I have been married 26 years. We have been having alot of problems. I have always wanted to go to counseling he just didnt believe in it. I looked at our cell phone bill on computer one day and could not believe that I seen the same number over and over again. Texting started at 830 am and went all day long into evening. I never thought twice about my husband texting on his phone because of his job. In a 7 week period between the two of them total 2000 texts and 4 hours worth of phone calls. I called the number and got a voicemail the name I heard is a very unique name so I knew right away it had to be his old love before me. He was 22 at the time with this girl, but he did tel;l me he did love her back then and in conversation he did tell my girls one time about her also just in conversation talking about the past. Anywat I confronted him and he keeps saying the same thing. He is sorry it was stupid but it was just chit chat nothing else. Talk about his job her job his Mom stuff like that. He also told me that he told her he is very happily married. He would not show me his e mail accoubnt said I was being crazy and I asked to see texts he said they were deleted already. I bought one of those text retrieval sticks and he refused to plug it in. He said he had private stuff from his sister about her marriage and it would not be fair for me to see it. Does anyone think that 2 people that were in love way back then and intimate back in they day could only be just friends and just chit chat only? I am soooo mad, hurt

Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry for your pain.

Keep all your evidence in a safe place. Do not confront him anymore. Can you check facebook and find out who this OW is?

The reason he doesn't want you to see his email and deleted texts is because he is talking about inappropriate stuff with her.

You need to blow up their world and expose this affair, but you need to find out about her more. Can you do that?
Exposure 101

I just found out her last name the other day but I can't get any other info than that. All i have is cell number. I tried to reverse phone number look up her name I always come to dead end. I have known about this now for eight weeks. I have been going thru a horrible time. I cry all the time I feel so sad, angry and all he keeps saying is I'm sorry I know it was dumb, but I felt lonely but it's just friends chit chat only about her job my job no flirting. I look at him like are you kidding me. Now he says he will go to counseling. I said to him I will only go now if you tell me the truth. He just says I am, and I am making more of this than it was.

I get sick just looking at him.

We know Hon. We've been there. Did you look for her on facebook? Also check this out. Trying to figure out identity
Don't talk to him anymore about it because he's just going to keep lying.

Can you get into your doctor to get some ADs?
Read this Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters

Read this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

oh CG, i'm sorry you're here. the fact that he won't show you the texts or let you access his email is a

you are in exactly the right place for help with this. hopefully you can nip it in the bud; thank goodness you caught him!

please listen to the advice here. it'll be hard, and you won't want to follow it AT FIRST, but it is the best way to help your M. please read the basic concepts and post your questions.

Hi CG welcome to MB you have found the best place for advice, encouragement and support. The MB principles can help with your personal recovery and are the best chance for marital recovery.

Read the threads in notable posts particulary the one for newly betrayed spouses. Post any questions you have.

Some of the advice may seem counter intuitive, but please listen, many have walked in your shoes, we understand how you feel, your concerns and doubts, we are here to support and help you.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders CG!!

First off - Do NOT go to counselling. (More on this later)

Everytime he tries to gaslight you (blame you, make you feel stupid, crazy and jealous) just consider the following:

Would YOU spend that much time chatting with an old boyfriend, while misleading your H into thinking it was work stuff, and not once mention it to your H... If it was innocent?

Thought not.

They won't have stopped. The amount of texts etc shows they are clearly very deeply into the fantasy maze and will carry on.

This provides opportunities for them to be caught.

First off, lull his anxiety about being caught. Start acting happier and less suspicious (it won't be too long doing this)

I would say something like. 'Let's just concentrate on making each other happier for now' waywards love this.

Look good, smell good and make home inviting. Seem confident (you are being compared with the unrealistic fantasy of an A right now)

And SNOOP. Software on his phone, keylogger on PC, voice recorders where need be. PI if you can afford it.

You need to discover the extent of the A before knwing your next step.

And hugs to you. Take good care of yourself. Go to your physician for ADs if it becomes unbearable.

We've been there.

Oh and I had ordered a bunch of expensive gadgets - but found evidence in my Hs pocket.

Don't overlook the obvious, simple things.

Waywards LOVE counselling. Its perfectly possible to cheat while spending an hour whining in an office about how jealous BW is. Then if they choose the OW they can say 'we tried' and 'we were in counselling'

Most counsellors are also divorced and have an 87% failure rate - because its all talk.

IF and its a big if - he comes clean and is fully repentant, you need an action based programme like MB to reciver with. There are success stories.

But talking shops are not good for waywards.

Crazygirll, try Zabasearch and intelius now that you know her last name you should be able to find much more with these sites. Some information is free but to get more detailed information you have to pay a small fee. I have used these you can get addresses, email, phone numbers and much more.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, CG. First of all, you're not crazy at all. Your H is involved in an emotional affair with this woman. The affair is your enemy - you need to suit up and get ready to kill this affair.

A few things you need to do (or not do):

1. Quit flagging him that you're wise to ways of checking up on him. He'll figure out ways to avoid your snooping methods. The retrieval stick was a smart idea, but you tipped your hand and told him about it. Don't do that again. Stay silent and snoop. When you find something, bring it here and we'll help you with what to do with it.

2. Get a keylogger for the computer. www.spectorsoft.com is a good site - get the eblaster. It will email reports of his computer activity to you. NOTE: Set up a new email account that he won't know about to order this. You'll need to go to that email account on the target computer to download and install it. Spectorpro will send you upgrade info in the future as well - you don't want him to have access to that email account or he may see the download email or the upgrades.

3. Does he have FaceBook? Does she? Get on her FaceBook and copy her Friends to a word doc for possible future use.

4. www.intelius.com may help you track her down. www.spokeo.com is also good.

5. Straighten up your spine, girl! I know this is a horrible time, but you have an enemy to fight! You want to be at your fighting best: Look good. Keep a neat house. Make his favorite meals.

What things make him happy? What are his most important emotional needs? Read more about EN's here. Work on identifying and meeting his top five EN's.

Keep snooping, and document everything you find. We can help you with this - let us know what's going on.

CG

CG, welcome to Marriage Builders. Stop accusing him, get the goods on your own and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

Put a keylogger on his computer ASAP and find out who she is and where she lives.

The problem is my husband is a computer guy. He has jailbreak stuff on his computer.

Also it drives me crazy. He keeps saying it was just like old friends catching up, He knows of course I am really upset, he knows I def think he is lieing, and I go to my friends last night just to get out of the house and he has the nerve to say to me I can not believe you are going out. I feel like he just trying to manipulate me and wait for me to cave in and forget it. I don't feel like hes trying at all

Then how can you get the goods on him?

having a jailbroken phone doesn't make him an expert. anyone can follow directions online. does he have a tech-based job? does he work w/phones/computers?

hang in there, CG, you can do this. you've gotten excellent advice from our most valued members!

CG,
Please do not underestimate this. My adultery was with my old love. He was married 25 years when our adultery started. It started as "catching up" on email. It progressed to plans of running away together and getting married.

My husband busted up the affair and drug me out of a certain life of misery.

Am I trying to scare you ? You better believe it. Your husband is on a ledge, and he may have already jumped off. Don't trust a word he says. Waywards lie. I should know.

Come back here with your findings and listen to the vets. Be brave !!!!

There's always a way to find out what you need to know.

Put on your game face. Be happy whenever he can see you. Do nothing that will raise his suspicions. Keep watch for your opportunity to access his things. It will come.

Waywards don't try, they lie.

You must put your pokerface on and stop acting so upset.

If not, just file for a divorce now and get out of there. If you want to fight for your marriage become an actress.

Say something to get him to relax and slip up. Just say: do you swear that's all? Then nod at what he says.



It will come. If not computers, get VARs. He prob speaks on the phone to her. In his car or your house. Go through pockets. Get a PI if you must.

This is your life.

Catch him in ways he would not expect. As Neak says, keep watch.

He is drunk on the excitement of an affair (and saying very stupid things). You are sober.

Your chance will come.

Get calm, like Jane Bond.

I am saying a prayer right now that God will bring you what knowledge you need, at each point you need it. He certainly did that for me.