? Taking anger management is only part of it.

IF you do have another AO, I will be advising your wife to kick you out. You have no business abusing that woman. She needs security and safety right now.

trt, I'm a little bothered by something I just can't wrap my arms around. Why are you so mad at everything and everybody? Seriously, why? What has everything and everybody done to you to rationalize this level of anger? Is your life really that suckful? Why do you expend SOOO much energy being angry at the world all the time when denying that anger to have a place in your life would make your marriage, and quite frankly YOU, much better all around?

Are you into self flagellation?

I don't get it. Actually I do, but want to hear it from your mouth...okay, well, keyboard.

Prisca,

I appreciate all of the advice y'all are giving me (even if it's just now) and will act upon it all. What will I do to make her feel safe again? Avoid AOs completely, throw down some serious love deposits, be real with her, and be there for her through thick and thin - without an agenda.

In other words: Protection, Care, Time, Honesty.

Tiger,

I totally get where you're coming from, and I don't want to sound like a jerk (as is my nature, apparently), but I really don't feel comfortable with that question. We all have skeletons in our closet, but mine are left there for a reason. AI is the only person apart from one close friend (a male) and my family doctor that know the horrors of my childhood. Let's leave it at that. It wasn't pretty.

In fact, the guy who did my poly today actually helped me come to terms with a truth that I lied about by omission, today. See, he asked me a question, I answered with what I thought was the truth, but had a split second image of something in my head. That sent the polygraph into a mental state, and he pulled it out of me. We talked about it, and it turns out that something I pretty much thought was dead and buried was actually alive and kicking the crap out of me.

So... this polygraph was more beneficial than I thought!

But I'm still not going into why I'm so pissed at the world. Sorry. Let's just say that I didn't use to be.

So, AI is hurting something fieirce right now. I decided to try a different approach than usual. I listened to her, asked her how she felt, and made physical contact to remind her that I was here (hugs, rubbing her ankle and forearm/wrist, and kissing her on the top of the head).

She's still hurting, but there were a few small smiles and some flowing honesty where often there's fear or trepidation.

I think we might be onto something here...

Going to get her some rest and relaxation now (if she wants it) and keep on keepin' on, tomorrow.

G'night, folks.

Yes, those are the principles. But they are more than just words.

If you will learn this program in and out, and do it, you might have a chance. I believe I suggested earlier that you become a daily Marriage Builders Radio listener. Since that time, how many broadcasts have you listened to? Should I keep posting?

I will be there backing her up on this advice.

A word for you, trt:

entitlement

Entitlement is the soul of the wayward mentality.

It sounds like you feel entitled to your wife's support.

Even if you were the perfect husband, you would still not be entitled to that.

As long as you have the attitude of entitlement, you will build your speech and mannerisms out of Selfish Demands.

You may recall Dr. Harley's continuum of abuse and control: Selfish Demands -> Disrespectful Judgments -> Angry Outbursts. Eliminate the selfish demands and you take a lot of the fuel out of the later stages.

Do you know what the word "please" means? It actually means "if it pleases you." i.e. "If you want to, if you are enthusiastic about this." When my kids say "please," they usually say it with a whine and they think it's a magic word to force someone to grant their demands. But you can say "if it pleases you" by your attitude and choice of words.

No entitlement.

Well, there you have it, my friend!
The "something" that you "thought" was dead and buried IS actually alive and kicking the crap out of YOUR WIFE and CHILDREN!
You readily admit that you are "pissed at the world"!
And, who just happen to be "in your world"?
Your wife & children!
So, if you are pissed at the world and your wife & children are in your world, they are being punished because of you!
Now that you know this, what are YOU going to do about "IT"?
I do not need to know what the "IT" is that has you gripped in its ugly trap!
Until you get a "grip" on the "IT" and rip it to shreds and burn it in a burn pile, you are going to continue being the angry, abusive man that you are!
And, your sweet BW and precious children are going to continue to bear the brunt of your anger because of 'IT'!
Wow! How convenient that you would intentionally choose to allow the pain of the "IT" to trump having a loving relationship with your wife and children!
In other words, you are choosing to stay in the trap at the expense of those who love you most!
Incredible!
And, TRT, do NOT even for one minute think that your "painful past" is the exception to the rule when it comes to doing whatever is necessary SO AS TO DESTROY IT!!!!!
Nope... Won't wash!
The tail ("IT") is wagging the dog (TRT)!
The "IT" is firmly in control ~ That is ~ UNTIL you deal with "IT"!
Just because Al knows about "IT", does not mean that she must accept the abuse that "IT" inflicts on her and her children!
I hope she will allow you to leave in order to keep herself and her children safe!
For as long as it takes for you to get the message that your "IT" is unacceptable and unwelcome in her life!

WaitaminuteWaitaminuteWaitaminuteWaitaminuteWaitaminute....


I can't remember Dr. Harley saying anything about resolving issues of the past in order to resolve anger. It's specifically on his list of approaches that don't work.