I'm having a lot of trouble in my one marriage and my mother always recommends this board. I have read Dr. Harley's book and know the basic rules, my husband hasn't but I have introduced him to some and we have done some of his questionnaires. Here is the shortest version, and I can answer any questions you may have after..
My husband and I have been married a bit over a year and I am currently and VERY unexpectedly pregnant with twins. We weren't planning a family until I was about 29-30, I'm currently 25 and he's 32. We have been together over 3 years. We found about a month ago that we were having twins instead of the one! I have been laid off multiple times the last few years and he has been laid off once. We are super worried about money and room and having two babies, but then who isn't nowadays I guess! So we have been fighting more and more lately, due to stress AND due to this dilemma....

Do we move up north to be close to my family so I can have more support and help with these two surprises while he works, or we do stay here in Tampa where already has a job and his mother and brothers live (the rest of his family is in Miami).....I have no family here, and I was laid off 3 days before we found about the twins. I don't have a lot of close friends that can support me here since the last 3 years I've basically just been working non-stop OR looking for new work when I get laid off in this bad economy. His mother works full time as a nurse AND is in grad school full time. His brothers are young teens and not much help with babies etc. I have some medical history as well as pretty severe depression and anxiety (since the age of 18) for which I take medication. I don't see any other way to maintain my sanity than to move up north for at least a few years to have more help while he works. We don't make near enough $ to pay for childcare, we hardly have enough to pay rent! I have 7 siblings in Ohio and my Mother who works one day a week as a DR of psychology. My dad is a full time engineer. I also have 2-3 very close friends up there. I want him to get a new job as an insurance agent up near my family and we can move soon in case I have to go on bed rest. I've been really sick so far as well and some weeks go by I can hardly leave my apt and he's the only person I see. So when we fight I'm even more miserable and isolated. Basically he doesn't want to go at ALL. We have had 2-3 serious talks about how I will care for 2 babies alone all day etc etc and he agrees I'll need help, but he still doesn't want to go and makes in known by making comments about Ohio, moving stress etc He's been moping a lot and actually ignoring me. He says his mom won't be a part of the twins lives and he'll miss his family. He told me tonight I don't ever make sacrifices for our relationship and basically implied I should want to stay here. Obviously neither of us are going to be happy at this point. I think that moving up north though will help me to be healthier and happier and also give us some time to be a couple. I'm willing to move back in a few years as well but he seems to think I'm just lying about that and we'll "be stuck in Ohio" forever. I'm at my wits end. I feel SO alone and at his mercy for support. If he's mad at me or we have an argument it will often be days I'll go alone without talking to anyone, and I'm too sick to get out and meet new mom's right now....I'd love your feedback and questions...

Thanks in advance from this newbie to marriage..
DMM

Do you understand the Policy of Joint Agreement?
POJA

Yes I do and have read and re-read it. I just don't know how it's going to work? He can't enthusiastically agree to moving and I can't agree to stay here and basically have no help or childcare. I tried to suggest that we move up north for 2-3 years then come back and buy his mother's house (she wants to sell it to us when she is done with grad school in 2-3 years). He agreed and said that seemed plausible but then keeps bringing up not wanting to move and doing the whole ignoring me thing...I was actually just re-reading the POJA again and I still can't see how to make it work unless I just agree to stay here. If we move he will be resentful and angry and if we stay I will be too, I'm so sick of arguing and trying to figure out what he wants I'm about to give in. I do however know myself and I know that I will feel extremely resentful towards him and kind of doubt we will survive that..

Ok Dr. Harely had a couple with a similar dilemma on the radio show.

Please listen to this and tell me what you think.

Radio clip on having trouble with POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Ok what about if you stay but get help with child care? Would you be enthusiastic about that?

Like I said we have no money for childcare, in fact we are hardly making ends meet right now with his job and me on unemployment. If I go back to work to try to afford I hardly make enough to make child care at the point worth it either...Another thing too is Ohio is cheaper to live so I think we should move there for that reason too, to have a little extra.

Tell me what you think of the clips.

What are your DH's reasons for not wanting to move?

Can you email the Harleys? Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

His reasons are he doesn't like cold, his mom and brother is here and moving is stressful. Oh and we will "get stuck" up north and never come back..Those are the only things he's verbalized to me anyhow..I can E-mail them directly? Do they actually reply?

Yes they respond and you can be a caller on the show if you want to be. They are out of the country this week, but will be back.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Did you listen to the clips? The couple are trying to figure out where they want to live when they retire. The DH wants to stay on the west coast and the DW wants to move to the east cost.

I haven't yet because my computer is a tiny net-book and the speakers aren't working. I'll go to the lab to listen to them tomorrow. We just had another huge fight as I was reply to all of this...I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow I can't do this anymore and I keep getting cramps from the stress...I'm pregnant with twins so this is all really scary..

I just E-mailed them...

Yes you do not need this stress, but you need to stop fighting with him.

It takes two to fight. You need to come up with a stopping sentence when he starts fighting.

The biggest difference I have found with POJA is you need to make the environment safe to talk to each other and it sounds like you don't have that. Also to be creative and think outside the box. When I used to think "my way is the best way and I'm correct" we didn't get anywhere.

So what can you do to stop fighting? Do you have the book Love Busters?

Have you seen this? Read all the articles in the section. How To Resolve Conflicts

I have read all of the articles and the book yes. I agree the environment isn't safe or friendly anymore..

So what are you doing to clean up your side of the street? What is your plan? What are you doing to stop the fighting on your end?

My husband just came home and apologized for how he's been treating me but then said if I don't change my last name then he's leaving me. I think he is just looking for a way to get out his responsibilities and this is the easiest way, to blame me for something. I'm probably just leaving tomorrow to go home and pull my life back together. Not much else I can do at this point.