GY,

I wish I could offer suggestions. I know H and I do much better when we have our 15-20 hours of UA and really try to meet the four critical ENs. We have just been re-doing the affection lesson because I was looking for different types and more affection. I listed all the things I would like and placed them on the desktop of the computer. So far, so good. H is being much more affectionate.

However, there are still things that happen that derail me. A couple of days ago, we were playing a trial computer game together. When the list of top scores came up, the OW's name appeared several times. Ugh, but I ignored it outwardly. Then H tried to type in his and my names together, but it came out his and OW's name (Her name is one syllable different from mine. That has always been the pits). At that point, I went up to bed. It bothered me for a day and a half. I ended up bringing it up. H said that it had been bothering him too. So, I don't know the answer, only to say that it still happens to us.

I keep telling myself that we had multiple D-days of contact and trickle truth. And the last one was Feb 2010 right after we returned from the MB weekend.

AM

Fall. H says fall is his favorite time of year. He likes the leaves, his birthday and pumpkin pie. For me, it has been a tough time, his birthday was the start of the PA portion of the A. This year, his birthday was ok. We went out to dinner with DS17. And the leaves are looking very nice this year. And I made two pumpkin pies for H.

Yesterday, we did have an issue with H's telephone that ended up with H having an AO. I am still pretty unhappy about the entire incident.

As an aside, about 6 weeks ago, the woman at my hair salon (late-40's, divorced for 7 years) told me she was thinking about asking her boyfriend to move in with her. I suggested that before she do that that she read the book, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". This past week, when I went to my appointment, she told me that she had read the book, broken up with boyfriend instead and made an appointment with her IC. I think she made a good decision.

AM

AM:

So sorry to hear you FWH's affair is so connected to his birthday. Mine was in the long-distance part of his affair on his birthday (Nov. 2), and it still kills me with the knowledge that I called him from work (couldn't get the night off) to talk about his special day and all of our plans to celebrate it the next weekend, and he couldn't WAIT to get off the phone. Why? Cause he then went and called his POSOW and talked to her for hours. Ugh!!!!

That's something that still bugs me. WHAT did they talk about?!?!?! He still says she did most of the talking and it was all stuff he wasn't all that interested in. Never about me. Never about her husband.

I think I have more work to do to get that issue off my plate.

LOVE!!!! Your advice to your stylist! I did the same with a young lady who was waxing my eyebrows. She was having all kinds of probably with a boyfriend/semi-fiance. I haven't seen her since, but I hope she took my advice!.

And sorry about the phone incident you mention above. Care to share more?

Sweetpea,

I believe your husband's description of what he and OW talked about is probably a lie. I asked my H the same question. He and OW went to lunch together nearly every day; they spent 7 nights together; they texted about a dozen times a day and then talked on the phone for about an hour every day. He could not tell me what they talked about. Then, it came out from OWH, that H and OW talked about VERY personal and family items. She knew about my surgeries, details about concerns about our children, about MIL, all kinds of things. And I believe one of their favorite topics were the shortcomings of me, of OWH, and of our marriages. Those discussions made the affair justified in their warped rationale. There is another post earlier on this thread when the BW talked about OW knowing what things BW liked in bed.


Here is what happened with our cell phone incident. H's charging port on the phone broke. So we got a new phone. I could see online that the phone accessed the internet three times in one day, which is something H agreed not to do (His last contact with OW was by his mother's home phone and via a secret email account). H denied using the internet. I was not convinced. It turns out that when the phone is turned on, it accesses the verizon site and the phone says "registering apps". On this particular day, H had to turn his phone off for some periods of time. H was angry about me not believing him. Later, he said he knows that is the price of his past actions.

Just remembered. Other favorite topics of conversation were the cosmo quizes - especially the ones that dealt with sex.

AM

Ugh. One of the favorite topics of my W's affairs was me too. OM was obsessed with me. Particularly my umm... personal assets... I don't know what possessed the [censored] to do this as W said it often backfired. One thing that was discussed was me being a "crazy war vet". oi vey...

cv

Yep. It was yucky to hear about these scintillating conversations, how he wished he met her first, how they could get an Elvis to marry them in Vegas. It was crazy, crazy talk.

I was reading and talking about Smithsonian Magazine and OW was talking about intercourse positions from Cosmo. Maybe she was right, maybe not. H had his chance to divorce after the false recovery contact. Instead, he became a different, better man and we have what I consider to be interesting conversation. In any case, I cancelled my subscription to Smithsonian. But I still look away from Cosmo at the grocery store checkout counter.

AM

ArmyMama: Ugh! He did tell me that they fantasized about "being together some how, some day as a couple." That was tough to hear.

Wondering: How much should I push the issue of WHAT they talked about? It's been nearly a year. Is it worth getting hardcore over this topic? Do I really need to know these particular gory details? Ugh! Getting the physical ones were bad enough, and knowing he told her he loved her is still vomit-inducing.

I mean, NeverGuessed was suggested I make him take a lie detector, even though I feel that I know the extent of his cheating.

I guess I could use a lie detector to find out if he's being honest about what the contents of his discussions were.

If it turns out that he lied about what he said, what have I learned: That my foggy WH talked smack about me to his whore like all the other waywards do? And that he lied to cover it up?

Hmmmmm. (And sorry for the thread jack).

AM:

Cosmo isn't worth a minute of your time. And guess what? I know a woman who used to write for a similar magazine. Those quizzes and the answers they get from alleged readers: mostly made up. It's an outrage.

Sweetpea

Cosmo! My, such depth the OW has!

oh.. don't forget the matching tattoos. Om was pushing for that. He proposed to my W and gave her a 15dollar wall mart pendant. Now THAT is love.... LOL.

At one point I took my W's rings away. I was sooo mad at her, knew she was having an A but hadn't been able to prove it yet. She took them off to make meatloaf or something, I said "they look dingy, let me get them polished". As soon as I got them, I said "you work on our marriage or these don't go back to you." Oddly enough, she was more angry at herself and OM than me. Kept em a week before I wussed and gave em back though.

We ended up getting new rings, but I still love my original and wear that. It's what I started with and what I'll finish with.

CV

AM -
I totally agree with you about what our FW spouses talked about with the OP.

One awful day, i had called my H while driving home and his personal cell phone picked up without him knowing it- and i could hear him talking to one of his POSOW- and he didnt know i was listening, while he was on his work cell phone. (I think it was G-d letting me know what was happening.)

My H was telling her how much he couldn't wait to see her again and how hot she was.....blah blah blah. i almost drove off the road while listening. I got sick.

Then i found out that one other POSOW told another friend of mine that he was so "unhappy" (wretch) in his marriage with me and that i am very "controlling". This was to make the OW feel sorry for my poor abused H- all the time while i was home waiting for him - and he was out with her. Its so ironic and stupid what they say.

I say - we should just forget it- its in the past and it can only upset us- its not worth it.

SF

Like Sweetpea's H, my H spent hours and hours talking to OW. And I have been very resentful about the amount of time he invested in the A.

You are right. It is definitely not worth it. Like most waywards, H would have said anything to keep the A going. He does not remember half of what he said or did. And the other half, he lied about.

H did tell OW that I was vindictive (her word). Maybe so. I am glad that the A was exposed at work. During the false recovery of Nov 2009, OW complained that she was ostrasized at work. I said that was a good thing that everyone knew she is an adulteress. It allows married men to keep her at a ten foot pole distance. In the end, she is still working there and H and I are still married and are usually, normally, almost always happy. So, ultimately, OW is the loser. What an understatement. What is bigger than a loser?

Wishing you well, Sunflower.

AM

Wow, it really has been a long time since I posted on this thread. I guess that is because there is not much to talk about. H and I are doing well - a hiccup every now and then. It is nearly always me that has the hiccup - dwelling on the past and how hurtful it was. H is patient with me when I get into a funk. It can last a few hours though.

The fall is generally worse for me and I don't relish the holidays the way I once did. On the plus side, we have fun together; we spend more than 15 hours together every week; we consciously meet each other's critical emotional needs.

Recovery doesn't have much drama.

AM

What a difference time makes. This year is so much better than previous years. We are having a quiet Christmas with DS17. DS23 re-deployed from Iraq yesterday and hopes to be home on the 29th or 30th. H and I are in love.

I bought three copies of "Draw Close" for Christmas presents. One is for H. One is for H's PTSD counselor at the VA. We introduced him to Dr. Harley's MB principles and he is using the "Effecive Marriage Counseling" in his couples counseling. The third one is for our pastor and his wife. They are both pastors and live/work about 50 miles apart.

Merry Chistmas to all of MB. I am so thankful to this forum and it members.

AM

It's always nice to hear that Christmas is going well for others who've been through the storm! Glad it is a good one for you. Time does do wonders!

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday was our 30th wedding anniversary. It was a pretty low key one. H gave me roses and earrings and we went to one of favorite restaurants.

Plenty of things have changed in the last few years. H is totally onboard with MB principles. We don't do anything without POJA. We spend nearly all our time together. We read the devotional book five nights a week before sleeping.

I love my H and I believe he loves me even more.

AM

Congratulations

Love to hear recovered stories. Thanks for your continued support here.

That's wonderful news, AM!

hooray!
great to see some success stories on the board!