I have been married 26 years. We have been having alot of problems. I have always wanted to go to counseling he just didnt believe in it. I looked at our cell phone bill on computer one day and could not believe that I seen the same number over and over again. Texting started at 830 am and went all day long into evening. I never thought twice about my husband texting on his phone because of his job. In a 7 week period between the two of them total 2000 texts and 4 hours worth of phone calls. I called the number and got a voicemail the name I heard is a very unique name so I knew right away it had to be his old love before me. He was 22 at the time with this girl, but he did tel;l me he did love her back then and in conversation he did tell my girls one time about her also just in conversation talking about the past. Anywat I confronted him and he keeps saying the same thing. He is sorry it was stupid but it was just chit chat nothing else. Talk about his job her job his Mom stuff like that. He also told me that he told her he is very happily married. He would not show me his e mail accoubnt said I was being crazy and I asked to see texts he said they were deleted already. I bought one of those text retrieval sticks and he refused to plug it in. He said he had private stuff from his sister about her marriage and it would not be fair for me to see it. Does anyone think that 2 people that were in love way back then and intimate back in they day could only be just friends and just chit chat only? I am soooo mad, hurt

Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry for your pain.

Keep all your evidence in a safe place. Do not confront him anymore. Can you check facebook and find out who this OW is?

The reason he doesn't want you to see his email and deleted texts is because he is talking about inappropriate stuff with her.

You need to blow up their world and expose this affair, but you need to find out about her more. Can you do that?
Exposure 101

I just found out her last name the other day but I can't get any other info than that. All i have is cell number. I tried to reverse phone number look up her name I always come to dead end. I have known about this now for eight weeks. I have been going thru a horrible time. I cry all the time I feel so sad, angry and all he keeps saying is I'm sorry I know it was dumb, but I felt lonely but it's just friends chit chat only about her job my job no flirting. I look at him like are you kidding me. Now he says he will go to counseling. I said to him I will only go now if you tell me the truth. He just says I am, and I am making more of this than it was.

I get sick just looking at him.

We know Hon. We've been there. Did you look for her on facebook? Also check this out. Trying to figure out identity
Don't talk to him anymore about it because he's just going to keep lying.

Can you get into your doctor to get some ADs?
Read this Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters

Read this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

oh CG, i'm sorry you're here. the fact that he won't show you the texts or let you access his email is a

you are in exactly the right place for help with this. hopefully you can nip it in the bud; thank goodness you caught him!

please listen to the advice here. it'll be hard, and you won't want to follow it AT FIRST, but it is the best way to help your M. please read the basic concepts and post your questions.

Hi CG welcome to MB you have found the best place for advice, encouragement and support. The MB principles can help with your personal recovery and are the best chance for marital recovery.

Read the threads in notable posts particulary the one for newly betrayed spouses. Post any questions you have.

Some of the advice may seem counter intuitive, but please listen, many have walked in your shoes, we understand how you feel, your concerns and doubts, we are here to support and help you.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders CG!!

First off - Do NOT go to counselling. (More on this later)

Everytime he tries to gaslight you (blame you, make you feel stupid, crazy and jealous) just consider the following:

Would YOU spend that much time chatting with an old boyfriend, while misleading your H into thinking it was work stuff, and not once mention it to your H... If it was innocent?

Thought not.

They won't have stopped. The amount of texts etc shows they are clearly very deeply into the fantasy maze and will carry on.

This provides opportunities for them to be caught.

First off, lull his anxiety about being caught. Start acting happier and less suspicious (it won't be too long doing this)

I would say something like. 'Let's just concentrate on making each other happier for now' waywards love this.

Look good, smell good and make home inviting. Seem confident (you are being compared with the unrealistic fantasy of an A right now)

And SNOOP. Software on his phone, keylogger on PC, voice recorders where need be. PI if you can afford it.

You need to discover the extent of the A before knwing your next step.

And hugs to you. Take good care of yourself. Go to your physician for ADs if it becomes unbearable.

We've been there.

Oh and I had ordered a bunch of expensive gadgets - but found evidence in my Hs pocket.

Don't overlook the obvious, simple things.

Waywards LOVE counselling. Its perfectly possible to cheat while spending an hour whining in an office about how jealous BW is. Then if they choose the OW they can say 'we tried' and 'we were in counselling'

Most counsellors are also divorced and have an 87% failure rate - because its all talk.

IF and its a big if - he comes clean and is fully repentant, you need an action based programme like MB to reciver with. There are success stories.

But talking shops are not good for waywards.

Crazygirll, try Zabasearch and intelius now that you know her last name you should be able to find much more with these sites. Some information is free but to get more detailed information you have to pay a small fee. I have used these you can get addresses, email, phone numbers and much more.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, CG. First of all, you're not crazy at all. Your H is involved in an emotional affair with this woman. The affair is your enemy - you need to suit up and get ready to kill this affair.

A few things you need to do (or not do):

1. Quit flagging him that you're wise to ways of checking up on him. He'll figure out ways to avoid your snooping methods. The retrieval stick was a smart idea, but you tipped your hand and told him about it. Don't do that again. Stay silent and snoop. When you find something, bring it here and we'll help you with what to do with it.

2. Get a keylogger for the computer. www.spectorsoft.com is a good site - get the eblaster. It will email reports of his computer activity to you. NOTE: Set up a new email account that he won't know about to order this. You'll need to go to that email account on the target computer to download and install it. Spectorpro will send you upgrade info in the future as well - you don't want him to have access to that email account or he may see the download email or the upgrades.

3. Does he have FaceBook? Does she? Get on her FaceBook and copy her Friends to a word doc for possible future use.

4. www.intelius.com may help you track her down. www.spokeo.com is also good.

5. Straighten up your spine, girl! I know this is a horrible time, but you have an enemy to fight! You want to be at your fighting best: Look good. Keep a neat house. Make his favorite meals.

What things make him happy? What are his most important emotional needs? Read more about EN's here. Work on identifying and meeting his top five EN's.

Keep snooping, and document everything you find. We can help you with this - let us know what's going on.

CG

CG, welcome to Marriage Builders. Stop accusing him, get the goods on your own and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

Put a keylogger on his computer ASAP and find out who she is and where she lives.

The problem is my husband is a computer guy. He has jailbreak stuff on his computer.

Also it drives me crazy. He keeps saying it was just like old friends catching up, He knows of course I am really upset, he knows I def think he is lieing, and I go to my friends last night just to get out of the house and he has the nerve to say to me I can not believe you are going out. I feel like he just trying to manipulate me and wait for me to cave in and forget it. I don't feel like hes trying at all

Then how can you get the goods on him?

having a jailbroken phone doesn't make him an expert. anyone can follow directions online. does he have a tech-based job? does he work w/phones/computers?

hang in there, CG, you can do this. you've gotten excellent advice from our most valued members!

CG,
Please do not underestimate this. My adultery was with my old love. He was married 25 years when our adultery started. It started as "catching up" on email. It progressed to plans of running away together and getting married.

My husband busted up the affair and drug me out of a certain life of misery.

Am I trying to scare you ? You better believe it. Your husband is on a ledge, and he may have already jumped off. Don't trust a word he says. Waywards lie. I should know.

Come back here with your findings and listen to the vets. Be brave !!!!

There's always a way to find out what you need to know.

Put on your game face. Be happy whenever he can see you. Do nothing that will raise his suspicions. Keep watch for your opportunity to access his things. It will come.

Waywards don't try, they lie.

You must put your pokerface on and stop acting so upset.

If not, just file for a divorce now and get out of there. If you want to fight for your marriage become an actress.

Say something to get him to relax and slip up. Just say: do you swear that's all? Then nod at what he says.



It will come. If not computers, get VARs. He prob speaks on the phone to her. In his car or your house. Go through pockets. Get a PI if you must.

This is your life.

Catch him in ways he would not expect. As Neak says, keep watch.

He is drunk on the excitement of an affair (and saying very stupid things). You are sober.

Your chance will come.

Get calm, like Jane Bond.

I am saying a prayer right now that God will bring you what knowledge you need, at each point you need it. He certainly did that for me.

Did you Check her facebook? Did you check for her identity?

The best way to feel better is to act. Are you reading the materials we are linking? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

While you're Mrs James Bond you're in Plan A.

These will help to figure out his lying.
VAR in his car
Keylogger Programs

I don't know what that means, or if it matters for keylogging. Can you pull the memory card on his phone?

He has to sleep sometimes.

You need to read the book Surviving and Affair

It gets crazy here sometimes. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he does not want me to call a lawyer. He says he wants to fix this. I tell him I can not move on without the truth and he then says I did tell u the truth. After I hear those words come out of his mouth I feel the anger inside of me just take over. I want to wring his neck. Then I think back about some of the things I hate about him, and one of them is I feel he is a very controlling person. Even now... he sees how hurt I am and my girls whoo are 18 and 22 and he still is trying to control this situation 9 weeks later still can not just tell me truth how is that someone who loves omeone and says he wants to fix this? I almost feel like I am brainwashed cause when he tells me it was just chit chat no flirting no nothing just talk about work I think to myself could it have been that. Then I say to myself how could it have been that. Four hours phone calls, and 2000 texts back and forth between them in 7 weeks. I feel like I am going crazy.

What is your plan to get the evidence? The things that he says are not relevant and is not going to help your situation. It is just designed to throw you off balance. Your focus has to stay on getting the evidence.

Nobody cares what he says. You should not be talking to him anyway. You will not hear any sense. If he tells you he loves you = lie; if he tells you he hates you = lie.


Never Take the Word of a Wayward

You need to stop talking to the crazy raving addict - and instead snoop and get PROOF.

Why are you wasting time?

You feel like you're going crazy because you are listening to a crazy person instead of concentrating on getting the facts.

Buy and read surviving an affiar! I am not an expert but I have seen your situation before. Essentially your husband is having an emotional affair with the ex. He is in the "fog". Read BrainHurts link to the Carrot and a Stick plan.

Sounds like he has an I-Phone...there are some different apps that can be put on his phone. If he syncs his phone up with I-Tunes to do music it also downloads old copies of texts that you can later retrieve with the right software.

I've been right where you are. It sucks.

He does have an iphone I know he removed everything off of it. He is up on all technology thats his thing. I don't know what to get. He never leaves his stuff out. When hes done with his laptop he puts it in his briefcase for work the next morning. I did put a tape recorder in room and hid it. I k now he talks to his sister but problem is I can tell when they are talking about our situation because he starts to talk really quiet and I can't hear what he is saying esp now with air condition on in room. It's just driving me crazy because I dont know if he is in contact with her on computer. Is anyone an expert on the website LINKDIN? Supp he said thats where he found her she popped up on it as a contact

It's like a facebook for professionals. It's just like facebook. He has to accept or send her a friend request.

Did you see the keylogger information I posted to you?

Yes but how would i get that on his computer, when he leaves room he shuts it down and when hes done it goes in his briefcase

Have you been trying to find out who she is? Did you check the information we gave you?

What about when he's asleep?

Does anyone know that if i joined Lindkin website I know i would have to pay to join but what would I see on her profile. Would i see her email address? Would i see her address where she lives also would it show me if my husband has contacted her recently on there. Can you im back and forth on Linkein him and her I mean free. Is it like facebook the way u can send messages back and forth just curious

It's just like Facebook.

No you don't have to pay. Yes they can message back and forth.
What about hiring a Privatest re Investigator PI


Does he have an Iphone? IPhone Help

Do you have her name?

I would get a PI in your shoes. If he's dropping his voice when on the phone, he's wise to the concept of a VAR. iPhones are very tricky and he sounds like a master on the computer. I didnt have any luck on the computer either.

I would still give VARs a try though. Have you got one in his car? Most people feel safe to chat in their car.

Just wait for him to drop his guard. It'll happen. He'll leave his phone unattended after days of hugging it to him like a miser with his gold. He'll leave his email or Facebook open. He'll leave something incriminating in his pocket.

Mine had the computer protected to the hilt, took his phone in the shower, slept with his phone under the pillow....

.... and I caught him within a few days of coming on MB because he left a receipt in his pocket. Few days later he left his phone out next to me because he got drunk. They're dumb.

SMILE. Drop the subject. Be happy and unsuspicious until he drops his guard. If he brings it up just say you want the two of you to spend more time togehter doing fun stuff. Smile brightly when you say this.

But a PI will come up with the goods fastest I bet.

Put a VAR in his car asap. Go to Radio Shack and get one. Or if you don't have the money, or he's watching the credit card,then use an MP3 player. My husband did this with our MP3 and that's how he caught me. Put it on record and tape it under the driver seat.

Have you gone through his laundry ? Look for clues. Smell his shirts for strange perfume. Look for makeup on the collar. Look for hair that doesn't belong to you. Go through his pants pockets. Go through his wallet for receipts. Look at the time and the address on the receipts and do some digging.

I used a prepaid tracfone to carry on my affair. Mine was small, thin and black. Easy to hide--in fact I kept mine hidden in my bra. You get the phone cards at any grocery, drugstore, walmart. Get online and look at your husbands credit card spending. I always used cash though....to not be traced. Does he have a garage trash can, or one in his shed, etc ? I never threw anything away in the home trash. Too risky.

If you still can't come up with anything and you know something is going on, take his photo to the local drugstores where he might buy a phone card. Go to a woman employee (a WOMAN, preferably middle aged) and tell him you are trying to catch your husband cheating on you. Show the photo (find one with your kids in it) and ask them if they remember him buying any phone cards to call his other woman.

Get busy and be smooth. You'll come up with the proof if you dig enough. But don't act suspicious. Act normal. Got it ??

Yes I have her name i seen it on his lindekin account that she visited it. I know it has to be her because she has a unique first name. Problem is when i went to all the sites checking names out I kept coming up empty

try www.intellius.com
do a background check on her to find out if she is married, or other family members names...

if she has a unique name and an online presence, she CAN be found. you need to hop over to the investigate thread and educate yourself about snooping (how to).

CG, i have been exactly where you are. there is no magic wand to fix this. it is very hard work. you've got to take a deep breath and hold still so you can *think.*

you need to start plan a, educate yourself, and track him. once you have the goods, you can move to the next step. post here FIRST! do not confront WH.

deep breaths.

Whatever. Of course he loves you. And he wants you to shut up about his OW.

Can you get up during the night?

She has to accept you as a contact.

CG, you've been given a number of leads for tracking this ho down. What have you done?

Yes please answer this.

Well I think I've had enough...What am I fighting for..It seems to me I am the only one that cares. I know about his little friendship for 9 weeks now. He sees Me and my 18 and 22 year old dtrs living in this house, no one reallyy talks to him because they know he's lying and he keeps sticking to his same story even to them we were just catching up talking about our jobs talking about my dtrs my wife whats going on in life. My dtrs are like Dad u would text all day this was an old girlfriend how could she be not interested in you. What girl would waste her time talking to someone like that ...I mean texting each other every morning 8 830am and texting every day not one day was missed in 7 weeks........................al;king

Do you want help or not?

There's a strong possibility of busting this affair, if you follow the steps the posters have been giving you.

Yes, it's horrible right now to watch your previously sane and decent husband turn into a lying wayward alien right before your eyes. Of course he's going to lie about it; that's what they ALL do. So get the evidence, expose to everyone, and Plan A for a couple of weeks.

If the affair IS busted, your H will likely one day be very thankful that you stopped him from becoming an awful person and wrecking his life.

And IF he writes the No Contact letter, becomes transparent, exercises extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair, and provides just compensation in the form of a passionate romantic marriage, you could both have a wonderful marriage.

What's stopping you?

Even if you don't R, your daughters will see that marriage is worth fighting for, even if you have a justified option to walk away. They'll know you did everything could.

If you're done, and don't want to fight, that's ok, too, but I would still recommend going into Plan B. The last thing a sane person needs is to keep exposing themselves to a crazy wayward over the long term.

True, true.

CG, yes but you still need to find out whats going on, dont you?

Who cares what he says and how he acts? Get the facts.

Also (and I know this hard) but try to avoid making long term decisions or plans.

Anything you decide now will be based on emotions, not facts

Your emotions will change every day and ping you around like a pinball. Ignore them.

Trying to make decisions like 'Im done' - it is woefully too soon to say that. You are reeling and in the midst of the most devastating experience of your life. Just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. On the plan.

The plan keeps all your options open. Dont worry.

Concentrate on facts, concentrate on the MB Plans.

You are now in Plan A in which you show your best, toughest self to WH. You snoop.

Plan A lasts only a few weeks.

OK?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO FIND THIS WOMAN? I have asked you this before. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE?

If you want to save your marriage you need to follow the marriage builders plan.
Have you found this woman's name
?

My advice to you if you continue on the same path: Do this. It's cheaper and you can continue to live in denial and pain. Just remember to wear nice shoes.



Or....just to see what happens, you could TAKE THE ADVICE given here and use it to save a marriage and family.

Does anyone know what I could do here with my var to much background noise. It sounds like he's saying something I really need to hear on it but he is talking very low and air condition making it hard for me to hear.

Yes I do know her name. I have spent hours trying to get something from it. I come up with nothing it is driving me crazy I am trying to find out info.

You've checked facebook? Intellius.com?

yes I have

Could you be blocked? Have you tried looking it up 'not as you' but from a public point of view if that makes sense?

OW blocked me on facebook as soon as she got wind I knew. If I search for her name I come up blank, but if I use my sisters identity, I can see her. I can even see her if I just google her.

It's a bit simplistic in terms of advice, but have you tried googling her name and town? you may get some leads that way.

Is she on WHs friends list? Would anyone else have added her?

Have you tried this?
Facebook:A backdoor to see more information

Does anyone have a linkedin account that could help me out looking up a name?

Why don't you make an account?

We don't pass personal information on this site.

Please read.
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters

OH OK thanks I did not know that

Can you make a fake linkidin account so you can find her?

Create a fake email account. It only takes 5 minutes on gmail.
Then sign up for the Linkedin and Facebook.
At this point you may be best hiring an investigator