It has been 3 months since the discovery of my husbands affair. We separated for a short time, while he figured out what he wanted. We have been back together now for a month. I love him and know he loves me. He is remorseful and says things that makes me believe he understands what he did was wrong. My problem right now is that I feel like I am the one bending over backwards to prove my love for him. I enjoy loving him and showing my affection, after years of not showing it enogh, but I would like to be on the receiving end as well. He shows affection when i initiate it, but doesn't ever initiate affection or sex. How can I approach this with him without making him feel like I am complaining or attacking him? Do I just need to give him more time and keep showing him that I love him and am moving forward?

Are you both following the MB plan for a great marriage? Have you both read HNHN and LoveBusters? The post-A marriage must be BETTER than the pre-A marriage.

Has your H demonstrated transparency: shared all passwords, account for time and money, etc?

Do you spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together meeting each other's most important emotional needs (EN)? Post-A UA time should be a minimum of 20.

Have you done the EN and LB questionnaires?

We found that the most helpful thing we did by FAR was to sign up the MB Online Seminar Accountability program. It costs $1000, but the coach guides the couple along the way. Plus you have access to Dr. Harley on the private forum.

It never would have worked in our marriage recovery if I was the initiator. To a small extent, I was, but only at first; then my H jumped into the program and it became very much two-way. Our marriage would not be where it is today had my H been reluctant to initiate meeting my needs.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Who was the OW? Was his affair exposed? Has he ended all contact?

How have you affair proof your marriage. There is a way to recover if you follow the narrow path that Dr. Harley has put together.

Has he ended all contact with the OW? Who was the OW?

We did do the questionnaires shortly after the discovery of the affair. I found out shortly after that that he was still communicating with OW, I asked him to leave and at that point was so angry and hurt that I tore them up. I have read all of the items mentioned, but he has not read any of them.

We definetly spend 15 hours together. We were best friends before this, doing everything together, and have been able to continue spending a great deal of time together doing the things we enjoy.

Since moving back home he has been very transparent. I do believe the contact has ended. I do think he feels guilt and that may be part of the problem.

I want to be able to address my needs without it being about the affair. I feel my needs aren't about the affair and don't want him to think that i am bringing them up because of the affair.

I think you need to snoop because contact hasn't ended with OW.

What snooping do you have in place?

In order to fall in love again, you need to spend 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time meeting these top 4 needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. This time should be spent without children and without TV or movies. So I would start scheduling this time and make sure you are meeting all of these needs during this time.

What kinds of things are you doing with your time?

And how do you know the affair is over? Are you snooping? Do they EVER see each other? Does she live close by?

Has he answered all of your questions about the affair openly and honestly?

The book you need the most is Surviving an Affair and the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love. If you follow the plan in those books, you and your husband can fall in love again.

Yes, the affair was revealed to me by the ow's husband. The ow was someone he met online at a dating hookup site. She lives in another state about 6 hours away. They had only chatted a month when they had there one time physical contact, not that that makes it any better. Yes, I do truly believe the affair is over and all contact has finally ended. Last contact was about a month ago.

I have e been doing what I can to affair proof my marriage, following the guidance in Dr. H's articles.

Oh, trust me have been snooping. I have the computer monitored with a program that tracks and logs everything that happens on it, even gives screen shots. Cell phone is in my name, so I have full access to message and call logs, and I have control of all bank accounts, don't have any cc cards to worry about. I truely believe contact is over. I think part of the problem is brought on by myself and being afraid to speak up on fear of rocking the boat.

I have read surviving an affair and am reading boundries in marriage. I will try the other one you mentioned. Thanks.

Has he answered all your questions about the affair?

Yes he has been open and answered all my questions.

Miri, then you are on the right track. The missing ingredient is that he has not fallen in love again. But you can set the stage for that if you diligently spend 20+ hours of UA time together every week. If you can get into that habit, it won't take long for him to fall in love again.

Harley often recommends going off on a romantic week long vacation together to start the bonding. Can you do that?

The best way to spend your UA time is to schedule 4 - 4 hour dates a week. Get dressed up and go out together. That is what will transform your marriage the fastest.

Thanks melody. I will suggest the vaca. We do things together, but I wouldn't say much of it is romantic time. I know he loves me, I just don't feel like he is in love with me, as I feel about him. I had to fall in love with him again, and this affair brought that to light for me.

Please do not be complacent. As confident as you are that you have all avenues closed, a motivated WS will dig a tunnel somehow to (re)make contact.

Did WH ever write a NC letter? Did he receive one? You say you were contacted by OWH. Contact him and compare notes.

Be aware of the ease of acquiring pay-as-you-go affair phones.

Melody, what if the other person doesn't want to spend anywhere near that much time together? Personally, I love the idea of a week-long "jump start" vacation without the children.

It's a real dilemma. Spending 20+ hours a week together giving UA would bring you closer together. A week-long romantic vacation together would bring you closer together. But if your spouse doesn't feel like spending 2 minutes together -- and hasn't for a long time, how do you make that happen?

Are emergency tactics ever warranted? Would it make sense for the willing spouse to plan a surprise week-long vacation, for example? Are you aware of any cases where something like this has worked to get the ball rolling?

Hi Miri, so sorry you are here. Welcome to MB.

I am extremely new here, but in case you haven't checked it out yet, I've found that if you look under the category "Notable Posts" on the forum main page, there's a wealth of information there. I think you should read "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" first, then browse through the rest of the topics to get an idea of whats there, including the acronyms (that was helpful for me because it takes awhile to get used to all the acronyms thrown around).

I feel you can get more out of the forums once you know where lots of the information is located.

Please read.
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters

If you will follow the steps in Harley's policy of undivided attention, he will fall in love again. But it has to be as I described, 20+ hours of UA time meeting these top 4 emotional needs of A, C, RC and SF. It truly is a magic formula. The Policy of Undivided Attention

NO spouses feel like doing that when they arrive here because they are not in love. Who wants to spend a week with someone you are not in love with? That is why it is so important to SELL this program to a reluctant spouse. If I am not in love with you but I know of a way to fall in love again, then I would be willing to take the neccessary steps. There has to be some sort of payoff for the reluctant spouse.

And more importantly, if a BS agrees to take a WS back, then part of that agreement is a committment to a program of recovery. That is not even negotiable. After an affair, following basic guidelines for recovery is part of just compensation. A WS can't just come back and then not do anything to recover the marriage. That is a deal breaker.


I am only aware of that tactic being a disaster. If the reluctant spouse is not on board, it is not going to work.

(Pst: Driven, you really ought to start a new thread for your questions or post them on your own existing threads. Putting them on the threads of newcomers can be disruptive, confusing, discouraging, etc.)

Well there was a reason I was feeling so unloved. He had completely pulled the wool over my eyes. Not only was the affair still going on, but he was sleeping with other women and searching for new women on craigs list and datehookup.com. He had an android phone that he used for email that didn't need cell service, just a wifi connection and what finally got him caught was I found an activation card for a net zero phone in the garbage. Funny thing is he bought this phone just 3 days before my original post. Needless to say I immediately kicked him out and I am done, filling for divorce.

Miri, I am so sorry. This is sickening to hear. I have also been through a false recovery and I know how much harder subsequent D Days are than the first.

Were all the details of these OW and Craigslist in the emails, or did he admit more information to you?

Did you see the actual phone? Did he hand it over to you? Where had he been keeping it?

I found all the details in the emailing phone. He left it in his new truck that I just bought him. Even after I confronted him about it he continued to lie and denie it. I forwarded all the emails to the woman he was carieing on the affair with. She thought she was the only one. She then set him up by sending emails to one of the other women and setting up a meeting. She forwarded the info to me and I showed up. The woman he was just having a friends with benefits relationship with admitted to sleeping with him.

Bump.

I wasn't able to get back to this thread yesterday, and I can't stay now. Perhaps other posters could help?

I should have asked.

Miri, do you need help with anything?

Thank you for asking. I have joined Divorcecare, a local support group. That has helped a lot. I guess my biggest obstacle is getting over the loneliness after never being on my own for the last 34 years, last 18 with him. I have finally made it 5 days without crying, but always feeling on the verge of a meltdown. I have 2 beautiful children, 9 and 16, so although I am not physically alone, I have this feeling of utter loneliness at times. Saddens me that I am switching over to the divorce forums but I so appreciate everyone's support through this most difficult time.

What Plan are you in?

Have you exposed?

I guess I don't understand what you mean by what plan am I in?

The continuing affair and cheating was exposed three weeks ago this Wednesday. I did what I could to save our marriage the first time i found out about affair and his participation was lieing and further cheating on me. He says he has no reason to change since "I want a divorce.". That tells me that he is not ready to change. he has to want to change for himself.

My plan is to move on, move forward and build I new and better life for myself and my kids.

Your plan is Plan D, then. And I can't blame you. You are married to a serial cheater. I would suggest your dump him like the garbage that he is.

Will you go into Plan B as you're in D?

It would be very wise for you to do so.