This does sound similar to me. But I do not feel I can go to another religion. My religion is a huge part of who I am, how I raise our children, how I think and make decisions. I am supposed to give that up? After the kids living this religion their whole life, I am supposed to take that from them because their dad won't support it anymore? I couldn't give up my religion, it'd be like asking me to give up everything that is important to me. I would be horribly resentful. My religious observance is a huge part of my everyday life. How do I just say I am ok with that if I am not?

Thanks, armymama. I will email him. I will also order that books as well.

Your husband has made the mistake of agreeing to things throughout his life about this subject in order to keep you happy. In turn, this resentment builds up which leads to this.

Your husband needs to understand that agreeing to practices he does not truly agree with, is making things worse in the long run. Right now, he thinks he can do the same (ie. attending church) to appease you in the short-term because he does not see the long-term problem. He thinks sacrificing this is better, but here you are, with his resentment.

Would you be satisfied if he no longer participated in these practices (going to church, reading religious material to the children), while you continued.

I am not sure if that would satisfy me. It is not a life I ever envisioned for myself. It is hard to be so devoted to something and not be able to share it with the person you should be closest to. I guess I would have to learn to be ok with it, because the alternative is being alone anyways, right? I think I will always feel like something is missing though.

sosadwife, the purpose of the exercise is to brainstorm and find a solutions that appeal to you both, not just YOU. You can't have a happy marriage if you expect to force your religion on your husband. No one is asking you to give up your religion, just to find a church/way to worship that makes you BOTH happy. That is not the only church/religion in the whole wide world that can make you happy.

The goal is not for either one of you to make sacrifices. Right now he is doing all the sacrificing and you can see how well that is working. Neither one of you should be sacrificing. You are currently gaining at his expense and it is wrecking your marriage. Your marriage has to come first.

I know you believe that this is the ONLY church, only way, that can make you happy but that is not true. Since you are not used to negotiating, you are accustomed to thinking in very black and white terms.

In addition to that radio clip, I would listen to the one that armymama posted. It gives you pointers on how to negotiate very difficult problems.

ssw, you need to try harder to find solutions that please you both. You are still stuck on my way or nothing. It is not that cut and dry. What other churches would make you happy that might make him happy too?

sosad,

What does your husband do if you attend church and have devotionals with the children, but do not try to involve him? Usually when people go along with something they are not enthusiastic about, they end up trying to sabotage it in some way.

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on this subject?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5039_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5039b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5040a_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5040b_qa.html

I will say that I believe the Bible has a lot to say about your situation, and I think Dr. Harley's advice for this situation go along with what the Bible says perfectly. Would you like me to discuss this on your thread?

My faith is not a church, it is a religion. It isn't just like switching churches to a different pastor. I would have to leave my religion completely. I am not willing to do this. I thought I listened to all the posted links for radio. Will check again.

I cannot imagine going to another religion, either. Or even another church. (I could attend another congregation, but there are some fundamental points of doctrine/theology that our church teaches that I think would preclude me from attending elsewhere.)

But one thing I can do is have respectful conversations with people of other religions, other churches, or no faith at all, in which I give them the opportunity to try to persuade me to their point of view. And if my wife did not share the same convictions as me (and our convictions do differ), I would be willing to discuss that respectfully with her and give her the chance to fill me in in case I am missing something.

I believe that is what God intends.

And that is the Golden Rule, isn't it? You want your husband to give you the chance to persuade him to faith. The Golden Rule suggests that you do the same thing for him that you would want him to do for you.

Does your specific religion or denomination require you only be married to a man with the same faith.

Would you mind posting the name of your specific faith, church, or religion? I understand if this is too personal or you feel that you would compromise your anonymity, but it might help us help you better.

My wife and I are members of the Church of Christ. I'm specifically curious if you might be the same.

My husband just floored me by walking in from work with the Love Busters book that he picked up from the library and he filled out the needs questionnaire, which he was unwilling to do last night. He has said he'd like to work on meeting e/o needs and has some suggestions as to how I can meet his needs so he can be happier to meet mine! I am filled with hope. I see a few replies since my last post, and I will read them and respond tomorrow and update, when I can concentrate and my husband is at work. I am appreciative of everyone who has replied and hope you can continue to offer advice and suggestions. I am grateful for the time you took out of your day for me.

That is great, sosad! I believe there are a couple of chapters at the end of Love Busters that specifically address conflicts of faith. You might pay special attention to the story of the minister in one of them, which I don't think is in the conflicts of faith chapter.

Here are the clips armymama and Melodylane were talking about.
Radio clip on POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

**edit**

My father was Jewish, my mother Protestant, and my wife was raised Catholic. What a privilege it has been to have contact with so many points of view and traditions. I have learned the value of not just respecting, but celebrating differences.

Can you agree that each of you will teach your children to respect your spouses views? That was the gift my parents religious differences gave me.

Start by respecting your DH's point of view. That will encourage him to respect yours.

I sense that teaching you children your religion is a big part of this conflict. If "supporting you" means denying his own beliefs, that is a selfish demand. It will never work. Is he just as free to express his views as you wish to be to express your belief?

Can you agree to teaching you children to recognize and respect your differences? "Mom believes X. Dad believes Y. They love and respect one another. Sometimes Mom is sad that Dad doesn't believe what she does. Sometimes Dad doesn't understand why Mom believes some things."

As a secular person I occasionally accompany my wife to important events in her family. If I feel that I am expected to try to present myself as a believer, I feel so phony it makes my skin crawl. I've been that grumpy guy sitting grimly in the pew.

I can do it more gracefully now. Partly because I've got it through my head to do it with good will or not at all. But also because I know that my spouse is as respectful of my views as I am of hers.

**edit**

I caught your 1st post before it was edited. I went to that website and it was extremely helpful. Thank you for that. Is there a way you could pm me, I would like to know what you said in the 2nd post that I now can't read.

The PM is disabled on this site to help keep boundaries high. Also it's against TOS to post non MB material. TOS

You can ask the MODS to exchange emails.

sosad, what did your husband think of the Love Busters book? Did you guys read the chapter that addresses conflicts of faith?

Also, I didn't see answers to several questions I asked you:


Also, do you agree with my take on the Golden Rule, above?